Tuesday, November 06, 2007

If by "foil" we mean Yin v. Yan, perhaps this is more appropriate


"Anti-OneEar"
Motion to the floor, Haebeus Corpus, Legal Mumbojumbo, etc. All voices shall be heard and duly ignored.

A Motion to the Floor: Nomination for Official Foil of Unichurck


Please submit additional nominations as appropriate, and let the hanging chads swing by their respective nooses.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Pacific Tectonic Plate on the Move Again!!

Last Tuesday, the Pacific Plate took up the baton in it's eons-old race against the North American plate. This caused homes in the San Francisco area to rattle. As a recent immigrant to the San Andreas fault, I have put some water aside and done some thinking about earthquakes and why I could do without them. I feel, therefore, basically as prepared as the local veterans. And the Legionnaires.
My biggest fear in all of this is that "the Big One" is going to occur at the precise moment that I am conducting my own morning ritual of making my "Big One".

I will not be able to grab water, drink it as fast as I can until it is gone, get under a doorframe and do all the interpretive dance moves recommended by FEMA if my colon is, how shall we say, "in motion". That is a relatively unstoppable, uninterruptable event, even if the earth moves below me. Now, were I the offspring of Alceste, the opportunity to streak across my apartment, half-naked with feces smeared all over my little body would probably carry a certain amount of defiant appeal. I have no such luck, unfortunately.

Maybe that Satan-exposer can help me with some sort of advice like his explanation of witches symbolized riding broomsticks so it would look like they had weiners and the crops would grow. That guy seems to be full of knowledge. But how in the hex did he get a "dot org" website with all that goobledy-gook? Any other takers?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Young Punkers pull it off



Brett Favray, seen in this lockeroom picture before the game, led those young punkers to an exciting OT victory last night 19-13 in the miles-high city. Of note, he is 1 year younger than OneEar. Congrats to the Wisconsians; make sure you got your medicare paperwork right, or you're on your way to prison.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Phan Male


Dear One E.,


As a faithful reader/contributor for several days now, I have a question for you. Who should I vote for in the '08 election? You seem to be full of opinions and LSD-like thought patterns.


As a form of "pre-payment" for your soon-to-follow litany of written babble some would call "advice", I will offer up this piece of "advice":


Do not see the movie "SuperBad". It is not titular irony nor vernacular; the movie is actually super bad, with an occasional funny moment here and there.


You're welcome.
Your Pal,
Anonymous

Where Did I Put My Damned Leg?

A man in North Carolina who bought a smoker at an abandoned property auction found a human leg inside. The amputee "plans to drive to Maiden, about 35 miles northwest of Charlotte, to reclaim his amputated leg, police said."

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Trouble

What does that mean exactly "Trouble"? What would happen if you got into "Trouble"?

Today we had our department picnic. When this event was first proposed at one of our department meetings, I had visions of a late afternoon affair with plenty of alcohol and good music and a relaxed atmosphere that might result in some wiling away of the early evening, chatting and playing backyard games. Maybe even a few of the women would change into cutoffs and perhaps there would be a little cleavage here and there.

Unfortunately, reality came no where close to matching my depraved sense of what should be. Reality consisted of 49 sober people sitting in the hot humid air eating burgers and checking their watches. 12:00 to 1:30--this was the official allotted time for our "picnic" I've taken lunches longer than 12:00 to1:30!!!! Who are these people that I work with? Why can't they get into a little trouble?

Thank God someone brought beer (ME!) and there was a handful of us who imbibed and tried to make it into a picnic. However at one point several of us wandered off no more than 25 feet from the main group to play that Baggo game and be merry. Upon concluding our game we turned back to the main group only to discover that they had all departed. Every last one of them had left and gone back to work! There was a handful of us who stayed and finished the beer but even they were worried about getting into trouble.

I encourage all of you to go out today and get into a little trouble.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Pron Pron Pron!!!

The First Unichurck proudly announces the proud launching of the new Praise Rusty's Occity Network. Now, whenever anyone enters "pron" into his/her/transgender's webbrowser, he/she/transgender should arrive directly at the site he/she/transgender wanted - the site dedicated to the Lord Rusty and all of his occitiness.

