Wise-ass Virgins and Godesses

The latest? Sporadic Gasbag Review lived up to the billing - it was sporadic. See Ms. Keeks' review of City of Lights . Telling the gripping tale of an adopted daughter's struggle to write a timely review, Ms. Keeks delves into topics ranging from virgins to heroin. I couldn't help but think, perhaps they should build a real City of Lights.


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Word Whores
Under the pretense of reviewing Full Speed, Attila the Mom, aka Lilwalnutbrain, uses this week's bag of gas as a literary excuse to criticize ghost writers. For shame! Is there anything ignoble about being a prostitue? If feminism has taught us anything, it is that feminism apparently hasn't taught us anything.

Where would Nancy Drew be without Edward Stratemeyer? Who would ever remember author Jack Kennedy without Ted Sorensen? And what about a God putting his "me too" on the literary works of Matthew, Mark, Luke et al?

I personally would never stoop to writing for money. Go ahead and tempt me with an eight-figure book deal and see how I handle it. No, my credibility is not for sale! But, just out of curiousity, how much is eight figures?


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Nightmare on Phlegm Street

Nightmare54, a gasbag expert in the odor of cattle feces, aimed his sensitive nostrils at the big screen this week and took a big whiff. His verdict on the stench emanating from Uptown Girls? Ladies and gentlemen, we have bullshit.

If I am not correct, and often I don't, Uptown Girls is a movie adaptation of a song by the piano man himself, Billy Joel Osmond, eldest of the talented Osmond family. But wait a minute! After bashing the movie for several paragraphs, Nightmare gave us a glimpse of some of the content:

In one scene Brittney would be wearing tights under a see through
skirt and then you would catch a glimpse of her G-string then the tights would
flash back in place…and let’s face it, who doesn’t like to look at panties? They
are sexy, and when they are slightly covered up….that is HOT!!

This movie sounds like a wonderful exploration of the human condition - a veritable classic. I'm beginning to doubt the bullshit smeller's bullshit smellability.

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Sven Rescues JT Rowling From Obscurity

This week's gasbag review is by Sven. Bucking the gasbag directive to avoid obscure material, Sven stole into the depths of the unknown to emerge with "Harry Potter and the Giblet of Fire." According to Sven, the book portrays the life and times of "prepubescent imps and magical little friends." This may explain why I'm not familiar with the book insofar as I'm sure it would not be permitted on my Court-approved reading list.

But while we're on the subject of Gimlets of Fire, here is my favorite recipe:

2 oz Vodka
1/2 oz lime juice.
Splash of tabasco.

Mixing instructions: Mix together.

Best served in a goblet.

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Compulsive Liar Seeks Truth
http://unabashedliar.blogspot.com/2006/04/truth-about-diamonds.html

This week, sweet young Meg, a self-described compulsive liar, reviews The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Richie. See Meg's review. As we all know, Nicole Richie is the somewhat trampy daughter of singer Lionel Richie. Her claim to fame is being the somewhat trampy heroin-using sidekick of the somewhat trampy Hilton family heiress. Together, they took the Green Acres/City Slickers concept to an all new high in low through their somewhat trampy show A Simpleton's Life.

I had no idea that Richie was also a somewhat trampy author. I recall an FCC brou-ha-ha about her saying "F~ck!ng Sh!t" during some live TV broadcast, but I didn't know that she writes her own material.

From Meg's review, I gather that Richie's literary creation is only semi-fictional.

But is it real or is it fiction? I kept asking myself. Oh well. I guess I'll never know. I do, however, know that this book met my expectations almost exactly. I expected the book to suck, and guess what. It sucked.

If Richie wrote a book that sucked, I would assume that it is an autobiography.

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British Saint Reviews Poppy Book
This week's gasbag review by St. Jude of a book called Tall Poppies, never answers the central question:

Do tall poppies make you higher?

On behalf of the flock, I will look into it.

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Brilliant review of What to Expect When You're Expecting by the inpenetrable OneEar

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Sporadic Gasbagger is MIA
The premise - each week, an Sporadic Gasbagger will review an awful book, movie or television. The problem - one of the SGR reviewers is missing and presumed dead. The solution - Attila the Mom pointed readers to a post about a Scotsman and his family.
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A Sporadic Gasbag's Impressions of the Film AI
This week's sporadic gasbag review's the movie AI. You will remember this film from the stellar performance by Haley Joe Osmond, the youngest of the talented Osmond family. Although I am no fan of the "boy robot befriends male prostitute" movies, I do not share the gasbag's fervent dislike for this particular film. Granted, one might have expected more from a Spielberg written and directed version of a Kubrick vision, but, then again, they can't all be Eyes Wide Shut.

First Unichurck Finds a Home

Fellow FUCkers;

I would like to invite us all to fellowship in a house of worship made entirely of legos.

Get a load of this.

I think this will be perfect for our next retreat.

OneEar Forced to Re-live Superhero’s Reunion in Excruciating Detail

MrsEar and I had the pleasure of spending 6 hours in the car together yesterday as we drove to and fro to drop off the little Ears with GrandmaEar and GrandpaEar. This provided the opportunity for the little exchange that I like to call “Probe the Ear.”

It is not nearly as exciting or tantalizing as it sounds. Rather, it is an exercise in intense interrogation and the defense thereto. It combines a fishing expedition for information with a fact check for inconsistencies with an opportunity for censure. Other couples call this “conversation.” MrsEar calls it, “How was your weekend?”

MrsEar: So, how was your weekend?
OneEar: Fine.
MrsEar: What did you guys do?
OneEar: “The Usual”
MrsEar (suspiciously): Why did you make those quotation marks in the air when you said “the Usual?”
OneEar: I don’t know.
(Long pause)
MrsEar (resuming a pleasant but cautious tone): Where did Mrs. Coco and the little Coco’s go while you guys were in town?
OneEar: I think they went to a waterpark.
MrsEar: Who did they go with?
OneEar: I don’t know.
(Long pause)
MrsEar (tacking for a different approach angle): Did you get to see Baby Coco?
OneEar: Yes.
MrsEar: How is he?
OneEar (confidently): Fine. He is cute.
MrsEar (warmly): Why, what did he do?
OneEar (hesitantly): He crawled.
(Long pause)
OneEar (frantically): He does other baby stuff.
(Long pause)
OneEar (panicking): I think he does simple math.
(Long pause)
MrsEar (her head already shaking): How is Alceste?
OneEar (confidently): Fine.
MrsEar: He has a new job?
OneEar: I think so.
MrsEar (clearly irritated): What is Mrs. Alceste doing now?
OneEar: I’m not sure.
MrsEar: Is Dr. LBok still dating the same woman?
OneEar: I’m not sure.
MrsEar: What about Ono?
OneEar (confidently): He’s fine.
MrsEar: And Mrs Ono and the kids?
OneEar: I think they’re fine.
MrsEar (sarcastically): Sparky’s wife and kids are “fine” too I take it?
OneEar: I think so.
MrsEar (angrily): You haven’t seen each other for a year and then you spend every waking minute together for 4 days, what in the Hell did you guys talk about?
OneEar (thinking intensely): I’m not sure.
(long pause)
OneEar: In fairness, I was out of commission one of the days.
(long pause)
OneEar: Dr. Bok makes his own scotch whiskey!
(OneEar smiles smugly at the fact that he has remembered a concrete fact from the previous weekend. MrsEar misinterprets the smugness as contempt and the non-sequitur statement as insolence).
(long pause)
MrsEar (exasperated): Why on Earth would he make his own scotch whiskey?
OneEar (honestly): I’m not sure.

