Sunday, December 31, 2006

Conspiracy?


So, am I the only one who has noticed a certain commonality among James Brown, Gerald Ford, and Saddam Hussein? Before you sleeping sheep answer 'yes, dumbass', think about it: Did you think about it? Ok, good.
Now, how about both OneEar and myself being coincidentally named Time Magazine's "Man (sheep, goat) of the Year, 2006"? Still believe in your convenient serendipity? Think about it.
Have you ever considered how inconvenient Al Gore is?
It just keeps piling up and up, people. Open your eyes, for goodness' sake!
Not convinced?
Well, try this one on for size:
Have any of you Einsteins ever picked up on anything funnily familiar between the Incredible Hulk and the Grinch? Well?!?

Hello? Hello? How about skin color, for starters? And perhaps, cranky disposition? Do you people think this stuff is all accidental? You really expect me to believe there is no connection between Dr. Seuss and Dr. David Banner's illicit experimentation with gamma-wave radiation? They have the same title, for God's sake!! Come on. Somebody help me out here. How about you, Man of the Year?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Monday, December 11, 2006

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Pineapple Abducted!


After having recently solved the space-time hoop question put to her by OneEar, Ms. Pineapple has been selected for higher orders of business by Earth's closest galactic neighbors who have been frustrated until now at the lack of substrate they have been observing in WalMart. It was the Cheerleader Advisor's lack of response to OneEar's inane proposition that first showed up on the observer's radar screen. Expecting a smart-alecky remark from someone with her particular background and social restraints, the Neighbors were intrigued by the silent contemplation. Following this, much to the Neighbor's delight, Pineapple posted a simple mathematical explanation as to why repetitive singularities are impossible within the same material subset (i.e., "our" universe). She also posted the axiom that singularities occur, repeat and are in constant flux, but not within the same dimensional realities. That also, incidentally, explains the single lost sock after the dryer has completed its cycle.
Following Pineapple's posting, the Neighbors deftly manipulated the space-time continuum such that the posting was erased three seconds before it was uploaded, took her out for dinner and drinks, then brought her back to their place where they made mad, passionate love. She earned it, for God's sake. They then eliminated all traces of her on the Internet, along with all of her clothes, and suspended her naked, in a post-orgasmic slumber, over the family farm of that good-looking kid in high-school who said "no" to her invitation to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Thursdays with Cocoa -- Christmas is Back


Good news! Wal Mart has announced that this year they will label 60% more of their merchandise "Christmas" rather than "Holiday." At least the religious conservatives can claim one victory—putting Christ back into our biggest commercial holiday.

The Unichurk needs to create some holidays. Perhaps this is the way we can get our message out to the kids This coupled with Miss Litzi's suggestion for free (or at least discounted) beer and free (or at least discounted) dope might just be enough to counter whatever Santa/Jesus can provide.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Never fear, Litzi



All is clear on the fireplace bricks. And the main reason OneEar breathes down my neck is because, when he is unfortunate enough to have me around, he is substantially taller than me. He can't help it. And don't listen to him about the link; Cocoa and I take exception.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Pucker up and pee


Miss Litzi, can you please offer an explanation for the panty-wadiosity of these Austrian "feminists" and help us to understand their need to poke their noses into the men's room to enlighten us all on how we should micturate in an acceptable fashion according to their universe?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

And as fast as that, it was over

Thursdays with Coco -- Magic Flags




Recently, I spent a few days at a resort, and interspersed among the beach chairs at this resort were several small flags. I discovered that if I raised one of these flags (using a rather simple pulley mechanism), a pretty girl would appear bearing a small tray and a pad of paper, and she would proceed to ask if there was anything I needed.

Just before my departure, I stopped in at the hotel gift shop to discover if they had any of these flags for sale – they replied, no.

