What Do You Propose?

#1 - Legalize it.
#2 - End the Fed. This cancer has turned malignant.
#3 - Downsize defense. Every foreign crisis which causes US investor loss does not implicate the "common defense."
#3 - Outlaw public unions. They are oxymoronic.
#4 -Flat tax (or possibly Fair tax).
#5 -Make Dept of Ed simply a funding mechanism that enforces simple workable criteria - eg. Year around school, 8 hour school day including rec/sports and extracurriculars, 80% graduation rate = $5k/student.
#6 - Phase out all Ag subsidies. If you want to support corn growers, buy corn.
#7 - Reform Medicare. Vouchers used in conjunction with co-pay can encourage competition and remove central planning and wasteful fraud-ridden bureaucracy. Ditto with Medicaid.
#8 - Permit private gambling enterprises. Why has this revenue been diverted offshores and to tribes?
#9 - Remove federal business subsidies and/or simply abolish the Department of Commerce. This political pork breeds corruption and stymies legitimate business.
#10 - Modify the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. More of each.

Dream Weaver

I have another one of my patented "Great Ideas" (TM). I will file an application with the US Copyright Office to copyright the pattern of the brainwaves generated by REM sleep. Then, anyone who dreams will be infringing upon my copyright and will owe me royalties and attorney fees.


It is my understanding that all animals superior in the chain of command to the duck-billed platypus require REM sleep, so this simple copyright filing should make me the supreme ruler of all mammals. (I can't recall whether the platypus will or will not be under my dominion, so that might present an opportunity for someone out there). If it turns out that there actually is a God, all available evidence indicates that he/she/transgender would require REM sleep and will therefore be under my control as well.


Finally I am getting somewhere.

Societe Rustiale

I have another one of my patented "Great Ideas (TM)." We will found a bank, or have Napoleon Bonaparte decree that it be founded, and raise $53B in capital. Then, we will set up systems of oversight which will permit a "rogue trader" employee to somehow blow $7,140,000,000 (13.5% of our funds). Then, the US Fed will print more money by lowering interest rates. Then, I can refinance my mortgage and probably save $50 per month on my payments. I will use my savings to buy an extra case of beer per week which will help to take the edge off.

Still Drinking On Fridays

I am what you might call a creature of habit. You might just call me a creature. You wouldn't be the first.

So, it occurs to me that it would be much easier to rewrite history than to travel through time. During the Gorbachev years, I remember hearing the quotation from a Soviet commentator, "Our history has never been so uncertain." I couldn't agree less.

Call me a revisionist, but it is better than being called a creature. So, I would like to predict that my contribution to history will be ___(Note to self: fill in blank later with accurate data).

Voting Guide

Rustwater Intelligence Police for Cash

The First Unichurck and RUE Enterprises Inc. Ltd. LLC, a faith-based initiative, have teamed up for a new joint venture in paramilitary policing - Rustwater Intelligence Police for Cash. RIP for Cash will be less of a vigilante mob than a highly-trained professional group of armed mercenaries. Rustwater is excited to enter the corporate war industry which continues to experience unprecedented growth and opportunities for expansion.

It is undisputed that the private sector supplies services more cost effectively than governments, so the rise of private armies is a welcome improvement in the efficient use of deadly force. Rustwater executives look forward to having cool choppers, planes, guns, and missiles and the prerogative to use them without the wasteful, inefficient restrictions created by bureaucracy and government oversight.

It has not yet been determined where the Rustwater mercenary army will operate. The market in Iraq is considered saturated, but Rustwater sees growth opportunities in other regions. Rustwater intends to specialize in thought policing and shooting people.

"Some people out there actually think they are free to believe in their own beliefs," indicated an anonymous Rustwater spokesman/woman/transgender, "and we see this unfortunate situation not as a problem but as an opportunity. Those are the people that we need to fix. Wherever there are people that need to be enlightened, whether through killing or other forms of behavior modification, Rustwater will be there."

For reasons that are too complicated for you to understand but which are entirely benevolent, Rustwater will be headquartered in Dubai.

Ron Paul Inflexible

Correction: The FU previously incorrectly published information indicating that Presidential Candidate H. Ron Paul was reknowned for his ability to fellate himself. We retract this statement and apologize for any confusion. We have it on good authority that he is physically unable to complete this feat. Apparently whoever he fellated, it was not himself. Perhaps it was another candidate.