And so on for 6 hours.

Administration Begged to Suspend All Civil & Human Rights During War on Poverty

Since the 1960's, our great nation has been engaged in the "War on Poverty." This is a momentous struggle that is being fought on many fronts: from the streets of our cities to our mountains, islands and horns. This war is going to take many turns. And the enemy must be defeated on every battlefield.

Yet the povertists will not go away quietly. Povertists infest every nook and cranny unless and until they are vaccuumed out and exterminated. They hate our lifestyle and, above all, our money.

Thus, the First Unichurck is calling on the Bush administration to suspend all civil and human rights indefinitely until we are triumphant in this war on poverty. We feel that it is a small price to pay for so important of a victory. Those who are against us, the povertists and sympathizers, should be secure in knowing that we will get them. We will smoke them out and torture them until they relinquish their dedication to poverty.

But povertists find shelter in many of the civil and human rights that we would otherwise provide. We would give access to social services. We would have a judicial system that uses rhetoric about fairness and equal access to the law. We would have universal access to health care. No, scratch that last one. Anyway, these are luxuries we can no longer afford. Not with these povertists lurking among us.

For the very social services we provide create an unending cycle of lazy, welfare dependent soldiers fighting for poverty. And our judicial system is used for frivolous lawsuits which act like a lottery for the stupid and easily injured. And our universal health care system ... oh yeah.

And so, my fellow Americans, we must temporarily suspend the civil rights of all citizens in order to smoke out the povertists among us. We must all relinquish all of our freedoms, including the right to private property and the right to the income from our labor. For only when we are all poor will we be able to defeat this evil foe of poverty. It is a high price to pay, but it is definitely worth it.

Iran is the nest where many of these povertists breed, and so we must recognize Iran as the central front in our war on poverty. As we fight the enemy in Iran, every man and woman who volunteers to defend our nation deserves an unwavering commitment to the mission and a clear strategy for victory. A clear strategy begins with a clear understanding of the enemy we face.

So, as long as we are all clear, let's get on with it.

Ode to a Grecian Earned

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Clowns released yet another soon-to-be chart-topper this year with the catchy tune, "Ode to a Grecian Earned." It goes a little something like this:

(Spoken) "Hi, I'm here to fix your plumbing..."

(Verse 1)
Pokey, pokey, pokey, pokey,
Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky,
Sucky, pokey, pokey, sucky
Squirt squirt squirt

(Bridge)
"All together now"

(Verse 2)
Pokey, pokey, pokey, pokey,
Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky,
Sucky, pokey, pokey, sucky
Squirt squirt squirt

(REPEAT UNTIL TIME TO STOP)

Chicago to Phoenix: Wookie Central

As I try and try to wash off the smell, and wait patiently for the river of mud a-la the Chocolate Thunder Review to stop flowing from my body, I keep remembering my flight away from Rusty 2006. The inflight movie was "King Kong", which I found to be not quite as bad as everyone had told me. The four-inch screen 16 feet in front of me may have buffered the experience. The perpetual shaking of alcohol withdrawal and my own smell made it difficult to sleep, so I chose to give "Kong" a try. How bad could it be?

Though you may be expecting a review of the movie, all I could think of as I watched was our own OneEar, crippled and gimpy this year, vomiting at the slightest provocation. As I watched Kong fight off three nippy T-Rexes, Rexi, Rexae?, I imagined our Wookie trying to give directions on his way to his car. When Kong was getting splashed with chloroform, I saw OneEar administering his own anesthetic and then, after only just a little bit, turning into a furry vomit fountain on a sidewalk in a bad neighborhood.

Kong's captivity on the stage on Broadway was an eerie parallel to this year's subdued Wookie, and his swatting at the planes on top of the Empire State Building really did remind me of the poor Wookie fending off continuously annoying questions from Clowns flying at him with

"How's your stomach, Wookie?"
"How's your back, Wookie?"
"Take some medicine, Wookie?"
"Why're you walking so funny, Wookie?"
"I wonder why you can't carry your own equipment this year, Wookie. UGH!! Ok, now I get it"
"Sure are barfing a lot, Wookie."

Poor Kong. Poor Wookie. Our hero is fallen; or at least temporarily damaged.

Go back to the doctor, OneEar. You're not better yet. No one will compare you to Ben Aflac running to the Emergency Room for a headache yesterday and then leaking the life-and-death drama to the media.

Happy Rustymess

The time has come. A palpable, visceral odor begins to fill the air along with the unmistakeable approaching sound of music being tortured.

It is Rusty Eve!!!!!

Merry Rustymess to all, and to all a good flight.

I'm In the Money

Drinks are on me!!!!! My royalty check has arrived from sales of the award winning career guide, "What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol 1"



http://oneear.blogspot.com/2004/12/what-color-is-my-pair-of-shoes-vol-i.html

Rusty Set List Changes

I'm not going to have time to prepare Poetry Deleted or Cornered in the Kitchen or UFOs and Camel Toes. We'll have to work out the tune and arrangement on Friday.

Also, there are some chord changes to http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/04/blow-ye-know-nothing.html which I will post on Tuesday.

Also, do any of you asholes know how to water ski? My back is still misaligned due to the late-night complimentary (and unsolicited) chiropractic adjustment I received, so I won't be able to do much other than sit and drink. But please advise whether any of you is interested in skiing.

The Plan Comes Together

Clown Squad Plans a Podcast

Scene 1 - Take 4 - The Clown Squad Kills the Dead

Even hobbits can perform reconstruction

There. I hope you are all happy. Rusty did work for a while as a nude model

How to delete posts

Dear friends;

Certainly if you belong to any species of higher-order mammal, you do not need instruction on how to edit or delete posts, so I won't bother posting any.

You are welcome.

Links working. Sorry.