Would anybody know where I might be able to obtain one of these magic flags?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Hollow Wiener


Best of luck to all of you in the candy-acquisition process; feel free to shamelessly use your offspring to attain your goals.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thursdays with Cocoa -- Lightning Strikes


I, of course, was struck by lightning once (more of a glancing blow really). Since then, I have discovered that I now have the ability to predict what song will play on the radio next. It doesn’t happen all the time – the weather needs to be just right – but a song (even songs I haven’t heard in years) will come into my head and then sure enough it will play on the radio within five minutes. I’m not sure if it is me communicating with the radio or the radio communicating with me. I treat it like a superpower, but I have yet to turn it into any sort of gain.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Mission FINALLY Accomplished--thanks to Sesame Street


In a much anticipated move, Sesame Street's Bert, of the famed duo "Ernie and Bert", revealed the accomplishment of an ongoing covert mission to assassinate Osama Bin Laden. Or is it 'Usama'? Bert, who has always been considered the more responsible, stern, serious-minded and perhaps downright mean of the two--the SuperEgo to Ernie's Id, if you will--held a press conference yesterday in Paris, France where he revealed the nature, duration and an overview of this mission accomplished.
When it became clear that the Administration wanted to capture and/or
assassinate Mr. Bin Laden, the Executive Producers of Sesame Street were
unable to ignore the similarities between the current Head of administration and
a certain orange-faced, silly laughing colleague of mine. They approached
me to play on my experiences with Ernie and take control of the situation.
Now, unlike on Sesame Street, where Ernie's shenanigans ultimately bring him out
on top at the end of the scenario and my being humiliated for being such a
tight-ass as a representation of the inherent value of youthful, innocent and
playful attitudes triumphing over the oppressive, regulated, adult world
a-la-the counter-culture movement of the Sixties, in this case, my cold-blooded
strict tendencies managed to win out as I jabbed my syringe full of Typhoid
innoculum into Mr. Bin Laden's right lung. Eat that, Ernie. Who's
the man now?
When asked how the Sesame Street team were able to locate Bin Laden and then further infiltrate his inner security circle, the pointed-headed assassin responded,
It was diabolically simple. It has been known for some time that
Mr. Bin Laden is a big fan of my colleague, Grover. We simply extended an
offer to meet, have dinner and view previously unreleased episodes of "Super
Grover saves Islamabad". What Mr. Bin Laden didn't realize, obviously, is
that some of the cast of Sesame Street such as myself and colleague Oscar the
Grouch, actually have quite unpleasant dispositions. Hey--I'm no Elmo, if
you know what I mean. That was the Bin Laden team's critical error.
The irony of it all was my ability, even after the Typhoid had been injected, to
get one of Bin Laden's henchmen to snap this picture of me in action.
Poetic is the only word that comes to mind. Thank you for your
attention.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Cocoa Reappears


From Sunday to Thursday I was in Miami acting as the "official drunk" at the annual computer conference that my job sends me to.

As I catch up on the Unichurk postings, I am struck by the uncanny relevance these postings have to the way the last four days played out.

First, there is OneEar's posting about how drinking makes you wealthier because it allows you to acquire more contacts and build social capital. My actions proved that nothing could be truer. The first morning, as I stumbled in to the first conference session, possibly in the clothes I slept in, and bleeding from wounds of unknown origin, I knew just what the other attendees were thinking. "Here comes a guy with whom I really want to do business!" ……and "What is it that I can do to make this guy wealthier?"

Then, there is Miss Litzi's theory that one advantage to being alone is that "...you can behave outrageously without fear of condemnation from your peers." My answer to this is that if you are in a large group and your peers are uttering condemnations (as in "Mr. Cocoa, please come down from there you are frightening the other attendees") but the condemnations are unable to be comprehended by the condemned, then do those condemnations really exist?

Finally there is the pleasant reappearance of Snotty, not only on these pages but in my life as well. Let me just say that the best two ways to impress an attractive 25-year-old female colleague during dinner are:
1) Regale her in an almost never-ending babbling stream of consciousness about how you still pine for the unrequited loves of your elementary school days, and
2) Just after dessert, place your white linen napkin over your hand and engage in an extended performance of puppetry not only for her delight but for all of the wait staff as well – Good ol' Snotty!

I'm not sure for how much longer I can get away with this.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Short People Not Necessarily Sub-Human!?



The latest evidence from Flores seems to indicate that the Abu Gogo, fossils of which were discovered in caves in 2004, were just short pygmys with correspondingly small brains and NOT hobbits who may have bred with goats and whose ancestors may have migrated to Poland, Ireland, or the United States. My apologies to Loud But Off Key for my earlier comments.

