Blood In Your Stool? Join Us!

Perhaps, the problem is that we have been too broad in our outreach. In trying to appeal to everybody, we have appealed to no bodies. Perhaps we should tailor our message to a particular segment of the population. Let's start with those who have blood in their stool.

The campaign will go something like this. If you are talking to someone and the conversation turns toward who has blood in their stool, you could interject, "Blood in your stool? You should join the First Unichurck." Then, give him/her/transgender the pamphlet - Why The First Unichurck is the only religion that makes any sense for a person with blood in his/her/transgender's stool.

If you are speaking before a group, say at your local Lion's Club or Underminer's Society, all the better. You will have the opportunity to steer the conversation appropriately. "Let's see a show of hands for who has blood in their stool. Keep em up. Now, how many of you belong to a religion that addresses the blood in your stool? Right. Now, put your hands back up if you have blood in your stool. Some of you who raised your hands last time are not raising them this time. Come on now, put em up. Ok, all of you who are not raising your hands come up here and deposit some stool on this big sheet of plastic so that we can make sure that you are in the right group. " etc. You can see how this will work to our advantage.

Once we have captured the large and growing blood-in-the-stool crowd, we can move on to other groups such as blood-in-the-urine and halitosis. In other words, let's let the churck grow organically.

UPDATE! How about "cigars in his/her/transgender's stool?" Would that be better?

EVEN FARTHER UP DATE!! More great reasons to drink urine.

THAT'S AS FAR UP AS IT REACHES DATE!!! Now I know what has been missing from the Clown Squad sound - a 6 inch floral bouquet.

He Is Wackened

Oh ye of little faith (and little bodily parts (the ones that are socially valued for their largeness)). OneEar is not, neh cannot, eair shall not die! For as long as there is one fanatic, there shall be One Ear.

Sneezing the Gospel

According to Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, social events can and do behave like contagious diseases. The "tipping point" occurs in epidemiology when an illness reaches a critical mass which causes its infection rate to escalate to an epidemic rate. This same course of growth also can occur with social activities.

What we need to do is to spread the FU like an infectious disease. It will be sort of like a holy case of syphilis. Gladwell has set up the step-by-step plan to follow:

1) Mavens incubate the disease and then contact others through "connectors" who have many social contacts in other communities. We may have a problem here. The FU community is relatively self-contained (in-bred, if you will). However, perhaps it would work to rent a "connector" and to connect with her by the hour, in the name of religion.

2) Stickiness. The disease needs to be contagious. I think we have this one covered. The FU is pretty sticky.

3) Context. I have no idea what this means, so I assume that it is not important. Let's just stick with the first two steps.

Now, we need to pick the very best FU post, the stickiest, in order to have the greatest chance of spreading the FU word. Please vote for your all-time favorite post from Rusty Never Sleeps. The winner will be used to infect the world. It seems to be working for American Idle.

Allies Celebrate BJ day!

They said it couldn't be done, but we did it! We've managed to blow $400,000,000,000.00 in Iraq! I say "Don't stop now, we've got this GDP on the ropes."

To grasp the magnitude of our accomplishment, review some of the comparisons provided by the National Priorities Project. They indicate that this sum of money is sufficient to buy 7 Million teachers. But consider the size of the teachers' lounge you would need. Hello? Doesn't anybody think any more? We really need to do something about the educational system if you don't see the problem here.

These spend-thrift do-gooders also claim that $400B would pay for 20 million 4 year college scholarships. Screw that, I'm done with college. I want my money to go where it will do some good - to some politically connected contractors in some god-forsaken shithole.

I say we set our sights higher - $1,000,000,000,000.00. It will be like Jason and the Argonuts bringing home the Golden Fleece! And we will reap our just reward.

Thanks Al

Just when you think this internet that Al Gore invented is filled with nothing but tripe, you run across The World's #1 Sheep Sex and Dating Personals Site.

What other evidence do you need to prove that there is a Rusty?