Friday, March 28, 2008

Churck Flock awaits instructions from new Chancellor while Lawyers sue to halt destruction of Universe

Whilst a committed following of Churck-goers awaits instructions from their new Fearless Leader, a group of crazed Hawai'ins has employed Lawyers to save the universe. I swear I am not making this up. Evidently, two over-baked Hawai'ns have decided that the research being conducted at Fermilab and CERN in France/Switzerland--practically in their backyard--poses an environmental risk in the form of black hole formation and stranglet production ('stranglets' have nothing to do with autoerotic asphyxiation, followers). The Hawai'ins feel that the risk of forming runaway black holes willy-nilly that will engulf the planet and all nearby matter and light is legitimate enough to get lawyers involved and waste bazillions of dollars and tie up the federal court system even further. The lawyers, in their inevitable shrewdness, wisdom and desire for financial gain from even the most mentally disabled members of our society ("it'll be like takin' candy from a baby...just sign here to retain my services, Mr. Cookadoodle Do") have agreed to take the case.

"There's gotta be some way to make money off of this," as ex-Chancellor OneEar LaBona put it, walking down the steps of the Madison, WI courthouse in 12 inches of late March snow. And "Honestly, I can't think of a better or more appropriate use of the Federal Judicial System. It was designed for things like this, you know, things like spending enormous amounts of time and money coming to decisions and passing judgments on foreign entities, like CERN, regarding completely preposterous allegations that will immediately and indefinitely be ignored. Right? Ergo, ice-cream and a nap. It's really simple. I can't understand the controversy. For a short while, I taught a course on this in the local law school, but there was this 'tenure' stuff and restrictions on teaching 'unorthodox methodology' and I really got railroaded out of that one, but, you see what I'm saying, right?"

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ve haff a Wiener: Area Sheep Hit in Eye with Schnitzel and then Asphyxiated in Big Pot of Sauerkraut to Eliminate Look of Surprise/Shock on Face

Speaking of Lawyers' nuts, Vat do you tink vould be his first order of business as Churck Chancellor? Mandatory male hugging? Daily buttock caressing? We await your instructions, Mein Furry-Guy.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Happy Vernal Equinox, F.U.ers

Well, I swear last night was almost as long as today, and the moon is just about full. I think I am standing up a little straighter and possibly taller. Every coin I have flipped today to make most of my usual daily life-or-death decisions has managed to land on edge. Weird. Sort of makes you want to get naked, smear blood all over yourself and sacrifice/pork a virgin in a ring full of like-minded and similarly dressed people. Some things about human society just never change, thank goodness!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

First Unichurck Accused of Voting Irregularities (and sheep porking)

Following recent scandalous revelations by the First Unichurck (F.U.) regarding semi-consensual adult/sheep relations by its sensory-impaired leadership, another story is breaking regarding Floridian-style voting irregularities. Up until yesterday, Bunderwear Underwear was the foregone conclusion as the next Chancellor of the Churck, In-Absentia, and then--WHAM!!

Mysteriously, now there are only 5 days left (as opposed to the previous four-thousand and five) and all votes, like the odometer on a used car lot, were turned back to zero. FOR SHAME, OneEar!! FOR SHAME!!

How do you respond to these allegations?

Oh, and Florida and Michigan? In the words of Nelson Mundt of the Simpsons, "Hahaa"

Monday, March 10, 2008

Colyp School of Financial Money

Colyp's re-emergence from the ethersphere caused me to reflect upon his contributions to the fields of economics and money-stuff.

As you all know, Colyp is famous for his intricate system of credit card cash advances whereby a person takes a cash advance from one credit company in order to make his monthly payment to another. I believe he may have won a Noble Prize for his ground-breaking work in this respect.

Initially discounted as foolhardy, the Colyp school of financial money has now earned general acceptance as the proper way to finance a society.

News reports often lament that the US credit card debt is approx. $1T ($1x10(12th)). With 2.7 x 10(8th) people, this only amounts to less than $4k per person. By contrast, the current national debt is $9.3T and is almost $60T if one includes unfunded Medicaid and Social Security obligations. This would seem unmanageable unless one were to buy into the Colyp school of financial money. Then, it all makes sense.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Remainder of Nation Considers Returning Florida to Spain along with Angry, Unappreciative Note

As the State of Florida once again demonstrates its inability to participate in a competent fashion with United States elections, many have called for the State to be returned to its first European keepers, the Nation of Spain. An included nasty explanatory note has been recommended to be pinned to Florida's shirt. Barring this possibility, the descendants of Juan Ponce de Leon should be charged with responsibility of the blue-haired playground, according to proponents of what is being called the "Florida is Clearly Too Stupid to be Part of the United States--and That's Saying A Lot" movement.

Reasons put forth by supporters include:
1. Number of annual executions taking place in Florida exceeding annual birthrate, so it's going to be a wash soon anyhow
2. Number of "Chads" Hung in last election confused by residents with number 1, above
3. Whole stepford-wives creepiness of Disney/Orlando/Epcot phenomenon (have you ever visited the city for a meeting? Whoa.)
4. The abundance of iguanas, parrots and gators in neighborhoods refuse to work as household appliances like those seen on the Flintstone's.
5. "God's Waiting Room" now experiencing excessive wait times for celestial discharge due to ever-increasing advances in modern medicine, which in turn increases membership in AARP, forcing the rest of us to deal with Medicare and all of its problems.
6. Until recently, was Nation's number one source for malaria and cholera, which only served to strengthen the reputation of fruity states such as California that proudly boasted of "No Malaria Vacations"
7. Has some paranormal, voodoo-magnet for Haitians (some refer to this as "rule of law" or "stable economy where my whole family won't be killed on Tuesdays for no apparent reason")
8. Full of left-over, persnickety, fault-finding, finicky, fussy Cubans who have the gall to be upset that all of their worldly possessions were snatched away from them in a wink of an eye, and not one penny went toward the personal hygiene of the new dictator (That guy has worn the same freakin' outfit every day and hasn't shaved in like 50 years. Vomit. Eat THAT, Bill Clinton and your $200 Airforce 1 Haircut!), who then, randomly, turns around and gives the whole goddamned country to his brother Earl.
9. And the most compelling reason is the evident contagiousness of Florida's bumbling retardation as demonstrated by the State of Michigan's recent donning of a similar-colored Floridian dunce-cap.

Proponents plead to act fast before another state drops and we end up with a country that "looks like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone". So much for Manifest Destiny. Thanks a lot, you Michigan/Florida dopes.