A Reflective Moment
As the Fervor of Rusty winds up, I think we should all take a moment to acknowlege both Chewy's AND Bigfoot's birthday today. Now, as you are all aware, the actor who played Bigfoot on the Six Million Dollar Man, later went on to become the WWF legend Andre the Giant, and even later, went on to die of heart problems most giants typically have. While it is probably, therefore, a little late to acknowlege Bigfoot's birthday, we can certainly still congratulate Peter Mayhew with a happy birthday and also acknowlege that he is a full 5 inches taller than Andre the Giant/Bigfoot is/was. Having said this, even I am now taller than Andre the Giant. I can't wait for Rusty.

Rusty Sessions 2006 Are Upon Us!

1 week until the Rusty Sessions 2006!!!!

Time is short, my friends. Let us stop dwelling on who was beaten senseless by whom and which deity was kind enough to send a gift package of smoked meat. We have final preparations to prepare.

I am posting Coco's latest checklist:

Let me know if you are unable to bring anything listed.
Dr. Bok -- Guitar; someway to plug gutar into amp (e.g. pickup); harmonica.
Alceste -- Electric guitar (if you can); microphones; any instr/mic cables you might have. Also, at the last Rusty, Fluffy pitched his Sears Amp head into your back
bushes, so if you could retrieve that, wipe off the
dog shit, and mail that back to him before next
Thursday, then that would be great.
Ono -- Pickup (the one with the on/off switch). Fluffy has a guitar for you.
Special Guest Sparky -- Egg Shaker in key of Bb; Digital Camera

Also you should all bring swimming attire as there will be a mandatory "hosing off" daily (twice on Saturday).> > Peace.>

I will bring the PA system and a couple of amps. I'll probably bring the old 600watt Peavey that The Dyspeptics used to run all of our sound through. You may recall how that amp excels at being loud. This will come in handy just in case the neighborhood association's President lives too far away. I've got several mics, two mic stands, and a roll of duct tape. Coco has the drums, the bass, and a couple of amps. On second thought, I'd better bring a couple of more amps.

Coco - I assume you'll set up the videography. My camera and I have been unable to see eye-to-eye as of late. I'd like to have one camera filming group shots and one camera on me at all times.

Ono - do you have those pantyhose?

Other than that, I think we're all set. Obviously, you should bring your binders.

Rusty Set List

I now realize that I spent more time compiling this set list than any of you Clowns spent practicing in the past year. Nonetheless, you will be expected to know:
Covers

1. Mystery Train -- my version in E
2. Folsom Prison - in E
3. Mustang Sally - in B
4. Friend of Devil - in G
5. Old Man - in G
6. Like a rolling Stone - in G
7. Hey Joe - in E (somebody has to play the lead??)
8. Dead Flowers- in D - (Coco note the change)
9. This train- in A?
10. Old Joe Clark - in E
11. Squeezebox in G
12. Angie
13. Willin
14. Sympathy -in E
15. Twist/Shout La Bamba - in C

Originals

1. Where Has He Gone?
2. Reading A Book (Please see original assignments in binder on this one).
3. Life Is Like a Sausage (Dr. Lbok)
4. Spend My $ on the Stupidest Shit I can
5. 1900 Baby
6. Brave New World
7. Penny For Your Thoughts (Alceste)
8. Blow Ye Know Nothing
9. Old Wet Wendy
10. 2 Steppin Surgeon (Coco)
11. Sex Free Sex
12. Grumpy Sarge (Alceste)
13. Rusty Song (Dr. Lbok)

I'll also work up Poetry Deleted and Cornered in the Kitchen.

OneNote, why don't you work up Her Nookie is a Leaker.

We'll also do Dog Dirt Blues.

Beast of Burden

Q: Is everything lined up for the upcoming Rusty Sessions?

A: No, this Rusty Sessions is turning into a disaster. I have turned to Ms. Pineapple for help: Let's Synchronize Cheer



Hey you Clowns, cover for me for a few days.

Rusty Sessions 2006 - The Sick Scents

ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

Thank Rusty

Our good and gracious Rusty has done it again! I was pining away in my cubicle this afternoon, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a special delivery marked "Rush."

Wonderful, I thought, I love rush. Many of my favorite objects are rush! Upon closer examination, I learned that the box also was marked "Insulated" and "Perishable." Even better. Insulated perishable rush object(s)! What else could I learn from the packaging? "Up" with an arrow pointing, of all directions, upwards. Now we were getting somewhere. My imagination raced with all of the possibilities, and I could hardly restrain myself from tearing into the present.

But wait a minute. What if those crafty batterers had sent me a package bomb or some anthrax or a Kathy Lee Gifford album? Was I willing to take the risk? After much deliberation, I elected to open the box.

What to my wondering eyes should appear but an insulated box filled with smoked bratwurst from Wisconsin!?!?! The smoked meat was accompanied by the referenced invoice. If you look carefully, you will see that the order for the smoked meat was placed by none other than Rusty himself! I am going to cherish these bratwurst forever and forever.

Thank you Rusty for this food that I have received.

Well, wishers

Rusty Never Sleeps - Official Site of the First UniChurcK

Rusty Never Sleeps - Official Site of the First UniChurcK
OneEar, I think your congregational members are with your battered Wookie head in spirit, and, unfortunately for you, in person shortly. But you have long known that we were coming. To quote a wise sausage-maker, who would attack a Wookie? Who among you, in the Blogosphere? (I am secretly hoping your attackers will inadvertently tip their hands in a response comment. That way, if the soapy-grave trick doesn't work, we can use the internet to snatch them up! Sorry for the snatch reference; I promised I wouldn't do that...)
Just so this post is not a total wash, I refer the gentle reader to my little brother's Blog, which details a major victory for bloggers everywhere. http://www.mainewebreport.com/
We are all hoping for a speedy recovery of OneEar's headache.

On Being Battered

My story proceeds thusly. After attending a local convention, I allowed myself to be convinced into participating in camaraderie with colleagues, as is my wont. Following some revelry and libation, during which stories were told and darts were shot, I elected to retire for the evening.

Whilst returning to my coach, I encountered some young dark-complexioned fellows, I believe there were two in number, who begged my assistance in giving them some direction. As I composed myself to oblige, a yet unseen gentleman elected to strike me upon my skull with some dense and apparently inflexible object. Although I would not know it until later, these gentlemen then opted to take my wallet and keys and to punch, beat and kick me at their leisure.

My next recollection is vague and dreamlike and involves a long, staggering journey toward the hospital a mere mile away. I next recall discussing with the physician the fact that I had been discovered by a motorist who found me lying in the street near the hospital. Rather than running me over and risking staining the underside of his vehicle, the motorist kindly elected to stop and to contact the hospital.

A mere few hours later, after CT Scans and who knows what else already had been performed, I became alert enough to remember who I am. We all agreed that this was a major improvement, "we" being the doctors, the nurses, the policemen who had assembled around my bed, and myself. I asked permission to call my wife, did so, and reported to her that I was in the hospital as a result of "a fracas." Knowing me as she does, my wife was very concerned. You see, I am not the type of person who typically gets involved in a fracas. I am often involved in a ruckus and occassionally a brewhaha, but I normally have enough sense to extricate myself before things escalate into a fracas. On this occasion, I don't think I was given a fighting chance.

