Administration Begged to Suspend All Civil & Human Rights During War on Poverty

Since the 1960's, our great nation has been engaged in the "War on Poverty." This is a momentous struggle that is being fought on many fronts: from the streets of our cities to our mountains, islands and horns. This war is going to take many turns. And the enemy must be defeated on every battlefield.

Yet the povertists will not go away quietly. Povertists infest every nook and cranny unless and until they are vaccuumed out and exterminated. They hate our lifestyle and, above all, our money.

Thus, the First Unichurck is calling on the Bush administration to suspend all civil and human rights indefinitely until we are triumphant in this war on poverty. We feel that it is a small price to pay for so important of a victory. Those who are against us, the povertists and sympathizers, should be secure in knowing that we will get them. We will smoke them out and torture them until they relinquish their dedication to poverty.

But povertists find shelter in many of the civil and human rights that we would otherwise provide. We would give access to social services. We would have a judicial system that uses rhetoric about fairness and equal access to the law. We would have universal access to health care. No, scratch that last one. Anyway, these are luxuries we can no longer afford. Not with these povertists lurking among us.

For the very social services we provide create an unending cycle of lazy, welfare dependent soldiers fighting for poverty. And our judicial system is used for frivolous lawsuits which act like a lottery for the stupid and easily injured. And our universal health care system ... oh yeah.

And so, my fellow Americans, we must temporarily suspend the civil rights of all citizens in order to smoke out the povertists among us. We must all relinquish all of our freedoms, including the right to private property and the right to the income from our labor. For only when we are all poor will we be able to defeat this evil foe of poverty. It is a high price to pay, but it is definitely worth it.

Iran is the nest where many of these povertists breed, and so we must recognize Iran as the central front in our war on poverty. As we fight the enemy in Iran, every man and woman who volunteers to defend our nation deserves an unwavering commitment to the mission and a clear strategy for victory. A clear strategy begins with a clear understanding of the enemy we face.

So, as long as we are all clear, let's get on with it.