Man Is a Political Animal

Now I see the problem. All of the really cool, popular blogs are doing politics and ours is merely religious.

Well, I've never been one to segregate churck from state, and I've got as many opinions oozing down my inner thighs as the next person, so let's get down with some political banter. Here are my predictions for the coming year:

1. Tommy Thompson and Fred Thompson join forces as "The Thomspon Twins" - a mid-1980's new wave trio.


2. John McCain tea-bags Ron Paul in an alley after an anti-pro-in-migration rally protest.


3. Bill Frist diagnoses Adolph Giuliani with an accessory spleen.


4. Hilary Rodham Clinton gets the Dirty Sanchez from Joe Biden who later admits that he stole the idea from Screech from TV's "Saved by the Bell."


5. Barak Obama admits to using marijuana and cocaine, but the brother still can't get the black vote until he pimps his Volvo.


6. Mitt Romney's insistence on detailing how "hot" his then girl-friend was at age 15 creeps out all but the most devout Mormons.


7. Newt Gingrich's campaign is doomed when he pulls back his mask to reveal that he is, in truth, Newt Gingrich.


8. The amount John Edwards paid for a hair-cut in LA is dwarfed by the amount he paid to blow a donkey in Juarez.

FU Candidates on Your Ballots

Theocracy is all the rage these days. Some democracies create a separation between religion and government. Fortunately, in the United States, this partition has been demolished. The current evangelical craze has greased the chute, and a minority of religious fanatics is now in a position to thrust itself into the anus of power. The First Unichurck has set its brown eyes firmly on that target.

This nation was founded on religious principles: burn the witches, kill the dark skinned, own the women, beat the children. These principles were very hard on our forefathers, but, thankfully, they were willing to bear the burden. Somehow, (and I think it had to do with those damn hippies in the 1960s), our country lost its guiding light. The First Unichurck is here to torch things back to piety.

To recap, the end is coming and our society needs leaders with illogical sadistic beliefs.

I think we can help with that. The First Unichurck has developed a two-legged stool upon which to seat the doomsday government:

1. Re-education initiative. Using techniques gleaned from A Clockwork Orange, we shall re-educate television viewers with "beliefs" designed to return this great nation to the religious zealotry that we all miss so much. Computre programmers will then secretly incorporate their value system into the computer code. Which brings us to:
2. "Voting" Machines. We believe that people will accept voting machines with absolutely no record or means of corroboration. We know it sounds ridiculous, but our research shows that people can be easily convinced simply by saying, "What are you, some kind of a conspiracy theorist?"

We call this program, "Giving voters the number one and the number two," and it is signalled by showing the middle finger of first one hand and then the other in a sign of solidarity.

So remember, when you attend candidate rallies this fall, keep an eye out for the secret signal and then give em the old FU salute!

President Bush Makes Secret Trip to My Half-Bath

United States President George W. Bush made a top-secret trip to the half-bathroom off of my kitchen last night. Bush's lightning trip was cloaked in extreme secrecy and security to the extent that absolutely nobody knew about his visit. Even members of his cabinet were unaware of his visit, and the administration has not explicitly mentioned the excursion. Still, I know he was there.

Buy With a Little Help From My Friends

I need a little help here. My latest "get rich quick scheme" is to write a biography about our next President. The logistical problem, which you have probably already diagnosed, is that I don't know who to write about.

I considered writing biographies about all of the likely contenders. That, however, seemed like a lot of writing, and I don't really like to write.

Next, I considered writing a generic biography using the name "NEXTPRESIDENT" which I could then find/replace with the appropriate name. That also seemed like too much work. Plus, I like to personalize my work.

So, I am left with the only remaining solution - accurately predict the future. This too seems like too much work, so I would prefer that you do this part and I will do the rest. (I reserve the right to ask you to do some of the rest later).

Administration Begged to Suspend All Civil & Human Rights During War on Poverty

Since the 1960's, our great nation has been engaged in the "War on Poverty." This is a momentous struggle that is being fought on many fronts: from the streets of our cities to our mountains, islands and horns. This war is going to take many turns. And the enemy must be defeated on every battlefield.

Yet the povertists will not go away quietly. Povertists infest every nook and cranny unless and until they are vaccuumed out and exterminated. They hate our lifestyle and, above all, our money.

Thus, the First Unichurck is calling on the Bush administration to suspend all civil and human rights indefinitely until we are triumphant in this war on poverty. We feel that it is a small price to pay for so important of a victory. Those who are against us, the povertists and sympathizers, should be secure in knowing that we will get them. We will smoke them out and torture them until they relinquish their dedication to poverty.

But povertists find shelter in many of the civil and human rights that we would otherwise provide. We would give access to social services. We would have a judicial system that uses rhetoric about fairness and equal access to the law. We would have universal access to health care. No, scratch that last one. Anyway, these are luxuries we can no longer afford. Not with these povertists lurking among us.

For the very social services we provide create an unending cycle of lazy, welfare dependent soldiers fighting for poverty. And our judicial system is used for frivolous lawsuits which act like a lottery for the stupid and easily injured. And our universal health care system ... oh yeah.

And so, my fellow Americans, we must temporarily suspend the civil rights of all citizens in order to smoke out the povertists among us. We must all relinquish all of our freedoms, including the right to private property and the right to the income from our labor. For only when we are all poor will we be able to defeat this evil foe of poverty. It is a high price to pay, but it is definitely worth it.

Iran is the nest where many of these povertists breed, and so we must recognize Iran as the central front in our war on poverty. As we fight the enemy in Iran, every man and woman who volunteers to defend our nation deserves an unwavering commitment to the mission and a clear strategy for victory. A clear strategy begins with a clear understanding of the enemy we face.

So, as long as we are all clear, let's get on with it.