Friday, February 20, 2009

Fetish-Call Autodialer - The Prankocranko 3000X

RE-DO-OVER - ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 3/16/2006
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Tired of staying up all night making those late night crank telephone calls? Do wish you could enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are disturbing innocent people without all of the tedium and effort? Well now you can with the Prankocranko 3000x.

The Prankocranko 3000x uses space age technology to play a cassette tape loop of prerecorded messages to an endless number of recipients. Choose from "the heavy breather," "the cackler," "the foot to the phoner," and, of course, "the Bill O'Reilly."

Your calling list will be compiled from the latest phone records that our researchers have uncovered at local dumpsters and landfills. You will be able to sleep soundly while the Prankocranko 3000X dials through the night, subjecting people who have never caused you any harm to needless harassment.

Don't take our word for it - listen to some testimonials:

"This thing is really creeping me out!"
"Shut that f~ck!ng thang off, I gots ta get up at 4:30."
"Me, I'm wearing white socks with pink tassles. You?"

Order the Spanko attachment, and the Prankocranko 3000x not only makes the obscene phone calls for you, but also it pleasures itself while doing so. Order today, and as an EXTRA BONUS, FREE OF CHARGE, you'll get The Bread-a-pult buttered toast delivery system. No more walking back and forth between the toaster and the breakfast table thousands of times to serve up toast. Just load the Bread-a-pult, set the counter weight, turn the winding crank, lube the pivot, and pull the triggering cord, and there you have it, buttered toast all over the wall.

9 comments:

Attila The Mom said...

LOL! You're too much!

I want one of those catapult thingys.

Sven said...

Great products! Now can you get working in something that will relieve me of the bothersome task of wiping my own ass?

Charlie said...

Sven: You wipe? Huh. Personally, I never gave it much thought. Maybe I'll try it sometime, but I'll have to borrow some paper. Then again, I suppose that isn't something the lendee gives back to the lendor.

Rusty: I believe that we may have a patent conflict here. Your photograph is an exact replica of my CIA thought-blocking gizmo. It's a bitch when I walk around with it on my head.

Have your lawyer call my lawyer. Never mind. You are my lawyer.

OneEar said...

Listen you asswipes,

All that you need to do is to straddle your banker and then rub your anus back and forth.

Let the bank deal with disposing of the paper.

asswipe said...

Don't use my name in vain.

OneEar said...

I meant "asswipe" in the literal non-pejorative sense. I would hate to offend.

Litzi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
OneEar said...

We regret to inform you that the Spanko was voluntarily recalled in conjunction with FTC Order #3227a and the case of 428 Maimed Babies et al v. RUE.

We are preparing to beta test a replacement product. If you are interested and live in a household with no babies or pets, we would be happy to have your participation.

Litzi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.