Regardless, the FU is considering supporting Ron despite his shortcomings. Texan H. Ron Paul and his running mate, The Crazy Admiral, are burning up the internets with their Presidential campaign, and the First Unichurck wants to jump into the flames early. To provide logistical support for this campaign, we will be splitting up the congregation into 4 teams, each to be assigned to one of the 4 segments of the internets - A)self-help-seeking/personal obsession sites; B)pornography; C)amateur author/musician/filmmaker sites; and D) pornography.

In order to help out Ron, we will need to determine the following:

1- When is this so-called election and how does one submit his/her/transgender's choice?
2- Who are the other candidates and do they rape babies and/or kittens?
3- Given the obvious connection with L.Ron, would TomKat, Vinnie Barbarino, and KirstieKreme Ally line up for some support? It never hurts to ask (unless the answerer punches you in the face or seizes your bank account).
4 - How else can we harness the fanatics and conspiracy-theorists?

Now, the only problem I see is that Ron is a Texan. Every southern president since Eisenhower turned out to be either incompetent or a jackass. To wit:

Lyndon B. Johnson - Texan - Jackass
Jimmy Carter - Georgian - Incompetent
George HW Bush - Texan - Incompetent
Billary Clinton - Arkansan - Jackass
Geo. Bush - Texan - Incompetent Jackass

L.Ron is virtually guaranteed to be either incompetent or a jackass. I guess we need to determine which before we really put the full thrust of the FU support behind him.

Hold em, Texans

Somehow I got roped into playing poker tonight. I feel as though I'm somewhat at a disadvantage. The problem is that I haven't played poker with any regularity in 10 years and haven't played period (that I can recall) within the last several years. I can't remember when to hold em, when to fold em, when to walk away and when to run.

In the meanwhile, it seems that everyone else in the world has become an expert at Texas Hold'em. I've even seen a TV show with Danny from the Partridge Family playing against Everybody Loves Raymond's brother and some other celebrities. These people are not all that entertaining when teams of professional writers tell them what to say, so why are they on my TV playing cards?

My lack of recent experience is compounded by the fact that I tend to forget how to play games fairly quickly. For the past 16 years or so, the Clowns and I have gotten together once or twice a year, and we always play spades. Each and every year, they have to re-teach me the rules. Fortunately, I am a fast learner and my team usually takes the upper "hand" by day 2. Unfortunately, my team usually loses the upper "hand" by day 3 because I am unable to concentrate on anything but the waves of nausea and occassional spasms of vomiting.

Anyway, can someone remind me about the guidelines for Texas Hold'em. When should I go "all in?" When should I go "all home?"

Peach Bush

As I was driving in to work this morning, I noticed that the VW Passat in front of me had a hand-made poster that read, "Impeach Bush Now!" covering the entire back window. I couldn't help but stop and really think hard about the fact that, "That car must be a son-bitch to parallel park with that big poster blocking the back window."

The thought also crossed my mind that this particular protester, whom I could not see due to, you know, the sign, was somewhat geographically challenged even if well intentioned. The folks in charge of impeachment are at least a thousand miles from my commuting route. At most, 2 or 3 of them visit here a few times a year. I don't think this VW Passat is going to change the political direction of this country unless it goes to Washington D.C.

Further, if the Passat is really committed to its cause, there should be posters covering the front windshield and side windows as well. That would show them.

Blue Pyramid Book Quiz - A Portrait of OneEar

You're Ulysses!" by James Joyce

Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense. What people do understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once brilliant and repugnant. Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Strangely, though I've tried twice, I've never been able to actually read this book!?!

Fall Well, Jerry

Score one for Satan, Winkie-Dinkie, Larry Flynt, and the "First Class Nuts." Our comrade in arms in the battle to usher in the apocalypse is no more. Yes, brother Jerry Falwell is dead.

At 11:45am EST, the vacuum inside Falwell's head finally collapsed unto itself creating a pinhole sized approximation of a black hole (dubbed a pin-head). Due to the immense gravitational pull, neither light nor logic escaped the event, but Falwell's demise was verified by the sudden cessation in the stream of shit flowing out of his mouth. The official cause of death was initially reported as a "bowel obstruction," for which many suspected the aforementioned head. However, Doctors later confirmed that Falwell's death was caused by the lack of a functioning heart.

Jerry, you made the world a better place simply by leaving it, and for that we thank you. May you rest in peace (briefly, until Judgment Day).

_______
NOTE: For those who may consider it callous, cowardly, or conventionally crappy to dance upon the grave of another regardless of his bigotry or the degree to which he preyed upon the faith of others, you are generally correct. Sorry.

