Secretary Needed

My assistant has submitted her notice of resignation due to a difference of opinion between us about the answer to the question, "Who is a prick?" Qualified candidates interested in an exciting opportunity in a growing field are encouraged to submit resumes with references, salary expectations, saliva, hair, tissue and blood samples, and a photograph.

Minimum qualifications include:

• Ability to type several words per minute.
• Telekinetic aptitude.
• Aversion to clothing.
• Affinity for gerbils.
• Must like to play "precocious schoolgirl," "naughty nurse," and "dead senator."
• Should be a "people person, " although a qualified "sheep person" may be considered.
• Interest in our business also useful.

This position is open to all in compliance with Federal and State equal employment statutes, and candidates will be considered fairly and equally regardless of race, creed or gender or whether they have large hoohaas.

Code Rojo - Honorary Clown Down

It seems as though Charlie may be in trouble.

http://charliecallahan.blogspot.com/2006/02/time-out.html

One Got Fat

Remember the child safety movie with the monkey kids? It was called, "One Got Fat," and it is available for your viewing pleasure. Thanks to Sven for providing the legwork in locating this forgotten gem. It takes a while to download or to stream , but it is worth the wait.

Get Your Abu Gogo COLLECTOR'S Sticker (Oval)

NOW AVAILABLE!!!!!!!

Abu Gogo COLLECTOR'S Sticker (Oval)


Climb on board the latest and, to date, greatest bandwagon in the USofA. The Abu Gogo craze!

Call me patriotic, but I say that these United States of America have produced some of the most wonderful product concepts known to man. Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Chia? Well, here is another product that is certified to be no less ridiculous!!!

Don't be the last one of your friends (you are one of your friends, aren't you?) to conform. As I have said many times,10,000 lemmings can't be wrong. Order yours today.

ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

**Offer not valid in Arkansas or anywhere else with 0% literacy. Offer subject to availability and producer cannot take responsibility for acts of God.

Home Riot Program Undergoes Name Change

You may recall that I recently expressed the sentiment, "If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up!? (original post) I then revealed my new Home Rioting program which was referred to as DI_ (fill in the blank with a Y).

Well, it turns out that a certain three letters of the alphabet constitute a trademarked trademark. We all learned how complicated intellectual property law can be during Coco's unsuccesful efforts to trademark water. You can pick your battles, as they say, but you can't pick your friend's nose. Having said that, the program will be renamed. Yes, I am caving in to the bowers that pee. But I will make lemonade out of this piss.

We now offer exclusive franchising opportunities in "Cozy Expressions Home Rioting." This is more of a pyramid system than a Ponzi scheme, although it does contain the benefits of both. We promise you will never have to work a day in your life again. You'll spend your leisure time trashing your living room and trying to cajole your friends and loved ones into joining. What could be better? And you can Do It ALL Yourself.

Test of Advance Warning About RupturE broadcast system

Rustianist officials have announced that they will be conducting a test of the AWARE rupture warning system. People, (one), have been worried that the Rupture might have occurred unbeknownst to them (him). Fear not!

The AWARE broadcast system has been implemented to preclude just such an occurrence. Each subscriber will receive a specially coded email message indicating the following details: 1) Whether the Rupture is upon us, and 2) How many minutes until we all perish. From this information, subscribers can make an informed decision about whether to attempt one last sexual encounter or to simply opt for a quick visit to some porn sites for a masturbation session. In the worst case scenario, subscribers will simply receive the old chestnut of a sentiment, "bend over and kiss your ass goodbye."

The AWARE system will be tested beginning tomorrow at 6:45 am and running for the next 94 days. It is the sincere hope of everyone at Rusty Enterprises that the actual Rupture does not occur during testing, because that will screw everything up.



Testes, testes, is this thing working? Guilfoyle.

Rustianist Manifesto

Workers of the world unite!


A spectre is haunting the physical world -- the spectre of Rustianism. All the powers of old corporality have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spirit: Bush and Coca-Cola, Wal-Mart and Martha Stewart. Why are the powerful so vehemently opposed to unbridled Rustiosity? We must ask ourselves, where is the party? Where is the bean dip?





What shall come to pass?

• Abolition of primate property. All privates shall be public.
• Progresso income tax. Anyone earning soup income incurs a hearty, man-sized tax.
• Repeal of the death tax repeal.
• Nationalization of the means of reproduction. All sperm emitters employed by the federal government.
• Destruction of the middling class.
• Free love (or at least 2 for 1).

This is not one choice of many, and it cannot be denied; It is a historical imperative, a dialectic that cannot be undialecticified, a conclusion that is foregone. This has already happened, although in a future time. Prepare yourselves for a new age!

Details will follow in the forthcoming das Krapital.

Rusty Launches TRIPE Voice Over Internet To God

His Highness, Rusty, leader of the newly renamed First Unification Church of Knowledge, (formerly the First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples) has announced The True Church's entree into the direct-line-to-God business. "We see this as an explosive business sector with disproportionately elevated growth opportunities and stuff, " said Rusty via his chief spokesman OneEar. "This venture provides synergistic synergies with our primary metaphysical endeavors."

The protocol is known as TRIPE, which is an acronymn for Totally Righteous Internet Phoning Etc. The TRIPE system provides free voice calls and instant messaging between a user and the Lord. TRIPE calls are encrypted using complicated equipment involving a colander, some aluminum foil, and a light coating of salmon oil. However, unlike other telephonic protocols, TRIPE provides a direct blowhorn to the ear of God. (Encryption is used so that prayers cannot be intercepted by government agencies or unauthorized deities).

