Goat Testicles A Big Hit

As most of you know, I was, in a previous life, affectionately called "The Idiot Chef." With recipies ranging from Sloppy Slop to Thumb Stew, my legacy will forever live on in the Food Hall of Famousness. But, I must admit that I cannot take credit for the latest culinary craze - Goat Testicles.

GOAT TESTICLES

Ingredients:
-2 or more goat testicles
-2 small chopped onions
-4 chilli peppers
-1 celery-
-4 potatoes
- margarine or butter
-200 gr of Brussels sprouts
Recipe:
Cook the goat balls in salted water.
Pour off the water and simmer the testicles together with the margarine, onions,
peppers, sprouts, and celery. Boil the potatoes separately and squash them with
a bit of margarine. Serve warm.

Goat Balls yum, yum.

OneEar Rescues First Unichurck From Hell

"When hell freezes over!!!" was the verdict handed down by the supreme and gracious God, Rusty. Rusty and I were reviewing my Form 10742- Application (Revised) for Reconsideration on Banishment to Gehenna - Short Form. Little did He know, I had read my Dante.

As an aside, you will find when debating Him that He does very little research any more. He has gotten intellectually lazy over the years, and you can sometimes surprise Him with concepts developed during the last 800 years.

"Excuse me, your wholliness," I said with just the right degree of deference to disguise my sarcasm. "As I recall the Inferno, Cocytus, the ninth and lowest circle of Hell is, in fact, a frozen lake." "Unless you are willing to call Dante a fiction writer, Hell has - frozen over."

Another helpful hint when debating an all-powerful being - don't get him angry. Judging by the flames coming out each of Rusty's orifices, I could tell that I was in danger of violating my own advice on this point. I had to think quickly or else yours truly was going to suffer a good old-fashioned smiting.

"Of course," I quickly interjected, "you in all of your wisdom and occity already knew this. You were testing us. Yeah, you were just testing us." He stopped mid-smite.

I continued, "You sure do move in mysterious ways," I said, "and I mean mysterious in a good way, not like you're some kind of a freak." I knew from the almost imperceptible puff of his chest that He was buying it.

I just had to close the deal - get him to ask me for the sale. "Just give us a sign of how we should honor you in order to guarantee our release from eternal damnation," I begged. He sat silently for several years. Then, the following ceremony was revealed by Ms. Pineapple:


Little Johnie Walker
Get in a big circle and say: "Little Johnny Walker walking down the street-didn't know what to do so he stopped in front of me. He said, "hey girl shake your thing, shake your thing, stop! hey girl shake your thing, shake your thing, stop!"

To start you just have one person skipping around the circle and when they get to the "hey girl shake your thing" part they stop infront of whoever they're closest to and both people do this little dance thing, it's hard to explain... but it's kind of like putting your arms in a broken T but diagonal, and just dancing around in place and shakin your stuff :D and then once the chant starts over again the original person keeps skipping and the person they danced with starts skipping to. Or sometimes if you just skipped around you can just take the spot of whoever you danced with. And it just keeps going for as long as you want!

He is Risen!

Escatologically speaking, we are fucked! The Rupture is upon us, the end times are ending, and the high times have begun.

How do we know The Rupture is upon us? Look at the teabags, my friend.

#1 - Rusty is here.
#2 - The cartoon battles are in full force.
#3 - Seven Tempos have blown seven horns while waiting for seven ducklings to cross Ronald Reagan Boulevard (which used to be Seventh Street).

"Hosanna," you're probably saying to yourself, "the great tribulation is over and God's defeat of evil is nigh." You are understandably enthusiastic about what this means for you and yourn. Not so fast my friends. I am afraid I must bear some bad news.

Granted, most Western monotheistic faiths hold that true believers will be spared God's wrath on judgment day and will instead enter the kingdom of heaven. Due to some unfortunate missteps during planning sessions and some ill-advised focus groups, our faith never adopted a heaven myth. We had every intention of creating a paradise/end of time scenario, but we just did not get around to it. We were very busy constructing our paradise-like vacation land which can be rented by the day or by the week. Paradise proper was on our "honey-do" list, but, regrettably, honey didn’t.

And so, that leaves us "out in the dark," so to speak. You can only imagine how sorry we are that you and yourn will spend eternity out here in the depths of nothingness with me and mine. But hey, let's make the best of it. It'll be like a sleepover. A really, really long, cold, dark, sleepover.

Reference materials:
Cartoon Wars – The First Unichurck Was Attacked
Rupture Reprieve
Rupture Premajaculation

Neighbor-hate Week Kickoff

“What To Expect…” Misses Expectations

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Iran, Iran So Far Away

(thanks to John McCain)
Oh, Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Bomb, bomb, Iran.
Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Bomb, bomb, Iran.

Oh, Bomb Iran.
Take my plan
And bomb Iran

You've got us thrilling and killing
blood it is a-spilling
bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran.

Went to Baghad
Thought that we'd been had
Thought "bomb Iran"
It couldn't be as bad
to bomb Iran
bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran
That is the plan

We've given you lots of rope
And a stage for your dope
Let's bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran

Tried to beat our chest,
Tried to beat our chest,
Beat our chest again but we still had a mess
Let's bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran

Da Do Run Ron

We met him on a Monday down in Tex -ass
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.
We learned he was an autopederast
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


Yah, he was from Tex-ass
Yah, an auto-pederast
And auto-fellatio
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


A man could cast his/her/transgender's vote
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.
For the black guy, the woman, or the another goat
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


Yah, he's the best in town
Yah, at coming around
The ultimate act of narcissism
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.

Lambe

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Does it increase the score
When you get laid?

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Does it increase your roar?
When you invade?

Come you little lamb of the Cretaceous period
The possibilities are a myriad.
For the use of your phallic head
May have helped you to get bred
But one thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Is it useful anymore
To serenade?

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Is it simply a hardcore
Masquerade?

Come you precursor to the modern day dickhead
Lift yourself from your prehistoric sickbed
Hold your head up high
An appendage to the sky
But one thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

One thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

T and A with S in between

You can take away my freedom
You can take my homemade scotch
You can take away my nail clips and my mousse
You can take away my condom
Pry my hands off of my crotch
Do you really think you should take away my shoes?

But you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
No you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
Like a bota of napalm
I'm a ticking, gurgling bomb
And you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut

Let's put the gas back back gastric
And the fun back in fundic
And the fan back in fantastic
Hey, Doc Bok it's for you.

You can take and break my guitar
Or at least smash up the neck
When the chimps who live in baggage do their worst.
You smash my box of cigars
You can make my bag a wreck
I really don't expect to be reimbursed

But you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
No you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
Like a bota of napalm
I'm a ticking, gurgling bomb
And you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut

Unless,
I
spew
on
you.

Phantom Feelings

You feel an itch
But you cannot scratch
Because your leg is gone

You feel a chill
That you cannot warm
Because your leg is gone

It's in a smoker at an auction
Of abandoned property
About 35 miles from Charlotte
North Caroliner
What the hell,
Why don't you get in your truck and
Go get your leg.
Oh yah, I forgot, you can't drive
Because of, you know, the leg.