Common Denominator

I just heard another news report lamenting the demise of the daily newspaper. Oh really? What's next, loss of the sacred gramophone? Why on Earth would anyone need to rely upon a stack of chopped up wood pulp delivered by a guy driving a 1982 Polluter in order to get the news?
Why not just have Ugh chisel the news out on a stone tablet for you? I'm not sure why everyone's bloomers are in a bunch about the loss of this outdated technology. I, for one, am glad to trade all of the glossy paper insert mess for the internet's banner ads. And with the internet, if you are interested in a news story and want further details, other opinions, fact checking, oh, who am I kidding?

Regardless, I would think that we could all agree that the internet provides a superior delivery mechanism for daily news. Which brings me to one of the points raised during this story about the tragic demise of the paper. According to Ugh, people tend to only view websites which reinforce their beliefs and positions. Ugh posits that this trend explains increasing polarization in our populace. With newspapers, readers were bound to run into controversial and opposing opinions and might even read them. But with the internet, people only seek out information with which they already agree.

This got me to thinking about the Official Site of the First Unichurck and its loyal followers, or lack thereof. You may have noticed that there have been many visitors who visit 1 to 5 times, never to be heard from again. Using the Ugh Theory of Media, I wonder whether the Churck fails to provide enough affirmation for what people already believe.

I'm not sure what there is to disagree with here. Is it the zombies? Is it the discussions about race, gender, music, homosexuality, bestiality, and the end of the world? I wouldn't think those would be controversial subjects. Granted, I've taken a relatively strong stance against the war on fear. After our experience with the war on poverty and the war on drugs, who would have expected a war on fear to fail. (Does anyone remember what the term "war" means?)

But we're turning away parishioners by the ones and twos. So, I have resolved to discuss only topics with which there can be no disagreement.

1) The tax code sucks. Honestly, I've spent about half of my life in school, and I can't figure out most of the forms derived from the tax code, let alone the code itself. The system which describes how we pay dues takes up an entire shelf of books (without even mentioning the shelves upon shelves of books dedicated to interpreting the dues rules). Can't we all agree that this is silly.
2) We don't need any more investigative inquiries into murders. The husband did it.
3) A sponge guy should not wear square pants.
4) Celebrities are just not that informative. Maybe we really care about whether Britnay wears drawers, but do we care about Susan Sarandon's opinion about whatever? (Does she wear drawers?)
5) It is really funny when a grown man shits himself and his hotel room but not so funny if you happen to be the one to step in it.
6) Pluto never deserved to be a planet in the first place.
7) Jockomo feena nay

You, the reader, are wonderful, and you are right about everything.

Year of the Man

Some might say that this was a bad year for yours truly, OneEar. The year began and ended with bookend strokes by my father, OneHWEar. This caused the entire Ear family untold anxiety. In April, I was beaten senseless and hospitalized by some overly-enthusiastic entrepreneurs who were engaged in a "give us your wallet" business enterprise. Recently, a friend somehow managed to get f^cked at the Virgin Islands. And, surprisingly, throughout the year, my get rich quick schemes were neither quick nor enriching. But those who might claim that the year 2006 sucked warthog scrotum would be wrong.

Why is that? Because I finally received a minute slice of the massive recognition which I so obviously deserve - I was named Time magazine "Man of the Year." Although I had neither the time nor the inclination to read beyond the cover of the magazine, I applaud Time for their admiration of me, and I applaud God for setting up the universe in such a fashion that I could receive this honor. Obviously, there is an intelligent design.

Whether this long-overdue recognition arises from my groundbreaking work in cynicism, ennui, and the alienating aspects of relationalism, from my work as a children's author, or from my leadership of one of the fastest growing religions on this blog, this recognition is, well, deserved. All that I can say is "bravo" to Time magazine and to God. You got it right for once.

Strike Me

As an employer, I am always facing the looming threat of unionization. Lurking in the shadows of my operation, I'm sure, is some organizer hoping to convert my wards to the cause of scientific socialism.

So I sat down with Lindsey and Fred (the part-timer) this morning, and I gave them a good talking to.

"Lindsey," I said, (I don't address Fred because he only works part-time. I expect him to pick it up from Lindsey). "I try to treat you with respect and dignity, and I've never asked you to have an abortion, right?" I made sure to note that Fred nodded too.

"So why would you need a union?"

Fred and Lindsey looked at each other quizzically. Then Lindsey said, "You look tired today." She always says that when I have bloodshot eyes and am reeking of alcohol. It is very diplomatic of her, don't you think.

"Yes," I said. "Couldn't sleep last night," I continued. I assume that we both know that I couldn't sleep because I was at a bar, but some things are better left unspoken.

"Couldn't sleep because you were at a bar," Lindsey said.

Here is where I would have preferred to negotiate with her steward. "Don't you have some duties or something?" I queried.