After a few more hours of observation and treatment, I was released to my wife's care. I had a concussion, some whiplash, stitches in my lip, bruises all over my face and up and down one side of my body and severely wounded pride. Other than a non-stop headache which has lasted for a week, I have healed up for the most part.

It turns out that my attack was not unique. There have been about 20 such attacks in the last month involving groups of 5 to 15 young guys. The detective on my case believes that it is some type of initiation rite. I'm not sure what sort of fraternity these fellows are joining, but I'm happy that I was able to help them realize their dreams. Have I become jaded? No, I am too old and stubborn to be taught any lesson that I don't want to learn.

And so, my apologies for missing this week's service, and my thanks for all of the warm regards.

Muggles

Funny thing happened last night. I awoke in the hospital. Granted, its not the first time, but I really am getting too old for this kind of shit.

Here are the facts: I awoke in the hospital. I guess I already went over that. I have a splitting headache and a large, baseball bat-sized welt on the side of my head. My lip is split to the tune of three or four stitches and I have abrasions, contusions, and other sions all over my face. My wallet and keys are missing as is my memory. Those of you who know me are probably saying, "yeah, so what's the funny part." That is why I refer to you as assholes.

I have cancelled my credit cards, and I don't really need a driver's license, but I lost my 10trip to the carwash with 8 trips remaining. I am thinking that I'll hang out at the car wash waiting for my victimizer, and when he is trapped in his soapy grave, I'll detonate an atomic bomb. Some would call this overkill, but I think it is appropriate given the level of my anger.

FU Weekly (Corrected)

CORRECTION!

Very funny to whoever inserted the wrong image into the FU Weekly prior to publication, and we have a pretty good idea about who did it. Prepare yourself for the fires of Hell.

Parishioners will kindly disregard the erroneously published image and insert the following image in your minds:

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Zombie Update

Just as we predicted, the Zombie empire is expanding. The latest victim; an innocent Best Buy store. See Zombies Infiltrate Best Buy.

As one of the store security guards accurately detected:

(He) didn't know who the group was, but suspected that it was some cult, because, "They all have that zombie look in their eyes.

As goes Best Buy, so goes America. It is only a matter of time before Zombies breach Circuit City, Bed-Bath-and-Beyond, and the crown jewel of Zombie retail domination, Walmart. Soon, Americans will be the unwitting consumers of aisle after aisle of cheap, unnecessary, superfluous, disposable crap.

Our only defense at this time? Those of you who said "a musical" are way ahead of me.

Previous Zombie Update

Jose Can You See

Now they've really gotten my dandruff up! These furriners are going around singing our national anthem, and they're singing it Spanish! If that's not a good enough reason to pull our old pointy hats and robes out of their commemorative trophy cases, then I'm afraid that I just don't I don't know what is. My people have lived here for a long time, and this means that I am right.

How dare those furriners honor this country! If they can't sing my praises in English, then they shouldn't praise me at all. Our national anthem is a remarkable tribute to the moon landing, and the rockets red glare wasn't accomplished by a bunch of furriners (other than a few Germans, but they don't count). The last thing we need is a bunch of non-englishers mucking up our educational system.

When Columbus discovered America, he planted the stars and stripes and declared English our official language. It has been that way ever since, so get over it. Nobody wants to hear you mariaching all over the place in your gobblety gook about this great land. "Jose can you see?" Stop singing about the Estar Espangled Bannero! Why don't you just swim back to Spain and make some tacos.

No Gold In Rule

The First UniChurck has long subscribed to the so-called Golden Rule. "Do Unto Others," it is said, "as you would have others do unto you." It is time to reconsider.

Let's suppose, for the sake of argument, that I would have others dress up like characters from Sesame Street and urinate unto my chest. Do you see how this golden rule breaks down?

Just yesterday, I was wearing my Prairie Dawn outfit, and I saw my neighbor watering her plants. Thinking quickly about religion, I ran across the street and pissed on her. Do you think she had the decency to thank me? Apparently she belongs to a different church as do several members of our local law enforcement agency.

So, I have put in a request to Rusty that we amend this rule to read: "Do not piss unto thy neighbor whilst wearing a PBS-related costume." If only we could all live by this simple rule, the world would be a better place.

The Sick Scents Script- Including Salmon Boy

You Clowns also need to learn your lines. Obviously, we'd like to shoot this in one take.

der Rustige (modified) = Rusty on the Bayou INTRO

Those Were The Days - Take 1

Teste Teste

Those Were the Days

I remember back when I was employed, there was this time when my boss was lecturing me about some stupid thing or another, and he said unto me, and I quote, “think outside the box.”

“Think outside the box,” I thought to myself. “I didn’t even know there was a g0d@mned box.” “He dictates idiotic memos about every other piece of feces excreted by his brain, why didn’t he send me the f^ck!ng `box’ memo?”

Fearing the reception such comments might receive, I opted to mutter, “Yus, Mastah, outside the box, Mastah.” Apparently, this was not the response Mastah hoped to receive, either. And so we agreed that he would keep his company and I would keep mine.

I have heard “think outside the box” stated several times since, and I still have no idea what it means. Is there some box that I’m not aware of? Where is this f^ck!ng box?

Of course, now that I’m an employer, I’ve come full circle. When the staff is lined up for morning inspection, part of my daily diatribe includes a directive for them to “think outside the box.” Then, I watch their eyes in hopes that they will glance toward the box and reveal its location. When they don’t, I storm off in a huff muttering, “Don’t you dare call me Mastah, inside-the-box thinkers!”

Virtual Friends Nice - Real Friends Bunch of Assholes

I have tried to be nice to The Clowns. I really have tried. But I can't help but notice the difference between the warm comfort and support received from my virtual friends and the cold ridicule and criticism received from my live friends. I guess real people are, by nature, dickheads.

TRIPE Teddybear Available in Time for Easter

Rusty Enterprises has reintroduced its popular TRIPE Teddybear just in time for the Easter Holidays.

Many have complained, and rightly so, that a large egg-hiding rabbit really has nothing to do with a religious holiday. But the TRIPE voice-over-internet to God system is a holy device, rendering the TRIPE Teddy a holy bear.

ORDER yours Now!!!





For the TRIPE Teddy Bear Surveilance Camera, you will need to buy the Rusty Bear and the Surveillance Camera Bear, cut a small hole in the Rusty Bear shirt and then place the Rusty Bear shirt on the surveillance bear. You can then dispose of the Rusty Bear.

