The Crying Game Farm

Old Grumpy Sergeant, the retired prize-winning pig, calls a meeting of all of the animals of the Game Farm, (reservations available). Present are Bucky the workhorse, Snoballs the llama, Nappy the goat, and Squealy the squirrel. Col the barn-cat may or may not be present, and ditto for some other animals.

• Snoballs – Ok, let’s call this meeting to order. Roll call – Snoballs, “here.” Old Grump,
• Bucky – Snoballs, you are out of order. There was not a second to your motion for roll call.
• Squealy – You don’t need a second for a roll call. It is not a motion, it is a procedure.
• Snoballs – That’s right.
• Bucky – I don’t think so,
• Squealy - Where is the reference manual for my Robert’s Rulpod? What would it be under, roll or motion?
• Nappy – Oh, it would definitely be under roll, because motion is the broader, or more generic, if you will, classification, while roll relates only to the specific instance wherein …
• Old Grump – Would you harfing sterks shut the froach up. Listen you mother-froaching boaxx, I had a harfing dream that I must tell you about. There was a…. A time came when ….. Froach! Now I can’t remember what it was about.
• Bucky – Was it about the removal of all parasitic humans so that the noble animals can live free in a utopia of peace and harmony?
• Old Grump – Ok.

A knock is heard at the door. Busty Foxxx, a buxom young lass with nondiscriminating taste enters wearing a feathered Mardi Gras mask, a Rusty thong, and nothing else. She is riding a panther bareback.

• Busty Foxxx – I’m here to do you, I mean, to do your books.
• Nappy – Hey look. A girl.
• Busty Foxxx– That’s right. I’m your new CPA, and let's just say I operate on the cash method.
• Squealy- I’m afraid our organization actually operates on the accrual method, but it was nice of you to stop by.
• Busty Foxxx– Don’t you guys know how this works. Everything I say involves sexual double entendre.
• Bucky – Oh, then could you please fuck me a beer out of the fridge.
• Old Grump – While you’re up, fetch me the piss bucket.

Busty returns with beers and the piss bucket.

• Busty Foxxx– Ok, now where were we. Ask me what “CPA” stands for.
• Snoballs – Could I take a quick look at your teeth?
• Nappy - Did I mention that I am a doctor?
• Bucky- Here, hold this between your breasts.
• Busty Foxxx- You idiots couldn’t get laid by a pro during a porno shoot.

Busty Foxxx masturbates for just long enough, then leaves.

• Bucky - ok where were we , oh yes, why don’t you sing us a revolutionary song about it.
• Old Grump – Why don’t you eat my sterk.
• Bucky – Fine, I’ll sing the revolutionary song..
  
  Without the Dudes
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  .
  .
  .

The Game Farm - the Musical (First draft)

Cast –
Old Grump the pig – Alceste
Bucky the stallion – OneEar
Snoballs the llama – Coco
Nappy the goat – Lbok
Squealy the squirrel – B&S


Old Grumpy Sergeant, the retired prize-winning pig, calls a meeting of all of the animals of the Game Farm, (reservations available). Present are Bucky the workhorse, Snoballs the llama, Nappy the goat, and Squealy the squirrel. Col the barn-cat may or may not be present, and ditto for some other animals.

----
Without the Dudes

Without the dudes, all the non-dudes will be free.
Without the dudes, you’ll be you and I’ll be me,
We shall run and we shall squat down while the peace
Comes raining down, a golden shower of harmony

Without the dudes, not a wasted seed shall spill.
Without the dudes, we shall lick ourselves at will.
We shall munch the rug of turf upon the hill
And each longing hole in our souls we shall fill.

To bring about this utopia
A bountiful cornucopia
A series of shots, some counseling
And a little snippity sew
So?

Without the dudes, we shall puff out chests out proud.
Without the dudes, rough-sporting wars - not allowed.
Never again, will the fertile fields be plowed.
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.

(ALL ANIMALS JOIN SINGING ROBUSTLY)
Without the dudes, all the non-dudes will be free.
Without the dudes, you’ll be you and I’ll be me,
We shall run and we shall squat down while the peace
Comes raining down, a golden shower of harmony,

Without the dudes, we shall puff our chests out proud.
Without the dudes, rough-sporting wars - not allowed.
Never again, will the fertile fields be plowed.
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.
(solo spot on Bucky, quietly then crescendo, Celine Dion style)
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.

Squealy, and Old Grump look at one another questioningly, then shrug and walk away.

Nappy and Snoballs remain with Bucky.

Nappy – So, I’ll assume command. Snoballs, you can be my second in charge, sort of the little buddy to my captain.
Snoballs – Don’t call me little buddy.
Bucky – Perhaps you misunderstood. Do you appreciate what we must do?
Nappy – I wasn’t really listening, but, whatever it is, I should be in charge. Right Snoballs.
Snoballs – Let’s vote. All in favor, Aye.
Nappy – Aye.
Bucky – You are out of order.
Nappy – The Aye’s have it.
Bucky – How about rock paper scissors?
Snoballs – For what?
Bucky – For this motion.
Snoballs – You are out of order.

All three leave while continuing to argue about procedural niceties.

All are together again with Nappy standing on a booster stool before a podium.

Nappy – So, anyway, we’re going to need some guidelines or rules, commandments if you will,

Thou shalt not create an idol, except of me.
For I am vain, and there aren’t mirrors everywhere.