We'll even be launching new PRON t-shirts including sizes X, XX, and XXX.

Stay tuned pron-lovers.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Hello Lamp-post

"Where has Coco gone?" LBok asks. Good question. Maybe he is busy birthing a child.

Or maybe, just maybe the Official Site of the First Unification Church of Knowledge has failed of late to deliver enough quality timely news. Well, hint taken. Here is the very latest in knowledge.

1) A California man has sued the maker of a vitamin drink for giving him an unstoppable erection. In an unrelated story, I filed suit agains the same vitamin drink maker, but for the opposite reason.

2) A California woman who lived with 120 rats and who was hospitalized for treatment of the animal bites all over her 81 year old arms said she started with two rats but then it "got out of hand." This recalls what happened with Michael Jackson after the movie "Ben."

3) A Washington DC Judge is suing a dry cleaner for $54M because they lost his pants. Between this guy and Marion Barry, I'm getting the impression that running for office in DC might be right up my alley.

4) Principal of Catholic school in Ohio gets probation in foot-kissing case. Holloway told authorities he paid each student $15 and kissed their bare feet 50 times each in the school's library and gym to pay off the bet on a student-teacher volleyball game.
"It's going to be a long road to get back to a normal life for myself," he said.


5) Does anyone have any idea of what happened to Paris Hilton? I haven't heard anything about her in quite some time, and I'm getting worried.

Monday, May 28, 2007

More forgotten heroes...


Hong Kong Phooey, number one super guy.

Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.


He's got style, a groovy style, and a car that just won't stop.

When the going gets tough, he's really rough, with a Hong Kong Phooey chop (Hi-Ya!)


Hong Kong Phooey, number one super guy.

Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.

Hong Kong Phooey, he's fan-riffic (gong!)
(This is Mr. Phooey aiding CoCoa with slicing an orange in CoCoa's office, to cover the smell)

Readers Anxiously Await Velma Loses Her Glasses (Tres)


Well?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Temptation and "Dark" human emotions found to be the clear result of aliens



Welp, the latest Spiderman movie has hit the screets, and I'll be honest: I liked it. I guess the secret is to talk to a few people who hated it first (with any movie), and then promptly go before you start realizing the fickleness of the haters' sense of taste. With that fresh sense of "this movie is going to be yet another expensive, over-promoted Hollywood piece of crap, with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, but let's face it, I'm single and I can walk to the Fox Movie theater anytime I want", you can actually be pleasantly surprised by any form of quality that happens to show up on the screen, whether it was intentional or not.

The basic premise of the movie, aside from the requisite but nevertheless cool action scenes, was that Our Hero (Spiderman) has weaknesses. Try Kryptonite--except black, alive, but also from an alien planet. Again. His weaknesses actually make him act like a dick, but in a cool way. I think 4 out of 5 dentists would prefer the black-suited Spiderman for his cockiosity. I know I did.

But then, Eric Forman shows up. Crap. And no Fez. And no hot red-headed chick from next door, unless you want to count the movie's heroine, "MJ" as a hot red-headed chick from next door to Peter Parker. Ok, so I guess there WAS a hot red-headed chick from next door, now that I think of it. Well, at least no one was from Wisconsin. Thank God, also, that no one wanted to put Ashton Kutcher anywhere in the movie.

Die-hard Marvel Comics fans will be pleased to see that Stan Lee makes a cameo appearance as a "man on the screet", and is instantly recognizable by his horribly-lopsided post-plastic surgery hairline. Oh, well. It is the price Los Angeleans pay for a thick fur coat to impress the chicks.

So, in summary, if you expect little to nothing from this movie, you should enjoy it. And the high-tech jet-skateboard scenes from the "I'm bad I'm good I'm bad I'm your friend I stole your girlfriend I'm dead" Green Goblin Junior are actually pretty cool.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

There Goes My Hero


Watch him as he goes. One of my all-time heroes has died; the inventor of Ice-9. He had the same set of demons in his head that I do, except that he put them to work.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Lily?

How can Lily Munster die and no one says jack? Secondly, as a vampiress, how can Lily Munster die? Period. Life doesn't make any sense to me anymore.