The recent cold snap here in the Midwest is causing me to rethink my decision to place the poles of redemption outdoors. Several of the FU Dancers are now stuck in compromising positions, and their complaints are becoming quite shrill.
I had read, in several of the leading treatises on the subject, that first time strippers should avoid the pole. However, I didn't realize that there was any danger of the shall we say "moist tissues" becoming affixed to the frozen pole. My bad.
I recall a similar scene in the movie The Christmas Story. So, this got me to thinking. Perhaps we should leave them out there through the holiday season. It will be kind of a Munitions Day manger scene type thing.
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Fallen, Barbecued Hero
What do you have to do to get some attention these days? Malachi Ritscher was not just any man. In fact, no man is any man. No, Malachi Ritscher was passionate, strong-willed, and flammable. And, on November 3, 2006, Malachi set himself on fire in the name of something.
And yet, despite the fact that his self-combustion was videotaped, and despite his carefully planned and executed diary/suicide note, and despite pouring gasoline on himself and then lighting his own wick near a busy intersection in downtown Chicago, nobody seemed to notice for 5 days. I guess people just don't appreciate a genius when they see his charred carcass smoldering by the off-ramp.
As an aside, I note that Mr. Ritscher "paid $25 to become an ordained minister with the Missionaries of the New Truth..." Perhaps that would be a good fund-raising system. I also note that he "claimed to be able to recite the infinite number Pi to more than 1,000 decimal places." If only he had found the True Churck before he found the matches.
But, back to the point. What kind of stunt could FU followers possibly pull to get some decent publicity?
Eureka!
Coco could acquire a list of the patients on whom LBok will be performing surgery in a given month. Then, Alceste could sneak into their homes to acquire some small personal momentos. (Coco would create the diversion). The momentos could be irradiated with special lettering and then inserted into the patients by LBok during surgery. BundesKraut could file suit against all of the people on some pretense or another and depose them all on the same day. At their deposition, the lights would be dimmed and a giant x-ray machine would be activated to reveal, in glowing letters on keepsake objects within their own bodies, the message, "Baaaaaaa if you love Rusty." Bring up the stage lights and the FU Dancers are positioned on their poles. ML fires up the vibrator chips and everybody erupts into a pineapplesque orgasm.
We'll put the whole thing on YouTube.
And yet, despite the fact that his self-combustion was videotaped, and despite his carefully planned and executed diary/suicide note, and despite pouring gasoline on himself and then lighting his own wick near a busy intersection in downtown Chicago, nobody seemed to notice for 5 days. I guess people just don't appreciate a genius when they see his charred carcass smoldering by the off-ramp.
As an aside, I note that Mr. Ritscher "paid $25 to become an ordained minister with the Missionaries of the New Truth..." Perhaps that would be a good fund-raising system. I also note that he "claimed to be able to recite the infinite number Pi to more than 1,000 decimal places." If only he had found the True Churck before he found the matches.
But, back to the point. What kind of stunt could FU followers possibly pull to get some decent publicity?
Eureka!
Coco could acquire a list of the patients on whom LBok will be performing surgery in a given month. Then, Alceste could sneak into their homes to acquire some small personal momentos. (Coco would create the diversion). The momentos could be irradiated with special lettering and then inserted into the patients by LBok during surgery. BundesKraut could file suit against all of the people on some pretense or another and depose them all on the same day. At their deposition, the lights would be dimmed and a giant x-ray machine would be activated to reveal, in glowing letters on keepsake objects within their own bodies, the message, "Baaaaaaa if you love Rusty." Bring up the stage lights and the FU Dancers are positioned on their poles. ML fires up the vibrator chips and everybody erupts into a pineapplesque orgasm.
We'll put the whole thing on YouTube.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Pole Position
I was feeling a little sorry for myself over the holidays. Sorry to be profane, but I got to the point where I had to say, "Froach this mubil-harfing sterk!" I've been giving my froaching heart and soul to try to grow this mubil-sterking Churck. I've formed companies, I've formed governments, and yet, the FU is just not growing as fast as other religions.
Christianity adds 46 million per year, Islam adds 29 million per year, and here we are with a lousy 6 or so members. Even Jesus had 13 disciples. Come on people.
Ms. Litzi's proposal to screen XXX movies got me to thinking. (I assume she was being fascetious as it is obviously inappropriate to show XXX movies at a religious institution).
Announcing the FU Dancers and the pole of redemption.