TRIPE is named after tripe, the delectable, gelatinous muscular lining of a cow's stomach (sheep should never be slaughtered for this or any other purpose). Of course, there are four different types of tripe - the gras double or fat part of the cow's first belly, the light and dark sections of the second stomach, and the partial honeycomb at the extreme end.

Likewise, the TRIPE system offers 4 different calling plans - "fatty," "lighty," "darky," and "the ass." Worshippers can choose the calling plan that best suits their prayer preferences.

"I have seen the future," said Rusty through his spokesman OneEar, "and it is TRIPE for all!"





*** Past performance in prayer answering is no guarantee of future results. TRIPE should not be used by the dyspeptic or goutish. Worshippers suffering from messiah complex should not use TRIPE without first consulting with themselves. TRIPE should not be used while operating a motor vehicle or a beast of burden. The manufacturers of TRIPE take no responsibility for anything whatsoever under any circumstances, conceivable or otherwise. TRIPE is a valuable registered trademark and infringement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent allowable by the laws of man and God.

Wing Sings Elvis

Why can't you guys make a record like this?



In the Ghetto

Onward Rustian Soldiers

Win, lose, or draw, the old saying goes. My fellow Rustians, draw we shall!

As feared, the Cartoon Crusades are showing no signs of erasure, and those on the front lines are, in fact, lines - lines making up cartoon drawings, that is. How bad has it gotten? Consider that protesters in Tehran, threw firebombs at the French Embassy and shattered all of the windows. "Down! Down with France!" the crowd chanted. They do have a point there.

But other protesters have been much less sensible in their fire-bombings. Today, for example, some infidel flipped me the bird just because I turned left directly in front of him from the far right lane without signalling. Talk about religious insensitivity! The caricatures of Rusty with a bomb-shaped sausage being sodomized by a bomb-shaped pickle are also offensive. Not only that, they violate our trademarks and licensing agreements which clearly state, "No image shall be constructed wherein the registered deity is sodomized by any bomb-shaped object." We're working on obtaining an injunction.

In the meanwhile, our cartoon counter-offensive has shown tremendous success. We are attempting to depict Rusty as the vibrant, loveable, eternal, omnipotent, cool sheep that he is. Our strategy is to appeal to the youth - youth are the future. We have developed "HolySheep!" baby rattles and spit-up rags to add to our "Baaaa if you love Rusty" line of products. See Rusty bib and Rusty thong at ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

A Call To Arms - And the Other Body Parts Too

"Why are we running from this fight? Nothing good comes of those who wait. Let's assemble our team and see where this leads.

If prospective disciples could indicate any special Rupture competition skills they possess, this may speed up the membership paperwork. (Also, please indicate planned dish for passing)."

Cardinal cocoa_no_gogo.

Newly Annointed Bishop Busty Foxxx Opens Sonoma Desert Branch

The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has expanded Westward and Downward with the addition of its Sonoma Desert branch founded by newly annointed Bishop Busty Foxxx. See Holy Book of Levitations

Bishop Foxxx will oversee construction, destruction, reconstruction and deconstruction activities for the new facilities. Facilities will include a training ground for cartoonists in preparation for the rapidly escalating Cartoon Crusades. Unfortunately, the project is running over budget, so The Church will need to expand fundraising efforts. Whatever you were giving before, they are asking that you double it.

Church leader Russell Lobuna, speaking through his chief spokesman OneEar, indicates that expansion plans are expanding according to plan. "We expect great things out of Busty, Rusty would like to say," said OneEar (me). "Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books."

Church Under Attack

The gauntlet has been dropped, dear followers, and the True Church is under attack. The latest barrage of assault comes in the form of cartoons. Yes, cartoons, for God’s sake. This is no Beetle Bailey cartoon attack, this is pure Hagar the Horrible.

If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up! First, we had to suffer through attacks by Hollywood and the secular media – “Rusty, Rusty Superstar,” and “The Last Temptation of Rusty,” to name just a few (actually, a couple). Just because a few bishops may have gotten a little too cozy with a few lambs doesn’t give anyone the right to label us “Sheepf^ck$rs.”

Enough is enough (contrary to what I wrote in my famous treatise “Is Enough Really Enough?”). Now is time for countermeasures, and the most productive response I can think of is a riot. Because many of us have real lives as well, it is unrealistic to try to get all followers together for a traditional riot.

Instead, I have devised a revolutionary new concept in rioting – The DIY Home Riot. On Saturday at 2:44am (just after bar time), we will all simultaneously trash our own living rooms in a powerful united show of force. Please RSVP your availability to riot so that we can get a rough head count.

Moment of Reflection - What Becomes the Clown Squad?

Consider:

Is the Salmon Boy concept truly integrated? He is both a Boston lawyer who wears pantyhose on his head and nervously cups his balls through his pants pocket AND a wacked out West Coast environmentalist who loves oxygen. Why is he the main character in a rock opera about commercialism?

Is the Erik character believable? He is somehow related to the AbuGogo, but he looks like Rasputin due to the goats’ asses on his face. Are these inconsistent? Is it possible that anyone, even a half-human, could sing that badly? Will he get laid? How do the zombies fit into this picture? How about the cheerleaders?

What are the ramifications if the Wookie is a leaker?

