Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Chicago to Phoenix: Wookie Central

As I try and try to wash off the smell, and wait patiently for the river of mud a-la the Chocolate Thunder Review to stop flowing from my body, I keep remembering my flight away from Rusty 2006. The inflight movie was "King Kong", which I found to be not quite as bad as everyone had told me. The four-inch screen 16 feet in front of me may have buffered the experience. The perpetual shaking of alcohol withdrawal and my own smell made it difficult to sleep, so I chose to give "Kong" a try. How bad could it be?

Though you may be expecting a review of the movie, all I could think of as I watched was our own OneEar, crippled and gimpy this year, vomiting at the slightest provocation. As I watched Kong fight off three nippy T-Rexes, Rexi, Rexae?, I imagined our Wookie trying to give directions on his way to his car. When Kong was getting splashed with chloroform, I saw OneEar administering his own anesthetic and then, after only just a little bit, turning into a furry vomit fountain on a sidewalk in a bad neighborhood.

Kong's captivity on the stage on Broadway was an eerie parallel to this year's subdued Wookie, and his swatting at the planes on top of the Empire State Building really did remind me of the poor Wookie fending off continuously annoying questions from Clowns flying at him with

"How's your stomach, Wookie?"
"How's your back, Wookie?"
"Take some medicine, Wookie?"
"Why're you walking so funny, Wookie?"
"I wonder why you can't carry your own equipment this year, Wookie. UGH!! Ok, now I get it"
"Sure are barfing a lot, Wookie."

Poor Kong. Poor Wookie. Our hero is fallen; or at least temporarily damaged.

Go back to the doctor, OneEar. You're not better yet. No one will compare you to Ben Aflac running to the Emergency Room for a headache yesterday and then leaking the life-and-death drama to the media.


Charlie said...

LBOK: Dr. Mom, or in this case a bunch of clowns, always knows best.

OneEar said...

LBok - Thank you for your kind-hearted pity, but my back feels much better. I think the muscle spasming during the dry heaves helped to massage out the kinks from the inside out.

I do appreciate the sound medical advice. "You should go to the drugstore and get some stuff," said the good Doctor, "and take twice the recommended dosage." And all without consulting a single medical reference book.

Poopsie - I'm not sure that we did justice to your song.

Coco- thanks for being such a wonderful host. You are especially wonderful at driving us all around. Sorry about the smell.

Charlie said...

You know, One, I know something about medicine because I do my own doctorin' to save a couple bucks.

I have a great cure for muscle spasms. Get a crayon and write this crap down.


1 tube Vagisil, any size
6 drops of WD-40
1 tablespoon fresh cat urine (you will have to hold the cat over the spoon and squeeze, which takes some amount of skill and dexterity.)


Combine ingredients in a salad bowl. Stir, but do not shake. Pour combined goo into a rocks glass, but no rocks or ice cubes are allowed. Apply liberally by hand to the afflicted area. Repeat as necessary.

I can't guarantee anything, but you should feel a little better in anywhere from four to six months.

That's okay about the song—I wasn't really expecting much to begin with (end of sentence preposition).