The forthcoming end of the World, colloquially known as "The Rupture" will need to be postponed while we complete ongoing membership enhancement efforts. The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has begun its Spring membership drive, and members are encouraged to bring a guest and a dish to pass.
All expendable prayer requests should be used for our efforts to convince the Lord to postpone The Rupture. Prayers for otherwise worthwhile causes, such as racial harmony, world peace, or particular sporting teams, should be deferred for the time-being in favor of pleas for Rupture postponement. We really need much more time for proselytizing and book sales. Try not to get corn-holed into requesting a particular date. Just say, “we humbly ask Thee, in all Thy graciousness and occity, for an extension.” Remember, the first person to state a number loses the negotiation. If you find yourself in a bind, just say, “I’ll get back to you.”
Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books.
FOR THOSE WITH GAME FARM RESERVATIONS - Please see Rupture Rebate Policy
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
11 comments:
/bark bark bark
amusing profile braaa-a-a-a-a!
i smite the rupture and offeth a tribute for this merriment in the form of yur ear recovered from the infill dump in my yard. I look forward to getting aquainted with your throat.
/grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
/bark bark bark
er, "offereth".
/grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Sir: I am extremely distressed by your statement, "Try not to get corn-holed into requesting a particular date."
I am not a wanton sissy who allows just ANY date to corn-hole me without knowing his particulars.
P.S. Can I still join?
I believe that we are long overdue for beliefs that all believers can believably believe.
But that's just my opinion.
Now I know what they mean by the term "doggy style."
The unbelievable thing about believers is that they believe, believability aside.
heeeeeeeeeloooooooooo
freakboy.
do you publish porn?
No, we reference pornography only enough to ensure visits to our site by the needy. Then, we convert them.
this blog is difficult to follow. do you have an introductory version?
/bark bark bark
a sheep man oughta know
what doggie style is bro
/grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I have discovered from K9's profile that he has a "Devastating Stare"....and I have learned recently that one of competitive events in the Rupture will be a big staring contest ...
"...battle of Armageddon when the armies of Antichrist and the armies of Heaven led by Christ Himself will stare one another down, leading to the defeat of evil and the establishment of Christ's kingdom on the earth..."
see http://www.rapturealert.com/2006/020706cartoonchaos.html paragraph 8
...so we may want to consider giving K9 and his stare a slight discount on membership fees (pending Mookie's approval of the dish he brings to pass).
This leads me to a further point. Why are we running from this fight? Nothing good comes of those who wait. Let's assemble our team and see where this leads.
If prospective disciples could indicate any special Rupture competition skills they possess, this may speed up the membership paperwork. (Also, please indicate planned dish for passing)
Yes, exactly as it was foretold.
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