.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

War! Infitada! Declared on Churck



In a surprizing and as yet incomprehensible strategic move, fitness-celebrity John Basedow has declared that he is tired of repeating that he is, therefore, only interested in cosmetically significant fitness results.
Anyone can get in "good" cardiovascular shape and extend his functional
life-expectancy by 10 to 20 years, but hey, who's going to hang around for that
long to see results when you're trying to pick up barely-legal boys at
rest-stops? It's the pec-implants,
frosted-a-la-1970's-hairdo-that-my-mom-sported-with-much-greater-class-and-success,
purple wife-beaters and the triangle symbol that takes you places. And,
BTW, FITNESS MADE SIMPLE is declaring
"I-Dee-Claire-WAR-W-A-R" on the First Unichurck. I've had it with that
maimed sheep and all his ramblings. He's only got one ear, for Gosh's
sake. We're going to show him what a few thousand sit-ups per day
because I don't have a real job that would otherwise take up my waking
hours
can do. I and my army of
purple prancing Peter Pans will look one more time in the mirror--just for a
sec--and then teach him some lessons in the fine art of socially crippling but
financially lucrative narcisism--he REALLY could use a lesson in saturation
advertising. We're on every station on cable!! Heeheeheeeheeee!
Thilly Theep. I will frost his curly locks before the week is out.
It will be the mother of all frostings. And maybe a Brazilian wax, while
we're at it.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Underminers Society Missing!

The Underminers Society of America, motto - "Under All Lies Dirt," are missing, and investigators are very worried. Following the success of their Friendship Hankie project, the Underminers apparently acquired a shovel. Exactly what they intended to do with the digging implement is the subject of intense speculation. The secretive burrowing group began a series of closed session meetings to which access was very guarded, and experts have only been able to hypothesize about what they might have been up to.

However, a spokesman for the First Unichurck, the faith-based establishment where the Underminers had been holding their meetings, announced that the Churck computer browser history showed some unusual activity for which Churck members are unable to account.


OneEar, in prepared remarks on behalf of the First Unichurck, stated: "I think the idiots drowned."

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Cowardly Comment about the number Pi spurs premature concluding post from OneEar

Back off, sheepy! Just, back off!

And in the End, There Was Rusty

And so, this explains where Rusty came from, how his disciples found him, and how OneEar became "Number One."

Hopefully, this makes the whole thing clearer and will save your soul from the Rupture and will inspire you to do good works.

In the name of Rusty.

Ahem.

Monday, August 28, 2006

For Shame, Milwaukee, For Shame Wisconsin



Evidently, drinking at least two drinks per month puts Milwaukee at the head of the pack Nationwide for 'drunkest city in the country'. Victory by default is never pretty; what kind of losers were competing in this contest, anyway? Where the Hell was Madison during all of this? Or Verona for that matter? I think the Churck should demand some answers, or at least further research.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Nagin calls for Chocolate from the Fed


In an unprecedented and unorthodox move on Friday in Indianapolis, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, who has often been accused of wearing a skull prosthesis for effect (people with large, mushroom-shaped bald heads evidently seem smarter than their non-mushroomed counterparts), made a plea to the Federal Government to speed the relief to the Katrina-torn city. What made the request atypical was it's gustatory if not frankly culinary nature: Nagin insisted that he hated the oranges from "Orange County" California because they are too vanilla for him (does he also hate something everyone loves--Creamsicles? We can only speculate), and then proceeded to go right off the deep end by insisting that all future relief dollars be actual chocolate, to fit in with his previous "Chocolate New Orleans" political strategy. As the masturbating metaphor-junkies in the audience really started to spin, Nagin shocked the crowd by responding to a question,


"No, I'm talking about ACTUAL chocolate federal dollars. You know, like the
kind you used to get in your Christmas stocking as a kid. Or if you're Jewish,
given to you by your parents on Channauka as a sort ofpre-conditioning--HA!
That's pretty funny, aint' it? I love the Jews. Come in a little mesh bag. Gold
foil wrappers. Indistinguishable from legal tender until you pop 'em in your
mouth. You all know what I mean.
The larger plan is to create an entire
(Nagin slowed his speech at this point for dramatic effect) CONFECTIONERY
economy, if I may. The long-range plan that I and my advisors have come up with
is to take those chocolate federal dollars (another dramatic pause), and place
them...in the chocolate bank we're presently constructing next to Cafe Du Monde
in the French Quarter--though I may be prone to a few, how should I say,
'personal' deposits into my mouth, if you know what I'm saying-- and
then...simply live off the interest. We could even replace paper money with
beignets if things work out. Maybe a little messy with all that powder, but
worth exploring. It's a well-organized, comprehensive plan, and there's no
Vanilla, if you know what I'm saying."


