Missed Apocalypse Day One -- admitting there's a problem

My first clue that I had recently missed the Apocalypse was the realization that all the people around me are assholes. Seriously, I can’t imagine a group of people less deserving of being snatched from a scourged Earth by some giant puffy arms of some giant puffy Jesus than the group of louts that I encounter on a daily basis. Of course this means that I too didn’t make the cut; but really that comes as no surprise. I mean between the things I did to Heather Locklear in the early eighties (things she isn’t even aware of) and my more recent forays into the pleasures of daytime drunkenness and careless abandon, I really wasn’t expecting much. It’s just that as I sit here patiently in the tire store reviewing the blatant overcharges on my bill and watching as rubber tires made via a toxic process are mounted without care on my gas-guzzling car while at the same time my old tires make their way to a landfill where they will remain well after I’m dead; and as I try to avoid the strange seven-year-old boy with a runny nose who is also at the tire store and who thinks that it is fun to follow me around and mimic the things I do; and as I make no attempt to disguise the contempt and downright hatred I hold for this boy and his not-even-close-to-being-hot mother, I can’t help but think that the “End of Days” have passed me by. Oh well, at least we are all in it together.

Constipated Credit Markets

Bloomberg, Nov. 10, 2008
The Federal Reserve is refusing to identify the recipients of almost $2 trillion of emergency loans from American taxpayers or the troubled assets the central bank is accepting as collateral.

Merry Christmas! Now, in addition to an insurance company, some investment banks, and, shortly, three auto manufacturers, you and your grandchildren are major investors in the "Mystery Spot."

Shocking News - Illinois Democratic Political Machine is Corrupt

Who could have seen this coming?

"Blagojevich became the fourth of the past seven governors elected in Illinois to be arrested."

It really is fortunate that Obama managed to rise to the top from out of the Crook County political apparatus without engaging in any of the unlawful practices upon which the machine operates. Just lucky I guess.

Still, I'm glad I voted for Obama. 1) My vote absolved me of all white guilt. 2) The takeover of the Republican Party by the God-nuts is fully underway. McCain's election would have tempered these idiots for awhile, whereas now they are fully unconstrained to self-destruct. 3)We need to stop spending money rebuilding shit-holes. If we need a blow-em-up foreign policy, then lets blow things up. This "You break it you bought it" doesn't fly. If I break it, I just place something over it and make my way toward the exit. You should be thankful I'm shopping there in the first place. 4) I was tired of backing a loser. I haven't voted for the winning Presidential candidate in any election ever. It feels good to be part of something much larger - such as a mob.

For Shame, For Shame

It has often been attested that idol blog editors are gateway enablers for shameless self-promotion. What do you think?

Poor Me Another

Say No to the Auto Bailout
by Daniel J. Mitchell

This article appeared on CNN.com on November 13, 2008.

...

Getting access to taxpayer money would be akin to giving an alcoholic the key to a liquor cabinet. It also would be bad for American taxpayers and the American economy. For instance:

A bailout will hurt the overall economy by misallocating resources. When politicians grant special favors to a certain industry or a particular union, such decisions necessarily mean that market forces are being replaced by special-interest deal-making. This type of interference with free markets is why nations such as France, Germany and Japan tend to grow more slowly and enjoy less prosperity.

But if America goes down this same path of government intervention, it is inevitable that we will suffer the same fate of stagnation and higher unemployment.

A bailout will encourage other industries to seek taxpayer handouts. The Wall Street bailout was a disaster in many ways, most notably as measured by the weak stock market and economic volatility. But another negative aspect of the bailout is that other industries have now decided that it is OK to stick their snouts in the public trough, as well.

First Wall Street's high fliers get a bailout. Now the inefficient management and union at the Big Three want a handout. Who will be next in line to pillage taxpayers? Giving handouts in exchange for political support is akin to getting high. Once politicians decide they like the buzz of campaign contributions, they'll turn into junkies with ordinary Americans footing the bill.

A bailout is a perverse transfer from poor taxpayers to rich taxpayers. America's Founding Fathers surely never envisaged that the federal government would take money from one group of Americans and give it to another group. Yet much of the federal budget is devoted to redistribution programs.
Bailouts are a particularly bizarre form of redistribution, however, because the corporate bureaucrats at the Big Three are among the very richest Americans. The UAW bosses make extravagant salaries, as well, and even regular union workers make an average of approximately $70 per hour, far higher than the average American.

The government should not be in the business of giving unearned wealth to any group of citizens, but surely liberals and conservatives both can agree that politicians should not be taking money from middle class taxpayers and giving it to upper-middle class and rich taxpayers.
...

Does Emerods Mean Hemmorhoids?

1 Samuel 6:3-6 (King James Version);

4Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

5Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land.

6Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?

In Bread And Wine

Genesis 19:31-35 (King James Version)

31And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

32Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

33And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

34And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

35And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

How Embarrassing

Judges 3:18-25 (English Standard Version);

And when Ehud had finished presenting the tribute, he sent away the people who carried the tribute. But he himself turned back(A) at the idols near Gilgal and said, "I have a secret message for you, O king." And he commanded, "Silence." And all his attendants went out from his presence. And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, "I have a message from God for you." And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them.

When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, "Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber." And they waited till they were embarrassed. But when he still did not open the doors of the roof chamber, they took the key and opened them, and there lay their lord dead on the floor.

Drip, Drip, Drip

Proverbs 27:15 (King James Version);

15A continual dropping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

How About a Little Time To Lay It To Heart Before You Start Spreading Dung on Faces

Malachi 2:1-3 (King James Version);

1And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you.

2If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.

3Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

Sire Me Once, Shame on Me

Proverbs 17:16-24 (English Standard Version);

16Why should a fool have money in his hand to buy wisdom when he has no sense?
17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
18 One who lacks sense gives a pledge and puts up security in the presence of his neighbor.
19 Whoever loves transgression loves strife; he who makes his door high seeks destruction.
20 A man of crooked heart does not discover good, and one with a dishonest tongue falls into calamity.
21 He who sires a fool gets himself sorrow, and the father of a fool has no joy.
22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
23The wicked accepts a bribe in secret to pervert the ways of justice.
24 The discerning sets his face toward wisdom, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.

Dear CoCoa No GoGoa,

Thanks to your perpetually helpful suggestions, I already knew this.

I misuse the rule frequently to get your goat.

Sorry.

Your Pal,

A Prancing Grammarian

You'd Better Say Nay Or I'll Beat Your Ass

Numbers 22:28-30 (King James Version);

28And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

29And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a
sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.

30And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.

He Was Hungry You F^cking Tree

Matthew 21 (King James Version);

18Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered.

19And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away.

20And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, How soon is the fig tree withered away!

21Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.

Hello?

Will someone please entertain me?

I Said ONE Hundred Foreskins

1 Samuel 18;

24 When Saul's servants told him what David had said, 25 Saul replied, "Say to avid, 'The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.' " Saul's plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

26 When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king's son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, 27 David and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.

I have my answer

Thanks God. Racism is now officially over. Whew. A lotta people are gonna have to come up with a new set of excuses.