You feel a pain
That you cannot quell
Because your leg is gone.

You feel damaged
But the damage
Is not that your leg is gone
It's all in your brain.

Top 10 Reasons We Don't Use Self-Deprecating Humor

#10 - Deprecates self.
#9 - Not very good at it.
#8 - Not part of Rusty's grand scheme.
#7 - Two words - orangutan scrotum.
#6 - Reminds us of Joshua Bolten.
#5 - Drives idiot traffic to site.
#4 - Drives smart people who will buy Rustywhear to site.
#3 - Not appropriate for post 9-11 world.
#2 - Not smart enough to think of 10 items.

And the number one reason we don't use self-deprecating humor:

Top 10 Reasons We Don't Post Top 10 Lists

#10 - Seems like a rip-off of Letterman.
#9 - Two words - Bacon trapeze.
#8 - Can't figure out why everyone insists on the number 10.
#7 - Seems like an excuse for timely, topical humor.
#6 - Gives Bush input on candidates to replace Andy Card.
#5 - Drives smart people who will buy Rustywhear to site.
#3 - Highlights inability to count.
#2 - Have difficulty counting backwards.

And the number one reason we don't post top 10 lists on this site:

Zombie Update

As reported in the NY Times (a newspaper):

Roaming the streets in business suits, blood dripping from their chins. Ducking through the city's parks, dodging bullets fired by the invading army of Somali schoolgirls. Rampaging through an experimental women's prison. Clawing their way out of graves, on a murderous march to reunite with the Deathbringer. And so forth.

We're talking of course about zombies. If you haven't been paying attention — and if you haven't been paying attention, heaven help you — zombies are back.

Fortunately for parishioners of the First Unichurck, you were provided with information quite some time ago about how to protect your family from zombies.

We would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate ourselves once again on the First Unichurck's leadership on this issue, on our predictive intuition and on how in tune we are with the undead. What we failed to appreciate was the link between the zombie uprising, the impending rupture, and the bird flu. The New York Times connected the dots:

"People have apocalypse on the brain right now," Mr. Brooks said. "It's from terrorism, the war, natural disasters like Katrina." Several zombie aficionados said there was a zombielike quality to the spread of the bird flu.

My mind is clearer now. At last, all too well, I can see where we all soon shall be.

Which raises the next logical question, should a zombie scene be written into the script for The Sick Scents? "Strike while the paranoia is hot," I always say*.


*Actually, I've never said that before even once, but it sounds like the kind of thing that I would always say.

Dr. Lbok Asked to Opine on Need for Bird Flu Panic

I need a little help here. A controversy has erupted over the need for panic about the bird flu. See Sven's discussion of the issue. Some say we should panic now while others say we should have panicked long ago. One would always like to know exactly when to panic, and fortunately, experts have weighed in on the matter including someone named Dr. Know.

At first I thought Dr. Know was a psuedonymn for our very own Loud but off key. However, after I read a few of her posts, I realized that she is not him. It started me to thinking, though - why not ask our very own Dr. Lbok about this bird flu issue.

From the little reading I have done on the subject, it appears that one should not have unprotected intercourse with a chicken (unless you personally know the bird to be virginal). Apparently, you also should not keep chicken in your house. I'm not clear on how you're supposed to cook it, but I guess grilling out is always an option. I believe that it is still safe to hypnotize chickens.

However, I still don't know whether my terror about this avian bird chicken flu is overdue. Dr. Lbok, I need an opinion, stat.

Clarice Jailed

Clarice the Doe, on-and-off girlfriend and one-time fiance' of Ru-D-Rude (formerly Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer), was indicted yesterday on prostitution and racketeering charges.

Tipped off by alert blogger Sven in a blog comment, Federal Investigators swarmed an abandoned Rustywhearhouse which formerly housed Spanko inventory for Rusty Enterprises. Police say Clarice's alleged prostitution and oxycontin distribution activities were headquartered at the facility.

Known for her trademark long eyelashes and the wag of her tail, Clarice long ago lost the charm that made her so appealing to a generation of TV viewers. She lived the classic rags to riches back to rags story that is unfortunately so common among the Hollywood set. As a young fawn, Clarice attained stardom in the classic TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But fame and fortune did not suit the young hoofed ruminant. The misfit toys she met during filming soon lured her into the darker shadows, she began experimenting with exotic grasses and soon fell in with a rough crowd of elk.

It was only a matter of time before Clarice began offering her own cute little tail in order to support her habits. Her hide was for sale, and there was no shortage of demand for that shammy. As time passed, she rose to the head of an international crime syndicate. Recent criminal activity attributed to her organization includes orchestrating the creation of false Swedish masturbation TV stories and financing porn star wine label projects. But selling her own crusty wares remained her personal bread and butter.

Clarice's customers now fear what she may tell investigators in a plea bargain deal. One interviewee, who asked to remain anonymous but whose name is Michael Leslie Clouse, said, "That damned doe is a liar. That hundert I gave her weren't stolen, and I don't even know her nohow!"

We will follow this story as it develops further through further developments.

Rusty Recalls 100,000 Spankos

Rusty Enterprises, in cooperation with the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, and without admitting any liability, announced yesterday the complete and immediate recall of the popular Spanko attachment to the best-selling Prankocranko obscene autocaller.

The product was originally designed and approved for sale as a self-pleasure implement for the Prankocranko machine itself. However, company officials and the USCPSC learned that the Spanko has been used by increasing numbers of consumers as an infant mobile. Apparently the Spanko's gyrating action and gently whirring sound were remarkably soothing to children.

Unfortunately, whenever a product is used for an unintended purpose, unanticipated injuries can occur. The Spanko self-pleasuring device should not be placed in a crib with a baby under any circumstances!! Consumers should return their units to the nearest Rustyland outlet at their earliest convenience for a pro-rated credit for other Rustuff.

Coco Receives Prestigious Award

As eloquently reported in the Tampa Tribune;

"Coco might have looked a little sheepish, if not for the jaunty black top hat and purple tuxedo. With her black face cloaked in green fabric and front hooves sporting white gloves, the year-old Hampshire ewe managed a competent impersonation of Jiminy Cricket - even if her costume designer was less than pleased with the effect.
"She looks more like an alien band leader," said (the idiotic) Nancy Squitieri, whose 10-year-old son, David, came decked out as Pinocchio. The judges, however, were impressed with her handiwork. ...(Coco) took home a second-place ribbon for best overall theme Tuesday at the Florida Strawberry Festival's annual lamb costume contest."

Needless to say, we at Rusty Enterprises and the First Unichurck are very, very proud of our little lamb. The Florida Strawberry Festival hosts one of the most grueling and competitive lamb costume contests in the greater Tampa Bay area. Some would even say it is the premier lamb costume contest in Northern Florida (excluding the panhandle).

Coco's tight fitting royal violet tuxedo, accented by her elegant long white gloves and stylish tophat indeed presented a magnificent spectacle. But more than what she wore, it was how she wore it that won over judges. Like a seductive Lolita, Coco demurely peeked from behind her emerald veil, batted those long, Clarice the Doe-like eyelashes, and then, ever so subtley shook her tail. The crowd went wild. All that one can say is, "Encore?"