Just Another Manic Maundy

As you may know, Maundy Thursday is the Thursday before Easter. It is significant in Christian mythology because it represents the day on which the Last Supper is said to have occurred. The Last Supper is a famous fresco painting in Milan. If you have read The DaVinci Code, which I have not, you are able to deduce something important from the painting. I am not. And so, we celebrate.

There are countless acceptable options for Manic Maundy celebrations.

1. Progressive Last Supper - Each couple hosts for 20 minutes a meal which moves between 6 households. This works best with people who live in the same State and is an entertaining way to have dinner with all of the crucifixin's.
2. Euchre-wrist tournament - Set up tables of 4 for a "winner takes all, loser wears a crown of thorns" tournament. Teams alternate between playing euchre and arm wrestling in a round-robin fashion until there is a clear winner and a clear loser. Then, the fun begins.
3. Blood-of-savior belly shots. Drink your favorite fortified wine from the navels of other guests.
4. Stone Judas. This one is probably self-explanatory. In light of the Gospel of Judas, released last week by National Geographic, "Stone Barnabas" can be substituted for "Stone Judas."
5. Save passover lambs. Friends and family gather to protest the senseless and ongoing slaughter of the noble, humble and peaceful sheep. Use creative protest signs with slogans such as, "Why not kill the stupid goat?" and "Yeah, get the goat."

Feel free to leave personal stories about how your family celebrates Manic Maundy.

• Like Tiger Woods, we would like to take this opportunity to apologize for using the term "manic." We mean no disrepect to manics, maniacs, or other crazies. They deserve our respect just like normal people, and, when properly medicated, they can be very pleasant.

Goat Testicles A Big Hit

As most of you know, I was, in a previous life, affectionately called "The Idiot Chef." With recipies ranging from Sloppy Slop to Thumb Stew, my legacy will forever live on in the Food Hall of Famousness. But, I must admit that I cannot take credit for the latest culinary craze - Goat Testicles.

GOAT TESTICLES

Ingredients:
-2 or more goat testicles
-2 small chopped onions
-4 chilli peppers
-1 celery-
-4 potatoes
- margarine or butter
-200 gr of Brussels sprouts
Recipe:
Cook the goat balls in salted water.
Pour off the water and simmer the testicles together with the margarine, onions,
peppers, sprouts, and celery. Boil the potatoes separately and squash them with
a bit of margarine. Serve warm.

Goat Balls yum, yum.

OneEar Rescues First Unichurck From Hell

"When hell freezes over!!!" was the verdict handed down by the supreme and gracious God, Rusty. Rusty and I were reviewing my Form 10742- Application (Revised) for Reconsideration on Banishment to Gehenna - Short Form. Little did He know, I had read my Dante.

As an aside, you will find when debating Him that He does very little research any more. He has gotten intellectually lazy over the years, and you can sometimes surprise Him with concepts developed during the last 800 years.

"Excuse me, your wholliness," I said with just the right degree of deference to disguise my sarcasm. "As I recall the Inferno, Cocytus, the ninth and lowest circle of Hell is, in fact, a frozen lake." "Unless you are willing to call Dante a fiction writer, Hell has - frozen over."

Another helpful hint when debating an all-powerful being - don't get him angry. Judging by the flames coming out each of Rusty's orifices, I could tell that I was in danger of violating my own advice on this point. I had to think quickly or else yours truly was going to suffer a good old-fashioned smiting.

"Of course," I quickly interjected, "you in all of your wisdom and occity already knew this. You were testing us. Yeah, you were just testing us." He stopped mid-smite.

I continued, "You sure do move in mysterious ways," I said, "and I mean mysterious in a good way, not like you're some kind of a freak." I knew from the almost imperceptible puff of his chest that He was buying it.

I just had to close the deal - get him to ask me for the sale. "Just give us a sign of how we should honor you in order to guarantee our release from eternal damnation," I begged. He sat silently for several years. Then, the following ceremony was revealed by Ms. Pineapple:


Little Johnie Walker
Get in a big circle and say: "Little Johnny Walker walking down the street-didn't know what to do so he stopped in front of me. He said, "hey girl shake your thing, shake your thing, stop! hey girl shake your thing, shake your thing, stop!"

To start you just have one person skipping around the circle and when they get to the "hey girl shake your thing" part they stop infront of whoever they're closest to and both people do this little dance thing, it's hard to explain... but it's kind of like putting your arms in a broken T but diagonal, and just dancing around in place and shakin your stuff :D and then once the chant starts over again the original person keeps skipping and the person they danced with starts skipping to. Or sometimes if you just skipped around you can just take the spot of whoever you danced with. And it just keeps going for as long as you want!

He is Risen!

Escatologically speaking, we are fucked! The Rupture is upon us, the end times are ending, and the high times have begun.

How do we know The Rupture is upon us? Look at the teabags, my friend.

#1 - Rusty is here.
#2 - The cartoon battles are in full force.
#3 - Seven Tempos have blown seven horns while waiting for seven ducklings to cross Ronald Reagan Boulevard (which used to be Seventh Street).

"Hosanna," you're probably saying to yourself, "the great tribulation is over and God's defeat of evil is nigh." You are understandably enthusiastic about what this means for you and yourn. Not so fast my friends. I am afraid I must bear some bad news.

Granted, most Western monotheistic faiths hold that true believers will be spared God's wrath on judgment day and will instead enter the kingdom of heaven. Due to some unfortunate missteps during planning sessions and some ill-advised focus groups, our faith never adopted a heaven myth. We had every intention of creating a paradise/end of time scenario, but we just did not get around to it. We were very busy constructing our paradise-like vacation land which can be rented by the day or by the week. Paradise proper was on our "honey-do" list, but, regrettably, honey didn’t.

And so, that leaves us "out in the dark," so to speak. You can only imagine how sorry we are that you and yourn will spend eternity out here in the depths of nothingness with me and mine. But hey, let's make the best of it. It'll be like a sleepover. A really, really long, cold, dark, sleepover.

Reference materials:
Cartoon Wars – The First Unichurck Was Attacked
Rupture Reprieve
Rupture Premajaculation

Neighbor-hate Week Kickoff

“What To Expect…” Misses Expectations

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Iran, Iran So Far Away

(thanks to John McCain)
Oh, Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Bomb, bomb, Iran.
Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Bomb, bomb, Iran.

Oh, Bomb Iran.
Take my plan
And bomb Iran

You've got us thrilling and killing
blood it is a-spilling
bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran.

Went to Baghad
Thought that we'd been had
Thought "bomb Iran"
It couldn't be as bad
to bomb Iran
bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran
That is the plan

We've given you lots of rope
And a stage for your dope
Let's bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran

Tried to beat our chest,
Tried to beat our chest,
Beat our chest again but we still had a mess
Let's bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran

Da Do Run Ron

We met him on a Monday down in Tex -ass
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.
We learned he was an autopederast
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


Yah, he was from Tex-ass
Yah, an auto-pederast
And auto-fellatio
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


A man could cast his/her/transgender's vote
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.
For the black guy, the woman, or the another goat
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


Yah, he's the best in town
Yah, at coming around
The ultimate act of narcissism
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.