Do all dogs enjoy pig's heads? What about the pig people?

What rank is Allen? Why is he so angry? What makes the car go?

Will Mike ever get his camera back? How about his head?

When seated before Santa Claus on judgment day, will we believe? Does Charlie believe?

What becomes the The Clown Squad?

Rupture Postponement Pending Membership Initiative

The forthcoming end of the World, colloquially known as "The Rupture" will need to be postponed while we complete ongoing membership enhancement efforts. The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has begun its Spring membership drive, and members are encouraged to bring a guest and a dish to pass.

All expendable prayer requests should be used for our efforts to convince the Lord to postpone The Rupture. Prayers for otherwise worthwhile causes, such as racial harmony, world peace, or particular sporting teams, should be deferred for the time-being in favor of pleas for Rupture postponement. We really need much more time for proselytizing and book sales. Try not to get corn-holed into requesting a particular date. Just say, “we humbly ask Thee, in all Thy graciousness and occity, for an extension.” Remember, the first person to state a number loses the negotiation. If you find yourself in a bind, just say, “I’ll get back to you.”

Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books.

FOR THOSE WITH GAME FARM RESERVATIONS - Please see Rupture Rebate Policy

Inventions needed

I have decided to resume my practice as an inventor. All I need is one or two good ideas.

Does anyone have any good ideas for things that need to be invented?

Long Live UB313 - Down with Pluto

Pluto is a piece of crap! UB313 (Xena) is 700km larger in diameter, has a moon, and a certain je ne sais que. I say, when you cast your vote at the IAU meeting in August, you cast it for UB 313 as the NINTH planet! Pluto is a poser! I'm not even going to make a Uranus joke, because I am so confident in my position about Xena vis-a vis Pluto.

Tenth planet, my ass! The Bible says that the solar system has 9 planets. I don't know what kind of vood00 crystal worshipping you are wrapped up with, but get over it. Otherwise, have fun in your ten planet fantasy universe, Pluto-lover.

Bush Declares War on Goat-boys, Pig People

In his state of the union address tonight, President Bush declared open season on our own beloved goat-boy and the pig people project overseen by Captain Allen.

• "A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners, and that recognize the matchless value of every life. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research — human cloning in all its forms ... creating or implanting embryos for experiments ... creating human-animal hybrids ... and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator — and that gift should never be discarded, devalued, or put up for sale."

Obviously, the President faces a stiff uphill battle in Congress. He will face off against the powerful cross-breeders lobby and other dominant chimera-related special interests. It appears that the President is truly out of touch with the general will of the Amercian people on this one.

GET YOUR RUSTY AND THE PIG PEOPLE "SO SAD" T=SHIRT

der Rustige?

I fear that I have intimidated the skittish participants and silenced the clownchatter through my public postings of their innermost correspondence. My apologies.

The Sick Scents - Not Quite Right

Something is not quite right.

You didn't include a scene where time stops, the universe implodes into a singularity, and everyone gets judged. Please repair this omission. (I realize it will pose some technical challenges, but let Rusty deal with that).






For a historical retrospective, see:

http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/movie-script.html
http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/sick-scents-rewrite.html

Love Thine Neighbor - A Note to My Neighbors

Many are searching the internet for prayers appropriate for armageddon. I offer this old Scottish blessing, modified slightly, for your consideration:

May those who love me love me,
And may the Lord rain His blessings upon them.
And those who do not love me,
May the Good Lord smite those motherfuckers
And burn their blistered asses in the eternal fires of Hell.

Amen

Hottest Year Ever!

Scientists have "proven" with their science what televangelists already knew - Hell on Earth is approaching - and fast. 2005 was the "hottest year ever" according to a note passed by Harriet Myers during study hall.

Hamas won a surprise majority in the Palestinian elections. Israel's safety is off, and it is half-cocked.

My neighbor's damned dog won't stop yipping.

One can hardly ignore the signs any longer. The Rupture is now, officially, impending.

You had better buy The Book now before it is too late! (Just to be safe, buy two copies).

Book Tops Amazon 1,268,022 Seller's List

Many bibliophiles log on in the early hours of dawn to find out which book is Amazon's 1,268,022 best seller. This morning, the surprise winner of the honor went to What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner!

Squeaking ahead of such formidable contenders as FATS (Food Facts) and Contrast-Enhanced Ultrasound in Clinical Practice : Liver, Prostate, Pancreas, Kidney and Lymph Nodes (Paperback), Shoes built upon its growing cult following among foot fungus fetishists to creep into the coveted 1,268,022 position.

Reviews have been glowing. One reviewer, obviously starved for more, commented only "too short." Another commentationerist could barely contain his excitement when writing, "What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I is one of those very few books." Well, said.


To order your copy, see link below:
ORDER What Color is My Pair of Shoes Vol I from Amazon.com

Nearly Perfect, Book Reviewer Implies

What Color Is My Pair of Shoes? Vol 1 Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner is being hailed by critics and people alike:

The book has been described as "that funny-looking bone," and writing which "literally oozes pathos and bathos—especially the latter, since I dropped the book by mistake in my dirty bathos water." http://charliecallahan.blogspot.com/2006/01/what-color-is-my-pair-of-shoes-vol-i.html

Based upon these sentiments, copies of What Color Is My Pair of Shoes? Vol 1 Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner are selling like virtual online mail-order hotcakes!