When asked for comment, OneEar was noted to remark something non-sequitur and essentially unintelligible. But, he stated, University of Wisconsin, Madison,has dropped from number 1 (Number 1? Number 1?) to number 5 in the BigList.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Rhinorevival

I've got it! We'll recreate the now extinct black rhino.

The way I understand Darwinism, somebody needs to f^ck white rhinos and then kill the offspring until a black rhino appears. This is called natural preservation.

Then, somebody needs to f^ck that black rhino and give it all kinds of treats. This is called natural selection. It is how you origin a species.

Get to work, rhino-f^ckers!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Following May be a clue to the Mystery:

These strange entries were captured on police radio scanners:

Alceste:
And...there is no more smoking in bars. You need to file a suit on
conventioneers behalf. We just passed that law in BR as well. tsk
tsk. I am free as the wind, just trying to clean up the shit in my
bathroom before the maid is stuck with it. Call me when you are
available.

OneNoteSolo:
You clean up for the maid but not CocoaNoGoGo? The trail of shit stains you
left at his house was epic.... Be careful and do not tape dollar bills to your
fur as a trusting wookieI know once did....

Alceste:
The sad thing is that I did clean up in Chicago--it is just that the job
was so immense. On a similar note,I shit myself last week on I55 in
Mississippi. I was between exits, and the guts were rumbling. I
squeezed and squeezed, and, luckily, made it to an exit. There was an
Exxon a mile down the road, but it was boarded shut. I began to panic, and
tried to go down the other way---bad mistake. My bowels exploded and the
runny brown liquid oozed out everywhere, soiling the seat of kristin's new
Altima with a brown paste. I drove to the back of a church and found an
fence-enclosed air conditioning area. The fence was short, but I had no
choice. I stripped down and attempted to clean myself with a new pack of
Hanes undershirts. It was simply too much poo. Then, a pickup truck
pulled into the lot, but it went to the front of the building. I put on
some other shorts, but the brown evil paste was still everywhere. I put
down one ofHunter's blankets over the shit in the car, and I made it to Taco
Bell and cleaned up in the bathroom, then returned to the church to retrieve my
shit coated clothing. I couldn't leave that for the ac repairman to
discover. I found a convenience store and bought a roll of paper towels
and some Orange Clean. It worked like a charm. Later that evening, I
rinsed the crap-laden clothing out in the hotel tub, but the drain was slow, and
I couldn't get things to flow south. I checked out in the morning, leaving
the stained undershirts in the trash of the hotel room. I felt bad for the
lady who would have to clean the shit up, and feel bad for this lady as well
here in Madison. However, I suppose that is the cost of doing business with a
pig like myself.

Alceste:
Everyone--in an unbelievable sequence of actions, I blasted mud in
the shower this morning, coating the walls and clogging, once again, the
drain. I have been traveling for two weeks, and the food is killing
me.


Now, what could have happened on that famed evening of Wookies and Grizzly bears sleeping in the poopy hotel? Which of the large, furry creatures crapped the floor in this scatological mystery? And left their respective paw prints in the doo? The fact that both had traipsed through the evidence, casually unaware, makes the mystery even more difficult to solve. And, to add insult to injury, Grizzly blames Wookie, and Wookie diplomatically states he can't imagine who could have broken into the room just to do that, force them both to stride through the mess, break the mirror, and steal the towels.

The image of a Grizzly squatting down behind an air-conditioning fence trying to clean liquid turd off his fur is suspicious, thought-provoking, nauseating, yet somehow hysterical. Who can crack the code? This case is sure to go cold.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Underminers Present First Annual BBQ

The Underminers Society of America is holding its First Annual "What Are You Eating Under There?" Holiday Barbecue today. Members of the secretive society spent the last few days making final preparations including digging potti-pits and filling their recently completed moat with charcoal briquets.