Lambe

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Does it increase the score
When you get laid?

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Does it increase your roar?
When you invade?

Come you little lamb of the Cretaceous period
The possibilities are a myriad.
For the use of your phallic head
May have helped you to get bred
But one thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Is it useful anymore
To serenade?

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Is it simply a hardcore
Masquerade?

Come you precursor to the modern day dickhead
Lift yourself from your prehistoric sickbed
Hold your head up high
An appendage to the sky
But one thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

One thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

T and A with S in between

You can take away my freedom
You can take my homemade scotch
You can take away my nail clips and my mousse
You can take away my condom
Pry my hands off of my crotch
Do you really think you should take away my shoes?

But you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
No you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
Like a bota of napalm
I'm a ticking, gurgling bomb
And you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut

Let's put the gas back back gastric
And the fun back in fundic
And the fan back in fantastic
Hey, Doc Bok it's for you.

You can take and break my guitar
Or at least smash up the neck
When the chimps who live in baggage do their worst.
You smash my box of cigars
You can make my bag a wreck
I really don't expect to be reimbursed

But you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
No you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
Like a bota of napalm
I'm a ticking, gurgling bomb
And you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut

Unless,
I
spew
on
you.

Phantom Feelings

You feel an itch
But you cannot scratch
Because your leg is gone

You feel a chill
That you cannot warm
Because your leg is gone

It's in a smoker at an auction
Of abandoned property
About 35 miles from Charlotte
North Caroliner
What the hell,
Why don't you get in your truck and
Go get your leg.
Oh yah, I forgot, you can't drive
Because of, you know, the leg.

You feel a pain
That you cannot quell
Because your leg is gone.

You feel damaged
But the damage
Is not that your leg is gone
It's all in your brain.

Top 10 Reasons We Don't Use Self-Deprecating Humor

#10 - Deprecates self.
#9 - Not very good at it.
#8 - Not part of Rusty's grand scheme.
#7 - Two words - orangutan scrotum.
#6 - Reminds us of Joshua Bolten.
#5 - Drives idiot traffic to site.
#4 - Drives smart people who will buy Rustywhear to site.
#3 - Not appropriate for post 9-11 world.
#2 - Not smart enough to think of 10 items.

And the number one reason we don't use self-deprecating humor:

Top 10 Reasons We Don't Post Top 10 Lists

#10 - Seems like a rip-off of Letterman.
#9 - Two words - Bacon trapeze.
#8 - Can't figure out why everyone insists on the number 10.
#7 - Seems like an excuse for timely, topical humor.
#6 - Gives Bush input on candidates to replace Andy Card.
#5 - Drives smart people who will buy Rustywhear to site.
#3 - Highlights inability to count.
#2 - Have difficulty counting backwards.

And the number one reason we don't post top 10 lists on this site:

Zombie Update

As reported in the NY Times (a newspaper):

Roaming the streets in business suits, blood dripping from their chins. Ducking through the city's parks, dodging bullets fired by the invading army of Somali schoolgirls. Rampaging through an experimental women's prison. Clawing their way out of graves, on a murderous march to reunite with the Deathbringer. And so forth.

We're talking of course about zombies. If you haven't been paying attention — and if you haven't been paying attention, heaven help you — zombies are back.

Fortunately for parishioners of the First Unichurck, you were provided with information quite some time ago about how to protect your family from zombies.

We would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate ourselves once again on the First Unichurck's leadership on this issue, on our predictive intuition and on how in tune we are with the undead. What we failed to appreciate was the link between the zombie uprising, the impending rupture, and the bird flu. The New York Times connected the dots:

"People have apocalypse on the brain right now," Mr. Brooks said. "It's from terrorism, the war, natural disasters like Katrina." Several zombie aficionados said there was a zombielike quality to the spread of the bird flu.

My mind is clearer now. At last, all too well, I can see where we all soon shall be.

Which raises the next logical question, should a zombie scene be written into the script for The Sick Scents? "Strike while the paranoia is hot," I always say*.


*Actually, I've never said that before even once, but it sounds like the kind of thing that I would always say.

Dr. Lbok Asked to Opine on Need for Bird Flu Panic

I need a little help here. A controversy has erupted over the need for panic about the bird flu. See Sven's discussion of the issue. Some say we should panic now while others say we should have panicked long ago. One would always like to know exactly when to panic, and fortunately, experts have weighed in on the matter including someone named Dr. Know.

At first I thought Dr. Know was a psuedonymn for our very own Loud but off key. However, after I read a few of her posts, I realized that she is not him. It started me to thinking, though - why not ask our very own Dr. Lbok about this bird flu issue.

From the little reading I have done on the subject, it appears that one should not have unprotected intercourse with a chicken (unless you personally know the bird to be virginal). Apparently, you also should not keep chicken in your house. I'm not clear on how you're supposed to cook it, but I guess grilling out is always an option. I believe that it is still safe to hypnotize chickens.

However, I still don't know whether my terror about this avian bird chicken flu is overdue. Dr. Lbok, I need an opinion, stat.

Clarice Jailed

Clarice the Doe, on-and-off girlfriend and one-time fiance' of Ru-D-Rude (formerly Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer), was indicted yesterday on prostitution and racketeering charges.

Tipped off by alert blogger Sven in a blog comment, Federal Investigators swarmed an abandoned Rustywhearhouse which formerly housed Spanko inventory for Rusty Enterprises. Police say Clarice's alleged prostitution and oxycontin distribution activities were headquartered at the facility.

Known for her trademark long eyelashes and the wag of her tail, Clarice long ago lost the charm that made her so appealing to a generation of TV viewers. She lived the classic rags to riches back to rags story that is unfortunately so common among the Hollywood set. As a young fawn, Clarice attained stardom in the classic TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But fame and fortune did not suit the young hoofed ruminant. The misfit toys she met during filming soon lured her into the darker shadows, she began experimenting with exotic grasses and soon fell in with a rough crowd of elk.

It was only a matter of time before Clarice began offering her own cute little tail in order to support her habits. Her hide was for sale, and there was no shortage of demand for that shammy. As time passed, she rose to the head of an international crime syndicate. Recent criminal activity attributed to her organization includes orchestrating the creation of false Swedish masturbation TV stories and financing porn star wine label projects. But selling her own crusty wares remained her personal bread and butter.

Clarice's customers now fear what she may tell investigators in a plea bargain deal. One interviewee, who asked to remain anonymous but whose name is Michael Leslie Clouse, said, "That damned doe is a liar. That hundert I gave her weren't stolen, and I don't even know her nohow!"