Rusty Launches "Got Gelatin????" Ad Campaign

As noted above in the headline, Rusty has launched the "Got Gelatin????" Advertising campaign. This is because, according to Rusty, "eating gelatin is OK!"



















Contrary to popular belief, gelatinous substances, made through the partial hydrolysis of collagen extracted from animal ligaments, cartilage, bones and skin, are not merely good eating. Gelatin is also used by synchronized swimmers to hold their hair in place and as a binder when making matches.

Through the "Got Gelatin????" campaign, Rusty Enterprises hopes consumers will think about some of these wonderful alternative uses the next time they are making theirgelatin purchases.

ORDER MORE Rustywhear

FU Weekly

Rusty says, Eating Gelatin is OK!

Kay said,
"gelatin is not kosher in case you were concerned"

Dear Kay,

These arbitrary dietary rules and restrictions are just another reason to leave you Old World Religion behind and join up with Rusty's First UnichurK. Rusty not only permits the consumption of gelatin, but he encourages it. In fact, Rusty Enterprises in one of the world's leading suppliers of gelatin and gelatin-like products.

What makes Rusty's gelatin so special? Well, as you may or may not be aware, gelatin is made from "cowlagen"…and Rusty Enterprise uses only the purest source of cowlagen –COWS! To find out more about how we process our cows in our state-of-the-art rendering facility located in beautiful Charlestown, MA, and to discover why Rusty Enterprises has earned the title "the Gentle Renderer," click here.

Many companies may say that their most valuable asset is their employees but at Rusty Enterprises we know it's true…especially since our entire staff consists of Abu Gogo workers who are prized for their small features and keen sense of smell, and who are also easily tricked into contracts of long servitude. The Abu Gogo oversee the processes that transforms various cow elements into assorted Rusty gelatin and gelatin-like products and you can learn more about that here.

So, Kay, when it comes to gelatin we encourage you to gather as much information as possible and then come out to one of Rusty's First UnichurK ceremonies where you can sample a Gummy Lamb. We promise you won't burn in Hell and the first one is free.

"Let he whose sins have been absolved throw stones at everyone else."

Dear Followers;

For the last several periods of time, along with our music and ministry endeavors, Rusty has called upon us to pioneer a religious business endeavor to support and fund our ministry efforts. By Rusty's grace, this has grown into a fairly substantial enterprise, Rusty Enterprises Corporation Limited Inc., a very very limited liability company (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchange).

Our business plan is Jeremiah 33:1-11 - reveal things we do not know, restore the wealth of the land to us, and cause the nations of the earth to tremble. Unfortunately, conventional lending institutions do not accept this business plan. I hope they enjoy the eternal hellfires of damnation.

Despite the hurdles placed before us by non-believers, banks, and other materialists, RUE has grown supernaturally. As Rusty's prophets have been prophesying in many prophesies, Nothing's gonna turn us back now, straight ahead and on the track now. We're gonna make our dreams come true, doin' it our way!"

RUE is, indeed, doin' it our way, and our way is Rusty's way. RUE's success is part of Rusty's grand plan for the universe, and we therefore ask that you pray for our success - pray in the form of giving us your money.

As Rusty revealed to his disciples in the Clown Squad's award winning musical, Salmon Boy, "Don't sell sex, sell religion!" Rusty revealed the corollary is this commandment, "Thou shalt buy religion and all of its accoutrements including the Rusty thong, the Baaaa if you love Rusty bib and other Rustywhear."

Granted, Rusty is less concise and more crass than some other deities, but that does not denigrate the truth of his wisdom whatsoever.

Rusty shall guide us out of the wilderness of original sin to the all-inclusive resort of righteousness. We solemnly bow our heads together and pray - pray that Rusty will grant you the wisdom and the courage to recognize how important it is for you to buy each and every RUE product for each and every person that you know. RUE shall succeed because it must succeed. I would not recommend trying to argue against that logic or you will find yourself in the scalded company of a certain group of bankers.

Fine Rustywhear Merchandise

New York City wrote:
My very chic Rusty sweatshirt arrived today, fine American Apparel quality and quite snug fitting. When they say small they mean small... (My spouse) is insanely jealous that he does not have a Rusty outfit of his own yet. Maybe if he is lucky for his birthday. I hope the proceeds are going to help famine relief in Darfur or some other worthy cause and not going into some giant Rusty hedge fund.

New York, thank you for counting yourself among our satisfied customers. We do employ the starving people in Darfur for garment sizing purposes. Fear not about the hedge fund. We are leveraging the proceeds by investing on Dances With Wool to show in the third race at Belmont.

It is never too early to ORDER MORE Rustywhear

RUE Enters Government Contracting

Q: What is the timeframe, Mr. Dumsfeld?
A: Civil war, what civil war? Who said anything about a civil war? War is not "civil," and there is no war - there is an unending struggle of the righteous against the wrongteous. Now, pay attention: when Mickey's yellow hand is on the 6, I will need for you to give me another $91B US.


Carefully analyze the above exchange. What is the lesson? Ronald Dumsfeld is concealing something? His watch is broken? No. The lesson is that we need to figure out how to get some of that honey.

According to Pentagon audits, Halliburton and its subsidiaries’ Iraq reconstruction work has, thus far, shown $1.5 billion in "questioned" or “unsupported” charges.

Rusty Enterprises, a faith-based initiative, proposes to contract with the US Government for only $1.47 Billion in unsupported questionable charges, thus saving the US taxpayers $10 million.

We hope to enlist the assistance of Joe Allbaugh, former head of FEMA (President Bush’s campaign manager in 2000) who now lobbies for Iraq (and Katrina) reconstruction contracts. Our expectation is that he will see to it that Rusty Enterprises is the successful low bidder for this project. We have allocated $15 million of the missing $20 million to his exploratory committee.

We will need to put in some long hours to dream up $1.47 Billion in unsupported questionable charges, but I am confident that the team at Rusty Enterprises is up to the task.

Blogger Tires of Working - Resumes Dicking Around

In a surprise move today, renowned blogger OneEar, Chief Chief Chief of Rusty Enterprises Corporation, Ltd. and High Priestest of the First Unification ChurcK, became bored and resumed blogging activities.

OneEar has discovered The Earfarm/ which is a music-related site dedicated to the restoration of ears. Rusty will be very interested in learning about this. Very interested. the fluffies and the Clown Squad will be contacted to see if they have any new material to submit to this site.

This empire is growing like a giant fungus.

How about the name Marsh Room and the Fun Guys?