Dear Rusty

Dear Rusty,

Thank you for not trying to cut off my genitals with the Bible. Maybe we should not try to cook with the Bible, either. You didn't answer my question.

Therefore, today's question will be even tougher: When I'm done peeing, who do I vote for?

Seems like you've been pretty happy with the Bush 43 Presidency, should I follow your lead?

Please guide us, oh-reader-and-recapitulator-of-the-Bible's-finest-wisdom. Now is your moment to shine, and I'm not talking about putting some urine and dung on a rag and wiping things down; I'm talking REALLY shine.

Well?

Your Pal,

"A Concerned Reader"

Mean Cuisine

2 Kings 18:26-28 (King James Version);

27But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to
thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

Dear Rusty

Dear Rusty,

I am peeing in my pants. Who will win the election tomorrow?

Your Pal,

"A Concerned Reader"

(p.s., please give me no advice on genital self- or other- mutilation. I don't want to read anything else on that topic, even if God DID say to do it. According to the Infallible Bible)

Thanks Honey.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (New American Standard Bible);

11"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, 12then you shall cut off her hand; (A)you shall not show pity.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Seed

Genesis 38:8-10 (King James Version);

8And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

9And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

10And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Those of you with brothers, please advise how you handle this delicate biblical mandate.

Yet Another Reason Not to Cut Off Your Nuts

Deuteronomy 23 ;

1He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not
enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Discuss.

Stick to the tissues

A Shell Game

New Agency Proposed to Oversee Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae
By STEPHEN LABATON
Published New York Times: September 11, 2003

The Bush administration today recommended the most significant regulatory overhaul in the housing finance industry since the savings and loan crisis a decade ago.

Under the plan, disclosed at a Congressional hearing today, a new agency would be created within the Treasury Department to assume supervision of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the government-sponsored companies that are the two largest players in the mortgage lending industry.

The new agency would have the authority, which now rests with Congress, to set one of the two capital-reserve requirements for the companies. It would exercise authority over any new lines of business. And it would determine whether the two are adequately managing the risks of their ballooning portfolios.

The plan is an acknowledgment by the administration that oversight of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- which together have issued more than $1.5 trillion in outstanding debt -- is broken. A report by outside investigators in July concluded that Freddie Mac manipulated its accounting to mislead investors, and critics have said Fannie Mae does not adequately hedge against rising interest rates.

.................
Significant details must still be worked out before Congress can approve a bill. Among the groups denouncing the proposal today were the National Association of Home Builders and Congressional Democrats who fear that tighter regulation of the companies could sharply reduce their commitment to financing low-income and affordable housing.

''These two entities -- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- are not facing any kind of financial crisis,'' said Representative Barney Frank of Massachusetts, the ranking Democrat on the Financial Services Committee. ''The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.''

Representative Melvin L. Watt, Democrat of North Carolina, agreed.

''I don't see much other than a shell game going on here, moving something from one agency to another and in the process weakening the bargaining power of poorer families and their ability to get affordable housing,'' Mr. Watt said.

TGIF

Get Your Rupture Preparation K NOW!

Rusty Enterprises Co. Inc. Limited LLC, a very, very limited liability company (RUE), is making plans to sell Rupture kits in preparation for the end of days.


"The end of space/time can seem intimidating without the proper preparation," stated RUE CCC OneEar. "Although we cannot remove all of the anxiety arising from the inevitable impending destruction of the known universe, we aim to fill these final minutes with pleasant memories."


The RUE limited edition Rupture Kit will contain:

- Commemorative "My Family Went Through Armageddon and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" sleeveless t's.

- 3 bottles of scotch, 1 bottle of gin (Warning: gin should be consumed after completing all activities that you want to remember).

- 1 precocious sheep. Admit it, you've always been curious about trying it.

That's it. A t-shirt, a sheep, and 4 bottles of booze. Paaaartay!

Warning!

Please pass along this email I just received:

*****URGENT WARNING*****

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.




If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton',do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Why Does This Guy Keep Popping Up?

HON. RON PAUL OF TEXAS
Before the U.S. House of Representatives

February 15, 2006


The End of Dollar Hegemony

A hundred years ago it was called “dollar diplomacy.” After World War II, and especially after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989, that policy evolved into “dollar hegemony.” But after all these many years of great success, our dollar dominance is coming to an end.

It has been said, rightly, that he who holds the gold makes the rules. In earlier times it was readily accepted that fair and honest trade required an exchange for something of real value.

....

Even with all the shortcomings of the fiat monetary system, dollar influence thrived. The results seemed beneficial, but gross distortions built into the system remained. And true to form, Washington politicians are only too anxious to solve the problems cropping up with window dressing, while failing to understand and deal with the underlying flawed policy. Protectionism, fixing exchange rates, punitive tariffs, politically motivated sanctions, corporate subsidies, international trade management, price controls, interest rate and wage controls, super-nationalist sentiments, threats of force, and even war are resorted to—all to solve the problems artificially created by deeply flawed monetary and economic systems.

In the short run, the issuer of a fiat reserve currency can accrue great economic benefits. In the long run, it poses a threat to the country issuing the world currency. In this case that’s the United States. As long as foreign countries take our dollars in return for real goods, we come out ahead. This is a benefit many in Congress fail to recognize, as they bash China for maintaining a positive trade balance with us. But this leads to a loss of manufacturing jobs to overseas markets, as we become more dependent on others and less self-sufficient. Foreign countries accumulate our dollars due to their high savings rates, and graciously loan them back to us at low interest rates to finance our excessive consumption.

It sounds like a great deal for everyone, except the time will come when our dollars-- due to their depreciation-- will be received less enthusiastically or even be rejected by foreign countries. That could create a whole new ballgame and force us to pay a price for living beyond our means and our production. The shift in sentiment regarding the dollar has already started, but the worst is yet to come.

The agreement with OPEC in the 1970s to price oil in dollars has provided tremendous artificial strength to the dollar as the preeminent reserve currency. This has created a universal demand for the dollar, and soaks up the huge number of new dollars generated each year. Last year alone M3 increased over $700 billion.

The artificial demand for our dollar, along with our military might, places us in the unique position to “rule” the world without productive work or savings, and without limits on consumer spending or deficits. The problem is, it can’t last.

Price inflation is raising its ugly head, and the NASDAQ bubble-- generated by easy money-- has burst. The housing bubble likewise created is deflating. Gold prices have doubled, and federal spending is out of sight with zero political will to rein it in. The trade deficit last year was over $728 billion. A $2 trillion war is raging, and plans are being laid to expand the war into Iran and possibly Syria. The only restraining force will be the world’s rejection of the dollar. It’s bound to come and create conditions worse than 1979-1980, which required 21% interest rates to correct. But everything possible will be done to protect the dollar in the meantime. We have a shared interest with those who hold our dollars to keep the whole charade going.

Greenspan, in his first speech after leaving the Fed, said that gold prices were up because of concern about terrorism, and not because of monetary concerns or because he created too many dollars during his tenure. Gold has to be discredited and the dollar propped up. Even when the dollar comes under serious attack by market forces, the central banks and the IMF surely will do everything conceivable to soak up the dollars in hope of restoring stability. Eventually they will fail.