In order to capitalize on this sales success, we will be seeking to postpone the Rupture while we cash in. If anyone has any particular influence with the Allmighty, or knows someone who does, please pass along a name so that our request can be considered in a timely fashion.

To order your copy, see link below:
ORDER What Color is My Pair of Shoes Vol I from Amazon.com

Rupture Rebate Policy

We regret to inform you that there will be NO GAME FARM REBATES on account of the impending Rupture. Due to circumstances beyond our control, and in accordance with our corporate policy, we are unable to process any requests for rebates based upon the perceived or actual end of the planet. Please accept our sincere apologies, and don't hesitate to contact us for future reservations (only if there is no discontinuation of time, etc.)

Ear Found at Harvard Bridge - Still No Sign of Camera

The Rupture is Upon Us!!!!!!!

Rusty is coming.

Smell Ya Later

I'm quitting the band. Last night I went to the jam, you know, the one across the street. As usual, I ended up playing the bass because, as usual, I was the worst guitar player in the room.

Nonetheless, I have a good time when I go, and they always give me free beer which is one of my favorite brands. They have a "table tapper" which holds 110 oz and includes a frozen dildo-looking thing that keeps it cold. But, I digress.

I'm quitting the band. Last night, there was a female singer who showed up, and I am going to make her a *Star*. Her name was something, she is in her 20s, and she has an exotic accent. When I asked her from where she is, she said several words which led me to conclude that she is probably from Poland or East Germany. After concluding that it really doesn't matter, I elected not to pursue the subject.

Forget about her nationality, you've got to hear her chops. When she got up on stage, she asked the guys if they could play several songs. I think I understood the words she was saying, but none of them sounded like songs of which I had heard. Eventually, consensus arrived at "Highway to Hell." I probably haven't listed to AC/DC since 10th grade, but I have to say that the song does rock. And the eastern girl TORE IT UP! She proceeded to sing 3 or 4 songs that nobody knew, but somehow she carried it. It sounded - -- good.

This is when the lightbulb shattered in my brain. Epiphany. A band should have a singer.

Rusty Sessions 2006

Rusty Sessions 2006
There is a lot of work to do in time for the Rusty Sessions of 2006.

To regurgitate, we are going to be celebrating Mike the Headless Chicken Festival but not on the right date. The Sessions will be held at Coco's house sometime in June (or Memorial Day weekend if Ono gets his shit together). I will arrange for a film crew.

Schedule:

Friday:

8am-6pm - Arrival, registration, ice-breaker.
6pm-7pm - Dinner, furniture-breaker.
7pm-11pm- Perform 1/3 of each and every song we know.
11pm-11:45pm- try to explain noise and odor to neighbors.
Midnight -1:30am- try to explain noise and odor to police.

Saturday:
1:30am-4am - Pile into vehicle for some unknown reason and head for bar. Get lost, stop at different bar, make asses of selves, get escorted out, stop for pancakes or burritos.
4am-9am - sleep.
9am-Noon - Finalize Bylaws over breakfast and bloodies.
Noon-12:10 - call wives, discuss how much we miss them/how bad we are for leaving them with the kids who are sick (LBok, you can skip this step).
12:15-2:33 - Spades (LBok, you can find something to do.)
2:34-5:17 - Lose track of time.
5:18- 5:26 - Further discussions with neighbors and police. Explain theory that the Big Bang is an urban legend.
5:27-8:15 - Live performance of Salmon Boy (20 minute intermission).
8:16-8:19 - Final reassurances of future quiet to police.
8:20-1:13 - pile into vehicle to avoid further bothering neighbors, head for that bar again. Bring along 1 guitar to thoroughly piss off everyone who is trying to listen to the juke-box.
1:14 - It starts to get pretty blurry here.

Sunday

10:17am - LBok unveils his clone of OneEar
10:18am - All stand in awe.
10:19-12:44- Live performance of "The Sick Scents.
12:45 - Go home


We need to schedule some time for worship and some time for spontaneity

First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples

The schism in the church has been resolved. It has been revealed that God really did create "day" before creating "the sun," but it was a dark day. So, we were both right. Only WE were a little more right.

Buzz Bessette Fan Club - A Lounge Lizard's Lizard

Buzz Bessette was born in El Paso, Texas. His father, an organist and trombone player in the Continental Army Band, and his mother, an organist and drummer, imbued him with the love of music early on.

Buzz began his professional music career after high school when he performed with such acts as George and the Diminished 5th, Dawn of Atlantis show band and the 50's rockers, The Stingrays. Diversifying his style, he performed with the East Coast Express Jazz Band in the legendary Orion's Roof Club in Virginia Beach. Later he began studying classical piano with Ila Bovee.

He was held in captivity as a "lounge lizard" for over 16 years. Call Guinness! He performed over 4500 shows at one venue! Buzz began performing for the Showcase in the 2004 summer show, "wowing" us with his phenomenal keyboard and vocal skills.

http://www.outerbanksmusicshowcase.com/cast.htm



http://www.crowdband.net/BuzzBio.html

1 Man Band/ Keyboardist Buzz Bessette
Physical Address:1000 Colington Road Kill Devil Hills, NC 27948
Mailing Address:PO Box 6 Kill Devil Hills, NC 27948

Do NOT Join The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God

"The one true church" is The New Unification Church of Oneear's Gloriful Occity of God's Oneness (NUCO-GOGO) Do NOT be fooled into joining the New Unification Church of Oneear's Good and Holy Disciples of God (NUCO-GAHDOG). They are a bunch of phonies and heathens!