We will follow this story as it develops further through further developments.

Rusty Recalls 100,000 Spankos

Rusty Enterprises, in cooperation with the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, and without admitting any liability, announced yesterday the complete and immediate recall of the popular Spanko attachment to the best-selling Prankocranko obscene autocaller.

The product was originally designed and approved for sale as a self-pleasure implement for the Prankocranko machine itself. However, company officials and the USCPSC learned that the Spanko has been used by increasing numbers of consumers as an infant mobile. Apparently the Spanko's gyrating action and gently whirring sound were remarkably soothing to children.

Unfortunately, whenever a product is used for an unintended purpose, unanticipated injuries can occur. The Spanko self-pleasuring device should not be placed in a crib with a baby under any circumstances!! Consumers should return their units to the nearest Rustyland outlet at their earliest convenience for a pro-rated credit for other Rustuff.

Coco Receives Prestigious Award

As eloquently reported in the Tampa Tribune;

"Coco might have looked a little sheepish, if not for the jaunty black top hat and purple tuxedo. With her black face cloaked in green fabric and front hooves sporting white gloves, the year-old Hampshire ewe managed a competent impersonation of Jiminy Cricket - even if her costume designer was less than pleased with the effect.
"She looks more like an alien band leader," said (the idiotic) Nancy Squitieri, whose 10-year-old son, David, came decked out as Pinocchio. The judges, however, were impressed with her handiwork. ...(Coco) took home a second-place ribbon for best overall theme Tuesday at the Florida Strawberry Festival's annual lamb costume contest."

Needless to say, we at Rusty Enterprises and the First Unichurck are very, very proud of our little lamb. The Florida Strawberry Festival hosts one of the most grueling and competitive lamb costume contests in the greater Tampa Bay area. Some would even say it is the premier lamb costume contest in Northern Florida (excluding the panhandle).

Coco's tight fitting royal violet tuxedo, accented by her elegant long white gloves and stylish tophat indeed presented a magnificent spectacle. But more than what she wore, it was how she wore it that won over judges. Like a seductive Lolita, Coco demurely peeked from behind her emerald veil, batted those long, Clarice the Doe-like eyelashes, and then, ever so subtley shook her tail. The crowd went wild. All that one can say is, "Encore?"

Rusty Launches "Got Gelatin????" Ad Campaign

As noted above in the headline, Rusty has launched the "Got Gelatin????" Advertising campaign. This is because, according to Rusty, "eating gelatin is OK!"



















Contrary to popular belief, gelatinous substances, made through the partial hydrolysis of collagen extracted from animal ligaments, cartilage, bones and skin, are not merely good eating. Gelatin is also used by synchronized swimmers to hold their hair in place and as a binder when making matches.

Through the "Got Gelatin????" campaign, Rusty Enterprises hopes consumers will think about some of these wonderful alternative uses the next time they are making theirgelatin purchases.

ORDER MORE Rustywhear

FU Weekly

Rusty says, Eating Gelatin is OK!

Kay said,
"gelatin is not kosher in case you were concerned"

Dear Kay,

These arbitrary dietary rules and restrictions are just another reason to leave you Old World Religion behind and join up with Rusty's First UnichurK. Rusty not only permits the consumption of gelatin, but he encourages it. In fact, Rusty Enterprises in one of the world's leading suppliers of gelatin and gelatin-like products.

What makes Rusty's gelatin so special? Well, as you may or may not be aware, gelatin is made from "cowlagen"…and Rusty Enterprise uses only the purest source of cowlagen –COWS! To find out more about how we process our cows in our state-of-the-art rendering facility located in beautiful Charlestown, MA, and to discover why Rusty Enterprises has earned the title "the Gentle Renderer," click here.

Many companies may say that their most valuable asset is their employees but at Rusty Enterprises we know it's true…especially since our entire staff consists of Abu Gogo workers who are prized for their small features and keen sense of smell, and who are also easily tricked into contracts of long servitude. The Abu Gogo oversee the processes that transforms various cow elements into assorted Rusty gelatin and gelatin-like products and you can learn more about that here.

So, Kay, when it comes to gelatin we encourage you to gather as much information as possible and then come out to one of Rusty's First UnichurK ceremonies where you can sample a Gummy Lamb. We promise you won't burn in Hell and the first one is free.

"Let he whose sins have been absolved throw stones at everyone else."

Dear Followers;

For the last several periods of time, along with our music and ministry endeavors, Rusty has called upon us to pioneer a religious business endeavor to support and fund our ministry efforts. By Rusty's grace, this has grown into a fairly substantial enterprise, Rusty Enterprises Corporation Limited Inc., a very very limited liability company (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchange).

Our business plan is Jeremiah 33:1-11 - reveal things we do not know, restore the wealth of the land to us, and cause the nations of the earth to tremble. Unfortunately, conventional lending institutions do not accept this business plan. I hope they enjoy the eternal hellfires of damnation.

Despite the hurdles placed before us by non-believers, banks, and other materialists, RUE has grown supernaturally. As Rusty's prophets have been prophesying in many prophesies, Nothing's gonna turn us back now, straight ahead and on the track now. We're gonna make our dreams come true, doin' it our way!"

RUE is, indeed, doin' it our way, and our way is Rusty's way. RUE's success is part of Rusty's grand plan for the universe, and we therefore ask that you pray for our success - pray in the form of giving us your money.

As Rusty revealed to his disciples in the Clown Squad's award winning musical, Salmon Boy, "Don't sell sex, sell religion!" Rusty revealed the corollary is this commandment, "Thou shalt buy religion and all of its accoutrements including the Rusty thong, the Baaaa if you love Rusty bib and other Rustywhear."

Granted, Rusty is less concise and more crass than some other deities, but that does not denigrate the truth of his wisdom whatsoever.

Rusty shall guide us out of the wilderness of original sin to the all-inclusive resort of righteousness. We solemnly bow our heads together and pray - pray that Rusty will grant you the wisdom and the courage to recognize how important it is for you to buy each and every RUE product for each and every person that you know. RUE shall succeed because it must succeed. I would not recommend trying to argue against that logic or you will find yourself in the scalded company of a certain group of bankers.

Fine Rustywhear Merchandise

New York City wrote:
My very chic Rusty sweatshirt arrived today, fine American Apparel quality and quite snug fitting. When they say small they mean small... (My spouse) is insanely jealous that he does not have a Rusty outfit of his own yet. Maybe if he is lucky for his birthday. I hope the proceeds are going to help famine relief in Darfur or some other worthy cause and not going into some giant Rusty hedge fund.

New York, thank you for counting yourself among our satisfied customers. We do employ the starving people in Darfur for garment sizing purposes. Fear not about the hedge fund. We are leveraging the proceeds by investing on Dances With Wool to show in the third race at Belmont.

