The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
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THE SICK SCENTS
written by The Old Guys Associated
INTERIOR BASEMENT ROOM – POORLY LIT AND MESSY - ELVIS TAPESTRY HANGS ON WALL.
A NAKED LIGHTBULB SPARKS TO LIFE. It dangles from the ceiling in a tangle of wires which includes two microphones, each wrapped in duct tape, and a duck, wrapped in electrical tape.
LOUD, STAGGERING FOOTSTEPS AS DR. L. BOK clods down the stairs.
L. Bok is the rare combination of goat and man. More man-goat than goat-man, he exudes a proud self-confidence warranted less by his talents than by his inebriation. He stands briefly at the bottom of the stairwell, his nipples hardened by the chill of the basement air.
His eyes come to rest on a guitar lying face down and slightly inverted as though kicked over. We see a smile begin to develop on Bok’s little face. He begins to laugh maniacally and prances over to pick up the guitar. After fiddling briefly with some of the dozens of nobs on various amplifiers, humidifiers, and dehumidifiers, he begins playing the intro to the Rusty Song.
- - - - - - - -- with audio continuing (adding entire band sound) cut to wooded woods sometime in the fall.
Sergeant Moonkey and his Tribe of males appear from behind a hill and walk down the path through the tangled ravine. Silouetted against the dawn sky, the Tribe is viewed from below at a distance, from the perspective of the Others. Sergeant Moonkey stops, turns abruptly, sniffs the air and looks down intently toward the Others. The Tribe slowly resumes its normal chatter.
OneEar and the Others begin moving up the ravine through the woods off of the path and toward the Tribe. Led by One-ear, the Others half-heartly begin a battle- chant. But they are suddenly confronted with a vision that stops them abruptly and strikes terror into them.
Sergeant Moonkey, who had been partly concealed by two males who walked before him, thrusts his arm high into the air and steps forward between them. In his hand he holds a stout tree branch. Mounted atop the branch is the a duck-taped jar of shark’s teeth.
OneEar and the Others gape in fearful disbelief at this display of power. Sergeant Moonkey stands motionless, thrusting the stick high. Then with majestic deliberation, still carrying his terrifying stick high above his head, he begins to walk quickly and deliberately toward the Others. One of the Others steps forward to challenge Sergeant Moonkey, but he is quickly beaten to a pulp. The Others fade back, seeming to lack even the ability to run away. Sergeant Moonkey stands triumphantly over his defeated foe and faces One-Ear who stands watching. Though he is a veteran of numerous combats, One-Ear has never before seen the use of weapon. One-Ear, merely looks up at the raised club until the heavy stick crashes down bringing darkness with it.
- - - - - - - - - -
Cut to playground. Overly polite young man of strict upbringing with a bad habit of leaving fun events early and nervously cupping his balls though his pantspockets is standing near a playground, balls in one hand, blackberry in the other, viewing the screen with obvious concern.
Voice-over:
Code Rojo. One of the clowns is insane. Report immediately for duty. The rock opera project is a go. I’m sure you recall, but for the benefit of the audience I repeat the assignment: You must create a commercially successful rock opera touting the triumph of money over art. Do not, I repeat not, shower. Place pantyhose on head.
- - - - - - - -- CUT to sledding hill in winter time.
Gang sledding down hill; merriment and then various character development.
Alceste’s sledding run carries him deep into the woods where he shouts for the others to join him. He has made a discovery. There lying in the snow either asleep or passed out is Fluffy.
Ono and Cocoa come running playfully.
Fluffy: Oh, hi guys.
Alceste: Fluffy, get up.
Fluffy: Guys, I’ve been visited by a sheep named OneEar. He is a follower of another sheep, who has only one ear, called Rusty. OneEar is the one true spokesman, the surrogate if you will for Rusty. Rusty is, you know, God.
Alceste: I see.
Fluffy: Anyhoo, according to OneEar, and I personally think we should just take this on faith, Rusty wants us to mold ourselves into a successful singing group in order to showcase our devotion to his wonderfulness. Rusty wants us to do whatever OneEar says.
Ono: Makes sense to me.
Cocoa: Rusty speaks through OneEar who speaks through Fluffy? I’m not sure I like where this is going.