The one true church, NUCO-GOGO, holds to the core truths and does not get sidetracked in superstition and personal vendetta. Witness: There is one eternal God, a bearded carpenter, who had 3 distinct simultaneous identities: A father, a son and a ghost.

Witness: it was said that the son's mother never had sex with his dad leaving the only remaining possibility that the baby was conceived of God's sperm. And so, we drink his blood and eat his flesh and other essentials that are clarified in the Scriptures.

If the "church" you attend does not hold to these essential beliefs, you are in a cult! There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. No matter what name they use, they are not a church! This is not my opinion; it is a fact clearly explained by the writings of some of the carpenter's friends.

I wouldn't trust The New Unification Church of OneEar's Good and Holy Disciples of God as far as I could throw them. Booo to NUCO-GAHDAG!!!!!!! They are impostors.

Please, save yourself the inconvenience of damnation for all eternity - join the one true church (NUCO-GOGO not NUCO-GAHDAG).

Prerapture

Many have recognized that the rapture is upon us.
See http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html the Rapture index

But they are misguided. What is forthcoming is not the true rapture but rather a rapturefeit. The rapture has been correctly predicted but at the wrong time. When the false rapture occurs, many will not understand that it is a fake, and they will think that rapture is upon us. When the rapture does not truly occur, they will become angry and will be ridiculed, and this will split people into two tribes, the last precursor of the true Rupture which will follow shortly thereafter. It is pretty basic.


"These are they which follow the One Eared Lamb whithersoever He goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the first fruits unto God and to the One Eared Lamb" (Revelations 14:4).



Sign up for my "Rupture Notification" if you would like for me to let you know when the true final rapture is upon us. I will circulate a mass email to let everyone know. (Make sure you adjust your email filter settings).

Roles for The Sick Scents

Now that the script is finished, we just need to assign roles so we can all learn our lines. I propose the following:
Actor -> Character
OneEar->Ono
Ono->LBok
Colyp->Colyp
LBok->Coco
Coco->Grumpy Sarge
Quinn -> Little Boy
Stan -> Abu Gogo


Note: Ono has been reinserted into the script on a probationary basis.
Script http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/sick-scents-rewrite.html
---------------
Anonymous said...
this strikes me as odd
Friday, December 23, 2005
---------------
Anonymous said...
TED'S HEAD by Kristin Anne Grant: Nothing could be more cutting edge than a story about a severed head. Here's the link for those who couldn't find it:http://www.kristinannegrant.com/subpage3.html
Friday, December 30, 2005

FOUND CAMERA!

Well, Charlie Callahan found the wrong camera in the Sonoma Desert in Arizona.

http://oneear.blogspot.com/2005/11/lost-camera_09.html

He has deleted the photos from his blog.

We'll keep hoping, but I'm beginning to think that this may be a waste of time.

Sorry, Mike.

Mission 3 - The Movie "Newtons Third Law"

http://asterix.ednet.lsu.edu/~lou2/Connie/JEDISci/JediMission3FRAME.html

Reviews:

Newton’s Third Law – Bravo! by Grahamalama

Captain Allen is some sort of long-haired Hawaiian-shirted astro-physics expert for some reason. After the smooth jazz intro is interrupted by a climatic space shuttle launch, the Captain seizes upon the cinematic energy and teases, rhetorically, “Wasn’t that incredible?” Captain Allen takes the audience to exciting new cinematic places posing the provocative (yet unanswered) question, “How does the car go down the road?”

Much like the political thriller genre, the Newtonian Law of Motion film is difficult to get just right. It is a delicate balancing act between weepy sentimentalism and slap-stick comedy. Let’s just say that in this film, the Captain is a major – a major success that is! He perfectly launches and lands the role of a long-haired Hawaiian-shirted astro-physics expert for some reason. His performance gives the film an air of legitimacy, realism and genuine spaciness otherwise unattainable.

For those people who are not fans of Sir Isaac Newton, or his laws of motion, there is still something cosmic to consider. The subtle subtext of the film, “why should we obey the laws of this seventeenth century has-been and what is he going to do about it if we don’t,” provides more than ample raison d'être for accepting the mission. Strap yourself on, and get ready for the ride of a lifetime. This time, Houston, we definitely do not have a problem!

BRAVO? A Contrary View by Cocoa No Gogo

Newton’s Third Law – The Movie at first glance is innocent enough but repeated viewings reveal more sinister undertones. The movie seduces us with a jazz intro and then before we know it, we are looking down upon a giant penis-shaped rocket that is preparing to be thrust at or in us. Accompanying this footage we hear a seductive voice: "feel it" "hurt me". A countdown ensues that clearly mimics the sounds of orgasm – pay close attention to the way the narrator gets excited at "5,4,3".

Following the explosion, we are greeted by our seducer who "innocently" asks “Wasn’t that [sex] incredible?”The seducer or main character Captain Al, (previous reviews erroneously labeled him "Captain Allen") spends the remainder of the film making cleverly disguised sexual innuendos. "…we are going to explore [explore, play, experiment sexually] how that shuttle [my penis] can go from earth [he points to his penis at this point] all the way [all the way in] to space [the space between your legs]."And in the car scene, notice Captain Al's facial change at the word "down" in "…down the road." Is he playfully suggesting that he wants someone to go down on him in his car after school?And what about Captain Al's shirt (again mislabeled as Hawaiian in previous reviews – did they even watch the film?)? There are lots of fish. A school of fish. I am trolling in a school. I want to "catch" a student.

