Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Regrets

so, do you ever wonder about itunes? when there is so much in life where you have a second chance, why not with itunes. ok, so i purchased a song by some band called one republic called apologize. i saw them perform on tv once, thought it sounded good, lisened to the 5 second clip on itunes and on an impluse, bought it. when i listened to the whole song i almost threw up. i wanted to return the song back and get my 99 cents back. but i can't. is there no morning after pill for itunes?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Fetish-Call Autodialer - The Prankocranko 3000X

RE-DO-OVER - ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 3/16/2006
.......

Tired of staying up all night making those late night crank telephone calls? Do wish you could enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are disturbing innocent people without all of the tedium and effort? Well now you can with the Prankocranko 3000x.

The Prankocranko 3000x uses space age technology to play a cassette tape loop of prerecorded messages to an endless number of recipients. Choose from "the heavy breather," "the cackler," "the foot to the phoner," and, of course, "the Bill O'Reilly."

Your calling list will be compiled from the latest phone records that our researchers have uncovered at local dumpsters and landfills. You will be able to sleep soundly while the Prankocranko 3000X dials through the night, subjecting people who have never caused you any harm to needless harassment.

Don't take our word for it - listen to some testimonials:

"This thing is really creeping me out!"
"Shut that f~ck!ng thang off, I gots ta get up at 4:30."
"Me, I'm wearing white socks with pink tassles. You?"

Order the Spanko attachment, and the Prankocranko 3000x not only makes the obscene phone calls for you, but also it pleasures itself while doing so. Order today, and as an EXTRA BONUS, FREE OF CHARGE, you'll get The Bread-a-pult buttered toast delivery system. No more walking back and forth between the toaster and the breakfast table thousands of times to serve up toast. Just load the Bread-a-pult, set the counter weight, turn the winding crank, lube the pivot, and pull the triggering cord, and there you have it, buttered toast all over the wall.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Monday, February 16, 2009

Colyp School of Financial Money - Shoved Farther UPDATE

Colyp's re-emergence from the ethersphere caused me to reflect upon his contributions to the fields of economics and money-stuff. As you all know, Colyp is famous for his intricate system of credit card cash advances whereby a person takes a cash advance from one credit company in order to make his monthly payment to another. I believe he may have won a Noble Prize for his ground-breaking work in this respect. Initially discounted as foolhardy, the Colyp school of financial money has now earned general acceptance as the proper way to finance a society. News reports often lament that the US credit card debt is approx. $1T ($1x10(12th)). With 2.7 x 10(8th) people, this only amounts to less than $4k per person. By contrast, the current national debt is $9.3T and is almost $60T if one includes unfunded Medicaid and Social Security obligations. This would seem unmanageable unless one were to buy into the Colyp school of financial money. Then, it all makes sense.
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UPDATE -9/25/2008
The US national debt was around $4Trillion when GeoW took office. Our national debt is now approaching $10Trillion. You personally currently owe about $40,000 in debt plus another $200,000 for Medicaid and Social Security. So does your spouse. So does each of your children. Now the government is asking for and likely to give itself another $3,000 from each of us to buy bonds that nobody else wants to buy. Oh yeah, and they'll need another $4,000 from each of us (oh, what the hell let's make it an even $10,000) to "finish the job" in Iraq.

Any American, such as each of my children, whose net worth is less than $250,000 is insolvent. So, if you're bankrupt, you might as well spend all available funds on a huge party. You're going to default anyway, so why not live it up in the short term.

Colyp, you are a genius.


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Shoved Farther UPDATE 2/16/2009

Congress approves printing $789Billion (who are we kidding, let's just call it $1Trillion) to invest in activities that are, by definition, otherwise unworthy of funding. This is in addition to the $700Billion of TARP from November 2008 and $168Billion in rebates from 2008. The Fed, Treasury, and the FDIC spent $3Trillion and pledged $5.7Trillion more. For those of you keeping score at home, this is about $10Trillion that the government has blown through in the past year and a half!?! For comparison purposes, the total value of all good and services produced for an entire year in the US (GDP) is about $14Trillion.

The purpose of this increase in government expenditures is to "stimulate" someone. How will the US ever repay this debt (on top of the Medicaid and Social Security obligations)? A team of Ivy-league trained unicorns will sprinkle productivity dust on the treasury bonds to transform them into butterflies and they will fly to China and die.

Is anyone else finding it increasingly difficult to send in quarterly estimated income tax payments?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Waste of Time - m4w

Wasting Time - m4w
Date: 2009-02-13, 9:59AM EST
To you who called me "pathetic," I really don't need that kind of sh!t.

To you who left a bar, you are correct, it wasn't in Denver. You and I were the only ones who would have known that. Are your initials TM?
To MEG--ISS, I am the guy who does not shop at Whole Foods. Who are you?
---

Wasting time - w4m (RI)
Date: 2009-02-13, 9:49AM EST
I thought you were talking to me cuz I left a bar once. But I've never been to Denver.
--------

who are u
this message was remailed to you via craigslist.org

---

Time Waster - w4m - 33
2009-02-12, 5:43PM EST
You passed some drunk bimbo in a bar in Denver and now
you hope to meet her in Providence. Pretty pathetic doncha think? What is your
deal with Whole Foods?


RE: Waste of Time - w4m -21 m4w

Thank you for your kind-hearted encouragement. I can tell you are truly a warm, caring humanitarian.

I may have passed you when you were leaving the bar. You seem so familiar. Have you ever been to Denver? I'll call you by the initials TM if that makes you feel better. Also, let's just get this out of the way - I don't shop at Whole Foods.



RE: Waste of Time - w4m - 21 Date: 2009-02-11, 7:38PM EST

Just go up and talk to girls you find attractive, Jesus!
You know how many times I've walked out of a store or bar just as a hot guy was
walking in? You could have been that guy, get some sauce in you, and hit the
street, maybe some fine lady will find your assertive attitude attractive.


Waste of Time - m4w
Date: 2009-02-11, 9:38AM EST

I can state unequivocally that this does not work. I posted numerous times and I am still unappreciated and underutilized! Fine. Now you have one less connection to miss. I hope you are satisfied. Good day.

Monday, February 02, 2009

RE: Siren calling me to your cloaca - 28 (RI) - m4w

RE: Siren calling me to your cloaca - 28 (RI)
Date: 2009-01-31, 12:42AM EST

Uhm.... Can we have some initials??



I reached out to you, and I bared my soul. Now, I am done. I have no regrets, except that I regret that I ever mentioned Whole Foods. I don’t shop there, so get over it already.
Is that why you have rejected me? I know you are reading this. Time to crawl back into the slime. I can't grow a new heart like an amphibian grows a new appendage. I can't even grow a new appendage, I don't think, though I've never really tried. Just like you haven't tried. Have you?

OE

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Post-retirement Plan

If heaven ain't a lot like Dixie
I don't wanna go
If heaven ain't a lot like Dixie
I'd just as soon stay home
If they don't have a Grand Ole Opry
Like they do in Tennessee
Just send me to hell or New York City
It would be about the same to me