Blogger to Attempt to Get Some Work Done

New York Falls For Rustywhear

"Rustidation" is defined as the addition of Rustywhear to a wardrobe resulting in a corresponding increase in hep. It is a phenomena that is taking the nation by storm, and the eye of the fashion hurricane appears to be New York City. One consumer writes:

"I am amazed by the wide range of Rusty merchandise available, your church and blog must be generating a steady stream of revenue so you can extend your empire. I think it will be perfect for Christmas/Channukah/Kwaanza gifts in 2006. A sheep bathed in drool is hard to resist. Especially love the magnets..." - Donnygirl

As I advised Donnygirl, the Rusty Empire is not nearly as extensive as she supposes. Empire-building is no easy task. However, Rustians do surpass the ancient Romans in the number of refrigerator magnets offered for sale. Now, if only we knew someone in LA. Think......think....

Elephant Leg More Exciting Than Camel Toe

You think the camel toe is interesting??? Wait until you see the elephant leg!!! Picture this beauty in a red garter, glittery nail polish and open-toed high heeled spikes. You want to talk sexy?

This and more can be seen in person at the National Museum of Health and Medicine in DC.

Blogger Surprised by Camel-Toe Popularity

Although I am a renowned prognosticationist, I must confess that I had no idea that the subject of camel toes would so predominate the discussion on this most holy of blogs. It just goes to prove the old adage, "Confessional crotch-talk, stood on its head, is professional crotch-talk." Truer trueness was never undenied.

However, I feel that it is time to put our crotches away (and put on some underwhear, for God's sake ORDER your Rusty boxer shorts and thongs HERE).

We need to focus -
TO DO
1) find camera - check.
2) prepare for the Rupture - check
3) Sell some books - check
4) write award winning movie script - check
5) open Game Farm - check
6) save the world - check

Wait a minute - I think we're done.

Camera Found!!

Bishop Busty Foxxx has pulled off another miracle. Where the Louisiana State Senate and the State of Rhode Island both failed, Bishop Foxxx succeeded - He found Cocoa's camera!!

You will recall that Cocoa lost his camera in New Orleans. We enlisted the assistance of the Louisiana State Senate and Providence, Rhode Island, but neither was of any assistance. Charlie thought he had found it once before, but he hadn't. We all moved on about our lives in quiet resignation and the subject turned to camel toes, as it often does. Suddenly, "Eureka!" The Camera appeared to Bishop Foxxx.

Bishop Foxxx posted the first two frames at Camel Toe Sighting and equal-opportunity-camel-toe.

Now we can get back to work.

Rusty Enterprises to Team Up with Opticians for RustyVision

Traditional direct marketing campaigns can be annoying.

They range from annoying door-to-door salesmen to annoying friend-to-neighbor saleswomen to annoying mass mailings to annoying phone solicitations to annoying spam emails. The common denominator in all of these techniques. They are annoying.

In a effort to boost lagging sales of The Pretty Good Book and Rustywhear, Rusty Enterprises has entered into an alliance with the American Society of Struggling Opticians. ASSO opticians have agreed to place Rusty Enterprises slogans on the inside of people's glasses and contact lenses where they will be seen during every waking hour.

ASSO officials assure the public that the advertising is safe and effective, and that having specs of images and text constantly in your field of vision will be less annoying than the above-mentioned sales techniques.

Rusty Enterprises (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchange) shares rose sharply on the news.

Rusty Worms Into Big Apple

Contacted to comment on a particular debate involving camel-toe-eating, a friend of The True Church who happens to reside in Manhattan, NY appears ready and willing to introduce Rustywhear, America's latest and, to date, greatest fashion craze, to Madison Avenue. She wrote:

"I am so excited to discover Rusty merchandise for sale, what a marketing opportunity for you to make your fortune on Cafe Press. I feel strongly that I must make a purchase to support all of your efforts in the community"...Kay

Now, if only we knew someone in Los Angeles, we could begin the classic marketing Pincer movement (the Sun Tzu "path of escape" will be Detroit).

ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

Don't forget the Pretty Good Book.

Crisis Uncricified!

Parishioners have been deeply concerned about the condition of dear Bishop Busty Foxxx. The pressing concern, "would he have to move to Detroit?" A few backdroppings might be in order: Bishop Foxxx was assigned to reign over the desert, the Sonoma Desert. Unfortunately, Bishop Foxxx lives in the Sonora Desert. He quickly became justifiably concerned with the jurisdictional entanglements arising from such a typographical error.

Bishop Foxxx was under the misconception that the Sonoma Desert is North and East of San Francisco. Fortunately, he is wrong. We have learned that the Sonoma Desert is a golf course in Las Cruces, NM. Apparently, it is somehow akin to the Bermuda Triangle, according to some other guy. Sonoma Desert akinship to Bermuda Triangle.

Therefore, parishioners need not be concerned about moving to Detroit. Vanishing planes and alien landings remain a cause for anxiety.

Secretary Needed

My assistant has submitted her notice of resignation due to a difference of opinion between us about the answer to the question, "Who is a prick?" Qualified candidates interested in an exciting opportunity in a growing field are encouraged to submit resumes with references, salary expectations, saliva, hair, tissue and blood samples, and a photograph.

Minimum qualifications include:

• Ability to type several words per minute.
• Telekinetic aptitude.
• Aversion to clothing.
• Affinity for gerbils.
• Must like to play "precocious schoolgirl," "naughty nurse," and "dead senator."
• Should be a "people person, " although a qualified "sheep person" may be considered.
• Interest in our business also useful.

This position is open to all in compliance with Federal and State equal employment statutes, and candidates will be considered fairly and equally regardless of race, creed or gender or whether they have large hoohaas.

Code Rojo - Honorary Clown Down

It seems as though Charlie may be in trouble.

http://charliecallahan.blogspot.com/2006/02/time-out.html

One Got Fat

Remember the child safety movie with the monkey kids? It was called, "One Got Fat," and it is available for your viewing pleasure. Thanks to Sven for providing the legwork in locating this forgotten gem. It takes a while to download or to stream , but it is worth the wait.

Get Your Abu Gogo COLLECTOR'S Sticker (Oval)

NOW AVAILABLE!!!!!!!

Abu Gogo COLLECTOR'S Sticker (Oval)


Climb on board the latest and, to date, greatest bandwagon in the USofA. The Abu Gogo craze!

Call me patriotic, but I say that these United States of America have produced some of the most wonderful product concepts known to man. Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Chia? Well, here is another product that is certified to be no less ridiculous!!!

Don't be the last one of your friends (you are one of your friends, aren't you?) to conform. As I have said many times,10,000 lemmings can't be wrong. Order yours today.

ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

**Offer not valid in Arkansas or anywhere else with 0% literacy. Offer subject to availability and producer cannot take responsibility for acts of God.

Home Riot Program Undergoes Name Change

You may recall that I recently expressed the sentiment, "If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up!? (original post) I then revealed my new Home Rioting program which was referred to as DI_ (fill in the blank with a Y).

Well, it turns out that a certain three letters of the alphabet constitute a trademarked trademark. We all learned how complicated intellectual property law can be during Coco's unsuccesful efforts to trademark water. You can pick your battles, as they say, but you can't pick your friend's nose. Having said that, the program will be renamed. Yes, I am caving in to the bowers that pee. But I will make lemonade out of this piss.