Lindsey rolled her eyes and strolled away casually. I was left with Fred. "What are you looking at?" I demanded.

"When can I go to the bathroom?" Fred wondered aloud. No wonder all of the jobs are being shipped to India.

With Resignations

Thank you so much for your justifiable admiration for me and my candidacy, but I must respectfully withdraw from the race to be Second District Sewerage District Commissioner. My family is my top priority, and family obligations have simply made it impossible for me to continue in this race.

The penguin incident was regrettable. I remain unconvinced that one can actually "rape" penguins in the strict legal sense, but I do admit that the romantic encounter I had with them was not entirely consentual. I have no idea as to how the date rape drug ended up in their water supply.

I do admit that I purchased a fairly large quantity of GHB a while back, but after thinking about what I was doing, I threw it all away. It was just one of those things where you read about this drug that all the kids are doing and so you find a drug dealer and purchase a bunch of drugs on a whim but then you decide to throw all the drugs away.

As for the old lady, she was asking for it. I've simply had it with these ad M&M attacks.

Until recently, I always thought that the Reverend Ted Haggard was a hypocritical, bigoted blowhard. However, I must admit to now having a certain degree of empathy and even admiration for him. Not every closeted homosexual meth user can rise to be head of a 14,000 member church. Unfortunately, voters in the Second Sewerage District are not quite as compassionate as I am, and for that I pity them.

Mrs. Ear sent me an email asking me to make it clear that her support, undying devotion and respect continue unabated. Ditto with the kids.

Royal Flush

So, I says to God, I says, "Alright already, Rusty, I'll do it. Jesus Christ, give me a break!" He had been threatening to pipe in Celine Dion music during my stay in hell. I doubt that a good and loving deity could really be so cruel, but I'm not going to chance it.

So, I hereby launch my campaign to be your next Second District Sewerage District Commissioner.

What makes me qualified, you might ask.

1) My opponent believes in strangling kittens, punching old ladies, and raping penguins. I don't.

2) My opponent wants to "cut and run." I want to "patch and lie."

3) My opponent shat his pants during the first two years of his life. I can honestly say that I never shat his pants.

So, when you ask yourself, "Which candidate is best for my feces and urine?" I ask you to think of me.

OneEar - For a Better Sh1tter.

Wouldn't Be Prudent

Our God, Rusty, has called on me to run for public office. I told him I need some time to think about it, but I really have already made up my mind that I'm not going to do it.

Sure, it would be great to fill appointments with advocates of my own brand of religious zealotry. But I'm just not prepared to open myself to public criticism again.

Plus, who wants to be Sewerage District Commissioner for the second district. I don't even live in the second district, and we have a septic system at my house. It just strikes stinks of hypocrisy.

So, back to my problem. How can I let God down gently without damning myself to eternal hellfire?

Blogger Needs Filter

One of the benefits of writing in tradional medium is that you have the opportunity to reflect. A message transmitted to another will be vetted only after it has been painstakingly reduced to an image of ink on paper. Plus, your secretary has the opportunity to query, "Do you really think it is wise to threaten the Mayor in such a manner?"

All of these benefits are lost in the virtual world. Any idea, no matter how bizarre, is instantly communicated to everyone. If I push off as hard as I can, I can roll my chair out of my office and into the hallway. The internet should be shut down (or licensed).

------------------------------
UPDATE
------------------------------

Now I see that only 1% of internet sites are pornographic. Disgusting!

President Bush Makes Secret Trip to My Half-Bath

United States President George W. Bush made a top-secret trip to the half-bathroom off of my kitchen last night. Bush's lightning trip was cloaked in extreme secrecy and security to the extent that absolutely nobody knew about his visit. Even members of his cabinet were unaware of his visit, and the administration has not explicitly mentioned the excursion. Still, I know he was there.

Look--how about some practical reviews?

Alright, these "gasbag" reviews of "books" are nice and everything, but who really needs practical advice about whether or not to read a book? I think we all know the answer to that question.

So, why not have a review of some recent movies? That way, you may save some money waiting for the DVD release.

Let's start with X-Men III, The Last Stand. Huge potential, miserable disappointment. The first two really were comic booky, this one is as gay as pink on parade. Save your money. The only potential saving grace was Dr. Jean Grey, who is exceptionally hot, but she seemed to have some sort of skin and eye problem in this episode.

Let's move next to, and wrap up with, Thank you for smoking . Worth the ten bucks just to see Tom Cruiseseses' wife faking sex with a non-Christian scientist. Great dark humor.

Next time: Girls Gone Wild, Co-ed Try-outs.