Sunday, April 20, 2008
Idiot Chef: The Days of Peanut Butter Chicken Have Gone
a. 1 3-pound chicken
b. 1 Surly attitude, matured on the Eastern Shore
c. 1 Jar "Skippy" brand peanut butter, smooth&creamy
d. 1 pack of matches
e. 1 cold winter night
f. 1 fifth of cheap-ass whiskey
g. dime-bag of "oregano"
h. delusions of culinary grandeur
i. City of Williamsburg Fire Department representatives, on the clock
j. two cases of beasty beer
Begin with 'b'. Add 'j' over early part of evening, combined with 'g'. Use this combination to develop fierce case of munchies. Throw rocket-fuel into the mix by complaining about everyone being a bunch of p*ssies because they won't drink 'f' with you. Conduct activities on 'e'. Settle down into a state of marginal motor control in basement apartment with winter coat on. Slur words as you again remind others that they are p*ssies, and that you are hungry. Offer to help others who state that they, too, are close to starving, by returning to 'h'.
Find 'a' in the refrigerator. Have no idea how long it has been there or where the pisser is. Place in frying pan. Cover with 'c', with very little attention to detail. Attempt to heat, to no avail. Become annoyed with slowness of electric heating conduits. Take remaining 3 Oz of 'f', and pour on 'a'. Go through many of the contents of 'd' before sending 4ft flames toward the ceiling. Start some fast-talking, despite loss of refined motor control, when 'i' show up. Assure anyone who will listen that everything is 'ok'.