Thou shalt not say a blasphemous word about me.
For I am insecure, and I don’t like to listen to that anyway.

Thou shalt not kill, but there are many exceptions to that one
That are too numerous for me to get into right now.

Thou shalt not steal, that one seems obvious
But I can’t help but feeling I’m wasting my breath.

Thou shalt not practice sexual immorality, without me.
For I enjoy a good sexual immorality as much as the next guy.

Thou shalt not eat the limb of a lamb,
You know who made me put that one in.

Thou shalt establish courts of justice.
It seemed like we should have at least one shalt.

And back to the sexual immorality, while we’re on the subject,
I’ve got several clarification commandments that I will tell
You about on an individual basis.

So sayeth I, Nappy the Goat.

Old Grump – this story sucks. Snoballs, grab your wallet and we’ll go to the store. What do we need besides beer, cigarettes, sloppy slop fixins, bread, gatorade, whisky, gin, vodka, and tomato juice? Should I get some fresh shrimp?

Snoballs – we need celery, bananas and maraschino cherries.

Bucky – And some olives and a bottle of brandy. Better make that 2.

Nappy – Hey Snoballs, get some perogies and we can compare them to Chicago perogies.

Squealy – Old Grump, get some of that voodoo beer.

Old Grump – Do you guys want to have froaching shrimp tonight or not?

Bucky – Ok, I’ll go start a fire.

Old Grump – Bucky, get back in here and don’t start any fires while I’m gone. Nappy, you’re in charge.

Nappy – That is old business.

Squealy – What’s my job?

Old Grump – You watch Bucky too.

Old Grump and Snoballs leave.

The Battle of the Cowshed -2 unknown creatures, approximately the same height and build as Old Grump and Snoballs but wearing costumes, enter the farm.

Unknown creatures who look like Old Grump and Snoballs: We’ve come to kill you here so we don’t have to kill you where we live.

Nappy – Let me handle this. Bucky, attack.

Bucky – Way ahead of you.

A ball of flame erupts from the pool of gasoline that Bucky had lit for no apparent reason. The Unknown creatures who look like Old Grump and Snoballs flee.

Nappy gloats, the power obviously going to his head.

Nothing is better than me.
Nothing is better than me.
I wouldn’t trade my place
For any other race
For Nothing is better than me.

Nobody is higher than me.
Nobody is higher than me.
I do not need to fly
Scuse me while I kiss this guy
For nobody is higher than me.

Squealy
What did you just say?
I knew that you were gay.

Nappy
If by gay you mean happy
Then I’m guilty as charged

For nobody is gayer than me
Nobody is gayer than me
You give my balls a roll
I’m on the top of the pole
And nobody is gayer than me.

Snouts up

I'm working on the script for this year's performance, and I'm thinking we should revive the barnyard animal theme. Sort of like Orwell's Animal Farm - For Dummies.

So, I need to assign each Clown Squad member to an animal. Bok is easy - goat. Coco and I both have a history with sheep, but I think of him as more of a llama. What about Alceste - bull, pig, or jack-ass? B&S has a thing for squirrels and other large rodents - but does this really count?

What about Colipscol? Is he even aware that we're meeting? He could be the cat. You rarely know where he is or when he will show up, and he can lick his own ass.

I need some input before I set this in stone.

Thank you for your prompt attention.

Truly, yours, OneEar

PS - Perhaps I should be a stallion.

Blogger Surprised by Camel-Toe Popularity

Although I am a renowned prognosticationist, I must confess that I had no idea that the subject of camel toes would so predominate the discussion on this most holy of blogs. It just goes to prove the old adage, "Confessional crotch-talk, stood on its head, is professional crotch-talk." Truer trueness was never undenied.

However, I feel that it is time to put our crotches away (and put on some underwhear, for God's sake ORDER your Rusty boxer shorts and thongs HERE).

We need to focus -
TO DO
1) find camera - check.
2) prepare for the Rupture - check
3) Sell some books - check
4) write award winning movie script - check
5) open Game Farm - check
6) save the world - check

Wait a minute - I think we're done.

Rupture Postponement Pending Membership Initiative

The forthcoming end of the World, colloquially known as "The Rupture" will need to be postponed while we complete ongoing membership enhancement efforts. The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has begun its Spring membership drive, and members are encouraged to bring a guest and a dish to pass.

All expendable prayer requests should be used for our efforts to convince the Lord to postpone The Rupture. Prayers for otherwise worthwhile causes, such as racial harmony, world peace, or particular sporting teams, should be deferred for the time-being in favor of pleas for Rupture postponement. We really need much more time for proselytizing and book sales. Try not to get corn-holed into requesting a particular date. Just say, “we humbly ask Thee, in all Thy graciousness and occity, for an extension.” Remember, the first person to state a number loses the negotiation. If you find yourself in a bind, just say, “I’ll get back to you.”

Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books.

FOR THOSE WITH GAME FARM RESERVATIONS - Please see Rupture Rebate Policy

Rupture Rebate Policy

We regret to inform you that there will be NO GAME FARM REBATES on account of the impending Rupture. Due to circumstances beyond our control, and in accordance with our corporate policy, we are unable to process any requests for rebates based upon the perceived or actual end of the planet. Please accept our sincere apologies, and don't hesitate to contact us for future reservations (only if there is no discontinuation of time, etc.)