Finally there is the whole matter of the topic the film is purportedly trying to teach – Newton's Third Law. There is mounting evidence that Newton was a homosexual http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1565019822/103-2231504-2986250?v=glance and his third law "whenever one body exerts a force on another body, the second body exerts an oppositely directed force of equal magnitude on the first body" speaks for itself. Captain Al has raised eyebrows in the past with his encouragement of student's depictions of pig-people. It seems now he has decided to cast his net wider and deeper.

Unlike other commentators, I would most certainly say that "we have a problem!" and his name is Captain Al!

The Truth behind Rusty's Missing Ear

Rusty Lamb is our engineer
Even though he has just one ear
That Goddamn S%dn#y M$rr!tt bit the other one off

Rusty's revenge is so ingenious
He will stuff his Rusty penis
Down her big black throat until she coughs

(Name redacted by OneEar to protect the accused)

Electric Sheep

Electric Sheep claims to be a "free, open source screen saver run by thousands of people all over the world. It can be installed on any ordinary PC or Mac. When these computers "sleep", the screen saver comes on and the computers communicate with each other by the internet to share the work of creating morphing abstract animations known as "sheep". The result is a collective "android dream", an homage to Philip K. Dick's novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep."

I personally take offense at people derogatorily referring to "sheep" as random senseless thoughts. In fact, the closer they are studied, the more they reveal structure.

Untitled (Abu Gogo)

Untitled (Abu Gogo)

Abu Gogo
Baboomba Ma Mojo
Da Hooha Da Dodo
Abu Gogo

Hey, you little, hairy, zany hominids!
I refuse to put my feet in any shoes but yours!!
I’d rather rather bleed from every orifice with Ebola or Marburg than to brush my teeth with anything but an Abu Gogo electric toothbrush,
And I love your cereal and your action figures!!

Abu Epat
Da Liddle Da Tophat
Ecame Eshat
Abu Epat

Abu Pupu
Paakit Pulpuul
Bybye PeeYu
Abu Pupu

Abu Smello
Drungy Teechu Tello
Da pupu da beegto
Abu Smello

Hey, you little, fuzzy, stupid prehumans!
I really dig your sheets and bathroom sets!!!
I can’t bear the thought of life without a complete set of Abu Gogo trading cards!!!
And I can’t wait to get the implants and throw them over my shoulders.

Camera update

The Louisiana State Senate is no help whatsoever.
Yes, DewDrop's urine soaked friend seems to be the best bet.

Classical Poetry

A sterker whose gamp sterked like squatch
Tried to froach a gamp sterker with boaxx.
Said the gamp to the sterker:
“Boaxx froaching gamp jerker,
Harf a dead sterking froach up your crotch."

The Clown Squad

The Clown Squad

• They Wore the Big Shoes - The Story of the Clown Squad Begins
• Stage Uno - The Clown Squad Continues
• Plan B - Enter the Salmon Boy


• Those Were The Days CANDID AUDIO
• Der Rustige VIDEO
• Der Rustige (Modified) = Rusty on the Bayou Intro VIDEO

Baton Rusty - a Camera is Lost in New Orleans

• Lost Camera
• Camera Update
• Found Camera

RUSTY LYRICS

The Band Considers a New Name


TNG

Lost Camera

My friend lost his camera in New Orleans. If anyone runs across it, please contact me.

Kha-Nyou

 RE: Dodo's song
I understand that a Madison scientist has discovered a new species of rat with long whiskers and stubby legs in Laos. Once again, congratulations DokBok! Your polytocous ancestors had a remarkable range. Way to go, ancient kindred of DokBok!

What I found so unusual about this story is that the scientist "discovered" the new species hanging in Laotian meat markets. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/12/science/12rodent.html

I have been doing similar research at the deli counter as well as the yellow house taven, and I'm hoping to discover a new species any day now.

Coco, perhaps you could integrate the Kha-nyou into your Abu Gogo character set.

The Clown Squad Prepares to Battle the Zombies

Whisky Infused Train Wreck

I'll work out the chord progression tonight when I'm "off the clock."

Poetry Deleted

Hear it now, the woeful tale
Of rightful kings unseated.
Lazy jokers claim the crown
And honor has retreated.
Senseless clowns have seized the throne,
Their punishment premeted.
Fearing not the melanchol
Of poetry deleted.

Let the pen reclaim the reign
From which it has been cheated.
Turn the pencil loose upon
the paper, I’ve entreated.
Heads will roll then, fleeing from
The scene of sewage treated,
Never more the sterile slate
Of poetry deleted.

Listen - listen closelyNothing can be heard.Nothing exists nowhereNo one says a word.Loose the gag, uncuff the handsNo censor’s stroke is needed.Noone must fall victim to The poetry deleted.

Pungent sweat and curdling screams
Of bloody foes defeated
Spoiling milk that turns to curd
When place and time are heated.
Did the sacrificial lamb
Regret the rhyme it bleated?
Never yielding to the fate
Of poetry deleted.