We now offer exclusive franchising opportunities in "Cozy Expressions Home Rioting." This is more of a pyramid system than a Ponzi scheme, although it does contain the benefits of both. We promise you will never have to work a day in your life again. You'll spend your leisure time trashing your living room and trying to cajole your friends and loved ones into joining. What could be better? And you can Do It ALL Yourself.

Test of Advance Warning About RupturE broadcast system

Rustianist officials have announced that they will be conducting a test of the AWARE rupture warning system. People, (one), have been worried that the Rupture might have occurred unbeknownst to them (him). Fear not!

The AWARE broadcast system has been implemented to preclude just such an occurrence. Each subscriber will receive a specially coded email message indicating the following details: 1) Whether the Rupture is upon us, and 2) How many minutes until we all perish. From this information, subscribers can make an informed decision about whether to attempt one last sexual encounter or to simply opt for a quick visit to some porn sites for a masturbation session. In the worst case scenario, subscribers will simply receive the old chestnut of a sentiment, "bend over and kiss your ass goodbye."

The AWARE system will be tested beginning tomorrow at 6:45 am and running for the next 94 days. It is the sincere hope of everyone at Rusty Enterprises that the actual Rupture does not occur during testing, because that will screw everything up.



Testes, testes, is this thing working? Guilfoyle.

Rustianist Manifesto

Workers of the world unite!


A spectre is haunting the physical world -- the spectre of Rustianism. All the powers of old corporality have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spirit: Bush and Coca-Cola, Wal-Mart and Martha Stewart. Why are the powerful so vehemently opposed to unbridled Rustiosity? We must ask ourselves, where is the party? Where is the bean dip?





What shall come to pass?

• Abolition of primate property. All privates shall be public.
• Progresso income tax. Anyone earning soup income incurs a hearty, man-sized tax.
• Repeal of the death tax repeal.
• Nationalization of the means of reproduction. All sperm emitters employed by the federal government.
• Destruction of the middling class.
• Free love (or at least 2 for 1).

This is not one choice of many, and it cannot be denied; It is a historical imperative, a dialectic that cannot be undialecticified, a conclusion that is foregone. This has already happened, although in a future time. Prepare yourselves for a new age!

Details will follow in the forthcoming das Krapital.

Rusty Launches TRIPE Voice Over Internet To God

His Highness, Rusty, leader of the newly renamed First Unification Church of Knowledge, (formerly the First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples) has announced The True Church's entree into the direct-line-to-God business. "We see this as an explosive business sector with disproportionately elevated growth opportunities and stuff, " said Rusty via his chief spokesman OneEar. "This venture provides synergistic synergies with our primary metaphysical endeavors."

The protocol is known as TRIPE, which is an acronymn for Totally Righteous Internet Phoning Etc. The TRIPE system provides free voice calls and instant messaging between a user and the Lord. TRIPE calls are encrypted using complicated equipment involving a colander, some aluminum foil, and a light coating of salmon oil. However, unlike other telephonic protocols, TRIPE provides a direct blowhorn to the ear of God. (Encryption is used so that prayers cannot be intercepted by government agencies or unauthorized deities).

TRIPE is named after tripe, the delectable, gelatinous muscular lining of a cow's stomach (sheep should never be slaughtered for this or any other purpose). Of course, there are four different types of tripe - the gras double or fat part of the cow's first belly, the light and dark sections of the second stomach, and the partial honeycomb at the extreme end.

Likewise, the TRIPE system offers 4 different calling plans - "fatty," "lighty," "darky," and "the ass." Worshippers can choose the calling plan that best suits their prayer preferences.

"I have seen the future," said Rusty through his spokesman OneEar, "and it is TRIPE for all!"





*** Past performance in prayer answering is no guarantee of future results. TRIPE should not be used by the dyspeptic or goutish. Worshippers suffering from messiah complex should not use TRIPE without first consulting with themselves. TRIPE should not be used while operating a motor vehicle or a beast of burden. The manufacturers of TRIPE take no responsibility for anything whatsoever under any circumstances, conceivable or otherwise. TRIPE is a valuable registered trademark and infringement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent allowable by the laws of man and God.

Wing Sings Elvis

Why can't you guys make a record like this?



In the Ghetto

Onward Rustian Soldiers

Win, lose, or draw, the old saying goes. My fellow Rustians, draw we shall!

As feared, the Cartoon Crusades are showing no signs of erasure, and those on the front lines are, in fact, lines - lines making up cartoon drawings, that is. How bad has it gotten? Consider that protesters in Tehran, threw firebombs at the French Embassy and shattered all of the windows. "Down! Down with France!" the crowd chanted. They do have a point there.

But other protesters have been much less sensible in their fire-bombings. Today, for example, some infidel flipped me the bird just because I turned left directly in front of him from the far right lane without signalling. Talk about religious insensitivity! The caricatures of Rusty with a bomb-shaped sausage being sodomized by a bomb-shaped pickle are also offensive. Not only that, they violate our trademarks and licensing agreements which clearly state, "No image shall be constructed wherein the registered deity is sodomized by any bomb-shaped object." We're working on obtaining an injunction.

In the meanwhile, our cartoon counter-offensive has shown tremendous success. We are attempting to depict Rusty as the vibrant, loveable, eternal, omnipotent, cool sheep that he is. Our strategy is to appeal to the youth - youth are the future. We have developed "HolySheep!" baby rattles and spit-up rags to add to our "Baaaa if you love Rusty" line of products. See Rusty bib and Rusty thong at ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

A Call To Arms - And the Other Body Parts Too

"Why are we running from this fight? Nothing good comes of those who wait. Let's assemble our team and see where this leads.

If prospective disciples could indicate any special Rupture competition skills they possess, this may speed up the membership paperwork. (Also, please indicate planned dish for passing)."

Cardinal cocoa_no_gogo.

Newly Annointed Bishop Busty Foxxx Opens Sonoma Desert Branch

The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has expanded Westward and Downward with the addition of its Sonoma Desert branch founded by newly annointed Bishop Busty Foxxx. See Holy Book of Levitations

Bishop Foxxx will oversee construction, destruction, reconstruction and deconstruction activities for the new facilities. Facilities will include a training ground for cartoonists in preparation for the rapidly escalating Cartoon Crusades. Unfortunately, the project is running over budget, so The Church will need to expand fundraising efforts. Whatever you were giving before, they are asking that you double it.

Church leader Russell Lobuna, speaking through his chief spokesman OneEar, indicates that expansion plans are expanding according to plan. "We expect great things out of Busty, Rusty would like to say," said OneEar (me). "Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books."

Church Under Attack

The gauntlet has been dropped, dear followers, and the True Church is under attack. The latest barrage of assault comes in the form of cartoons. Yes, cartoons, for God’s sake. This is no Beetle Bailey cartoon attack, this is pure Hagar the Horrible.

If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up! First, we had to suffer through attacks by Hollywood and the secular media – “Rusty, Rusty Superstar,” and “The Last Temptation of Rusty,” to name just a few (actually, a couple). Just because a few bishops may have gotten a little too cozy with a few lambs doesn’t give anyone the right to label us “Sheepf^ck$rs.”