I found a source where we can order the pole. Selling home poles for "the hottest health & fitness craze to sweep the nation in years," Lil'Mynx seems like just the kind of resource we need to bring this fantasy home.
I also located a blog By Strippers For Strippers which has a veritable plethora of gamps. Many of them sound like just the kind of people we need to ride our poles. We will have them perform to Solomon's Song. It will be a BYOB kind of deal with $12.00 Pepsis. You know the drill.
Christianity adds 46 million per year, Islam adds 29 million per year, and here we are with a lousy 6 or so members. Even Jesus had 13 disciples. Come on people.
Ms. Litzi's proposal to screen XXX movies got me to thinking. (I assume she was being fascetious as it is obviously inappropriate to show XXX movies at a religious institution).
Announcing the FU Dancers and the pole of redemption.
I found a source where we can order the pole. Selling home poles for "the hottest health & fitness craze to sweep the nation in years," Lil'Mynx seems like just the kind of resource we need to bring this fantasy home.I also located a blog By Strippers For Strippers which has a veritable plethora of gamps. Many of them sound like just the kind of people we need to ride our poles. We will have them perform to Solomon's Song. It will be a BYOB kind of deal with $12.00 Pepsis. You know the drill.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Pineapple Abducted!
After having recently solved the space-time hoop question put to her by OneEar, Ms. Pineapple has been selected for higher orders of business by Earth's closest galactic neighbors who have been frustrated until now at the lack of substrate they have been observing in WalMart. It was the Cheerleader Advisor's lack of response to OneEar's inane proposition that first showed up on the observer's radar screen. Expecting a smart-alecky remark from someone with her particular background and social restraints, the Neighbors were intrigued by the silent contemplation. Following this, much to the Neighbor's delight, Pineapple posted a simple mathematical explanation as to why repetitive singularities are impossible within the same material subset (i.e., "our" universe). She also posted the axiom that singularities occur, repeat and are in constant flux, but not within the same dimensional realities. That also, incidentally, explains the single lost sock after the dryer has completed its cycle.
Following Pineapple's posting, the Neighbors deftly manipulated the space-time continuum such that the posting was erased three seconds before it was uploaded, took her out for dinner and drinks, then brought her back to their place where they made mad, passionate love. She earned it, for God's sake. They then eliminated all traces of her on the Internet, along with all of her clothes, and suspended her naked, in a post-orgasmic slumber, over the family farm of that good-looking kid in high-school who said "no" to her invitation to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Why don't you Bathe? Childrens Book
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Time/space Infinity Hoop
A while back, K "the Growler" 9 deposited the interesting posit that the Big Bang and the Big Rupture may be the same event!?!
As promised, I asked Ms. Pineapple about the validity of this proposition. I think we may have stumped her.
FU Elders will meet over the next several years to decipher exactly what this means relative to the search for a "Grand" Unified Theory and for your soul.
As promised, I asked Ms. Pineapple about the validity of this proposition. I think we may have stumped her.
UPDATE:
OneEar on: 10/26/2006 5:02:08 PM Message:
Reply author: CheerCoachBPW Replied on: 11/18/2006 8:40:54 PM Message:is it possible/likely that all is a hoop which begins/ends at the same moment of
infinite singularity?
I feel your pain! My cheerleaders started out the same way. My assistant coach and I finally had to sit them down and tell them that one more issue arises we will collect their uniforms! Its hard if you coach pop warner because of the backlash from parents, but the bottom line is...they are there to represent their town! If they can't behave then they have no right to wear the uniform. Or another way to look at it...They won't be able to argue and bicker while doing push-ups! hahahaha. Its works like a charm!
FU Elders will meet over the next several years to decipher exactly what this means relative to the search for a "Grand" Unified Theory and for your soul.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Nutty
Sometimes, when I am holed up in my office, I begin to fantasize that people are generally fundamentally good. In order to shock myself back into reality, I like to take a trip to Wal-Mart. I just returned from such a re-awakening expedition, and my contempt for mankind is refreshingly renewed.
It is not the shelf after shelf of slave labor by foreign children that bothers me so much. Slaves do need to work or else what good are they? And I certainly cannot afford more than $4.00 for a 3-pack of T-shirts. What do you expect me to do, wear a stained undergarment?
The troubling thing about Wal-Mart is not Wal-Mart, it is the Wal-Martians. This is a species of obese, mentally challenged creatures that wanders the aisles aimlessly amassing stuff. You can tell by the glazed look in their eyes that they have surrendered completely, and the slave-master has been enslaved.