Most importantly, the dollar/oil relationship has to be maintained to keep the dollar as a preeminent currency. Any attack on this relationship will be forcefully challenged—as it already has been.

In November 2000 Saddam Hussein demanded Euros for his oil. His arrogance was a threat to the dollar; his lack of any military might was never a threat. At the first cabinet meeting with the new administration in 2001, as reported by Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill, the major topic was how we would get rid of Saddam Hussein-- though there was no evidence whatsoever he posed a threat to us. This deep concern for Saddam Hussein surprised and shocked O’Neill.

It now is common knowledge that the immediate reaction of the administration after 9/11 revolved around how they could connect Saddam Hussein to the attacks, to justify an invasion and overthrow of his government. Even with no evidence of any connection to 9/11, or evidence of weapons of mass destruction, public and congressional support was generated through distortions and flat out misrepresentation of the facts to justify overthrowing Saddam Hussein.

There was no public talk of removing Saddam Hussein because of his attack on the integrity of the dollar as a reserve currency by selling oil in Euros. Many believe this was the real reason for our obsession with Iraq. I doubt it was the only reason, but it may well have played a significant role in our motivation to wage war. Within a very short period after the military victory, all Iraqi oil sales were carried out in dollars. The Euro was abandoned.

In 2001, Venezuela’s ambassador to Russia spoke of Venezuela switching to the Euro for all their oil sales. Within a year there was a coup attempt against Chavez, reportedly with assistance from our CIA.

After these attempts to nudge the Euro toward replacing the dollar as the world’s reserve currency were met with resistance, the sharp fall of the dollar against the Euro was reversed. These events may well have played a significant role in maintaining dollar dominance.

It’s become clear the U.S. administration was sympathetic to those who plotted the overthrow of Chavez, and was embarrassed by its failure. The fact that Chavez was democratically elected had little influence on which side we supported.

Now, a new attempt is being made against the petrodollar system. Iran, another member of the “axis of evil,” has announced her plans to initiate an oil bourse in March of this year. Guess what, the oil sales will be priced Euros, not dollars.

Most Americans forget how our policies have systematically and needlessly antagonized the Iranians over the years. In 1953 the CIA helped overthrow a democratically elected president, Mohammed Mossadeqh, and install the authoritarian Shah, who was friendly to the U.S. The Iranians were still fuming over this when the hostages were seized in 1979. Our alliance with Saddam Hussein in his invasion of Iran in the early 1980s did not help matters, and obviously did not do much for our relationship with Saddam Hussein. The administration announcement in 2001 that Iran was part of the axis of evil didn’t do much to improve the diplomatic relationship between our two countries. Recent threats over nuclear power, while ignoring the fact that they are surrounded by countries with nuclear weapons, doesn’t seem to register with those who continue to provoke Iran. With what most Muslims perceive as our war against Islam, and this recent history, there’s little wonder why Iran might choose to harm America by undermining the dollar. Iran, like Iraq, has zero capability to attack us. But that didn’t stop us from turning Saddam Hussein into a modern day Hitler ready to take over the world. Now Iran, especially since she’s made plans for pricing oil in Euros, has been on the receiving end of a propaganda war not unlike that waged against Iraq before our invasion.

It’s not likely that maintaining dollar supremacy was the only motivating factor for the war against Iraq, nor for agitating against Iran. Though the real reasons for going to war are complex, we now know the reasons given before the war started, like the presence of weapons of mass destruction and Saddam Hussein’s connection to 9/11, were false. The dollar’s importance is obvious, but this does not diminish the influence of the distinct plans laid out years ago by the neo-conservatives to remake the Middle East. Israel’s influence, as well as that of the Christian Zionists, likewise played a role in prosecuting this war. Protecting “our” oil supplies has influenced our Middle East policy for decades.

But the truth is that paying the bills for this aggressive intervention is impossible the old fashioned way, with more taxes, more savings, and more production by the American people. Much of the expense of the Persian Gulf War in 1991 was shouldered by many of our willing allies. That’s not so today. Now, more than ever, the dollar hegemony-- it’s dominance as the world reserve currency-- is required to finance our huge war expenditures. This $2 trillion never-ending war must be paid for, one way or another. Dollar hegemony provides the vehicle to do just that.

For the most part the true victims aren’t aware of how they pay the bills. The license to create money out of thin air allows the bills to be paid through price inflation. American citizens, as well as average citizens of Japan, China, and other countries suffer from price inflation, which represents the “tax” that pays the bills for our military adventures. That is until the fraud is discovered, and the foreign producers decide not to take dollars nor hold them very long in payment for their goods. Everything possible is done to prevent the fraud of the monetary system from being exposed to the masses who suffer from it. If oil markets replace dollars with Euros, it would in time curtail our ability to continue to print, without restraint, the world’s reserve currency.

It is an unbelievable benefit to us to import valuable goods and export depreciating dollars. The exporting countries have become addicted to our purchases for their economic growth. This dependency makes them allies in continuing the fraud, and their participation keeps the dollar’s value artificially high. If this system were workable long term, American citizens would never have to work again. We too could enjoy “bread and circuses” just as the Romans did, but their gold finally ran out and the inability of Rome to continue to plunder conquered nations brought an end to her empire.

The same thing will happen to us if we don’t change our ways. Though we don’t occupy foreign countries to directly plunder, we nevertheless have spread our troops across 130 nations of the world. Our intense effort to spread our power in the oil-rich Middle East is not a coincidence. But unlike the old days, we don’t declare direct ownership of the natural resources-- we just insist that we can buy what we want and pay for it with our paper money. Any country that challenges our authority does so at great risk.

Once again Congress has bought into the war propaganda against Iran, just as it did against Iraq. Arguments are now made for attacking Iran economically, and militarily if necessary. These arguments are all based on the same false reasons given for the ill-fated and costly occupation of Iraq.

Our whole economic system depends on continuing the current monetary arrangement, which means recycling the dollar is crucial. Currently, we borrow over $700 billion every year from our gracious benefactors, who work hard and take our paper for their goods. Then we borrow all the money we need to secure the empire (DOD budget $450 billion) plus more. The military might we enjoy becomes the “backing” of our currency. There are no other countries that can challenge our military superiority, and therefore they have little choice but to accept the dollars we declare are today’s “gold.” This is why countries that challenge the system-- like Iraq, Iran and Venezuela-- become targets of our plans for regime change.

Ironically, dollar superiority depends on our strong military, and our strong military depends on the dollar. As long as foreign recipients take our dollars for real goods and are willing to finance our extravagant consumption and militarism, the status quo will continue regardless of how huge our foreign debt and current account deficit become.

But real threats come from our political adversaries who are incapable of confronting us militarily, yet are not bashful about confronting us economically. That’s why we see the new challenge from Iran being taken so seriously. The urgent arguments about Iran posing a military threat to the security of the United States are no more plausible than the false charges levied against Iraq. Yet there is no effort to resist this march to confrontation by those who grandstand for political reasons against the Iraq war.

