Wise-ass Virgins and Godesses

The latest? Sporadic Gasbag Review lived up to the billing - it was sporadic. See Ms. Keeks' review of City of Lights . Telling the gripping tale of an adopted daughter's struggle to write a timely review, Ms. Keeks delves into topics ranging from virgins to heroin. I couldn't help but think, perhaps they should build a real City of Lights.


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Word Whores
Under the pretense of reviewing Full Speed, Attila the Mom, aka Lilwalnutbrain, uses this week's bag of gas as a literary excuse to criticize ghost writers. For shame! Is there anything ignoble about being a prostitue? If feminism has taught us anything, it is that feminism apparently hasn't taught us anything.

Where would Nancy Drew be without Edward Stratemeyer? Who would ever remember author Jack Kennedy without Ted Sorensen? And what about a God putting his "me too" on the literary works of Matthew, Mark, Luke et al?

I personally would never stoop to writing for money. Go ahead and tempt me with an eight-figure book deal and see how I handle it. No, my credibility is not for sale! But, just out of curiousity, how much is eight figures?


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Nightmare on Phlegm Street

Nightmare54, a gasbag expert in the odor of cattle feces, aimed his sensitive nostrils at the big screen this week and took a big whiff. His verdict on the stench emanating from Uptown Girls? Ladies and gentlemen, we have bullshit.

If I am not correct, and often I don't, Uptown Girls is a movie adaptation of a song by the piano man himself, Billy Joel Osmond, eldest of the talented Osmond family. But wait a minute! After bashing the movie for several paragraphs, Nightmare gave us a glimpse of some of the content:

In one scene Brittney would be wearing tights under a see through
skirt and then you would catch a glimpse of her G-string then the tights would
flash back in place…and let’s face it, who doesn’t like to look at panties? They
are sexy, and when they are slightly covered up….that is HOT!!

This movie sounds like a wonderful exploration of the human condition - a veritable classic. I'm beginning to doubt the bullshit smeller's bullshit smellability.

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Sven Rescues JT Rowling From Obscurity

This week's gasbag review is by Sven. Bucking the gasbag directive to avoid obscure material, Sven stole into the depths of the unknown to emerge with "Harry Potter and the Giblet of Fire." According to Sven, the book portrays the life and times of "prepubescent imps and magical little friends." This may explain why I'm not familiar with the book insofar as I'm sure it would not be permitted on my Court-approved reading list.

But while we're on the subject of Gimlets of Fire, here is my favorite recipe:

2 oz Vodka
1/2 oz lime juice.
Splash of tabasco.

Mixing instructions: Mix together.

Best served in a goblet.

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Compulsive Liar Seeks Truth
http://unabashedliar.blogspot.com/2006/04/truth-about-diamonds.html

This week, sweet young Meg, a self-described compulsive liar, reviews The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Richie. See Meg's review. As we all know, Nicole Richie is the somewhat trampy daughter of singer Lionel Richie. Her claim to fame is being the somewhat trampy heroin-using sidekick of the somewhat trampy Hilton family heiress. Together, they took the Green Acres/City Slickers concept to an all new high in low through their somewhat trampy show A Simpleton's Life.

I had no idea that Richie was also a somewhat trampy author. I recall an FCC brou-ha-ha about her saying "F~ck!ng Sh!t" during some live TV broadcast, but I didn't know that she writes her own material.

From Meg's review, I gather that Richie's literary creation is only semi-fictional.

But is it real or is it fiction? I kept asking myself. Oh well. I guess I'll never know. I do, however, know that this book met my expectations almost exactly. I expected the book to suck, and guess what. It sucked.

If Richie wrote a book that sucked, I would assume that it is an autobiography.

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British Saint Reviews Poppy Book
This week's gasbag review by St. Jude of a book called Tall Poppies, never answers the central question:

Do tall poppies make you higher?

On behalf of the flock, I will look into it.

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Brilliant review of What to Expect When You're Expecting by the inpenetrable OneEar

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Sporadic Gasbagger is MIA
The premise - each week, an Sporadic Gasbagger will review an awful book, movie or television. The problem - one of the SGR reviewers is missing and presumed dead. The solution - Attila the Mom pointed readers to a post about a Scotsman and his family.
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A Sporadic Gasbag's Impressions of the Film AI
This week's sporadic gasbag review's the movie AI. You will remember this film from the stellar performance by Haley Joe Osmond, the youngest of the talented Osmond family. Although I am no fan of the "boy robot befriends male prostitute" movies, I do not share the gasbag's fervent dislike for this particular film. Granted, one might have expected more from a Spielberg written and directed version of a Kubrick vision, but, then again, they can't all be Eyes Wide Shut.