These zombies insist upon getting in my way at each and every turn of my journey, and they are the very definition of inefficiency. Why must you and your family stop at the entrance in a Red-Rover formation while you view the crap that is on special? Why must you place your cart directly in my way before you back across the aisle to view some non-existent fantasy-item on the top shelf? Why do you insist upon choosing the only item in the entire store without a bar code so that we all have to wait while Lawn&Garden figures out how much to charge for a rake?
The ostensible reason for my journey amongst the Wal-Martians was because of the holidays. We are deep frying a turkey for Thanksgiving because that is how the Pilgrims would have done it if they were alive today and if they had modified the turkey into a grotesquely shaped bird with a bounty of white meat.
And the Pilgrims would have used peanut oil. I'm not sure why we need peanut oil, but my mother was very specific about this detail. It was the kind of direction that one is tempted to ignore just to see how big the fire would be, but I chickened out.
So here is my gripe. The froaching peanut oil is more expensive than the harf-gamped turkey!!! I can get a 20lb bird for $12.00, but a giant thing of oil is $20.00!?! I guess those slaves don't work for peanuts anymore. Or, perhaps they do. Is there a peanut scarcity?
It is not the shelf after shelf of slave labor by foreign children that bothers me so much. Slaves do need to work or else what good are they? And I certainly cannot afford more than $4.00 for a 3-pack of T-shirts. What do you expect me to do, wear a stained undergarment?
The troubling thing about Wal-Mart is not Wal-Mart, it is the Wal-Martians. This is a species of obese, mentally challenged creatures that wanders the aisles aimlessly amassing stuff. You can tell by the glazed look in their eyes that they have surrendered completely, and the slave-master has been enslaved.
These zombies insist upon getting in my way at each and every turn of my journey, and they are the very definition of inefficiency. Why must you and your family stop at the entrance in a Red-Rover formation while you view the crap that is on special? Why must you place your cart directly in my way before you back across the aisle to view some non-existent fantasy-item on the top shelf? Why do you insist upon choosing the only item in the entire store without a bar code so that we all have to wait while Lawn&Garden figures out how much to charge for a rake?
The ostensible reason for my journey amongst the Wal-Martians was because of the holidays. We are deep frying a turkey for Thanksgiving because that is how the Pilgrims would have done it if they were alive today and if they had modified the turkey into a grotesquely shaped bird with a bounty of white meat.
And the Pilgrims would have used peanut oil. I'm not sure why we need peanut oil, but my mother was very specific about this detail. It was the kind of direction that one is tempted to ignore just to see how big the fire would be, but I chickened out.
So here is my gripe. The froaching peanut oil is more expensive than the harf-gamped turkey!!! I can get a 20lb bird for $12.00, but a giant thing of oil is $20.00!?! I guess those slaves don't work for peanuts anymore. Or, perhaps they do. Is there a peanut scarcity?
Friday, November 17, 2006
Strike Me
As an employer, I am always facing the looming threat of unionization. Lurking in the shadows of my operation, I'm sure, is some organizer hoping to convert my wards to the cause of scientific socialism.
So I sat down with Lindsey and Fred (the part-timer) this morning, and I gave them a good talking to.
"Lindsey," I said, (I don't address Fred because he only works part-time. I expect him to pick it up from Lindsey). "I try to treat you with respect and dignity, and I've never asked you to have an abortion, right?" I made sure to note that Fred nodded too.
"So why would you need a union?"
Fred and Lindsey looked at each other quizzically. Then Lindsey said, "You look tired today." She always says that when I have bloodshot eyes and am reeking of alcohol. It is very diplomatic of her, don't you think.
"Yes," I said. "Couldn't sleep last night," I continued. I assume that we both know that I couldn't sleep because I was at a bar, but some things are better left unspoken.
"Couldn't sleep because you were at a bar," Lindsey said.
Here is where I would have preferred to negotiate with her steward. "Don't you have some duties or something?" I queried.
Lindsey rolled her eyes and strolled away casually. I was left with Fred. "What are you looking at?" I demanded.
"When can I go to the bathroom?" Fred wondered aloud. No wonder all of the jobs are being shipped to India.
So I sat down with Lindsey and Fred (the part-timer) this morning, and I gave them a good talking to.
"Lindsey," I said, (I don't address Fred because he only works part-time. I expect him to pick it up from Lindsey). "I try to treat you with respect and dignity, and I've never asked you to have an abortion, right?" I made sure to note that Fred nodded too.
"So why would you need a union?"