It seems that the people and Congress are easily persuaded by the jingoism of the preemptive war promoters. It’s only after the cost in human life and dollars are tallied up that the people object to unwise militarism.

The strange thing is that the failure in Iraq is now apparent to a large majority of American people, yet they and Congress are acquiescing to the call for a needless and dangerous confrontation with Iran.

But then again, our failure to find Osama bin Laden and destroy his network did not dissuade us from taking on the Iraqis in a war totally unrelated to 9/11.

Concern for pricing oil only in dollars helps explain our willingness to drop everything and teach Saddam Hussein a lesson for his defiance in demanding Euros for oil.

And once again there’s this urgent call for sanctions and threats of force against Iran at the precise time Iran is opening a new oil exchange with all transactions in Euros.

Using force to compel people to accept money without real value can only work in the short run. It ultimately leads to economic dislocation, both domestic and international, and always ends with a price to be paid.

The economic law that honest exchange demands only things of real value as currency cannot be repealed. The chaos that one day will ensue from our 35-year experiment with worldwide fiat money will require a return to money of real value. We will know that day is approaching when oil-producing countries demand gold, or its equivalent, for their oil rather than dollars or Euros. The sooner the better.

Please Forward to Your Congressman/woman/transgender

Why this bailout strikes me as “odd.”

1) Congress is about to spend $850billion without holding even one day of hearings to determine what options are available and what people (other than elected officials and lobbyists) such as experts have to say.
2) Nobody seems interested in a solution which injects the same amount of capital but which rewards those who managed risk properly rather than rewarding parties who bet, lost, and now want their money back.
3) This “unprecedented” crisis has happened before and was “solved” without destroying the risk/reward paradigm which is essential to capitalism. Ex. The Swedish solution to their “unprecedented” financial crisis of the early 1990s involved preferred equity investment by the taxpayers. Or, as Luigi Zingales of the University of Chicago suggests http://faculty.chicagobooth.edu/luigi.zingales/research/papers/Why_Paulson_is_wrong.pdf, the solution could involve debt forgiveness or a debt-for-equity swap. Effectively, banks could simply be placed into receivership (as would happen with any other failing enterprise which cannot pay its creditors). Receivership would restructure the debt to pay something to the creditors, but they would bear the risk associated with the poor investments. I am sure there are other historical examples. The key question is why we are not hearing about any solutions which are consistent with the risk/reward tradeoff necessary for our investment system to function.

PS to Congress: Go Employ Autopederasty!

RUE Seeks Measly $1,000,000,000.00 Bailout

Rusty Enterprises Co. Inc. Ltd., a very, very limited liability company (RUE), announced yesterday that it needs a mere $1Billion US to meet its current financial obligations. RUE Chief Chief Chief OneEar urged law-makers to put partisanship aside in order to stabilize RUE's shaky financial situation.

"This is shaping up to be MOAB, the Mother of All Bank Runs," noted Ear. "Unless the people want a severe melt-down, the Congress needs to get off its Duff and send me $1Billion."

Ear resisted providing details on how he would spend the $1Billion. "Treasury Czar Paulson is seeking $700Billion. Why don't you worry about him and leave us alone?" queried Ear. "All we need is 1 little billion dollars."

Ear left open the possibility that he may be back in the future asking Congress for additional funds. "This crisis has traveled from Wall Street to Main Street. I just want to make sure that it travels down My Street."

4Legged F001

A Little Patience

SPADES

What A Good Wife You Would Be

Penny for Your Thoughts

Penny for Your Thoughts
By OneEar/Cocoa_no_gogo

VERSE 1
Baby, your love can’t be bought,
My love doesn’t grow on trees.
So don’t you see that we belong together
We’ll be makin’ love, hand over fist
Let’s plug the slots if you’ll please
Say you’ll put your hand over mine forever.

VERSE 2
I asked for your hand,
I reached for my coin
Shiny, round and hard with which to part.
Pulled it out of my pocket,
Warm from my loin,
Heads you’re mine, tails you’ve got my heart

CHORUS
A penny for your thoughts,
A penny for your hand,
If you ever doubt me look at the back,
You’ll know where I stand.
A house divided is a house that cannot stand,
It’s a penny for your thoughts
And a penny
For your hand.

BRIDGE
You can take a penny if you leave a penny
It’s not funny money, honey
It’s for real

INST VERSE

VERSE 3
Put your penny where your mouth is,
Put your penny on the line.
I don’t mean to be an imposition
A penny saved is a penny earned
A penny found is fine.
Won’t you say yes to my proposition.

CHORUS (repeat twice)

??

We sure owe China a lot of money. Have you ever tried dealing with a Chinese bookie? I can't recommend it. As a sign of respect for the recent passing of an American icon, I quote his most famous line, "What... we... have here, is... (WHACK!!) failure to communicate."

& The Plot Continues

After careful analysis, and multiple reviews of 'der Rustige' with a crack team of crack whores, I think I have discovered the whereabouts of Cocoa's camera. More to follow shortly.

Chapter 2 - The Saga Thickens

Exactly one week later, the guy decided to continue typing. First, he had to look up his name again, so he scrolled to Chapter 1. There it is, thought Russell.

Russell also jogged his own memory about the naked lady with the shells. He had forgotten about her but was glad to be reminded. He ran the search and “voila.” What did we ever do before the internet? We had to rely on our friends for pornography for one thing.

What product should Russell manufacture in the Far East? Russell started thinking about the recent spike in automobile fuel prices. Surely there was some way to cash in on that hysteria. How much could it possibly cost to have an electric vehicle built in China. But, then again, Russell wouldn’t want to let the cat out of the bag in his novel, now would he?

So, Russell decided to solve a murder mystery. When he entered the room, there was a body lying dead on the floor with a large Bowie knife in his back. This looks like a murder mystery all right, thought Russell. I’d better solve it.

“What it is, Chief Detective Russell?,” asked the rookie policeman.” Russell wouldn’t dignify the greenhorn’s stupid question with a response. He looked around the room for clues.

There was an open book on the table. Russell’s examination of the page revealed an opinicus, part eagle, part lion and part camel standing in front of a cross and the star of Bethlehem. In one of its paws, it held a pole with a ribbon on which was written De Praescientia Dei.

This is probably not significant, thought Russell. He was correct.

Why I Don't Answer Your Calls

1. If I wanted to talk to you, I would have called YOU.
2. I don't have caller ID because then I would be tempted to stop what I am doing to check on who is calling. If I did, and if I saw it was you, I wouldn't answer anyway.
3. You want me to give you my money. If I wanted to give you my money, I would have sent it already.
4. You want me to vote for you. I think you are an idiot, and I don't want to vote for you regardless. Are we really going to resolve this difference of opinion through a telephone conference?
5. Your machine keeps calling me. I let it talk to my machine. Maybe they'll get together and have little machines of their own. Just leave me out of it. If you have something worth saying, leave a message.
6. I spend all day talking on the phone. Why should I waste my evenings and weekends talking to you.
7. I generally get paid to talk to people. If you send me $200, then you can call me and I will talk to you.
8. If you want to argue with me, that costs double. Send me $400 and then call me and I'll explain why. Hint: It is because you are an idiot. Also, I fear that my life force is being sucked out whenever I converse with you.
9. I am not interested in limited time offers. I like my time good and eternal.