Fluffy: Well quit bitching and write something better.
Alceste: This is all just words.
- - - - - - - - -
Cut back to basement some time later.
Clown squad is assembled, apparently drunk, and attempting to perform. But something just isn't right.
Alceste: You sterking gamp.
Bok: I sure am.
Alceste: You froaching harfer-sterker, they want to kill you now. They want you to die, boaxx.
Ono: Alceste.
Bok: What I should or should not say and think, help me.
Ono: Wow, froach his dog.
Fluffy: Who.
Alceste: Squatchface Bok.
Ono: I do.
Alceste: Bok, I come.
Ono: You know fun.
Bok: I must mubil.
Alceste: I like squatch.
Ono: Once again Alceste.
Alceste: Am I making squatch?
Ono: No.
Bok: Cankles?
Ono: No, no hankles
Bok: Do you?
Ono: You know it.
Colin: At the spa! People want to do you.
Alceste: suck suck suck. The teet is big and round, suck.
------
Cut to Cocoa, alone in a small room, typing intently on a laptop. As we approach and look over his shoulder, we see that he is typing this movie script. He is at this point in the script typing these very words. Then he looks up, horrified, and then darkness.
------------------
Cut to Bok dressed as an outlaw roller-derby player in a feather boa and licorice bikini. He is speaking a murmuring language language to some unseen little people. He appears to be describing some type of rat that he discovered at a deli counter.
Alceste bursts into the room followed by Cocoa whose head is bandaged. Bok signals the little people to hide. A confrontation ensues but we can't quite make out the nature of the dispute. We pull back out of the basement window to the ground above. Fluffy happens to be lying there.
FLUFFY:
Child I fell.
The child stares down at Fluffy.
CHILD:
I know, I saw.
FLUFFY:
I may be hemorrhaging internally.
CHILD:
Builds character.
FLUFFY:
Excuse me?
CHILD:
Hemorrhaging internally builds character.
FLUFFY:
Says who?!!!
CHILD:
Daddy.
FLUFFY:
Oh, right.
CHILD (whispering):
I hear loud people.
- - - - - -
Cut back to basement which now reveals, in addition to hundreds of assorted wires, computer equipment, video equipment, amplifiers and musical instruments, an additional mess: dozens of 4/5 empty beer and alcohol bottles, food wrappers, pizza boxes, bags of chips, overturned ashtrays, half-smoked cigars and cigarettes, backyard gaming equipment, fans, clothing, playing cards, children’s board games, blankets, and shoes emitting the unmistakable signs of smashed dog feces. The mess is forming something of a den or a nest.
From the wall clock, it is clear that either 17 minutes have elapsed since our last visit to the basement, or else the clock has been unplugged in favor of an overturned blender.
We see the Clown Squad, including special guest Sparky, assembled, even more inebriated, and watching video footage of themselves. The video is narrated by the voice of OneEar who is commending them on their progress in becoming a successful rock band.
OneEar: I am very proud of you boys. Very proud of your progress in becoming a successful rock band.
Cocoa: Where are the cigarettes?
Fluffy: I think we used them all in that nicorita experiment. There is still some of that left.
Alceste: Hey Cocoa, when you’re at the store getting cigarettes, why don’t you pick up some fresh shrimp. Oh, you don’t get fresh shrimp here? Sorry.
OneEar: Gentlemen. Please, back to the task at hand. Now who has the goal sheet.
Ono: Cocoa, will you get some more of that smoked salmon?
OneEar: Gentlemen! Now is not the time for salmon! I have a very important announcement to announce in an announcing manner.
Silence as the Clown Squad turns in unison toward the screen.
OneEar: Rusty is coming! (audible gasp from the Clown Squad and special guest Sparky) And he needs your help!
- - - - - -
Cut to woods:
Little boy looking under a log in the woods finds a small plastic sheep, picks it up and cleans it off and then puts it into his pocket.
- - - - - - -
Cut to Bok and Fluffy sitting outside where Fluffy apparently has fallen again:
Fluffy: Well, we finally get to meet Rusty. What do you suppose he wants of us?
Bok: 68% of the time, when a previously unseen leader is announced, the purpose for his arrival is the assembly of a crack commando team.
Fluffy: My gut is killing me.