The Ballad of the Two-Steppin Surgeon at the Fais Do Do

I was with those Clowns in Louisiana
When I accompanied them down to Acadiana
In search of my very own Evangeline
Well we stopped in on a Fais Do Do
With a bucket of Coors we were ready to go
I diagnosed the bartender with an Accessory Spleen

Well the band was playing that cajun grind
And all the people they were stomping fine
And I ignored the maladies in their abdomens
I sure wasn't lookin to cause a Gran Disturbance
Cuz there were four little cuties within shoutin distance
And I felt just like a dog inside a cage aux chiens

There was one I thought was particularly cute
And asking her friend for the best method of pursuit
I discovered that Fate had given us a matching name
Well she was Erika and I Erik
And knowing I had to think real quick
I offered her a bit of ice for her sweaty mane

It didn't take long before I was smitten
She told me she was a Dental Assistan
And I offered to show her my Peritoneal Cavity
She asked me to dance the Cajun Crawfish
Of course I didn't want to seem standoffish
So I accepted with alacrity

We headed out onto the floor
Where there were maybe a hundred people or more
All watching me swing and sway
She said you take two steps to the left and two to the right
And then you squeeze me real tight
And How much money dya say you made anyway?

I said Darlin scuze my ignorance
But what's the name of this here dance
She said the two-step --- and I said Oh
Despite my gaffe her gaze stayed strong
That's when I knew I could do no wrong
Cuz I was the two-stepping surgeon at the Fais Do Do

(CHORUS)
I am the two-stepping surgeon at the Fais Do Do
Gator's in the bread pan pickin out dough
Goodbye Laparo So long Endo
Cuz I'm the two steppin surgeon at the Fais Do Do
Do Do Do Do

Well the rest of those Clowns they were havin some fun
Telling everyone from whence they had come
And slappin their buckets with vehemence
But my cajun Magnolia is all I saw
And as we exchanged internet protocol
The tone of her voice became more intense

She said I'll be your honey if you be my chèr
And we'll go tell ma and pa
To ready the band for the charivari
I didn't have a clue what she was sayin
But sure as hell well I was prayin
That at some point sex would be involved

Well before very long the band was through
I said tell me little bit bout what you do
She started telling me about all the different dental tools there are
She said there's the carver and the scraper and other neet stuff
But it wasn't long before I had enough
So I asked "Darlin, can I accompany you out to your car?"

We walked hand in hand through the parking lot
And then we made our own little polyglot
In-between the rusted automobiles
Well we shared a name so we shared some spit
My pocket flashlight well it was lit
And I was fallin fast head over heels

Well as soon as our hands began a reachin
I heard them crazy Clowns a screachin
Telling me that it was time to go
She gave me a squeeze and one last pet
And ran off to tell her friends that she just met
The two-steppin surgeon at the Fais Do Do

(CHORUS)
I am the two-stepping surgeon at the Fais Do Do
Gator's in the bread pan pickin out dough
Goodbye Laparo So long Endo
Cuz I'm the two steppin surgeon at the Fais Do Do
Do Do Do Do

Back in the car those Clowns were dicks
One of them even only rated her a six
But he didn't have her tongue lickin the roof of his mouth
I thought that maybe I'd blow off France
With their unprocessed food and Capris pants
Cuz well I kinda like the girls down here in the South

Well you may say she was nothin but a female gator
A gold seekin wench a manipulator
And believe you me I've read my Marx
But you can bet ol Karl he was never bitten
By a dental assistant bayou kitten
Cuz their teeth are strong and sharp like a Dusky Shark's

In Acadiana you'll see a rusted ol' sheep
Discarded atop a rubbish heap
Like some bloodied napkin all soiled with menstrual flow
Pray for God your soul to keep
And tell your children not to go to sleep
Cuz they'll miss the two steppin surgeon at the Fais Do Do

(CHORUS)
I am the two-stepping surgeon at the Fais Do Do
Gator's in the bread pan pickin out dough
Goodbye Laparo So long Endo
Cuz I'm the two steppin surgeon at the Fais Do Do
Do Do Do Do

Do Do Do Do
Do Do Do Do
Do Do Do Do

Cornered in the Kitchen

(Verse 1)
Hey, Al, I’d like to tell you about my whole shitty life.
My kids are dumb and even fatter than my dumb fat wife.
My boss is a liar,
My car has a flat tire,
And my dumb fat wife and dumb fat kids and dumb fat boss all told me to get new tires.

(CHORUS):
Regress to mirror represent-ation.
Swell to engorgement imit-ation.
Return to reassess revisit-ation.
Resume review reconsider-ation.
Replicate shrinkage to dimun-ition.
Mimic flaccid listless mun-ition.
Restored reflection brought,
Decay festering rot,
In a falling off parody of spirit, again.

(Verse 2)
Hey, Al, I’d like to tell you about my whole shitty life.
Happy faces stab me and cut me like a knife.
My ass is getting slow.
My balls droop in the bowl.
And complications with my face and ass and balls and excretory functions are rife.

(Repeat CHORUS)

(BRIDGE)
Oh, Al, blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah blah.
Oh, Al, I may have left out blah, let me start again.
Oh, Al, blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaah.
Oh, Al, blah, Al, blah blah blah blah blah.

(Verse 3 (John Hinckley Fight Verse)

Hey Al, I'd like to tell you about my whole shitty life
Miss Jodie Foster claims that she is not my wife
I was emboldened
By the life of Holden
To Catch her Eye with assasination; a demonstration that I'm not some low-life

(Repeat Bridge and fade into nothingness).