Working on My Latest Novel

CHAPTER 1

A guy was sitting in his office typing away at his keyboard. It was a cool day, but not too cool. His foot itched. He scratched it.

Suddenly, something happened that was very exciting!

Then, the guy decided to go get a cup of coffee and to figure out what his name would be. Let’s call him Russell, he thought to himself.

When Russell got back to his desk, he was disappointed to learn that no elves had completed his project. Damned elves. Russell never had liked elves. They were short and seemed untrustworthy.

Pretty soon, Russell fell in love with a girl. She had a nice rack. What would her name be?

Then Russell and Anastasia decided to go on an exciting adventure. It would be a road trip. They would drive Russell’s super-fast dune buggy which could also fly. If bad-guys got in Russell’s way, he would shoot them with the built-in rocket-launchers.

After they landed on a tropical beach, Russell decided to dump Anastasia. She had gotten pretty bitchy about flying too high and all of the shrapnel from the rockets. Russell told her that they could still be friends.

Just then, a native girl came out of the jungle wearing only a belt made of shells. She would do anything for a ride in Russell’s flying dune-buggy! Russell decided to surf the net for some porn using the search term “naked native girl wearing belt of shells.”

None of the hits on page 1 seemed appropriate, so Russell decided to refine his search. He would search for ”naked girls” and then refine the search with the term “shells.” Now he was getting somewhere.

After spending quite some time looking at images of naked women, Russell began to wonder about having something manufactured in the Far East. That seemed to be the way to do it. But what would he have made?

The concubines in Thailand must be ripe with STDs. Maybe they could institute some type of quality control system. The government could require weekly examinations and could provide a governmental certification of lack of disease. Russell suspected that such a certification would be very valuable, so any cost for the project should be easy to pass through to the consumers.

upon entering the fifth decade

"Kentucky Woman" is one of my favorite songs. Listening to it now for the first time in a very long time made me realize how fucking old I have become. Beats the alternative, I guess.

I used to listen to this song and play volleyball in the pit, drink beer, come back, occasionally assume my station ("stations everyone! stations!") and listen to "Solitary Man". We would all joke and sing "Solid, hairy man" instead, in reference to a short, swarthy and hirsute roommate we once knew. I would cut my comrades' hair on the patio. I was an amateur barber before a surgeon, upholding the tradition of the medieval barber-surgeons. (Really?)

At Christmas, most people had a "Yule Log". It was a Colonial institute, with heartfelt traditions. We sported a "Mule Log" instead, and I carried it on my strong, young back, as I used to be able to carry a keg of beer on my back when the occasion called for it. Now, I am shorter, fatter and substantially less strong. Back then, I would've looked at the current me, and assumed without reservation that I was a homosexual. There is not a chance in Hell I could put a keg on my back and lift it as I once did without having a substantial scrotal blowout.

I have lived long enough to see many of the songs/popular culture that I enjoyed when I was younger get remade, synthesized and incorporated into the current non-stop stream of crap we all wallow in now. "Girl, you'll be a woman soon" is only a splinter of an example.

My platoon (Monkey Platoon, Clown Squad) have all taken the mundane and predictable path of reproduction and are mere shadows of the men they once were. Much like the shadow of a strong man-boy with a keg of beer on his shoulder, as if in defiance of gravity itself. Bare-chested queer-bait. Aside from waning health and the also predictable breakdown of the body over the next decade or two, what does the next phase hold for these once healthy, vibrant, fun-loving lads who held the world by the throat twenty years ago?

How is it going in Louisiana, Chief

Off the Palings into the fire

I've just discovered that I am in favor of:

• Teaching creationism in schools,
• Drilling off the coast of Florida, and
• Mixing evangelism with government policy-making.

Of course, I've always been on the fence with these issues; but it took a sassy, spunky librarian with a slightly sexy twang and a fun party-girl demeanor to show me the right place to be.

Drill baby drill, indeed!

Girly man

There are those times in my life when I have acted more like a girl than a boy. I'm not even sure that it is bad thing. I like it when I'm girlish sometimes; but it is always those times that result in eventual trouble. 

I'm clueless now, but hanging in there.

Grammar Closet

"Pluperfect subjunctive! Pluperfect subjunctive!"

"Yes, Mr. NoGogo. Some of us in the class are confused about the construction of the pluperfect subjunctive as discussed in Chapter 23," Sylvia explained timidly. Sylvia Ibarra with her dark Spanish hair and her dark Spanish eyes made the most of her company-sponsored English classes believing that they were the first step on her path to Baywatch or Melrose Pace or even Webster.

Mr. NoGogo slammed his book shut with disgust.
"Have I not stood up here, Sylvia, day after day explaining mood after mood and tense after tense? What is it exactly that you've been doing? If you don't want to learn, and I mean really learn, then there is little more I can do."

Mr. NoGogo wasn't finished.
"You know, Sylvia, if I had known this morning that you were going to ask such a question, I would have had another drink – maybe even two more. Furthermore, if ten years ago, someone had told me that you were going to be sitting here today in my class, I would have hanged myself from the nearest tree."

"I need some air," he continued. "I find you people stifling. I want you to sit here and think about what you've done. Maybe when I come back, if you are ready and I mean really ready, we can accomplish something."

Outside the classroom, Mr. NoGogo checked his bag twice for his flask. He was sure he had packed it, but it wasn't there.
"Pluperfect," he muttered to himself. "How is that even possible? Pluperfect? How could something be more than perfect? How could something be perfect plus plu?"

He dragged himself back into the classroom and continued his scolding. "Sylvia, there's little left for me to say. I need you to pick up all of things including your pluperfect Spanish hair and your pluperfect Spanish eyes and the way you construe your lips so pluperfectly that one can't tell if it's a pout or a smile. Please take all of these things and go and sit in the Grammar Closet. The rest of you, I don't know! Javier, go to the board! We'll spend the remainder of this class playing Hangman.

In the back of the room Mr. NoGogo could hear Sylvia rustling inside of the Grammar Closet.
"I'm sorry", she said quietly. "If I had known my question was so unsettling, I would not have asked it."

"What's done is done, Sylvia," Mr. NoGogo responded wistfully. "There is no sense in wishing for it to be different."

In between projects

"What do you do?"

"Oh, thanks for asking. Presently, I'm in between projects. I just finished Project A and before I begin Project B I thought I would take some time to rediscover ME. You know -- do some reading, take a martini march up to my afternoon nap, and soak up the summer smells."

If only I could finish Project A. Then I would be in between.

Alain Bernard Gives Olympic Media Impromptu French Lessons

French Olympic swimming contender Alain Bernard, who was quoted as saying that the French team would "Smash the Americans" gave an impromptu lesson in French language to the media following France's loss to the U.S. in the men's 4 X 100m relay yesterday, which resulted in the U.S. team achieving a world speed-record.

