Friday, December 31, 2010

Rupture Alert!!!

Heed this counsel. Prepare thineselves; for the brambles and the thickets are brambly and thickety. Doest whatsoever thou wouldst to doest whatsoever it is that thou doest, but doest it in a big hurry.

These signs thrice witnessed shall announce his coming:

First, the chosen One shall announce his coming.
Check. (See above).

Second, the internal combustion engine shall be further improved, from an air quality perspective anyway, by the addition of a catalytic converter mechanism in the exhaust system.
Check. (See 1974 or thereabouts).

Third, a commercially lucrative rock opera shall announce the final triumph of money over art. (See Rusty Sessions information below. Call now for tickets).

Monday, December 20, 2010

Hey, How Is It Going, California?

The State of California is bankrupt (and muddy) as is the State of Illinois.

Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that the solution to this problem will be to extract the money to pay for fiscal recklessness from the citizens of the more responsible States? (Granted, there are very few States that are truly fiscally sound). Sort of like taking money from responsible citizens to cover the downside risk of "too big to fail" financial firms.

I have been warning you for some time that we should expect my son's generation to proclaim a hearty "Fuck you" when asked to pay for the money we've borrowed. I'm considering delivering the same message myself. Is California too big to fail? How about this time we find out.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Scientists and Possibly Aliens Are Watching You

A cloak of invisibility is now a technical possibility. See in which them damn scientists "introduce a new type of electromagnetic cloak, the spacetime cloak (STC), which conceals events rather than objects."

There are two obvious and important ramifications of this technological development. First, those scientists now can sneak up on you to watch you masturbate. You're at a computer - let's say you're sitting in your office when you decide to "get to work." Or, you're at the coffee shop and you decide to "froth your grande latte with cream."Or, you're at the public library and you want to "Dewey your decimal." Or you are at school and want to "tutor the pupil," or at church to "club the bishop." You get the idea.

Anyway, you look around, and it appears that the coast is clear. You are free to "choke the chicken," or so you think. With this invisibility cloak, those scientists could be standing right behind you watching you "burp the worm."

Second, and even worse, extraterrestrial aliens hidden by invisibility cloaks might also be watching you "topping the banana with yogurt." It is bad enough to have some egg-head watching you "liberate the tadpoles," but now you have some green species watching you "jerkin the gherkin." It is just plain embarrassing.

Why can't they figure out a way to use these devices for good and just leave us alone?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Coco's Camera Not Found

Those nerds at MIT have finally discovered a way for my camera to shoot decent pictures around my finger.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

He Is Re-Re-Arisen

Regarding your insistence that I comment on the TSA's full body screening controversy, I acquiesce. My comments are these:

I truly and wholeheartedly believe that citizens periodically should be subjected to a full-body pat down. Cavity searches would be even better. And, if the citizen wants a so-called "Happy Ending," that should not cost extra. I wouldn't even mind showing up an hour before my flight if that service were included.

But, let's be civilized about this. The passenger should get to choose his feeler-upper from a line-up of employees just like at any decent whore-house.

Some airports have a Hooters in them. Couldn't these functions be combined?

Also, I think passengers telephone numbers should be included in the image. I realize that the images are supposed to be destroyed immediately, but, in the event that they do make it onto the internet, why shouldn't we be able to call the person?

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010


Like the hymn of Paul Revere, all Clowns will gather in Boston. Rusty!

Saturday, April 17, 2010


can you spot your hero and mine?

rusty, rusty
four-legged fool
you bathe yourself
in a pool-full
of drool

rusty, rusty
he's our man
if he can't do it
nobody can

Kenny Bloom
with his head in the womb
he beats it with a broom
as he's dancing on his tomb for

Sydney, Sydney
where are you?
We got somethin'
we'd like you to do for

Bean-pole Mike,
well, he's no dike
he knows how to play
what we like for

Jim Graham
with a sandwich
made of Spam
He knows just how to lay
that jam for

Colin Clark
He taught Mark to park
But he doesn't light a Spark
when he's smokin' in the dark

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Less Interesting than Smut'n'Eggs

No matter what you think about healthcare, this is disturbing.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Plan Rojo

So, the Canadians want to play rough. Well, if you're going to run with the big dogs, they may sniff your ass. The US has a plan for the invasion of Canada dating back to the 1930's. America’s Secret Plan to Invade Canada
The plan "includes special notice ... about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and how they were not a force to be taken lightly in a military action."

