Catcher in the Wry

Prosecutor kills himself and NBC gets sued.

REPUBLISHED FROM 6/2/06
My plan is to create an elaborate trap designed to catch Stoned Phillips or some other TV investigative journalist by posing as a sexual predatee.

You may have witnessed one of the hundreds of special reports whereby a network talking head teams up with a crack team of young, sexually questionable kids to pretend to be even younger, sexually precocious kids on MySpace. Once the crack team encounters a sick f^ck intent upon preying on a youngster, the crack team lures the sick f^ck to a house filled with hidden cameras. After the sick f^ck enters (and occassionally drops his pants), the talking head emerges and berates the sick f^ck for being a sick f^ck.

Now I agree that this makes for great entertainment. What sort of perverted moron wouldn't want to watch a perverted moron questioning a perverted moron? Plus, pedophiles rank below Nazis and attorneys on the scale of public sentiment, so it is very gratifying to watch them squirm.

I am just afraid that, eventually, the public may tire of these shows. Thinking ahead, after this trend has run its course, (but before the pay-per-view telecasts of public executions), I foresee a time when we will be at a loss for good, quality television. And so, back to my concept.

I will get a child to pose to be a pedophile posing to be a child on MySpace. Once the crack team sets to work, Stoned will lure the "pedophile" back to his photo-lair. When the child drives up in his miniature car, he will park far away so that, without perspective, Stoned won't realize the dimunitive size of his prey.

The child will walk toward the house on stilts smoking a cigarette and complaining about his bunions. He will shake his fist in rage at the sky and mumble something about Part D and "the way things used to be." Then, he will sit down and feed the pigeons (or squirrels).

Once he runs out of pigeon (or squirrel) food, his head will droop forward as he drifts off to nap. Eventually, he will awaken, pull some crumpled papers out of his pocket, read through a few, and then look abruptly toward the house as though he has just remembered the purpose of his visit. Rising again atop his stilts, he will resume his amble toward the house.

Meanwhile, inside, Stoned will have worked himself into a journalistic froth. Like a stallion at the dog track, Stoned will be pacing, snorting and fuming and barely able to bridle his impulse for unrestrained journalism.

Once the child arrives at the door, the child will refuse to open it until the child tells the child what the child will do to the child. Once the child tells the child what the child will do to the child, the child will pull from his trenchcoat a shotgun and shoot the child through the door. Don't worry, the child can't be prosecuted because the child is a minor.

Disassembly Required

As I was disassembling something yesterday, I had to reflect upon the fact that "disassembly" is such a wonderful concept. "Assembly" implies hours of tedium with a screwdriver, an adjustable wrench, and 23 pages of instructions written in 45 different languages. But "disassembly" is something one can do with a sledgehammer. It is simple but terribly gratifying.


So I was disassembling a chest of drawers from our basement with my sledgehammer out in the yard. I then burned the disassembled components in an old steel barrel. I live in an area where there is extremely lax enforcement of any ordinances which might exist. Nobody really seems to know or care whether I am even supposed to have a burning barrel.

When I first moved in, I was going to burn a large pile of brush I accumulated from trimming all of the hedges. I asked one of my neighbors, the guy who lives next to my pet cemetary, "what is the protocol for obtaining a burning permit?" I could tell by his perplexed look that he hadn't understood my question, so I rephrased, "I'd like to burn this pile of brush, whom should I call?" Again, confusion. I pointed to the brush, "I'm going to light this on fire." Finally he said, "Oh, do you need some matches?"


Since that time, I've adopted the local customs and I burn whatever I want whenever I want. So, I was out in the backyard burning the disassembled pieces from a chest of drawers. The fire was just roaring when, all of a sudden, something shot out of the barrel skyward into a tree 30 feet away. Then, it happened again?! After ducking for cover, I emerged to try to figure out what I was launching all over the neighborhood. There were pieces of metal, formerly hinges and such, that had somehow reformulated themselves as flying projectiles. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I did have to pause to consider, "Wouldn't I feel like an idiot if one of those had hit me or someone else?" There ought to be a law.





Incidentally, the ife-way has esumed-ray eading-ray the ustyblog-ray. Ixnay on the aphne-day.

Jose Can You See

Now they've really gotten my dandruff up! These furriners are going around singing our national anthem, and they're singing it Spanish! If that's not a good enough reason to pull our old pointy hats and robes out of their commemorative trophy cases, then I'm afraid that I just don't I don't know what is. My people have lived here for a long time, and this means that I am right.

How dare those furriners honor this country! If they can't sing my praises in English, then they shouldn't praise me at all. Our national anthem is a remarkable tribute to the moon landing, and the rockets red glare wasn't accomplished by a bunch of furriners (other than a few Germans, but they don't count). The last thing we need is a bunch of non-englishers mucking up our educational system.

When Columbus discovered America, he planted the stars and stripes and declared English our official language. It has been that way ever since, so get over it. Nobody wants to hear you mariaching all over the place in your gobblety gook about this great land. "Jose can you see?" Stop singing about the Estar Espangled Bannero! Why don't you just swim back to Spain and make some tacos.

Inventions needed

I have decided to resume my practice as an inventor. All I need is one or two good ideas.

Does anyone have any good ideas for things that need to be invented?