The "ring of fire," as they call it, is now ready for some serious cooking. Bring what you will, throw it in the ring and watch it "burn, burn, burn."

For an entrance fee of only $20, participants can also participate in the many fun and educational activities. Experience 19th century coal miner land, 20th century coal miner land, and 21st century coal miner land, all in the same shaft. Learn why the free press must be silenced if totalitarianism is to have any hopes of success. Dig a hole and then fill it up. It is a fun filled extravaganza for the "whole" family!!!!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Thuperman

Hope this complies with the gasbag, or whatever it's called, movie review regulations.

There were some real 2006 themes to this latest iteration of the classic WWII anti-Nazi (sorry Ono) DC Comics hero. Openly "happy" director Bryan Singer (X-Men) has put together a good, though long, long, long ("happy" people like it long, or so I'm told) movie with some intriguing subplots. Let's get right to it:

1. Superman is gay. Between Lex Luthor "stabbing him in the back" with his "blade of Kryptonite" and his completely gauche fashion sense, the viewer is constantly nudged toward this conclusion. The viewer is also asked to see Superman as a representative of the superbeing hidden away in the souls of all closeted homosexuals. 'If only he could be set free! Where is that closet key?' Feces. But there's one little problem with this conclusion. One little five-year-old problem, which leads us to subplot #2

2. Superman has a kid. Well, that certainly calls into question the conclusion of #1, but, everyone makes mistakes, right? If you drink too much tequila in Tijuana, you might get drunk enough to pork a donkey, right? I'm sure he didn't enjoy that slut, Lois Lane. Just because you lay on your back and open your legs doesn't make you attractive, does it? Maybe she left her shirt on and lay on her stomach. We may never know.
The trouble is, the kid is a snot-nosed, spastic asthmatic with every allergy known to man, a-la-daycare poster-child for 2006. Superman was raised on a farm and milked cows (cows, not brokeback cowboys) and his kid is a cellphone-toting, Gucci backpack-wearing helpless little twerp, which is mere subterfuge to get the viewer to logically conclude that the boy is the son of the wiener-faced boss's son. (This guy also played the wiener-faced cuckold in our "happy" director's other superhero movie, X-Men--do you think his Happiness is subtley mocking the futility of the traditional familial male role in society? Talk about type-casting for wiener-face--two superhero movies with the same director in the same season, and he's getting screwed over by his woman in both movies. Wow. Sorry Ono, but he DOES look a LOT like you.) Which brings us to the third, and final for now (wheeew!) subplot,

3. The Man of Steel is an evolutionary parasite, rather than the openly symbolic Christ-figure (His father gave his only son to save humanity, etc., blah-blah, you got it in the first few movies). Please refer to #2: Thuperman goes straight for a night, supersperm knock-up that drunken floozy reporter-lady, but he's just playing! Even when he finds out that the kid's his--the child's first super-act is to kill a man with a piano (nice fathering, Superfag)--he basically tells Lois, in his Peter-Pannist tone and tights,
'Good luck! Heeheee! Let wiener-face raise him and be his "dad". Heehee!'
I mean, I hate wiener-face as much as the next guy, but he doesn't deserve to have his DNA propagation ripped off by a sneaky, shitty slight-of-hand (voice of Lois Lane, harlot extraordinaire, 'Oh, of course he's your son, Richard. Did I ever love Superman? Everyone loved Superman. Especially during his Saturday night super orgies. Except me. I never did.' Sheeah. Right. Ho.) Wiener-face will never get another role in Hollywood; he'll always play the victim of Luke Longdick.

So, in summary, a very "modern" version of a WWII classic. Well-done, and the homosexual undercurrents certainly make it thought-provoking. Worth the ten bucks.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Underminers Digging Selves Into Whole Lot of Trouble

The Underminers' Society is really starting to get on the nerves of God. First, they tracked mud all over the vestibule after having been asked nicely (and then warned). Then, there were three Basic Freedoms missing after last week's meeting. I didn't want to say anything about it out of fear of being rude, but they didn't walk off by themselves, now did they?