Pardon my arrogance, but I think the US military can handle a few guys on horses. Dragoons were formidable in, say, the eighteenth century. But since the advent of what are called in military parlance "big guns," soldiers are much less afraid of dandies prancing around on horses.

That is not to say that the Canadians do not pose a threat. They too have a plan.

"The department in Canada responsible for war planning had an annual budget of just $1,200. During the clandestine information-gathering for Defense Scheme Number One, staff members of the department actually entered the United States to take photographs and to procure free maps at gas stations."

Oh - my - God! They've been procuring our free maps! Will they stop at nothing?

Monday, February 15, 2010

That's Not Fair

Speaking of pregnant ladies, look how the Canadians are cheating this time:

One of their curlers is actually two of their curlers.

This is just the latest in Canada's $8-million Own the Podium project which was "hush-hush" until a month ago.

Apparently, those wily Canadians have been using laser guidance, an extra-special composite material, and other space age technologies in their effort to capture medals at the Olympics. Now, they're even using procreation.

"A speed skating sling-shot, curling sweeping technology, and a para-alpine sit-ski with extra stability are among the other developments that emerged from the Top Secret plan."

This doesn't sound very Canadian to me. This is the kind of cheating one might expect from the Al-Qaida olympic team, but I never thought we'd have to worry about this from the hosers.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Color Me Mysterious

So I’ve never quite understood this custom of buying drinks for women in bars. I mean where is the challenge in that? Plus it seems to add additional pressure to a situation that is already charged with too much pressure to begin with. Buy your own drink, Sugar; all I have to offer is interesting conversation – and lots of it.

But anyway, the other night I found myself alone seated at the bar of a fairly nice restaurant in the heart of suburbia ordering a plate of fish to act as a late dinner top-off to an afternoon of drinking with friends. I like this alone time. I bring the newspaper. I do the crossword. If the bartender happens to be a bartendress all the much better. On this particular evening, the bartendress (let’s call her Mindy mostly because I haven’t a clue what her real name is) and I were getting along quite well (and by quite well I mean Mindy talked to me about things other than the menu, she called me sweetheart, and while she was serving me my basket of bread, she brushed up against me lightly); the camaraderie between Mindy and me was fueled by the fact that Mindy was pregnant -- but only slightly pregnant. This immediately took the pressure off, and I felt like I could ask her anything. I discussed with her an article in the food section of the newspaper that claimed that in times of stress people turned to cheese for comfort. Mindy disagreed and said chocolate was her choice. Mindy and I laughed at this.

But Mindy and I were not alone. Seated five empty barstools down from me were two attractive cougars (let’s call them Laura and Meg) enjoying a glass of wine and chatting amicably between themselves – as is the custom with attractive cougars. “Oh, what to do?” I thought. I had finished my fish, I had drunk my last martini, I had solved the remaining clues of the crossword puzzle. “Mindy,” I said, “I need to go, but I want to buy those two ladies at the end of the bar a drink, and then I am going to get up and leave. Do you think that would be ‘dorky’ or ‘mysterious’?” Mindy replied with a tone that made me think she wasn’t being truthful. “Mysterious,” she said. Naturally I agreed, and so as Mindy refilled the wine glasses of Laura and Meg, I retreated into the dark night, a genuine man of mystery muttering to my myself, “Phew, I escaped from there just in time. Imagine the pressure.”

Monday, February 01, 2010

Welcum to FU

Now that they've counselled the gay right out of Ted Haggard, perhaps we should invite him to the First Unichurck.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Close One

This was published December, 2008. Whew.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Benefits of Red Wine

Not only is red wine "heart healthy" but I have discovered that if you have a glass (extra large) right before bed, good things happen to you while you sleep. Last night, sometime between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., I was appointed as the new United States Secretary of the Treasury. This morning I am a little nervous about my senate confirmation, but I am sure everything will work out. Expect big changes soon.

Other than that, plenty is happening with me. Expect future posts soon.

I have been meditating on the following Einstein quote for the last several months. Shall you meditate with me?

For the most part we humans live with the false impression of security and a feeling of being at home in a seemingly trustworthy physical and human environment. But when the expected course of everyday life is interrupted, we are like shipwrecked people on a miserable plank in the open sea, having forgotten where they came from and not knowing whither they are drifting. But once we fully accept this, life becomes easier and there is no longer any disappointment.