It is never too early to ORDER MORE Rustywhear

RUE Enters Government Contracting

Q: What is the timeframe, Mr. Dumsfeld?
A: Civil war, what civil war? Who said anything about a civil war? War is not "civil," and there is no war - there is an unending struggle of the righteous against the wrongteous. Now, pay attention: when Mickey's yellow hand is on the 6, I will need for you to give me another $91B US.


Carefully analyze the above exchange. What is the lesson? Ronald Dumsfeld is concealing something? His watch is broken? No. The lesson is that we need to figure out how to get some of that honey.

According to Pentagon audits, Halliburton and its subsidiaries’ Iraq reconstruction work has, thus far, shown $1.5 billion in "questioned" or “unsupported” charges.

Rusty Enterprises, a faith-based initiative, proposes to contract with the US Government for only $1.47 Billion in unsupported questionable charges, thus saving the US taxpayers $10 million.

We hope to enlist the assistance of Joe Allbaugh, former head of FEMA (President Bush’s campaign manager in 2000) who now lobbies for Iraq (and Katrina) reconstruction contracts. Our expectation is that he will see to it that Rusty Enterprises is the successful low bidder for this project. We have allocated $15 million of the missing $20 million to his exploratory committee.

We will need to put in some long hours to dream up $1.47 Billion in unsupported questionable charges, but I am confident that the team at Rusty Enterprises is up to the task.

Blogger Tires of Working - Resumes Dicking Around

In a surprise move today, renowned blogger OneEar, Chief Chief Chief of Rusty Enterprises Corporation, Ltd. and High Priestest of the First Unification ChurcK, became bored and resumed blogging activities.

OneEar has discovered The Earfarm/ which is a music-related site dedicated to the restoration of ears. Rusty will be very interested in learning about this. Very interested. the fluffies and the Clown Squad will be contacted to see if they have any new material to submit to this site.

This empire is growing like a giant fungus.

How about the name Marsh Room and the Fun Guys?

Blogger to Attempt to Get Some Work Done

New York Falls For Rustywhear

"Rustidation" is defined as the addition of Rustywhear to a wardrobe resulting in a corresponding increase in hep. It is a phenomena that is taking the nation by storm, and the eye of the fashion hurricane appears to be New York City. One consumer writes:

"I am amazed by the wide range of Rusty merchandise available, your church and blog must be generating a steady stream of revenue so you can extend your empire. I think it will be perfect for Christmas/Channukah/Kwaanza gifts in 2006. A sheep bathed in drool is hard to resist. Especially love the magnets..." - Donnygirl

As I advised Donnygirl, the Rusty Empire is not nearly as extensive as she supposes. Empire-building is no easy task. However, Rustians do surpass the ancient Romans in the number of refrigerator magnets offered for sale. Now, if only we knew someone in LA. Think......think....

Elephant Leg More Exciting Than Camel Toe

You think the camel toe is interesting??? Wait until you see the elephant leg!!! Picture this beauty in a red garter, glittery nail polish and open-toed high heeled spikes. You want to talk sexy?

This and more can be seen in person at the National Museum of Health and Medicine in DC.

Blogger Surprised by Camel-Toe Popularity

Although I am a renowned prognosticationist, I must confess that I had no idea that the subject of camel toes would so predominate the discussion on this most holy of blogs. It just goes to prove the old adage, "Confessional crotch-talk, stood on its head, is professional crotch-talk." Truer trueness was never undenied.

However, I feel that it is time to put our crotches away (and put on some underwhear, for God's sake ORDER your Rusty boxer shorts and thongs HERE).

We need to focus -
TO DO
1) find camera - check.
2) prepare for the Rupture - check
3) Sell some books - check
4) write award winning movie script - check
5) open Game Farm - check
6) save the world - check

Wait a minute - I think we're done.

Camera Found!!

Bishop Busty Foxxx has pulled off another miracle. Where the Louisiana State Senate and the State of Rhode Island both failed, Bishop Foxxx succeeded - He found Cocoa's camera!!

You will recall that Cocoa lost his camera in New Orleans. We enlisted the assistance of the Louisiana State Senate and Providence, Rhode Island, but neither was of any assistance. Charlie thought he had found it once before, but he hadn't. We all moved on about our lives in quiet resignation and the subject turned to camel toes, as it often does. Suddenly, "Eureka!" The Camera appeared to Bishop Foxxx.

Bishop Foxxx posted the first two frames at Camel Toe Sighting and equal-opportunity-camel-toe.

Now we can get back to work.

Rusty Enterprises to Team Up with Opticians for RustyVision

Traditional direct marketing campaigns can be annoying.

They range from annoying door-to-door salesmen to annoying friend-to-neighbor saleswomen to annoying mass mailings to annoying phone solicitations to annoying spam emails. The common denominator in all of these techniques. They are annoying.

In a effort to boost lagging sales of The Pretty Good Book and Rustywhear, Rusty Enterprises has entered into an alliance with the American Society of Struggling Opticians. ASSO opticians have agreed to place Rusty Enterprises slogans on the inside of people's glasses and contact lenses where they will be seen during every waking hour.

ASSO officials assure the public that the advertising is safe and effective, and that having specs of images and text constantly in your field of vision will be less annoying than the above-mentioned sales techniques.

Rusty Enterprises (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchange) shares rose sharply on the news.

Rusty Worms Into Big Apple

Contacted to comment on a particular debate involving camel-toe-eating, a friend of The True Church who happens to reside in Manhattan, NY appears ready and willing to introduce Rustywhear, America's latest and, to date, greatest fashion craze, to Madison Avenue. She wrote:

"I am so excited to discover Rusty merchandise for sale, what a marketing opportunity for you to make your fortune on Cafe Press. I feel strongly that I must make a purchase to support all of your efforts in the community"...Kay

Now, if only we knew someone in Los Angeles, we could begin the classic marketing Pincer movement (the Sun Tzu "path of escape" will be Detroit).

ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

Don't forget the Pretty Good Book.

Crisis Uncricified!

Parishioners have been deeply concerned about the condition of dear Bishop Busty Foxxx. The pressing concern, "would he have to move to Detroit?" A few backdroppings might be in order: Bishop Foxxx was assigned to reign over the desert, the Sonoma Desert. Unfortunately, Bishop Foxxx lives in the Sonora Desert. He quickly became justifiably concerned with the jurisdictional entanglements arising from such a typographical error.

Bishop Foxxx was under the misconception that the Sonoma Desert is North and East of San Francisco. Fortunately, he is wrong. We have learned that the Sonoma Desert is a golf course in Las Cruces, NM. Apparently, it is somehow akin to the Bermuda Triangle, according to some other guy. Sonoma Desert akinship to Bermuda Triangle.

Therefore, parishioners need not be concerned about moving to Detroit. Vanishing planes and alien landings remain a cause for anxiety.