Enough is enough (contrary to what I wrote in my famous treatise “Is Enough Really Enough?”). Now is time for countermeasures, and the most productive response I can think of is a riot. Because many of us have real lives as well, it is unrealistic to try to get all followers together for a traditional riot.

Instead, I have devised a revolutionary new concept in rioting – The DIY Home Riot. On Saturday at 2:44am (just after bar time), we will all simultaneously trash our own living rooms in a powerful united show of force. Please RSVP your availability to riot so that we can get a rough head count.

Moment of Reflection - What Becomes the Clown Squad?

Consider:

Is the Salmon Boy concept truly integrated? He is both a Boston lawyer who wears pantyhose on his head and nervously cups his balls through his pants pocket AND a wacked out West Coast environmentalist who loves oxygen. Why is he the main character in a rock opera about commercialism?

Is the Erik character believable? He is somehow related to the AbuGogo, but he looks like Rasputin due to the goats’ asses on his face. Are these inconsistent? Is it possible that anyone, even a half-human, could sing that badly? Will he get laid? How do the zombies fit into this picture? How about the cheerleaders?

What are the ramifications if the Wookie is a leaker?

Do all dogs enjoy pig's heads? What about the pig people?

What rank is Allen? Why is he so angry? What makes the car go?

Will Mike ever get his camera back? How about his head?

When seated before Santa Claus on judgment day, will we believe? Does Charlie believe?

What becomes the The Clown Squad?

Rupture Postponement Pending Membership Initiative

The forthcoming end of the World, colloquially known as "The Rupture" will need to be postponed while we complete ongoing membership enhancement efforts. The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has begun its Spring membership drive, and members are encouraged to bring a guest and a dish to pass.

All expendable prayer requests should be used for our efforts to convince the Lord to postpone The Rupture. Prayers for otherwise worthwhile causes, such as racial harmony, world peace, or particular sporting teams, should be deferred for the time-being in favor of pleas for Rupture postponement. We really need much more time for proselytizing and book sales. Try not to get corn-holed into requesting a particular date. Just say, “we humbly ask Thee, in all Thy graciousness and occity, for an extension.” Remember, the first person to state a number loses the negotiation. If you find yourself in a bind, just say, “I’ll get back to you.”

Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books.

FOR THOSE WITH GAME FARM RESERVATIONS - Please see Rupture Rebate Policy

Inventions needed

I have decided to resume my practice as an inventor. All I need is one or two good ideas.

Does anyone have any good ideas for things that need to be invented?

Long Live UB313 - Down with Pluto

Pluto is a piece of crap! UB313 (Xena) is 700km larger in diameter, has a moon, and a certain je ne sais que. I say, when you cast your vote at the IAU meeting in August, you cast it for UB 313 as the NINTH planet! Pluto is a poser! I'm not even going to make a Uranus joke, because I am so confident in my position about Xena vis-a vis Pluto.

Tenth planet, my ass! The Bible says that the solar system has 9 planets. I don't know what kind of vood00 crystal worshipping you are wrapped up with, but get over it. Otherwise, have fun in your ten planet fantasy universe, Pluto-lover.

Bush Declares War on Goat-boys, Pig People

In his state of the union address tonight, President Bush declared open season on our own beloved goat-boy and the pig people project overseen by Captain Allen.

• "A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners, and that recognize the matchless value of every life. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research — human cloning in all its forms ... creating or implanting embryos for experiments ... creating human-animal hybrids ... and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator — and that gift should never be discarded, devalued, or put up for sale."

Obviously, the President faces a stiff uphill battle in Congress. He will face off against the powerful cross-breeders lobby and other dominant chimera-related special interests. It appears that the President is truly out of touch with the general will of the Amercian people on this one.

GET YOUR RUSTY AND THE PIG PEOPLE "SO SAD" T=SHIRT

der Rustige?

I fear that I have intimidated the skittish participants and silenced the clownchatter through my public postings of their innermost correspondence. My apologies.

The Sick Scents - Not Quite Right

Something is not quite right.

You didn't include a scene where time stops, the universe implodes into a singularity, and everyone gets judged. Please repair this omission. (I realize it will pose some technical challenges, but let Rusty deal with that).






For a historical retrospective, see:

http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/movie-script.html
http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/sick-scents-rewrite.html

Love Thine Neighbor - A Note to My Neighbors

Many are searching the internet for prayers appropriate for armageddon. I offer this old Scottish blessing, modified slightly, for your consideration:

May those who love me love me,
And may the Lord rain His blessings upon them.
And those who do not love me,
May the Good Lord smite those motherfuckers
And burn their blistered asses in the eternal fires of Hell.

Amen

Hottest Year Ever!

Scientists have "proven" with their science what televangelists already knew - Hell on Earth is approaching - and fast. 2005 was the "hottest year ever" according to a note passed by Harriet Myers during study hall.

Hamas won a surprise majority in the Palestinian elections. Israel's safety is off, and it is half-cocked.

My neighbor's damned dog won't stop yipping.

One can hardly ignore the signs any longer. The Rupture is now, officially, impending.

You had better buy The Book now before it is too late! (Just to be safe, buy two copies).

Book Tops Amazon 1,268,022 Seller's List

Many bibliophiles log on in the early hours of dawn to find out which book is Amazon's 1,268,022 best seller. This morning, the surprise winner of the honor went to What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner!

Squeaking ahead of such formidable contenders as FATS (Food Facts) and Contrast-Enhanced Ultrasound in Clinical Practice : Liver, Prostate, Pancreas, Kidney and Lymph Nodes (Paperback), Shoes built upon its growing cult following among foot fungus fetishists to creep into the coveted 1,268,022 position.

Reviews have been glowing. One reviewer, obviously starved for more, commented only "too short." Another commentationerist could barely contain his excitement when writing, "What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I is one of those very few books." Well, said.


To order your copy, see link below:
ORDER What Color is My Pair of Shoes Vol I from Amazon.com

Nearly Perfect, Book Reviewer Implies

What Color Is My Pair of Shoes? Vol 1 Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner is being hailed by critics and people alike:

The book has been described as "that funny-looking bone," and writing which "literally oozes pathos and bathos—especially the latter, since I dropped the book by mistake in my dirty bathos water." http://charliecallahan.blogspot.com/2006/01/what-color-is-my-pair-of-shoes-vol-i.html

Based upon these sentiments, copies of What Color Is My Pair of Shoes? Vol 1 Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner are selling like virtual online mail-order hotcakes!

In order to capitalize on this sales success, we will be seeking to postpone the Rupture while we cash in. If anyone has any particular influence with the Allmighty, or knows someone who does, please pass along a name so that our request can be considered in a timely fashion.

To order your copy, see link below:
ORDER What Color is My Pair of Shoes Vol I from Amazon.com

Rupture Rebate Policy

We regret to inform you that there will be NO GAME FARM REBATES on account of the impending Rupture. Due to circumstances beyond our control, and in accordance with our corporate policy, we are unable to process any requests for rebates based upon the perceived or actual end of the planet. Please accept our sincere apologies, and don't hesitate to contact us for future reservations (only if there is no discontinuation of time, etc.)