The straw that sucked the camel's wack was when they dug a trench around the FU sunken garden. Practice? Why do you need to practice digging a trench?

We are trying to be hospitable, and we can certainly use the income to pay off some of our debt. But let's be reasonable about this. You are making a mess out of our sacred sacrament.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Let's get back to Marxism for a moment


(with all due respect to that clickety-clackety trooper, Mila)


WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

Sen. Boxer pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory
interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or
"Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each
and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some
sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Dead Dog May Still Be Barking

My 12-month-old son said his first word the other day. "Mila" he uttered unmistakably. The only issue is that Mila was the name of our dog who we had just "put to sleep" earlier that day.

Is it possible that Mila is trying to speak to us from beyond? Has our son now become possessed with the spirit of our dead dog?

If anyone out there has had any experience with such a situation, please tell me what to expect next and please indicate if there are any special signs for which I should be watching.

Also, OneEar you may want to dust off the Unichurk exorcism rites.

Thanks.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Underminers Society Sewing Its Oaths


Members of the Underminers Society, the secretive burrowing group that now meets at the FU Annex on Saturday evenings, began a Friendship Hankie fundraiser project last week. Throughout history, folk-artistic social groups have sewn individual cloth squares which are later joined to form a large group quilt called a "friendship blanket."

Inspired by this concept, the Underminers launched their Friendship Hankie project. The hankie was originally chosen over the blanket as the medium of expression because it is smaller and much easier to carry in a pocket. However, the cloth hankie was seen as irrelevant in today's disposable society.

For that reason, and because they are more adept at tunneling than at sewing, the Underminers quickly adapted their project to modern technology. Underminers Friendship Hankies are modern, 3-ply white tissue papers upon which very personalized messages have been written in permanent ink.

Many Underminers use their "Snotsheets" as they call them, to describe their innermost thoughts on topics ranging from their own shortcomings to the shortcomings of their parents and even society at large. It is hoped that these will be hot sellers, and the proceeds will be applied toward the purchase of a shovel.

-----------------
EDITORIAL: We, at the First Unichurck, wish the Underminers the best in this endeavor. We know that some FU members also belong to the Underminers, and, based upon what we know about them so far, we acknowledge your right to belong to both groups. It is not clear to us why the Underminers have their bizarre initiation rite during which they take a hideous blood oath to a pagan deity, but, other than that, they seem pretty innocuous, ableit a bit dusty.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Becoming a Marxist; Pointers sought


Discontent for my job has developed into disdain for work in general. As a result, I have thought about becoming a Marxist.

Would anyone out there be able to point me in the right direction toward achieving this? Is there a home-study course?

Is there a health plan for Marxists?

Thanks in advance for the help.

Your pal,
CNG

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Underminers Society Now Meets at FU



Let's give a big FU welcome to the Underminers Society of America. The USofA, like the Masons or the Elks, is a fraternal organization (which now recognizes women).

The Underminers were founded in 1925 when renowned burrower Cecil “Digger” Digston invited two business associates to dig underground tunnels from their businesses to his system of shafts which thereby created history’s first recorded “networking opportunity.”

From those humble beginnings, the Underminers eventually grew into a multi-state society. The group continues to promote tunneling and other types of burrowing but has also expanded into crawl spaces, pits, and even the occasional cellar.

Meetings of the Underminers will be held regularly each Saturday at the FU annex. Hardhats are recommended as are lights and string.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sports Enthusiast Shocked to Learn that North Carolina Even Had Hockey Team

I am one of those guys who knows a little bit about everything. Like a freshly fertilized field of dreams, I am a mile wide and an inch deep. In some places, I am even shallower.

So I was shocked to learn, while watching Sportscenter last night, that the North Carolina something-or-others defeated the Edmonton Oilers to win the NHL Stanley Cup last night. Shocked that a Canadian team is in the "National" Hockey League? No, I forgave that discordance at the skates of Wayne "The Great One" Gretzky.

Shocked that they are playing hockey in June? Well, yes, that is weird.

But the really stupefying surprise is that there is a hockey team in North Carolina!?! When in the froach did that happen? They showed several minutes of guys skating around holding up the big Stanley Cup cup. I will say one thing for the iNHL, they do have a cool trophy.