Bok: I strongly suspect that you have sprained your hair. Can you stand?
Fluffy: Yeah, I just need to vomit first.
Bok: Yes, sprained hairs. You see, each hair shaft is supported by a follicle which houses a tiny muscle. Its function is to contract and thereby squeeze a sebaceous gland near the follicle which emits an oily secretion into the skin. This oily secretion is called sebum, and it helps to keep the skin pliable and to shed water. Sometimes when you fall, the levering action of the hair on the gland is extreme and you end up with sprained hairs making your fur, er hair overly oily. Do you understand? All you need is a shot of gin, ok Wookie?
Fluffy: Yeah, just give me a second to vomit.
Bok: That’s right, get all of that evil out of your system and then we’ll go get you some gin.
Fluffy and Bok walk toward basement stairs, Fluffy stops to vomit again, looks up questioningly at Bok who nods knowingly and gestures toward the top of his head.
- - - - - - -
Cocoa is back at his laptop. Computer voiceover reading anonymous email:
Cocoa, you do not know me, but you will know me soon enough, although you will wish it were sooner. The reasons will become clear later but, for now, let’s just leave things vague and impending.
You will be asked to create a rock opera called Salmon Boy. This is not merely a rock opera. Through this project, you will explore the struggle between chaotic human expressive experience on the one ear and commercially manufactured drivel on the other.
This is a very old battle with stakes much higher than you could possibly appreciate. It is not a battle between individuals, but it will be fought by individuals. In that respect, I guess it is a battle between individuals.
Anyway, you may not want to choose sides, but not by choosing, you will have made your choice. My only advice to you is this: Do not trust false prophets, and beware of the two of clubs.
Now go, exercise extreme caution, and could you also pick up some olives when you are at the store?
During the voiceover, Cocoa looks out the window to see the Clown Squad playing some sort of outdoor game, although neither the object nor the teams are apparent.
------------------------------------------------------
Cut to Sergeant Moonkey running through the woods holding his stick and chasing an unseen OneEar. Child Holding sheep is watching, puzzled.
----------------------------------------
Cut back to the basement nest which now includes various animals and is beginning to resemble a very messy and deranged nativity scene. Ono, Alceste, and Bok are present playing some sort of board game. Cocoa enters carrying grocery bags.
Alceste: I think Cocoa is trying to kill us all. Oh, hi Cocoa.
Bok: Hey Cocoa, remember that time we interviewed for a job in Spain and when you went to shake hands, all of the crumbled airplane crackers from your pocket flew all over the room and Elvira said, “Just go. I’ll clean it up. Just get out.”
Ono: That story is so funny.
Cocoa: Where’s the Wookie?
Ono: He fell outside again. I’ll go get him.
- - --
Ono walks out and sits down next to Fluffy, outside.
ONO: Fluffy, I don’t understand how you keep falling up here out of the basement.
FLUFFY: I don’t understand it either.
ONO: Why don’t you just obey the law of gravity?
FLUFFY: Gravity just keeps you down.
ONO: Fluffy, you're scaring me.
FLUFFY: They scare me too sometimes.
ONO: They?
FLUFFY: The short people.
ONO: Short people?
FLUFFY: The Abu Gogo.
ONO: You see little people, Fluffy?
FLUFFY: They want me to do things for them.
ONO: They talk to you?
Fluffy nods, "Yes."
ONO: They tell you to do things?
Fluffy nods "Yes" again. Ono becomes upset. He nods with grave understanding. Fluffy watches him.
FLUFFY: You think I'm a freak?
Ono’s eyes move to Fluffy.
ONO: Look at my face.
Fluffy gazes at his intense expression.
ONO: I would never think that about you ... ever... Got it?
FLUFFY: Got it.
Fluffy smiles. Ono glances down.
ONO: You are……. special.
FLUFFY: That’s what the little people say too.
Ono pauses, then helps Fluffy up.
FLUFFY: Have they contacted you? …… About the Salmon Boy?
Ono doesn’t answer while studying Fluffy’s face. Then he brushes grass out of Fluffy’s hair.
ONO: Let’s go inside and get some nourishment.
- - - - - - -
Inside, Cocoa is serving some sort of Polish pasta. His head is once again bandaged, and he is wearing only one shoe.
