Monday, August 11, 2008

Alain Bernard Gives Olympic Media Impromptu French Lessons

French Olympic swimming contender Alain Bernard, who was quoted as saying that the French team would "Smash the Americans" gave an impromptu lesson in French language to the media following France's loss to the U.S. in the men's 4 X 100m relay yesterday, which resulted in the U.S. team achieving a world speed-record.

Stated Bernard, "I fink zat as usual, the American media is very monolingual and stupeed. In French, when we say 'smash', zat means 'come in 2nd place'. All Europeans speak many gay languages, and know what smash means. It is always a shame to see how ignorant Americans are. I actually helped them to win the race because Americans are so unpopular in the world zees days. I was doing zees Americans team a big favor because they have to suffer George Bush. In fact, I wanted to let zee Americans win, so I have done just as I predicted. Eet eez too bad zat ze media, as usual, understands nuh-sing."

When asked about the gesture he is making in the photo above, asked whether this meant "number one for France", he was noted to reply, "Don't be stupeed. I am showing the finger I am going to put in the bums of my teammates because we sometimes have group sex for fun. You are very ignorant."


OneEar said...

These Olympic games have boosted my ego quite substantially.

I had forgotten what an athlete I am until I saw footage reminding me that the following are actually sports:

-shooting an airgun;
-rowing a boat;
-riding a pedal-bike.

Pretty soon they'll start calling hitting a ball with a stick a sport.

Doug Dog said...

Hi Doc Bok,
This one made me feel very good! I had heard Bernard’s lunatic ravings the day before, and it did my heart good when I saw the results. And this “superman”, the world record holder a few days before and with a full body lead, got beat by a 32-year old guy (almost an old fart by swimming traditions). Let’s hear it for the old fogies!!! Maybe Bernard should compete in Calaveras County.

Litzi said...

Is Calaveras County where the jumping frog contest is held annually (Mark Twain) or do they manufacture Calvados brandy?

Doc Bok said...

Calvados brandy is from Normandy in France. It is the only place in the world where the real stuff is made. It is apple-flavored, made from repeat distillation of apple cider. It is so strong that the apple is difficult to appreciate. Well, looky there: This conversation has come full-circle.

Perhaps that was your intention, Litzi.

Litzi said...

Hi Doc Bok,
Pardon, Monsieur?

My fran├žais professor in college inhaled Calvados (along with Johnny Walker and putrid cigars) which was when I first learned about it…

Doc Bok said...

Litz, how would you know that...unless...LITZI!!

Were you being "tutored" by your French professor?!?

Egads and Odds-bodkins.

Kelly said...

First rule of competitive sports: NEVER tell the media you are going to whoop someone's ass before it actually happens. It's a recipe for disaster and it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person or country.

Litzi said...

Hi Doc Bok,
NO, I wasn’t being tutored by my fran├žais professor!! He was the stereotype lecherous Frenchman, about 30 years old and working towards a PhD in psychiatry at Stanford University, while teaching basic French 101 to undergraduates to help out financially. This was back in the Dark Ages before sexual harassment in the work environment (or classroom) came into vogue, so the atmosphere was quite permissive. He’d come into class reeking of Johnny Walker (Calvados?) with a damn cigar hanging out of his mouth and regale us with lurid details of his recent exploits (conquests?). He basically ignored all the young men in the room but loved the women. Occasionally one of the guys in the class would complain about the subjectivity to no avail…