Fred and Lindsey looked at each other quizzically. Then Lindsey said, "You look tired today." She always says that when I have bloodshot eyes and am reeking of alcohol. It is very diplomatic of her, don't you think.
"Yes," I said. "Couldn't sleep last night," I continued. I assume that we both know that I couldn't sleep because I was at a bar, but some things are better left unspoken.
"Couldn't sleep because you were at a bar," Lindsey said.
Here is where I would have preferred to negotiate with her steward. "Don't you have some duties or something?" I queried.
Lindsey rolled her eyes and strolled away casually. I was left with Fred. "What are you looking at?" I demanded.
"When can I go to the bathroom?" Fred wondered aloud. No wonder all of the jobs are being shipped to India.
FU Seeks Damages From Borat
We are p1ssed! The movie Borat has offended our sensibilities, and we shall not take this lying down.
"You haven't even seen this movie," you say.
True. But that does not preclude my ability to file suit.
"This movie doesn't even mention the First Unichurck," you say.
Exactly. This guy thinks he can make fools out of us by failing to acknowledge our existence while he makes hundreds of dollars. Well, he's got another guy cumming.
I have instructed OneNoteSolo (aka Bundes Kraut) to make a federal case out of it. As far as the amount of our damages, I'm going to draw a card from the deck, and, whatever the number is, that will be the number of "0's" after $4.
"You haven't even seen this movie," you say.
True. But that does not preclude my ability to file suit.
"This movie doesn't even mention the First Unichurck," you say.
Exactly. This guy thinks he can make fools out of us by failing to acknowledge our existence while he makes hundreds of dollars. Well, he's got another guy cumming.
I have instructed OneNoteSolo (aka Bundes Kraut) to make a federal case out of it. As far as the amount of our damages, I'm going to draw a card from the deck, and, whatever the number is, that will be the number of "0's" after $4.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Cuisine News - Young Meat
I am a predator. I seek out, capture and kill with regularity. I have no hesitation about taking another life.
For example, I often use a clever device to hook fish through the mouth, and then I draw them into my grasp, cut their heads off, and slice out their internal organs. Other times, I use a shotgun to blast harmless birds out of the sky. Again, I decapitate them and carve them apart. Occasionally, I even employ a high-powered rifle to assasinate another mammal. I have eaten chickens, rabbits and pigs which I previously raised as pets, and I have not the least amount of remorse about eating a hamburger (unless it is from a fast-food chain).
But I draw the line. A few months ago, I was eating snapping-turtle at a friend's house (tastes like chicken) when he described for me one of the shells from a turtle he recently had caught. The giant shell contained, embedded in the side, a stone arrow tip. You figure this thing had to be at least 100-120 years old. This incident was brought to mind yesterday when I was reading the Baton Rouge newspaper website. Birthday girl served 22-pound lobster. The linked story indicates that a gluttonous 28 year old woman consumed a lobster that was estimated to be 110 years old.
Again, I'm not against eating lobster (except at $40 a tail). I'm not even opposed to eating snapping turtle. But, I can't help but feeling that a creature who lived that long should just be left alone. I'm thinking about instituting a rule that I won't eat anyone who is over 40 years old.
For example, I often use a clever device to hook fish through the mouth, and then I draw them into my grasp, cut their heads off, and slice out their internal organs. Other times, I use a shotgun to blast harmless birds out of the sky. Again, I decapitate them and carve them apart. Occasionally, I even employ a high-powered rifle to assasinate another mammal. I have eaten chickens, rabbits and pigs which I previously raised as pets, and I have not the least amount of remorse about eating a hamburger (unless it is from a fast-food chain).
But I draw the line. A few months ago, I was eating snapping-turtle at a friend's house (tastes like chicken) when he described for me one of the shells from a turtle he recently had caught. The giant shell contained, embedded in the side, a stone arrow tip. You figure this thing had to be at least 100-120 years old. This incident was brought to mind yesterday when I was reading the Baton Rouge newspaper website. Birthday girl served 22-pound lobster. The linked story indicates that a gluttonous 28 year old woman consumed a lobster that was estimated to be 110 years old.
Again, I'm not against eating lobster (except at $40 a tail). I'm not even opposed to eating snapping turtle. But, I can't help but feeling that a creature who lived that long should just be left alone. I'm thinking about instituting a rule that I won't eat anyone who is over 40 years old.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Only 65 shopping days until Munitions Eve
With Munitions Day fast approaching, shoppers are scrambling to find just the right explosive for their friends and loved ones. There are now just 65 days, 16 hours until the crack of Midnight on Munitions Eve - when the gunpowder will have been laid by the fireplace with care, and the grenades will have been carefully strung by their pins on a dynamite fuse tied oh so carefully into a bow.