Cocoa: Remember in College when I used to get mad and drink alot. I used to think that we just needed an idea like the Ninja Turtles that we could turn into some sort of lucrative business.
From the video screen, on which Clown Squad footage is still playing, OneEar’s voice comes on.
OneEar: Cocoa, you are correct. That is what you need, what we all need. Rusty has requested that you create a commercially accessible rock opera that extols the virtue of money. As you all know, Rusty has anointed me as his one true voice, as his conduit to you. I will be in charge of this project. So, listen closely and do exactly as I say. Now, first, …
Cocoa turns off the television.
Cocoa: I am thinking we should call the project “Salmon Boy.” Who's with me?
Fluffy’s head jerks up and he looks at Ono whose eyes shift nervously.
Fluffy: Why salmon boy?
Cocoa: My brother bought a giant salmon boy yard sculpture and had it shipped back from Ireland. I also would like to include a giant feared but respected hairy creature called “Nookie” who is a leaker, if we can get around to it. We could also incorporate the Monkey Platoon.
Alceste’s head jerks up. He cautiously eats another Polish pasta while eyeing Cocoa with suspicion.
Bok: I have to go to the bathroom.
Bok leaves the room, but nobody seems to care. The remaining Clowns begin clearing a table to play spades.
Cocoa: If we time this right, we should also incorporate the intelligent design/evolution debate that is playing out in the Kansas science curriculum. Fluffy, weren’t you born in Kansas.
Fluffy: I was designed in Kansas.
Cocoa: Of course. We will need a theme song.
Fluffy: How about the AbuGogo Blues?
Ono’s head jerks up.
Al: Who has the two of Clubs?
Cocoa’s head jerks up with a shocked look on his face.
----------
CUT TO A CAVE
4 Abu Gogo have assembled around a Jugs magazine. They are mumbling and eating. Bok emerges out of the shadows, takes a quick look at the Jugs magazine, and then motions for the AbuGogo to gather around.
Bok: I will speak in English now, because native AbuGogoan is not an efficient language. You really should adopt an alphabet with more than 13 letters if you want my opinion. But, I digress. What was I saying, gago nuba gagogaga gagonuba gagagago, oh yes, the rock opera.
They are calling this commercially lucrative rock opera “Salmon Boy.”
Bok laughs diabolically.
---------------
Fluffy is lying outside, Cocoa is sitting next to him.
Fluffy: I read all about it. These little people were 3 feet tall.
Cocoa (sarcastically): Interesting, Fluffy.
Fluffy (as if in a trance): Little humanoids with bow legs, flat feet, nice teeth, and little tiny brains. The women had long breasts that they would flop over their shoulders. They used stone tools, fire and cooperative hunting techniques. It has been inferred that the little people used a rudimentary form of language.
Cocoa (sarcastically): Interesting, Fluffy.
Fluffy: Don’t you get it, they are still around!
Cocoa: What do you mean “still around?”
Fluffy: They come and talk to me.
Cocoa: W..What do they say?
Fluffy: gaga booboo or something like that.
Cocoa: What does it mean?
Fluffy: I don’t think it means anything. That’s the whole point.
Cocoa: I see.
Fluffy: I think Bok knows them. I found this in his duffel bag.
Fluffy holds up the two of clubs.
--------------
cut to backyard
Clown Squad is dressed as Monkey Platoon and is rehearsing the Salmon Boy Rock Opera
Monkey Platoon (dressed in soldier garb, in formation marching, and chanting with Private Parts trailing behind)
Sell sex sex sell
Sell sex sex sell
Sell sex sex sell
Sell sex sex sell
Sergeant Moonkey: “Monkey Platoon, tin hut!” (Monkey Platoon falls out of formation)
“Present Harm.” (Monkey Platoon begins harassing Private Parts.
As music starts, polka, they begin singing and skipping somewhat in formation:).
Monkey Platoon:
It’s a heirarchy,
A higher archy,
Anarchy that is higher,
Anarchy that’s inspired,
An archy sparky fire on the marquis,
Heirarchy – on the marquis.
- - (music breaks into slow gospel)
Private Parts:
And I the lowly private,
Only play the private parts.
My finest performance
Is only for myself.