Anyway, my latest research project is to try to figure out the team name for this mysterious bunch. They wear red shirts with a giant swirl on the front. Swirlies? That seems like a strange name for a hockey team. But then again, who plays hockey in North Carolina in June?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Look--how about some practical reviews?

Alright, these "gasbag" reviews of "books" are nice and everything, but who really needs practical advice about whether or not to read a book? I think we all know the answer to that question.

So, why not have a review of some recent movies? That way, you may save some money waiting for the DVD release.

Let's start with X-Men III, The Last Stand. Huge potential, miserable disappointment. The first two really were comic booky, this one is as gay as pink on parade. Save your money. The only potential saving grace was Dr. Jean Grey, who is exceptionally hot, but she seemed to have some sort of skin and eye problem in this episode.

Let's move next to, and wrap up with, Thank you for smoking . Worth the ten bucks just to see Tom Cruiseseses' wife faking sex with a non-Christian scientist. Great dark humor.

Next time: Girls Gone Wild, Co-ed Try-outs.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Chicago to Phoenix: Wookie Central



As I try and try to wash off the smell, and wait patiently for the river of mud a-la the Chocolate Thunder Review to stop flowing from my body, I keep remembering my flight away from Rusty 2006. The inflight movie was "King Kong", which I found to be not quite as bad as everyone had told me. The four-inch screen 16 feet in front of me may have buffered the experience. The perpetual shaking of alcohol withdrawal and my own smell made it difficult to sleep, so I chose to give "Kong" a try. How bad could it be?

Though you may be expecting a review of the movie, all I could think of as I watched was our own OneEar, crippled and gimpy this year, vomiting at the slightest provocation. As I watched Kong fight off three nippy T-Rexes, Rexi, Rexae?, I imagined our Wookie trying to give directions on his way to his car. When Kong was getting splashed with chloroform, I saw OneEar administering his own anesthetic and then, after only just a little bit, turning into a furry vomit fountain on a sidewalk in a bad neighborhood.

Kong's captivity on the stage on Broadway was an eerie parallel to this year's subdued Wookie, and his swatting at the planes on top of the Empire State Building really did remind me of the poor Wookie fending off continuously annoying questions from Clowns flying at him with

"How's your stomach, Wookie?"
"How's your back, Wookie?"
"Take some medicine, Wookie?"
"Why're you walking so funny, Wookie?"
"I wonder why you can't carry your own equipment this year, Wookie. UGH!! Ok, now I get it"
"Sure are barfing a lot, Wookie."

Poor Kong. Poor Wookie. Our hero is fallen; or at least temporarily damaged.

Go back to the doctor, OneEar. You're not better yet. No one will compare you to Ben Aflac running to the Emergency Room for a headache yesterday and then leaking the life-and-death drama to the media.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Even hobbits can perform reconstruction


There. I hope you are all happy. Rusty did work for a while as a nude model

Friday, May 19, 2006

Links working. Sorry.

A Reflective Moment
As the Fervor of Rusty winds up, I think we should all take a moment to acknowlege both Chewy's AND Bigfoot's birthday today. Now, as you are all aware, the actor who played Bigfoot on the Six Million Dollar Man, later went on to become the WWF legend Andre the Giant, and even later, went on to die of heart problems most giants typically have. While it is probably, therefore, a little late to acknowlege Bigfoot's birthday, we can certainly still congratulate Peter Mayhew with a happy birthday and also acknowlege that he is a full 5 inches taller than Andre the Giant/Bigfoot is/was. Having said this, even I am now taller than Andre the Giant. I can't wait for Rusty.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Rusty Never Sleeps - Official Site of the First UniChurcK

Rusty Never Sleeps - Official Site of the First UniChurcK
OneEar, I think your congregational members are with your battered Wookie head in spirit, and, unfortunately for you, in person shortly. But you have long known that we were coming. To quote a wise sausage-maker, who would attack a Wookie? Who among you, in the Blogosphere? (I am secretly hoping your attackers will inadvertently tip their hands in a response comment. That way, if the soapy-grave trick doesn't work, we can use the internet to snatch them up! Sorry for the snatch reference; I promised I wouldn't do that...)
Just so this post is not a total wash, I refer the gentle reader to my little brother's Blog, which details a major victory for bloggers everywhere. http://www.mainewebreport.com/
We are all hoping for a speedy recovery of OneEar's headache.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Rusty says, Eating Gelatin is OK!

