Good news! Wal Mart has announced that this year they will label 60% more of their merchandise "Christmas" rather than "Holiday." At least the religious conservatives can claim one victory—putting Christ back into our biggest commercial holiday.
The Unichurk needs to create some holidays. Perhaps this is the way we can get our message out to the kids This coupled with Miss Litzi's suggestion for free (or at least discounted) beer and free (or at least discounted) dope might just be enough to counter whatever Santa/Jesus can provide.
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Also, note in the article that this announcement was "met with rupturous applause"
Well, if this is what it takes to get rapturous applause, then give me the clap!
How about a holiday where kids are visited during the night by a giant, festively colored carp. The rupture carp could lay candy-filled eggs surrounded by a gelatin egg sack on the pillows of good girls and boys.
How would this carp get from place to place?
Hmmm.
Probably via the magic tunnel on a skateboard pulled by the mini-elephants. He could enter through the basement (or crawlspace) only if the kids left their dirty laundry by the washing machine. Sometimes, some of the older undergarments would mysteriously disappear.
"magic tunnel" -- is this what the Underminers have been working on?
There is really no way of knowing.
Hi OneEar,
I still think that if The First Unification Church of Knowledge (dedicated to his Rustiness) offers free beer and dope (not discounted, FREE) to the youth of America, you’ll have more members than you’ve got pews to put them in. You might also attract a few derelicts, but you can always lay them in the aisles or the back of the Unichurck.
The big question this year is do we say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas”? Perhaps I’ll just stick to bah-humbug!
ML,
We aren't just interested in filling pews; we have our bottom line to consider.
Hi Cocoa No GoGo,
If your priority is the bottom line, then scratch allowing derelicts to enter your hallowed halls. Maybe your best bet is to entice the young people in and pass around the collection plate around after they’ve had a few brewskis or a couple of hits. As their inhibitions abate, they may loosen their wallets and The First Unichurck will be the beneficiaries of all their money.
The Churck could run X-rated movies at exorbitant prices in the Vestry. I’m sure His Rustiness will come up with some more money makes scams…oops! visions.
Dearest Miss Litzi; RE: do we say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas”? What ever happened to a simple Happy SWAMNSD∂?
You may have gone over the line by suggesting inclusion of the doped up, drunk minors in X-rated movies. After all, none of us is running for Congress.
Let's hear more about the movies in the vestibule. Please.
Hi OneEar,
If saying “Happy SWAMNSD∂” is what you want to convey to people over the next six weeks, go for it! Just what is it exactly you’re wishing them?
Hi Loud but off key,
My thought was that perhaps you could arrange to have ex-Representative Mark Foley (who’s now out of a job) operate the movie projector in the vestibule. He’d no doubt relish being in a room full of drunk, doped up minors watching porn. Who knows, Mr. Foley might even have some home movies of his own he’d like to share with everyone!
Now that the religious conservatives have managed to put Chirst back in Christmas perhaps they could put Christmas back in December.
Cocoa, LBOK, Oneear:
Since I have you all in the same room, which one of you is the Wing fan?
I prefer the Breast and occasionally the Thigh.
Sven - How could one help but be a fan?
However, I hadn't realized that she is now charging $6.00 for access to her music. I'm worried that crass commercialism may ruin her art.
Oh, wait. Wing stills has free teasers at
http://www.wingtunes.com/public/samples.aspx.
A 30 second fix is often enough.
Cocoa:
I always took you for a boob.
Oneear:
I first heard wing on a Coverville podcast. It featured her treatment of "Back in Brack" by AC/DC.
After hearing that, the teasers just don't cut it.
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