And all the dough, and all the does
All the does go for
General Admission,
It makes me disgruntled,
It makes me disgruntled.
-------------------------------------- (sharp cut back to polka)
Monkey Platoon:
It’s a heirarchy,
A higher archy,
Anarchy that is higher,
Anarchy that’s inspired,
An archy sparky fire on the marquis,
Heirarchy – on the marquis.
Salute the higher archy,
Sell the higher archy,
Private Parts: The higher of the archy makes it
Lowly – for me.
I need a doe to ray me,
A toora loora lay me
Put some fire in my sparky
Put some bite upon my barky
Let’s forget the hierarchy
Put your marky on me.
Monkey Platoon: Sell sex sex sell
Sell sex sex sell
Sell sex sex sell
Sell sex sex sell
Sergeant Moonkey: “Monkey Platoon, Halt. Fall down!”
----------------------------------------
We’re the Monkey Platoon,
The Monkey Platoon,
We’ve got nothing better to do
Than to mock and ridicule you.
If you try to rise above,
Or even fall in love
We will mock and ridicule you
`Til your self esteem is crushed.
And if you do your own do-re-mi-me-me
Then your worst living nightmare will be we-wee-wee
If I’m acting like an ape,
And you catch it all on tape,
It is just guerrilla warfare,
Makes a monkey out of me.
We’re the Monkey Platoon,
You ugly baboon
We’re the Monkey Platoon
Coming to theaters near you soon
We’re the Monkey Platoon
The Monkey Platoon
We’ve got nothing better to do
Than to mock and ridicule you.
And to laugh at you!
--------------------------------------------------------
Private Parts (Speaking) – I wish I could just buy love!
Sergeant Grumpy takes Private Parts aside: (speaking) – Listen kid, let me tell you about a girl that I once knew – I really loved that dough -
(Vision of Isa, the goat-girl, dancing behind a cloud or curtain.)
Sergeant Grumpy:
Baby, your love can’t be bought,
My love doesn’t grow on trees.
Don’t you see that we belong together
We’ll be makin’ love, hand over fist
Let’s plug the slots if you’ll please
Say you’ll put your hand over mine forever.
I asked for your hand,
I reached for my coin
Shiny, round and hard to part.
Pulled it out of my pocket,
Warm from my loin,
Heads you’re mine, tails you’ve got my heart
A penny for your thoughts,
A penny for your hand,
If you ever doubt me look at the back,
You’ll know where I stand (understand).
A heart divided is a house that cannot stand,
It’s a penny for your thoughts
And a penny
For your hand.
You can take a penny if you leave a penny
It’s not funny money, honey
It’s for real
INSTRUMENTAL VERSE
Put your penny where your mouth is,
Put your penny on the line.
I don’t mean to be an imposition
A penny saved is a penny earned
A penny found is fine.
Won’t you say yes to my proposition.
A penny for your thoughts,
A penny for your hand,
If you ever doubt me look at the back,
You’ll know where I stand (understand).
A heart divided is a house that cannot stand,
It’s a penny for your thoughts
And a penny
For your hand.
A penny for your thoughts,
A penny for your hand,
If you ever doubt me look at the back,
You’ll know where I stand (understand).
A heart divided is a house that cannot stand,
It’s a penny for your thoughts
And a penny
For your hand.
Private Parts runs away, scared.
Lieutenant Sadisto takes him by the shoulder:
---------------------------------------------------
Lieutenant Sadisto – (Speaking) Listen Kid, don’t let them fool you. There are plenty of ways to buy love. Let me tell you about a girl that I once knew:
Lieutenant Sadisto:
She was hot, hot, hot like a tamale.
She had legs, legs,legs up to her buns.
She said sex, sex, sex if you’ll just call me.
So I let her have my credit card, she let me have my fun.
Oh be my 1-900 baby.
I’ll be your five dollar a minute man.
I’ll place a conference call to my friends one and all.
An orgy in your earhole, the receiver’s in my hand.
She was barely legal, raw and she wore plastic.
She had pierced her ears and nose and tongue and thighs.
She was writhing in a manner most gymnastic.
And I knew that she enjoyed it, when she sobbed between her sighs.
Oh be my 1-900 baby.
I’ll be your five dollar a minute man.
I’ll place a conference call to my friends one and all.