BLOW YE KNOW NOTHING

Well the (G)man who knows (Am)nothing knows (C)one thing for (G)sure,
For the (G)sickness of (Am)silence, his (D)words are the cure.
He’ll (G)speak without (Am)thinking and (C)rarely will (G)stop.
So (G)blow ye know (Am)nothing, just (D)go blow your (G) top.

(G)Blow ye know nothing, `til (C)all breath is (G)blown.
(C)Know ye for certain that (D)nothing is known.
(G)Were this the end then the (C)end it would (D)be.
So blow ye know nothing, blow (D)incessant(G)ly.

Well the girl who knows nothing knows one thing for sure.
She leaves her brain empty to keep her thoughts pure.
That won’t stop her yammering and clammering all day.
So blow ye know nothing, just go blow away.

Blow ye know nothing, `til all breath is blown.
Know ye for certain that nothing is known.
Were this the end then the end it would be.
So blow ye know nothing, blow incessantly.

If you think you know nothing, know one thing for sure;
You’ll catch less flies with honey than a pile of manure.
But you’ll not catch a fly as the blowing wind blows.
So blow ye know nothing, just go blow your knows.

Blow ye know nothing, `til all breath is blown.
Know ye for certain that nothing is known.
Were this the end then the end it would be.
So blow ye know nothing, blow incessantly.

The world that knows nothing know s one thing for sure,
The knowing of nothing is nature’s allure.
A gentle wind blowing can transverse the sea,
So blow ye know nothing, with humility.

Blow ye know nothing, `til all breath is blown.
Know ye for certain that nothing is known.
Were this the end then the end it would be.
So blow ye know nothing, blow incessantly.

Happy Bigamy

Her Nookie is a Leaker

Melinda Brown, a pretty 19-year-old Bostonian, one day while walking through the park, Melinda Brown encounters an almost-human creature lying in the grass and entreating passers-by for help.
Melinda Brown takes the creature to her house (she lives with her parents) cleans him up and discovers that he is Nookie.
He is a nice Nookie but due to a botched circumcision he is a leaker.

Her Nookie's a leaker; he can't control his bowels
Her parents beseech her; not to use the good guest towels
Her friends all laugh at her
As she changes his catheter
Her Nookie's a leaker, It's worse when he growls

Teenage angst; late thirties angst; late thirties newly discovered fellings of mortality; sexual inadequacy; sexual ennui and McCarthyism.

Dog Dirt Blues

with permission granted by Mr. Charles Callahan

Where Has He Gone?

I was sidewalk walking sunny winter afternoon in Espana, more specifically Madrid.
I'd been living the life of a smelly American - getting drunk, falling down, and acting stupid.
Wine was pulsing through my veins, as red as Spanish blood, my eyes the blackened two of spades.
Up the brandy down the wine - tackle basketball: the games we drunkards played.

Life was sweet but sticky brown like an M&M without the sugar coating.
Glancing back across the street into the setting sun I spied a feather floating.
Trudging up the stairs past La Bruja's door, my tortured heartbeat quickened.
Opened up the door and to the kitchen went and there stood the chicken.

Where has he gone? Where has he gone? Where has my chicken gone he didn't even leave a change of address.

Life became sangria rosy sweet and filled with fruit and a shot or two of brandy.
I felt protected and complete I stood fearless in the sun with an armor made of candy.
Rejoice, rejoice the chicken's brilliance shown o`er me like the sun o`er a candle that is flickin.
I was a metro singing guitar playing chick searching guy and by my side was the chicken.

Where has he gone? Where has he gone? Where has my chicken gone he didn't even leave a change of address.

Home again one afternoon making lunch I look around, but something is terribly wrong.
Gunter, have you seen my chicken. You know the one, about whom I wrote this song.
Gone? I stumbled crazed around I fell clutching the bowl I needed to get sick in.
Flush down the fruit colored vomit sick of thinking about life without the chicken.
Where has he gone? Where has he gone? Where has my chicken gone he didn't even leave a change of address.

Clowns of Liberty

What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I

What Color is My Pair of Shoes? Vol I.

Career Advice for a New Millenium from an Award Winning Award Winner

Award winning career advice from the award winning author of "How to Give Yourself Awards for Your Writing."

By Philo Daugel Boone, IV and James Graham

ORDER What Color is My Pair of Shoes Vol I from Amazon.com

- - - - - - - -EXCERPT from Chapter 1a -

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Do not delay. Do send me the check and I guarantee you will be well on your way to financial independence. Imagine yourself as a liver, envision yourself as a liver, and then become a liver. I will show you how.
Remember about the check, that you need to send it, that is, to me.

________________________________________

OTHER AWARD WINNING TITLES BY P.D. BOONE, IV

1. How To Give Yourself Awards For Your Writing.
2. A Gynecologic Analysis of the Enron Collapse.
3. The Grand Conspiracy Continues, A Brief History of Thyme, Potato Cannon Handbook, and Guide To Stringing Together Unrelated Thoughts.
4. Get That Smell Out of Your Stuff!
5. 10 Sure-Fire Signs That Your Spouse is a Hermaphrodite.
6. Vacation Without Leaving Your Couch
7. Avoid Personal Hygiene – The Easy Way.
8. Is Enough Really Enough?
9. 10 Things They Won’t Teach You at Business School.
10. Are Optimists Completely Insane?
11. How I Got On Top, Evolutionarywise.
12. Money Good.

For a glowing review, see http://charliecallahan.blogspot.com/2006/01/what-color-is-my-pair-of-shoes-vol-i.html

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