Kay said,
"gelatin is not kosher in case you were concerned"

Dear Kay,

These arbitrary dietary rules and restrictions are just another reason to leave you Old World Religion behind and join up with Rusty's First UnichurK. Rusty not only permits the consumption of gelatin, but he encourages it. In fact, Rusty Enterprises in one of the world's leading suppliers of gelatin and gelatin-like products.

What makes Rusty's gelatin so special? Well, as you may or may not be aware, gelatin is made from "cowlagen"…and Rusty Enterprise uses only the purest source of cowlagen –COWS! To find out more about how we process our cows in our state-of-the-art rendering facility located in beautiful Charlestown, MA, and to discover why Rusty Enterprises has earned the title "the Gentle Renderer," click here.

Many companies may say that their most valuable asset is their employees but at Rusty Enterprises we know it's true…especially since our entire staff consists of Abu Gogo workers who are prized for their small features and keen sense of smell, and who are also easily tricked into contracts of long servitude. The Abu Gogo oversee the processes that transforms various cow elements into assorted Rusty gelatin and gelatin-like products and you can learn more about that here.

So, Kay, when it comes to gelatin we encourage you to gather as much information as possible and then come out to one of Rusty's First UnichurK ceremonies where you can sample a Gummy Lamb. We promise you won't burn in Hell and the first one is free.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

der Rustige?

I fear that I have intimidated the skittish participants and silenced the clownchatter through my public postings of their innermost correspondence. My apologies.

Friday, January 06, 2006

First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples

The schism in the church has been resolved. It has been revealed that God really did create "day" before creating "the sun," but it was a dark day. So, we were both right. Only WE were a little more right.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Buzz Bessette Fan Club - A Lounge Lizard's Lizard


Buzz Bessette was born in El Paso, Texas. His father, an organist and trombone player in the Continental Army Band, and his mother, an organist and drummer, imbued him with the love of music early on.

Buzz began his professional music career after high school when he performed with such acts as George and the Diminished 5th, Dawn of Atlantis show band and the 50's rockers, The Stingrays. Diversifying his style, he performed with the East Coast Express Jazz Band in the legendary Orion's Roof Club in Virginia Beach. Later he began studying classical piano with Ila Bovee.

He was held in captivity as a "lounge lizard" for over 16 years. Call Guinness! He performed over 4500 shows at one venue! Buzz began performing for the Showcase in the 2004 summer show, "wowing" us with his phenomenal keyboard and vocal skills.


http://www.outerbanksmusicshowcase.com/cast.htm



http://www.crowdband.net/BuzzBio.html

1 Man Band/ Keyboardist Buzz Bessette
Physical Address:1000 Colington Road Kill Devil Hills, NC 27948
Mailing Address:PO Box 6 Kill Devil Hills, NC 27948

Do NOT Join The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God

"The one true church" is The New Unification Church of Oneear's Gloriful Occity of God's Oneness (NUCO-GOGO) Do NOT be fooled into joining the New Unification Church of Oneear's Good and Holy Disciples of God (NUCO-GAHDOG). They are a bunch of phonies and heathens!

The one true church, NUCO-GOGO, holds to the core truths and does not get sidetracked in superstition and personal vendetta. Witness: There is one eternal God, a bearded carpenter, who had 3 distinct simultaneous identities: A father, a son and a ghost.

Witness: it was said that the son's mother never had sex with his dad leaving the only remaining possibility that the baby was conceived of God's sperm. And so, we drink his blood and eat his flesh and other essentials that are clarified in the Scriptures.

If the "church" you attend does not hold to these essential beliefs, you are in a cult! There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. No matter what name they use, they are not a church! This is not my opinion; it is a fact clearly explained by the writings of some of the carpenter's friends.

I wouldn't trust The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God as far as I could throw them. Booo to NUCO-GAHDAG!!!!!!! They are impostors.

Please, save yourself the inconvenience of damnation for all eternity - join the one true church (NUCO-GOGO not NUCO-GAHDAG).