Thursday, December 15, 2011

Old Saint Carp Is In Da House



Twas the night before Munitions Day
N' all through ma crib
All ma peeps wuz down sleepin'
I was bonin' Adam's rib

Yah, ma peeps wuz down dreamin'
Bout the sh!t they be eatin'
But the Missuz and I wuz
A havin' a board meetin'

When down in da hole
They arose such a noize
I said, "Damn racket packet,
Dat must be ma boyzzzz."

So I pulled up ma trousers
Ta go check on ma homies
N' I cocked up ma uzi
Just in case of the gnomies

When what to my bloodshotted
Eyes should I see
But a big colored fish
N' he was looking at me.

He was giant N' ugly
N' smelled somethin' terrible
N' he laffed when he saw me
N' his breaf was unbearable

Had to choke back da vomit
Creepin' up in ma troat
When he suddenly gave birth
To a large candied goat

The goat was encased
In a gelatin sack
And it squirmed and it jiggled
Like ma neighbor on crack.

Then the fish layed some sacks
Of munitions and bombs,
Gelatiny dynamite
N' bags of napalm.

Well, I'd had me enough
Soon my uzi was purrin'
But da carp, he just laffed
N' pissed gasoline urine.

Then out of the cellar
Like giant earth worms
Came a slimy skateboard
Pulled by mini-pachyderms

The carp he called out
To that elephant show
"Get your assess in gear,
Cuz' dis place gonna blow."

Dem' elephants started burrowin',
he called them by name:
"On Stumpy, On Gimpy,
On Limpy and Lame;

Now Burny and Other Limpy
Now Crippled and Smelly;
On Crawler, On Mauler,
On Napalmy Gelly."

The carp stopped and dropped
One more bomb, and he laffed
Then he flushed his whole team
Down the dark, dirty shaft."

And I heard him exclaim,
As they sloshed down the pit,
"Get the Hell out of here
Before it all blows to sh!t."

15 comments:

Loud but off key said...

OneEar, you're like K-Fed and Dr. Seuss in a blender.

cocoa_no_gogo said...

Wow!
However, I'm slightly concerned about where you are going with this. Why can't the carp just pass out beer and dope -- or maybe just pass out?

Miss Litzi said...

Hi Loud But Off Key AND Cocoa No GoGo,
What’s with OneEar and his poetry? He reminds me of Lenny Bruce, the controversial American stand-up comedian, writer, social critic and satirist of the 1950’s and 1960’s. Perhaps OneEar’s experiencing anxiety the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and this poem is his method of venting that angst. Cocoa, I’m glad you like the idea of passing out beer and dope! I’ve been trying to convince OneEar that it’d be an excellent way to attract new attendees to The First Unification Church of Knowledge, but he keeps coming up with reasons why it won’t work. Is OneEar going to put this poem to music?

Lonie Polony said...

Umm...interesting retelling, OneEar.

Actually, I wanted to catch up with cocoa and say thanks for sampling my polony the other day (isn't it great how anything can be made into a smutty double entendre?). Not sure what you mean about writing more like an American, cocoa...bit hard as I'm Australian...try our Prime Minister, he wants to have your President's babies and will probably make OneEar's post our new national anthem.

OneEar said...

LBok - That is one of the kindest praises you ever have praised me with.

Coco - Don't worry, as in all things, the fire will burn itself out eventually.

Dearest Miss Litzi - Is Lenny Bruce the tall guy from Laverne and Shirley? He plays harp on the Jiminy Glick show.

LP - Thanks for contributing to our Churck. RE: "anything can be made into a smutty double entendre?", I must respectfully disagree. Case in point - "I'm f^cking a cantelope."

Miss Litzi said...

Hi OneEar,
Yes, that’s the guy! I wondered if you’d have any idea who I was referring to when I mentioned Lenny Bruce, as he was “fashionable” before your time. However, I mistakenly underestimated your keen intellect for knowing all things….

It’s nice to know what Mr. Bruce is doing these days; I’d assumed he’d be spending eternity walking on burning embers instead of playing a harp with Jiminy Glick (who?).

OneEar said...

You all seem unusually pensive about Munitions Day. Perhaps I should have made it clear that this will replace our March 4th of July celebration. Obviously, we’re not going to have two exploding holidays. Or are we?

Miss Litzi - I believe you were thinking of Michael McKean. According to Wikipedia, Lenny Bruce was never on the Jiminy Glick
show.

Miss Litzi said...

Hi OneEar,
Thanks for the link to Michael McKean; I had NO idea he was “Lenny” on “Laverne and Shirley”, a truly forgettable sitcom. Mr. McKean is in a different league altogether from Lenny Bruce, the late comedian, satirist and prophet. Your profane yet poignant language indicates a depth of character and soul that no one in today’s literary world could ever hope to attain, though many will make the futile attempt of striving towards the brilliance displayed in your poem.

Perhaps we’re all pensive about Munitions Day because of the impending Rapture. Nothing must be allowed to diminish the colossal effect of that glorious event.

OneEar said...

Amazing Litzi - I have never experienced such an accurate reflection of my true self: "Prophet," "Poignant," "Brillian(t)," "Soul(ful)." You could not have said it better myself.

However, I fear that I have strayed too far into controversial topics with my discussions of gays and feces and bombings and politics. I'll go back to something more mundane, you know, lay low for awhile.

Loud but off key said...

Good thinkin', dork.`

Miss Litzi said...

Hi OneEar,
It’s such a pleasure to see you handle compliments with such modesty. I’ll believe you’re going to “lay low for awhile” when it actually happens. Loud But Off Key seems to think it might be a good plan….

Miss Litzi said...

Hi OneEar,
It’s such a pleasure to see you handle compliments with such modesty. I’ll believe you’re going to “lay low for awhile” when it actually happens. Loud But Off Key seems to think it might be a good plan….

Miss Litzi said...

Hi OneEar,
I apologize for posting 4 of the same comments. There's no "trashcan" to eliminate them, but perhaps you can get rid of them for me.

Litzi said...
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Gone said...
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