Friday, March 28, 2008

Churck Flock awaits instructions from new Chancellor while Lawyers sue to halt destruction of Universe

Whilst a committed following of Churck-goers awaits instructions from their new Fearless Leader, a group of crazed Hawai'ins has employed Lawyers to save the universe. I swear I am not making this up. Evidently, two over-baked Hawai'ns have decided that the research being conducted at Fermilab and CERN in France/Switzerland--practically in their backyard--poses an environmental risk in the form of black hole formation and stranglet production ('stranglets' have nothing to do with autoerotic asphyxiation, followers). The Hawai'ins feel that the risk of forming runaway black holes willy-nilly that will engulf the planet and all nearby matter and light is legitimate enough to get lawyers involved and waste bazillions of dollars and tie up the federal court system even further. The lawyers, in their inevitable shrewdness, wisdom and desire for financial gain from even the most mentally disabled members of our society ("it'll be like takin' candy from a baby...just sign here to retain my services, Mr. Cookadoodle Do") have agreed to take the case.

"There's gotta be some way to make money off of this," as ex-Chancellor OneEar LaBona put it, walking down the steps of the Madison, WI courthouse in 12 inches of late March snow. And "Honestly, I can't think of a better or more appropriate use of the Federal Judicial System. It was designed for things like this, you know, things like spending enormous amounts of time and money coming to decisions and passing judgments on foreign entities, like CERN, regarding completely preposterous allegations that will immediately and indefinitely be ignored. Right? Ergo, ice-cream and a nap. It's really simple. I can't understand the controversy. For a short while, I taught a course on this in the local law school, but there was this 'tenure' stuff and restrictions on teaching 'unorthodox methodology' and I really got railroaded out of that one, but, you see what I'm saying, right?"

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