Ear Found at Harvard Bridge - Still No Sign of Camera

The Rupture is Upon Us!!!!!!!

Rusty is coming.

Smell Ya Later

I'm quitting the band. Last night I went to the jam, you know, the one across the street. As usual, I ended up playing the bass because, as usual, I was the worst guitar player in the room.

Nonetheless, I have a good time when I go, and they always give me free beer which is one of my favorite brands. They have a "table tapper" which holds 110 oz and includes a frozen dildo-looking thing that keeps it cold. But, I digress.

I'm quitting the band. Last night, there was a female singer who showed up, and I am going to make her a *Star*. Her name was something, she is in her 20s, and she has an exotic accent. When I asked her from where she is, she said several words which led me to conclude that she is probably from Poland or East Germany. After concluding that it really doesn't matter, I elected not to pursue the subject.

Forget about her nationality, you've got to hear her chops. When she got up on stage, she asked the guys if they could play several songs. I think I understood the words she was saying, but none of them sounded like songs of which I had heard. Eventually, consensus arrived at "Highway to Hell." I probably haven't listed to AC/DC since 10th grade, but I have to say that the song does rock. And the eastern girl TORE IT UP! She proceeded to sing 3 or 4 songs that nobody knew, but somehow she carried it. It sounded - -- good.

This is when the lightbulb shattered in my brain. Epiphany. A band should have a singer.

Rusty Sessions 2006

Rusty Sessions 2006
There is a lot of work to do in time for the Rusty Sessions of 2006.

To regurgitate, we are going to be celebrating Mike the Headless Chicken Festival but not on the right date. The Sessions will be held at Coco's house sometime in June (or Memorial Day weekend if Ono gets his shit together). I will arrange for a film crew.

Schedule:

Friday:

8am-6pm - Arrival, registration, ice-breaker.
6pm-7pm - Dinner, furniture-breaker.
7pm-11pm- Perform 1/3 of each and every song we know.
11pm-11:45pm- try to explain noise and odor to neighbors.
Midnight -1:30am- try to explain noise and odor to police.

Saturday:
1:30am-4am - Pile into vehicle for some unknown reason and head for bar. Get lost, stop at different bar, make asses of selves, get escorted out, stop for pancakes or burritos.
4am-9am - sleep.
9am-Noon - Finalize Bylaws over breakfast and bloodies.
Noon-12:10 - call wives, discuss how much we miss them/how bad we are for leaving them with the kids who are sick (LBok, you can skip this step).
12:15-2:33 - Spades (LBok, you can find something to do.)
2:34-5:17 - Lose track of time.
5:18- 5:26 - Further discussions with neighbors and police. Explain theory that the Big Bang is an urban legend.
5:27-8:15 - Live performance of Salmon Boy (20 minute intermission).
8:16-8:19 - Final reassurances of future quiet to police.
8:20-1:13 - pile into vehicle to avoid further bothering neighbors, head for that bar again. Bring along 1 guitar to thoroughly piss off everyone who is trying to listen to the juke-box.
1:14 - It starts to get pretty blurry here.

Sunday

10:17am - LBok unveils his clone of OneEar
10:18am - All stand in awe.
10:19-12:44- Live performance of "The Sick Scents.
12:45 - Go home


We need to schedule some time for worship and some time for spontaneity

First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples

The schism in the church has been resolved. It has been revealed that God really did create "day" before creating "the sun," but it was a dark day. So, we were both right. Only WE were a little more right.

Buzz Bessette Fan Club - A Lounge Lizard's Lizard

Buzz Bessette was born in El Paso, Texas. His father, an organist and trombone player in the Continental Army Band, and his mother, an organist and drummer, imbued him with the love of music early on.

Buzz began his professional music career after high school when he performed with such acts as George and the Diminished 5th, Dawn of Atlantis show band and the 50's rockers, The Stingrays. Diversifying his style, he performed with the East Coast Express Jazz Band in the legendary Orion's Roof Club in Virginia Beach. Later he began studying classical piano with Ila Bovee.

He was held in captivity as a "lounge lizard" for over 16 years. Call Guinness! He performed over 4500 shows at one venue! Buzz began performing for the Showcase in the 2004 summer show, "wowing" us with his phenomenal keyboard and vocal skills.

http://www.outerbanksmusicshowcase.com/cast.htm



http://www.crowdband.net/BuzzBio.html

1 Man Band/ Keyboardist Buzz Bessette
Physical Address:1000 Colington Road Kill Devil Hills, NC 27948
Mailing Address:PO Box 6 Kill Devil Hills, NC 27948

Do NOT Join The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God

"The one true church" is The New Unification Church of Oneear's Gloriful Occity of God's Oneness (NUCO-GOGO) Do NOT be fooled into joining the New Unification Church of Oneear's Good and Holy Disciples of God (NUCO-GAHDOG). They are a bunch of phonies and heathens!

The one true church, NUCO-GOGO, holds to the core truths and does not get sidetracked in superstition and personal vendetta. Witness: There is one eternal God, a bearded carpenter, who had 3 distinct simultaneous identities: A father, a son and a ghost.

Witness: it was said that the son's mother never had sex with his dad leaving the only remaining possibility that the baby was conceived of God's sperm. And so, we drink his blood and eat his flesh and other essentials that are clarified in the Scriptures.

If the "church" you attend does not hold to these essential beliefs, you are in a cult! There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. No matter what name they use, they are not a church! This is not my opinion; it is a fact clearly explained by the writings of some of the carpenter's friends.

I wouldn't trust The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God as far as I could throw them. Booo to NUCO-GAHDAG!!!!!!! They are impostors.

Please, save yourself the inconvenience of damnation for all eternity - join the one true church (NUCO-GOGO not NUCO-GAHDAG).

Prerapture

Many have recognized that the rapture is upon us.
See http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html the Rapture index

But they are misguided. What is forthcoming is not the true rapture but rather a rapturefeit. The rapture has been correctly predicted but at the wrong time. When the false rapture occurs, many will not understand that it is a fake, and they will think that rapture is upon us. When the rapture does not truly occur, they will become angry and will be ridiculed, and this will split people into two tribes, the last precursor of the true Rupture which will follow shortly thereafter. It is pretty basic.


"These are they which follow the One Eared Lamb whithersoever He goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the first fruits unto God and to the One Eared Lamb" (Revelations 14:4).



Sign up for my "Rupture Notification" if you would like for me to let you know when the true final rapture is upon us. I will circulate a mass email to let everyone know. (Make sure you adjust your email filter settings).

Roles for The Sick Scents

Now that the script is finished, we just need to assign roles so we can all learn our lines. I propose the following:
Actor -> Character
OneEar->Ono
Ono->LBok
Colyp->Colyp
LBok->Coco
Coco->Grumpy Sarge
Quinn -> Little Boy
Stan -> Abu Gogo


Note: Ono has been reinserted into the script on a probationary basis.
Script http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/sick-scents-rewrite.html
---------------
Anonymous said...
this strikes me as odd
Friday, December 23, 2005
---------------
Anonymous said...
TED'S HEAD by Kristin Anne Grant: Nothing could be more cutting edge than a story about a severed head. Here's the link for those who couldn't find it:http://www.kristinannegrant.com/subpage3.html
Friday, December 30, 2005

FOUND CAMERA!

