Grammar Closet

"Pluperfect subjunctive! Pluperfect subjunctive!"

"Yes, Mr. NoGogo. Some of us in the class are confused about the construction of the pluperfect subjunctive as discussed in Chapter 23," Sylvia explained timidly. Sylvia Ibarra with her dark Spanish hair and her dark Spanish eyes made the most of her company-sponsored English classes believing that they were the first step on her path to Baywatch or Melrose Pace or even Webster.

Mr. NoGogo slammed his book shut with disgust.
"Have I not stood up here, Sylvia, day after day explaining mood after mood and tense after tense? What is it exactly that you've been doing? If you don't want to learn, and I mean really learn, then there is little more I can do."

Mr. NoGogo wasn't finished.
"You know, Sylvia, if I had known this morning that you were going to ask such a question, I would have had another drink – maybe even two more. Furthermore, if ten years ago, someone had told me that you were going to be sitting here today in my class, I would have hanged myself from the nearest tree."

"I need some air," he continued. "I find you people stifling. I want you to sit here and think about what you've done. Maybe when I come back, if you are ready and I mean really ready, we can accomplish something."

Outside the classroom, Mr. NoGogo checked his bag twice for his flask. He was sure he had packed it, but it wasn't there.
"Pluperfect," he muttered to himself. "How is that even possible? Pluperfect? How could something be more than perfect? How could something be perfect plus plu?"

He dragged himself back into the classroom and continued his scolding. "Sylvia, there's little left for me to say. I need you to pick up all of things including your pluperfect Spanish hair and your pluperfect Spanish eyes and the way you construe your lips so pluperfectly that one can't tell if it's a pout or a smile. Please take all of these things and go and sit in the Grammar Closet. The rest of you, I don't know! Javier, go to the board! We'll spend the remainder of this class playing Hangman.

In the back of the room Mr. NoGogo could hear Sylvia rustling inside of the Grammar Closet.
"I'm sorry", she said quietly. "If I had known my question was so unsettling, I would not have asked it."

"What's done is done, Sylvia," Mr. NoGogo responded wistfully. "There is no sense in wishing for it to be different."

In between projects

"What do you do?"

"Oh, thanks for asking. Presently, I'm in between projects. I just finished Project A and before I begin Project B I thought I would take some time to rediscover ME. You know -- do some reading, take a martini march up to my afternoon nap, and soak up the summer smells."

If only I could finish Project A. Then I would be in between.

Alain Bernard Gives Olympic Media Impromptu French Lessons

French Olympic swimming contender Alain Bernard, who was quoted as saying that the French team would "Smash the Americans" gave an impromptu lesson in French language to the media following France's loss to the U.S. in the men's 4 X 100m relay yesterday, which resulted in the U.S. team achieving a world speed-record.

Stated Bernard, "I fink zat as usual, the American media is very monolingual and stupeed. In French, when we say 'smash', zat means 'come in 2nd place'. All Europeans speak many gay languages, and know what smash means. It is always a shame to see how ignorant Americans are. I actually helped them to win the race because Americans are so unpopular in the world zees days. I was doing zees Americans team a big favor because they have to suffer George Bush. In fact, I wanted to let zee Americans win, so I have done just as I predicted. Eet eez too bad zat ze media, as usual, understands nuh-sing."


When asked about the gesture he is making in the photo above, asked whether this meant "number one for France", he was noted to reply, "Don't be stupeed. I am showing the finger I am going to put in the bums of my teammates because we sometimes have group sex for fun. You are very ignorant."

Bunderkraut Admits He Had Affair

Former Dem candidate tells ABC News he lied, but denies he is baby's father

• Video: Repeated denials
• Search for more information on Bunder Kraut
  

Brett Favre Takes 1st Dump as a Jet

Hall-of-fame-to-be quarterback Brett Favre just completed his first bowel movement as a New Jersey Jet! More details to follow.

Economy?

OneEar, congratulations on that summarization of the Favre phenomenon and your suggestions for repairs. Now, aside from hanging Alan Greenspan in public for his typical governmental incompetence and near-two-decade stretch of irresponsible misreading of the economy and mis-assigning the federal interest rate, do you have other suggestions for improving the American economy? And, more importantly, can you make more money for me without requiring too much effort on my part? Thank you, you may proceed.