Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Let's get back to Marxism for a moment

(with all due respect to that clickety-clackety trooper, Mila)

WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

Sen. Boxer pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory
interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or
"Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each
and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some
sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Dead Dog May Still Be Barking

My 12-month-old son said his first word the other day. "Mila" he uttered unmistakably. The only issue is that Mila was the name of our dog who we had just "put to sleep" earlier that day.

Is it possible that Mila is trying to speak to us from beyond? Has our son now become possessed with the spirit of our dead dog?

If anyone out there has had any experience with such a situation, please tell me what to expect next and please indicate if there are any special signs for which I should be watching.

Also, OneEar you may want to dust off the Unichurk exorcism rites.


Monday, June 26, 2006

Underminers Society Sewing Its Oaths

Members of the Underminers Society, the secretive burrowing group that now meets at the FU Annex on Saturday evenings, began a Friendship Hankie fundraiser project last week. Throughout history, folk-artistic social groups have sewn individual cloth squares which are later joined to form a large group quilt called a "friendship blanket."

Inspired by this concept, the Underminers launched their Friendship Hankie project. The hankie was originally chosen over the blanket as the medium of expression because it is smaller and much easier to carry in a pocket. However, the cloth hankie was seen as irrelevant in today's disposable society.

For that reason, and because they are more adept at tunneling than at sewing, the Underminers quickly adapted their project to modern technology. Underminers Friendship Hankies are modern, 3-ply white tissue papers upon which very personalized messages have been written in permanent ink.

Many Underminers use their "Snotsheets" as they call them, to describe their innermost thoughts on topics ranging from their own shortcomings to the shortcomings of their parents and even society at large. It is hoped that these will be hot sellers, and the proceeds will be applied toward the purchase of a shovel.

EDITORIAL: We, at the First Unichurck, wish the Underminers the best in this endeavor. We know that some FU members also belong to the Underminers, and, based upon what we know about them so far, we acknowledge your right to belong to both groups. It is not clear to us why the Underminers have their bizarre initiation rite during which they take a hideous blood oath to a pagan deity, but, other than that, they seem pretty innocuous, ableit a bit dusty.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Becoming a Marxist; Pointers sought

Discontent for my job has developed into disdain for work in general. As a result, I have thought about becoming a Marxist.

Would anyone out there be able to point me in the right direction toward achieving this? Is there a home-study course?

Is there a health plan for Marxists?

Thanks in advance for the help.

Your pal,

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Underminers Society Now Meets at FU

Let's give a big FU welcome to the Underminers Society of America. The USofA, like the Masons or the Elks, is a fraternal organization (which now recognizes women).

The Underminers were founded in 1925 when renowned burrower Cecil “Digger” Digston invited two business associates to dig underground tunnels from their businesses to his system of shafts which thereby created history’s first recorded “networking opportunity.”

From those humble beginnings, the Underminers eventually grew into a multi-state society. The group continues to promote tunneling and other types of burrowing but has also expanded into crawl spaces, pits, and even the occasional cellar.

Meetings of the Underminers will be held regularly each Saturday at the FU annex. Hardhats are recommended as are lights and string.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sports Enthusiast Shocked to Learn that North Carolina Even Had Hockey Team

I am one of those guys who knows a little bit about everything. Like a freshly fertilized field of dreams, I am a mile wide and an inch deep. In some places, I am even shallower.

So I was shocked to learn, while watching Sportscenter last night, that the North Carolina something-or-others defeated the Edmonton Oilers to win the NHL Stanley Cup last night. Shocked that a Canadian team is in the "National" Hockey League? No, I forgave that discordance at the skates of Wayne "The Great One" Gretzky.

Shocked that they are playing hockey in June? Well, yes, that is weird.

But the really stupefying surprise is that there is a hockey team in North Carolina!?! When in the froach did that happen? They showed several minutes of guys skating around holding up the big Stanley Cup cup. I will say one thing for the iNHL, they do have a cool trophy.

Anyway, my latest research project is to try to figure out the team name for this mysterious bunch. They wear red shirts with a giant swirl on the front. Swirlies? That seems like a strange name for a hockey team. But then again, who plays hockey in North Carolina in June?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Look--how about some practical reviews?

Alright, these "gasbag" reviews of "books" are nice and everything, but who really needs practical advice about whether or not to read a book? I think we all know the answer to that question.

So, why not have a review of some recent movies? That way, you may save some money waiting for the DVD release.

Let's start with X-Men III, The Last Stand. Huge potential, miserable disappointment. The first two really were comic booky, this one is as gay as pink on parade. Save your money. The only potential saving grace was Dr. Jean Grey, who is exceptionally hot, but she seemed to have some sort of skin and eye problem in this episode.

Let's move next to, and wrap up with, Thank you for smoking . Worth the ten bucks just to see Tom Cruiseseses' wife faking sex with a non-Christian scientist. Great dark humor.

Next time: Girls Gone Wild, Co-ed Try-outs.