Well, Charlie Callahan found the wrong camera in the Sonoma Desert in Arizona.

http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/lost-camera_09.html

He has deleted the photos from his blog.

We'll keep hoping, but I'm beginning to think that this may be a waste of time.

Sorry, Mike.

Mission 3 - The Movie "Newtons Third Law"

http://asterix.ednet.lsu.edu/~lou2/Connie/JEDISci/JediMission3FRAME.html

Reviews:

Newton’s Third Law – Bravo! by Grahamalama

Captain Allen is some sort of long-haired Hawaiian-shirted astro-physics expert for some reason. After the smooth jazz intro is interrupted by a climatic space shuttle launch, the Captain seizes upon the cinematic energy and teases, rhetorically, “Wasn’t that incredible?” Captain Allen takes the audience to exciting new cinematic places posing the provocative (yet unanswered) question, “How does the car go down the road?”

Much like the political thriller genre, the Newtonian Law of Motion film is difficult to get just right. It is a delicate balancing act between weepy sentimentalism and slap-stick comedy. Let’s just say that in this film, the Captain is a major – a major success that is! He perfectly launches and lands the role of a long-haired Hawaiian-shirted astro-physics expert for some reason. His performance gives the film an air of legitimacy, realism and genuine spaciness otherwise unattainable.

For those people who are not fans of Sir Isaac Newton, or his laws of motion, there is still something cosmic to consider. The subtle subtext of the film, “why should we obey the laws of this seventeenth century has-been and what is he going to do about it if we don’t,” provides more than ample raison d'être for accepting the mission. Strap yourself on, and get ready for the ride of a lifetime. This time, Houston, we definitely do not have a problem!

BRAVO? A Contrary View by Cocoa No Gogo

Newton’s Third Law – The Movie at first glance is innocent enough but repeated viewings reveal more sinister undertones. The movie seduces us with a jazz intro and then before we know it, we are looking down upon a giant penis-shaped rocket that is preparing to be thrust at or in us. Accompanying this footage we hear a seductive voice: "feel it" "hurt me". A countdown ensues that clearly mimics the sounds of orgasm – pay close attention to the way the narrator gets excited at "5,4,3".

Following the explosion, we are greeted by our seducer who "innocently" asks “Wasn’t that [sex] incredible?”The seducer or main character Captain Al, (previous reviews erroneously labeled him "Captain Allen") spends the remainder of the film making cleverly disguised sexual innuendos. "…we are going to explore [explore, play, experiment sexually] how that shuttle [my penis] can go from earth [he points to his penis at this point] all the way [all the way in] to space [the space between your legs]."And in the car scene, notice Captain Al's facial change at the word "down" in "…down the road." Is he playfully suggesting that he wants someone to go down on him in his car after school?And what about Captain Al's shirt (again mislabeled as Hawaiian in previous reviews – did they even watch the film?)? There are lots of fish. A school of fish. I am trolling in a school. I want to "catch" a student.

Finally there is the whole matter of the topic the film is purportedly trying to teach – Newton's Third Law. There is mounting evidence that Newton was a homosexual http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1565019822/103-2231504-2986250?v=glance and his third law "whenever one body exerts a force on another body, the second body exerts an oppositely directed force of equal magnitude on the first body" speaks for itself. Captain Al has raised eyebrows in the past with his encouragement of student's depictions of pig-people. It seems now he has decided to cast his net wider and deeper.

Unlike other commentators, I would most certainly say that "we have a problem!" and his name is Captain Al!

The Truth behind Rusty's Missing Ear

Rusty Lamb is our engineer
Even though he has just one ear
That Goddamn S%dn#y M$rr!tt bit the other one off

Rusty's revenge is so ingenious
He will stuff his Rusty penis
Down her big black throat until she coughs

(Name redacted by OneEar to protect the accused)

Electric Sheep

Electric Sheep claims to be a "free, open source screen saver run by thousands of people all over the world. It can be installed on any ordinary PC or Mac. When these computers "sleep", the screen saver comes on and the computers communicate with each other by the internet to share the work of creating morphing abstract animations known as "sheep". The result is a collective "android dream", an homage to Philip K. Dick's novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep."

I personally take offense at people derogatorily referring to "sheep" as random senseless thoughts. In fact, the closer they are studied, the more they reveal structure.

Untitled (Abu Gogo)

Untitled (Abu Gogo)

Abu Gogo
Baboomba Ma Mojo
Da Hooha Da Dodo
Abu Gogo

Hey, you little, hairy, zany hominids!
I refuse to put my feet in any shoes but yours!!
I’d rather rather bleed from every orifice with Ebola or Marburg than to brush my teeth with anything but an Abu Gogo electric toothbrush,
And I love your cereal and your action figures!!

Abu Epat
Da Liddle Da Tophat
Ecame Eshat
Abu Epat

Abu Pupu
Paakit Pulpuul
Bybye PeeYu
Abu Pupu

Abu Smello
Drungy Teechu Tello
Da pupu da beegto
Abu Smello

Hey, you little, fuzzy, stupid prehumans!
I really dig your sheets and bathroom sets!!!
I can’t bear the thought of life without a complete set of Abu Gogo trading cards!!!
And I can’t wait to get the implants and throw them over my shoulders.

Camera update

The Louisiana State Senate is no help whatsoever.
Yes, DewDrop's urine soaked friend seems to be the best bet.

Classical Poetry

A sterker whose gamp sterked like squatch
Tried to froach a gamp sterker with boaxx.
Said the gamp to the sterker:
“Boaxx froaching gamp jerker,
Harf a dead sterking froach up your crotch."

The Clown Squad

The Clown Squad

• They Wore the Big Shoes - The Story of the Clown Squad Begins
• Stage Uno - The Clown Squad Continues
• Plan B - Enter the Salmon Boy


• Those Were The Days CANDID AUDIO
• Der Rustige VIDEO
• Der Rustige (Modified) = Rusty on the Bayou Intro VIDEO

Baton Rusty - a Camera is Lost in New Orleans

• Lost Camera
• Camera Update
• Found Camera

RUSTY LYRICS

The Band Considers a New Name


TNG

Lost Camera

My friend lost his camera in New Orleans. If anyone runs across it, please contact me.

Kha-Nyou

 RE: Dodo's song
I understand that a Madison scientist has discovered a new species of rat with long whiskers and stubby legs in Laos. Once again, congratulations DokBok! Your polytocous ancestors had a remarkable range. Way to go, ancient kindred of DokBok!

What I found so unusual about this story is that the scientist "discovered" the new species hanging in Laotian meat markets. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/12/science/12rodent.html

I have been doing similar research at the deli counter as well as the yellow house taven, and I'm hoping to discover a new species any day now.

Coco, perhaps you could integrate the Kha-nyou into your Abu Gogo character set.

The Clown Squad Prepares to Battle the Zombies