Stated Bernard, "I fink zat as usual, the American media is very monolingual and stupeed. In French, when we say 'smash', zat means 'come in 2nd place'. All Europeans speak many gay languages, and know what smash means. It is always a shame to see how ignorant Americans are. I actually helped them to win the race because Americans are so unpopular in the world zees days. I was doing zees Americans team a big favor because they have to suffer George Bush. In fact, I wanted to let zee Americans win, so I have done just as I predicted. Eet eez too bad zat ze media, as usual, understands nuh-sing."


When asked about the gesture he is making in the photo above, asked whether this meant "number one for France", he was noted to reply, "Don't be stupeed. I am showing the finger I am going to put in the bums of my teammates because we sometimes have group sex for fun. You are very ignorant."

Bunderkraut Admits He Had Affair

Former Dem candidate tells ABC News he lied, but denies he is baby's father

• Video: Repeated denials
• Search for more information on Bunder Kraut
  

Brett Favre Takes 1st Dump as a Jet

Hall-of-fame-to-be quarterback Brett Favre just completed his first bowel movement as a New Jersey Jet! More details to follow.

Economy?

OneEar, congratulations on that summarization of the Favre phenomenon and your suggestions for repairs. Now, aside from hanging Alan Greenspan in public for his typical governmental incompetence and near-two-decade stretch of irresponsible misreading of the economy and mis-assigning the federal interest rate, do you have other suggestions for improving the American economy? And, more importantly, can you make more money for me without requiring too much effort on my part? Thank you, you may proceed.

OneEar Is Re-Arisen!

OneEar has re-seized the throne!

Enough Korean cuisine news!
Enough images of California service stations!
In short, enough of DokBok and his puppet regime!

Let's get back to the core beliefs that hold us FU-ing together.
Where is the rhino news?
Where is the Abu Gogo news?
Where is Coco's camera?

And, in the end, where is the music?

Why has someone not brought this to my attention?

How long have you all known this and not made me aware? I must say I'm very disappointed in the general hierarchy and the parishioners. It reminds me of this.

Take Two Assburns and Call Me in the Moanin'

For the record, I've decided to document Dok Bok's long and continuing list of misdiagnoses relating to the health of your hero and mine, me.

• Fall, 1986 - OneEar breaks the middle joint on his thumb. Bok, practicing medicine without a license (or even a degree in biology or zoology or psychology or whatever he "studied") assures the young, naive OneEar that he can safely play volleyball in a cast.
• Spring, 1987. OneEar falls off of a mountain and is miraculously saved by a vine that catches him by the throat. Bok, again drunk and unlicensed, prescribes OneEar 750 mL bourbon, stat.
• Fall, 1990 - OneEar is forced to have knee surgery due to a rugby injury. Bok's physical therapy regiment consists of climbing the football stadium wall and then hobbling around without crutches.
• Fall, 1992 - OneEar begins suffering from a long and increasingly problematic series of digestive issues which Dok Bok believes to be "restless insides syndrome."
• Spring, 2006. OneEar's symptoms following an incident in which someone falls on his leg during a basketball game include extreme shooting, throbbing ankle pain, extreme swelling, and a "broken ankle-like appearance." Dok Bok diagnoses pancreatitis due to alcohol abuse.
• Spring, 2007. OneEar begins suffering with increasing frequency from what appear from the inside to be heart attacks. Although the incidents are later properly diagnosed by another doctor as atrial fibrillation, Dok Bok chalks it all up to "The Holidays."

Still Drinking on Fridays Despite Eating Rat Poison

Bunderwear has the gall to ask me why I haven't posted a follow-up informing the loyal reading public as to what Mrs.Ear and I did on our 10th wedding anniversary. #1 - As I told you, I'm still working on the powerpoint presentation. #2 - You are in charge of the blog now. YOU post something about my 10th wedding anniversary. Then I'll sit back and write smug anonymous comments. You know the old saying, "Turn-around, it's fair play."

In other news, this kind of thing always intrigues me. What, you are surely asking yourself, makes this so remarkable? This young lady lists among her many accomplishments that she was "born underwater." Firstly, I am not sure that it is fair to take credit for the actions of your mother or in her choice of where to ejaculate you from her crotch. Secondly, I personally have known several carp who were "born underwater," and they never got their own websites.

There is also a religiosity about this website which might easily be attributed to pandering. Such attribution would not seem far-fetched given what seems to be going on. The term "self-aggrandizement" comes to mind, only it is someone whom this particular self excreted that is being aggrandized.

This is what makes it intriguing. All of this is going on, as it is happening in so many "American Idle" inspired households, and yet beneath the nonsense, there is something bubbling which seems almost artistic. http://www.artakiane.com/akiane_art.htm#

We seem comfortable with the realization that art can emerge out of extremely harsh circumstances. It is much tougher to stomach the reality that Justin Timberlake actually has some talent. But there it is.

It reminds me of a meme.

Now, what the hell did I do on my anniversary?

Recrap

This is a recrap of Rusty 2008 - The Bloodletting.

The event was held at the house of your hero and mine, your's truly in Wisconsin.

On Thursday evening, Alceste arrived. He and I went to the Rathskellar to hear a bluegrass band, but, as expected, as soon as I returned with our beer, the tune they were playing ended and the band began packing up their shit. For some reason, this always seems to happen to us.

So, we drank up and then drove to another tavern to hear a blues guitarist named Catfish Stephenson who was accompanied by an electric bassist.



Alceste and I hung out for two sets which were fantastic. However, it is disheartening to watch someone who is that good picking a guitar sitting in a nearly empty bar, and it is even more disheartening to consider that, try as you might, you will never be in the same league with Catfish. Eventually, we'd had enough, and we headed out for my house.

On the way, we stopped at Le Tigre Lounge for a few Martinis. Le Tigre is a place in a strip mall and, from the outside, it looks like a place in a strip mall. However, once through the doors, you are in a lounge. Frank on the dime jukebox if the piano isn't being played, velvet everywhere, and tiger decor which makes the phrase "over the top" seem under the bottom.

Eventually, we left Le Tigre and went to my house. I believe we went across the street for a few beers at the Gone Fish Inn, but we may have just drank outside at my house or both, I can't really keep the nights straight. Eventually, we retired for the evening.