An orgy in your earhole, the receiver’s in my hand.
In some ways she reminds me of my sister.
In some ways she reminds me of my mom.
In some ways she reminds me of my myself, and you and
I think of her, out in the garden.
She was fourteen when she moved out of the palace.
She was daddy’s little girl just days before.
Now her fuzzy slippered feet have grown to callous.
And she lives to make a living, and that’s all she’s living for.
Oh be my 1-900 baby.
I’ll be your five dollar a minute man.
I’ll place a conference call to my friends one and all.
An orgy in your earhole, the receiver’s in my hand.
She was hot hot hot like a tamale.
She had legs, legs, legs up to her buns.
She said sex, sex, sex if you’ll just call me.
I let her have my Visa, she let me have her love.
Private Parts is shocked and horrified. He runs away and is about to hang himself from a tree when the clouds speak to him:
RUSTY (Speaking): Don’t sell sex. Sell religion.
Camera falls and crashes to ground
-------------------------------------------
Alceste is in bathroom viewing himself in the mirror putting on war paint to convert himself into Sergeant Moonkey.
Alceste/Sergeant Moonkey: The time has come.
Alceste drops his pants, takes a seat on the toilet and picks up a Jugs magazine.
Little boy carrying sheep walks by and looks in on Alceste.
Alceste: Occupado!
----------
Bok is searching frantically around the cave for the AbuGogo. They are nowhere to be seen. He finds an Abu Gogo Collector Oval, holds it up for all to see, and then kisses it warmly and puts it in his pocket
---------------------------
Cut to Basement nativity nest.
Fluffy, Ono and Cocoa are eating and drinking. Sparky is reading a book. All are visibly drunk and difficult to understand. They appear to be murmuring to one another.
Al/SM enters carrying his stick.
Bok enters opposite and grabs a drum and drumstick.
They begin to fight rhythmically. The other clowns grab instruments and join in the musical battle.
In a very short while, they are exhausted, and they all sit back down. Ono has packed up his guitar and is on his way out.
Ono: I’ll see you guys later, I have to catch a taxi to the bus station for a bus to the airport unless someone wants to drive me.
The Clowns pretend not to hear. Ono leaves.
Al/SM: You don’t get it. We must destroy this commercially lucrative rock opera. We cannot follow the way of the Other.
Bok: Wait a minute: I was trying to destroy the music too.
Al/SM: You mean..
Al/SM and Bok (together but off-key): We were working in harmony.. Then who are we fighting against?
OneEar’s voice is heard from the TV. Panorama of Clown Squad video with OneEar voice over:
OneEar: You have failed. You have betrayed me, you have betrayed yourselves, and you have betrayed Rusty. You have betrayed all that is organized and commercially lucrative.
I gave you an assignment and every advantage and you failed. You failed……, just as I knew that you would. And now, you will attempt to destroy me. But by attacking me, you will only make me stronger. For I shall be reborn – Rusty and I shall be one, and you will have learned …
The Clown Squad (minus Ono) grab their instruments and unleash a barrage of music that destroys the TV. They are visibly proud of themselves and continue playing vigorously.
Little boy holding lamb enters:
Little boy: Do you know any ………. songs?
Cut to: Time stops, the universe implodes into a singularity.
Santa Claus enters with a very long list surround by beautiful teenage (but over the age of consent) female angels.
SC points to the Clowns (minus Mark) -
SC - "Very, very naughty."
The angels begin performing a striptease. As the last pair of panties is removed and thrown, we follow the panties in closeup to the spot vacated by Ono.
CLOSEUP OF LAMB, SMILING
THE END
Hi mr. oneear,
I was on my way to the bookstore to look for something to read this weekend, and I stumbled upon this post. It should keep me occupied for hours! Are you by any chance related to Isaac Asimov? Just wondering……
No relation that I'm aware of. Is he the bartender from The Love Boat? Which reminds me, I forgot to include the zombie scene!
I award the coveted Pukelitzer Prize OneEar for the longest comment ever written into one of these itty-bitty windows.
Windy, aren't you.
"to". The Pukelizter Prize to.
I'm a srupid shithead sometimes.
I give up.
Don't give up now! You know the old saying, "When the groin gets tough, the tough get groin."
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