His Highness, Rusty, leader of the newly renamed First Unification Church of Knowledge, (formerly the First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples) has announced The True Church's entree into the direct-line-to-God business. "We see this as an explosive business sector with disproportionately elevated growth opportunities and stuff, " said Rusty via his chief spokesman OneEar. "This venture provides synergistic synergies with our primary metaphysical endeavors."
The protocol is known as TRIPE, which is an acronymn for Totally Righteous Internet Phoning Etc. The TRIPE system provides free voice calls and instant messaging between a user and the Lord. TRIPE calls are encrypted using complicated equipment involving a colander, some aluminum foil, and a light coating of salmon oil. However, unlike other telephonic protocols, TRIPE provides a direct blowhorn to the ear of God. (Encryption is used so that prayers cannot be intercepted by government agencies or unauthorized deities).
TRIPE is named after tripe, the delectable, gelatinous muscular lining of a cow's stomach (sheep should never be slaughtered for this or any other purpose). Of course, there are four different types of tripe - the gras double or fat part of the cow's first belly, the light and dark sections of the second stomach, and the partial honeycomb at the extreme end.
Likewise, the TRIPE system offers 4 different calling plans - "fatty," "lighty," "darky," and "the ass." Worshippers can choose the calling plan that best suits their prayer
preferences."I have seen the future," said Rusty through his spokesman OneEar, "and it is TRIPE for all!"
*** Past performance in prayer answering is no guarantee of future results. TRIPE should not be used by the dyspeptic or goutish. Worshippers suffering from messiah complex should not use TRIPE without first consulting with themselves. TRIPE should not be used while operating a motor vehicle or a beast of burden. The manufacturers of TRIPE take no responsibility for anything whatsoever under any circumstances, conceivable or otherwise. TRIPE is a valuable registered trademark and infringement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent allowable by the laws of man and God.
4 comments:
Offices marked ¶ are provided with telephones for automatic " call " and " ring off " signals. When using instruments so fitted the act of removing receiver from the hook will call the Exchange and replacing it will give the "ring off" signal.
From offices not provided as above, "To call Exchange" turn handle sharply, take receiver off hook, place it close to ear and await reply from exchange, state number of office wanted, note that such number is correctly repeated, then listen with receiver to ear for reply from office wanted, on receipt of which give your number (and name if necessary) and commence communication; when finished hang receiver on hook, ring off by giving two rings - say one revolution of handle, twice separately with a pause of about three seconds between - to intimate to Exchange that you require disconnecting from office to which you have been speaking. Where special buttons are provided they must be pressed whilst the “ring off" signal is being given.
To answer a call when your bell rings, place the receiver to your ear and speak to transmitter, giving your number, then wait with receiver to your ear for communication. Do not ring in answer to a call.
When finished place receiver on hook and give the "ring off" signal.
If the office from which you are speaking is connected direct to the Central Exchange, the operator at that place will call up the office asked for, and no further call after the first should be necessary; but in the case of offices connected to Sub-Exchanges the person initiating the call may ring after being put through if the attention of the office wanted is not promptly given. When communicating through the Central or through more than one Sub-Exhcnage, however, it is very desirable to avoid ringing unnecessarily, as the calling ring with an answering ring may be taken by operators at the Exchanges for a "ring off."
Why can't everything, including life itself, be this darned simple?
To illustrate in written format: without clear and concise instructions I am still trying to figure out the entry mechanism on Budweiser and similarly-canned beverages.
Where in tarnation IS everybody??? Has everyone been ruptured except me?
Tell your hot-shot team members to WRITE something! This is a blogue, not a morgue.
I must be painfully lonely.
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