Friday morning, Mrs. Ear was up and out before I awoke. We got the boy to school, dropped the girl at daycare, and then headed for the airport to pick up Doc Bok. I think we stopped at Bennett's smut and eggs on the way home, though they only have smut on Saturdays and Sundays, so we just had bloody marys.
From there, we hit the grocery to pick up some sausages and bourbon. While we were commandeering supplies, Coco was making his way northward. His first assignment - pick up Bunderwear at the airport. Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Just Us, the following happened, though I'm not sure in what order:
we went to the yellow house bar, scene of the famous incident when DBok wanted to suck Randy's dick. DBok wanted to punch, kick, and/or lick Bunderwear's testicles.
started a fire
DBok career counseled BJ to leave his wife, job, and life. This was the last time the bar was open.
could not start the LP grill
fire went out
we went to a bar to hear a band
Bunderwear and I went to the house of an origami and her husband
Jack the giant bartender and I played guitar
we burned the christmas tree
it rained
the fire went out
Coco took a long, long nap
Dok Bok took a long, long nap
climbed up a hill
threw up
we went to the terrace and Bunderwear went to the airport
we went to the jam
dropped off Alceste and DBok
Coco went home
I tried to piece myself back together

It's not getting any better

Some sheep have referred to me as an "autopederast", but I am actually a "no-auto pedestrian". Occasionally, I run out into the street and pour a glass of gasoline on the pavement and run away giggling like a school girl.

Maybe not 'Breathtaking'

Alright, OneEar. Here's the rest of the scene, which I didn't do justice by honing in on the gas prices (notice how much they went up, just over the weekend).
Mind you, it's no Verona, but there are worser places to live, and I should know. There are also considerably cheaper places to live. So, like the California Council on Tourism states: "Come to California, where your 4-story mansion can be sold in whatever respective state you happen to live in now, just to make a down-payment on one of our premier 1-bedroom roach-infested condominiums."

L.A., Smell-A.

This is the view from my balcony in the City of Angels
Jealous of our gas prices?
I am a pedestrian (and yes, a renter, Commandant Bunderkraut) so, in the words of Nelson Mundt, ha ha.

Tin or Aluminum

On the forthcoming Friday the 13th, Ms. Ear and I will be celebrating our 10th year of marital bliss.

I'm in need of a few good ideas for a gift, activity or something else which would make it clear to a person's friends that the person's husband is not the jack-ass he appears to be but is rather really very romantic and perhaps worth trying to have an affair with. Ms. Ear's suggestion for a theme, "Aren't you dead yet?" doesn't carry the right pizzazz for a milestone such as a decade of only having sex with one person.

Does anybody have any good 10th wedding anniversary suggestions? I think Ms. Ear has stopped reading this blog, but, just in case, use code-names.

Is the name 'Mount Horeb' a coincidence?

Verona? Perhaps. Mount Horeb? I think not. Yaweh? OneEar? Moses? Fifteeen, I mean ten, Ten Commandments? No. Way.


Now, clowns are certainly capable of destroying the real thing just to make a point and then quickly crafting a counterfeit set, but they are not as likely to slaughter the idol worshipers, because the Churck is rather dependent upon them.

And just to separate fact from fiction, this-ee here bush burned right up like a bottle-rocket in the hand of a drunkard. But it did, in fact, occur in the field where Jethro's flock grazed. Jethro Tull, that is. Who not only grazed his flock in the fields in which the burning bush appeared (on Mt. Horeb), but also, COINCIDENTALLY invented the horse-drawn plough which revolutionized British agriculture some several thousand-odd years later. AND hired Ian Anderson to hop on one foot and play the flute.

To quote the famous aircraft LED ZEPPELIN, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

Didn't we do all of this already before? I have film footage on the Mount that suggests we have, complete with Bigfoot-Alceste lumbering through the brambles on his upward journey to the summit, along with Cocoa, clinging to flimsy roots, fighting gravity and balancing a naturally-fermented adult beverage, in search of Bunderkraut's "glasses".

Dream Weaver

I have another one of my patented "Great Ideas" (TM). I will file an application with the US Copyright Office to copyright the pattern of the brainwaves generated by REM sleep. Then, anyone who dreams will be infringing upon my copyright and will owe me royalties and attorney fees.


It is my understanding that all animals superior in the chain of command to the duck-billed platypus require REM sleep, so this simple copyright filing should make me the supreme ruler of all mammals. (I can't recall whether the platypus will or will not be under my dominion, so that might present an opportunity for someone out there). If it turns out that there actually is a God, all available evidence indicates that he/she/transgender would require REM sleep and will therefore be under my control as well.


Finally I am getting somewhere.

Run, Don't Walk, to the theaters to see 'Speed Racer'

For those of us who enjoyed the show as a child, this movie is f*&^%ng awesome. It's like the original animation on steroids, crack and acid. All at the same time. But don't believe me.

With a character cast such as Trixie, Spritle and Chim-Chim, portrayed by veteran performers Susan Sarandon and John Goodman, this is a home run by the Wachowski brothers (The Matrix). The only performer that you may take some exception to is Korean pop-star Rain. That's ok.

There are tender moments, too, for the ladies. Inspector Detector's discussion of the loss of Rex Racer was heart-rending. And speaking of Rex Racer's disappearance, there is intrigue and betrayal, as well (RAIN!!!). Finally, learning from the massive success of the original TV series, the season-ending multi-part long-distance road rally is lifted directly into this movie--some of you loyal fans will remember the frustration you felt as children having to wait first for part 2, then part 3 and then part 4, which was no doubt maddening and has increased your therapy bills--but the movie does not end there. I won't even discuss the MACH 6....

Let the Games Begin!

Wish us luck on this Eve of Rustification. God knows what will happen this year; number 16.

"Hey, lighten up, OneEar!"

Fear Not, Goat-Petters: There is a Problem with Hell

Goat-petters, you may be persuaded to "die in Hell" because of OneEar's persuasive persuasion, but there are a few things that should be considered. Well, perhaps only one.

Be that as it may, as a frequent recipient of said "petting" by "goat" "petters", I would like to dispel any fears any potential "petters" may have, and I would also stand in the way of any sort of campaign of fear, such as that of OneEar's latest intimating that goat petters may "die in Hell".

You see, even if goat petters wanted to "die in Hell", there is a problem. Evidently, logic is unable to locate Hell. How is one supposed to go there to die, if it can't be found? There are goats that need petting, and this can't likely be accomplished if one were to spend all of his time looking around the stacks of logic and reasoning to no avail.

And this raises a larger issue: If no one can find Hell in the wider arena of sensible thinking, what about religion? You just can't have religion with no Hell. Catholics caught on to that right from the beginning. Why do you think they paid Dante so much for his architectural designs? Religion with no Hell is worse than a chick-flick with no obligatory sex-scene: no one will be able to con their boyfriends/husbands into watching. It's simply a non-option to the intellectually honest.

The implications of this shine an unwanted spotlight on institutions such as our own "ChurcK", and one might think that OneEar may have chosen to think before posting, rather than during.

All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon... in the middle... of the road.
And he said:

"Play the best song in the world, or I'll eat your soul."

Die In Hell Goat-Petters

I was at a zoo recently with my children, and you would not believe what I saw: people petting goats! Right out in the public! And children were doing it too, right in front of their parents! I couldn't believe my eyes. Multiculturalism is ruining this country.

Non-religion is just as much of a religion as religion. It is simple. If you don't believe in the supernatural, then you have a supernatural belief in the non-supernatural. Either way, you believe in the supernatural.

Let's come at it from another angle. Say you don't believe in angles. Well, then how could there be "another" angle. There has to be an angle in order to be another angle. Likewise, you can't have an evidence-based system unless you believe in the absence of evidence, ie faith.

When you push it far enough, any of the secular humanist "laws" of physics are only established as matters of faith. Gravity, after all, is just a theory. Just because you fell down before, that doesn't mean you will fall the next time you, well, fall. You must admit that it is entirely possible that you will fly off like Superman the next time you stumble. But no, you take it on faith that you will fall, so you put your hands out to protect your face. The same goes for religion.

God has dictated very clearly that goat-petting is wrong. Satan has the hooves of a goat. Goats are used in pagan sacrifices. I could go on and on.

Yet despite the clear and unambiguous word of God, some people cannot resist the temptation to pet goats. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I've never thought about petting goats myself. But I did not act on those desires because God told me not to and I knew that was the devil creeping into my thoughts to make me do evil.

Idiot Chef: The Days of Peanut Butter Chicken Have Gone

Ingredients:

a. 1 3-pound chicken
b. 1 Surly attitude, matured on the Eastern Shore
c. 1 Jar "Skippy" brand peanut butter, smooth&creamy
d. 1 pack of matches
e. 1 cold winter night
f. 1 fifth of cheap-ass whiskey
g. dime-bag of "oregano"
h. delusions of culinary grandeur
i. City of Williamsburg Fire Department representatives, on the clock
j. two cases of beasty beer

Begin with 'b'. Add 'j' over early part of evening, combined with 'g'. Use this combination to develop fierce case of munchies. Throw rocket-fuel into the mix by complaining about everyone being a bunch of p*ssies because they won't drink 'f' with you. Conduct activities on 'e'. Settle down into a state of marginal motor control in basement apartment with winter coat on. Slur words as you again remind others that they are p*ssies, and that you are hungry. Offer to help others who state that they, too, are close to starving, by returning to 'h'.

Find 'a' in the refrigerator. Have no idea how long it has been there or where the pisser is. Place in frying pan. Cover with 'c', with very little attention to detail. Attempt to heat, to no avail. Become annoyed with slowness of electric heating conduits. Take remaining 3 Oz of 'f', and pour on 'a'. Go through many of the contents of 'd' before sending 4ft flames toward the ceiling. Start some fast-talking, despite loss of refined motor control, when 'i' show up. Assure anyone who will listen that everything is 'ok'.

Old Man often sings of Old Men

Old man lying
by the side of the road
With the lorries rolling by,
Blue moon sinking
from the weight of the load
And the building scrape the sky,
Cold wind ripping
down the allay at dawn
And the morning paper flies,
Dead man lying
by the side of the road
With the daylight in his eyes.

Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Blind man running
through the light
of the night
With an answer in his hand,
Come on down
to the river of sight
And you can really understand,
Red lights flashing
through the window
in the rain,
Can you hear the sirens moan?
White cane lying
in a gutter in the lane,
If you're walking home alone.

Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Just find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning,
Just find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Back to the Suture

It has been suggested for The Rusty Sessions 2008 that we should return to our roots. Does anybody know where we left our roots? Coco, you tend to collect that sort of thing. Do you have our roots?

I am working on the set list.
Something
High Heeled Sneakers

Please forward any other requests.

Heather Mills headed for Verona

Recently, OneEar has confessed to never playing any of those songs which Ms. Mills, by all rights, really deserves credit and financial compensation for. (REALLY, Sir Paul, where do you get off? Did you think your wife's only talent was demonstrating her birth canal for money?) At the risk of being out of line, BurgerMeister Meisterburger's regime has officially extended an all-expenses-paid invitation to Ms. Mills for the upcoming Rusty Sessions recording gala/fiasco. "We will finally get someone to play that lesbian piss-boy we have contemplated for years, thanks to Ms. Mills," was the official statement. Let's just hope OneEar doesn't aggravate this charming woman by playing any of her songs.

Moses Dead. Twice as Corny.

Years ago, I remember chatting with Moses before he could afford to purchase brand-name underwear. I tried to do him a favor and use my shaman's Magic Wand to turn his hedgehog-skin shirt into a Faconable french-cuffed pin-striped shirt, but something went wrong with the incantation, as you can see. Or am I smoking a cigarette, held at great distance from my face to avoid the obvious fire hazard? The Jerk-Off (TM) Drive could answer the question, since all of my drinking makes me less reliable as time passes.

Rest In Peace, Captain George Taylor. Say 'hi' to Cornelius.

"You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"

Help Jack Off

Professor Michio Kaku, of City University in New York, has ruled out time travel for at least a few millennia, but believes invisibility cloaks and telepathy could be possible this century.

Well, smarty pants, why can't I invent my Jack-off Drive (TM) now with technology brought to me from the future by a Jack-off Driver (TM)? I will consider Jack-off Driving backwards to move the technology farther into the past of space-time, but I will decline to do so because it would make my Jack-off Drive obsolete and therefore worthless in my present and will not buy me a new boat.

I had not considered creating an invisibility cloak, but, once I've worked out the details of the Jack-off Drive (TM), I will go back and think of that one earlier.

As for telepathy, I can see no practical benefits to that given the widespread availability of CB radios.

You guys all went off to a different blog without telling me, didn't you?

Well. Just admit it. I can be in a blog all by myself. I don't care if no one approved of the deutschmark takeover. I'll just keep reading my own witty and High-sterically annoying entries. So there. I don't even like any of you, anyways. Ha. I had sadly predicted this moment from the start. **sigh**

Churck Flock awaits instructions from new Chancellor while Lawyers sue to halt destruction of Universe

Whilst a committed following of Churck-goers awaits instructions from their new Fearless Leader, a group of crazed Hawai'ins has employed Lawyers to save the universe. I swear I am not making this up. Evidently, two over-baked Hawai'ns have decided that the research being conducted at Fermilab and CERN in France/Switzerland--practically in their backyard--poses an environmental risk in the form of black hole formation and stranglet production ('stranglets' have nothing to do with autoerotic asphyxiation, followers). The Hawai'ins feel that the risk of forming runaway black holes willy-nilly that will engulf the planet and all nearby matter and light is legitimate enough to get lawyers involved and waste bazillions of dollars and tie up the federal court system even further. The lawyers, in their inevitable shrewdness, wisdom and desire for financial gain from even the most mentally disabled members of our society ("it'll be like takin' candy from a baby...just sign here to retain my services, Mr. Cookadoodle Do") have agreed to take the case.

"There's gotta be some way to make money off of this," as ex-Chancellor OneEar LaBona put it, walking down the steps of the Madison, WI courthouse in 12 inches of late March snow. And "Honestly, I can't think of a better or more appropriate use of the Federal Judicial System. It was designed for things like this, you know, things like spending enormous amounts of time and money coming to decisions and passing judgments on foreign entities, like CERN, regarding completely preposterous allegations that will immediately and indefinitely be ignored. Right? Ergo, ice-cream and a nap. It's really simple. I can't understand the controversy. For a short while, I taught a course on this in the local law school, but there was this 'tenure' stuff and restrictions on teaching 'unorthodox methodology' and I really got railroaded out of that one, but, you see what I'm saying, right?"