You can just hear the squeals from the children when they crawl from under their beds and go scampering into the basement to see what Rupture Carp has brought them. Look, an unexploded bunker-buster! A shrapnel tattoo for Timmy! And a sun-roof in the house for mom and dad! (Due to time zone differences, Munitions Day arrives earlier in Iraq).
Now, praise Rusty and pass the ammunition!
You can just hear the squeals from the children when they crawl from under their beds and go scampering into the basement to see what Rupture Carp has brought them. Look, an unexploded bunker-buster! A shrapnel tattoo for Timmy! And a sun-roof in the house for mom and dad! (Due to time zone differences, Munitions Day arrives earlier in Iraq).
Now, praise Rusty and pass the ammunition!
Monday, November 13, 2006
Thursdays with Cocoa -- Christmas is Back
Good news! Wal Mart has announced that this year they will label 60% more of their merchandise "Christmas" rather than "Holiday." At least the religious conservatives can claim one victory—putting Christ back into our biggest commercial holiday.
The Unichurk needs to create some holidays. Perhaps this is the way we can get our message out to the kids This coupled with Miss Litzi's suggestion for free (or at least discounted) beer and free (or at least discounted) dope might just be enough to counter whatever Santa/Jesus can provide.
Time to Turn It On
Well, you guys have managed to lose the title of Greatest Blog in America. I hope you're proud of yourselves.
Now, let's get back up on that horse and ride (and I'm not speaking about bestiality this time). The race is not always to the swift, but it sure as hell helps. When the groin gets tough, the tough get groin. Remember, even the greatest oak was once a nut. Stop signs are only the law when a policeman is watching. Success is failure when you change the definitions. The horn is a tool.
Now, let's get back up on that horse and ride (and I'm not speaking about bestiality this time). The race is not always to the swift, but it sure as hell helps. When the groin gets tough, the tough get groin. Remember, even the greatest oak was once a nut. Stop signs are only the law when a policeman is watching. Success is failure when you change the definitions. The horn is a tool.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Funky Monkey Crap Rap
I bought me a rhymin' dictionary
Now my rappin' is scrappin' & scary
Bustin' out rhymes
Rhymin' sometimes
Fill my cup up pup with sherry
Got my hoe in the minivan drivin'
And my peeps in the cheap seats thrivin'
Rollin' through my town
Holdin' brown down
Got to potty hope soon we're arrivin'
Great - too late
What a whack attack
In a blink it stink
Got black in my crack
Got to pull over quick be stoppin'
Wicked quick slick pants be droppin'
Must assess
Wipin' up the mess
With shirts, spurts and squirts I'm moppin'
I bought me a rhymin' dictionary
Now my rappin is scrappin & scary
Bustin' out rhymes
Rhymin' sometimes
Clean the mean green off of my hairy.
Kids These Days
What is wrong with these kids these days? I was out doing some FU recruiting last night, and when I was explaining how we worship a one-eared, lazy, and slightly incompetent sheep with an apocalyptic vision of tomorrow, these kids looked at me like I was crazy?!?
Likewise, many of our youth-targeted sales initiatives have been disappointments. Despite our focus on urine and feces (two things that every youth needs), we have been unsuccessful in tapping into the critical "disposable income/no discretion" demographic.
Coco made the first effort with the catchy tune "Her Wookie's A Leaker" which I cleverly adapted to "Her Nookie's a Leaker." (Speaking of leakers, what happened to Thursday, Coco?)
Next, we launched the attractive "Monkey Thoroughing Poo" series of apparel. This was much less successful than anticipated.
What do these kids want?
Likewise, many of our youth-targeted sales initiatives have been disappointments. Despite our focus on urine and feces (two things that every youth needs), we have been unsuccessful in tapping into the critical "disposable income/no discretion" demographic.
Coco made the first effort with the catchy tune "Her Wookie's A Leaker" which I cleverly adapted to "Her Nookie's a Leaker." (Speaking of leakers, what happened to Thursday, Coco?)
Next, we launched the attractive "Monkey Thoroughing Poo" series of apparel. This was much less successful than anticipated.
What do these kids want?
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Monday, November 06, 2006
Never fear, Litzi
With Resignations
Thank you so much for your justifiable admiration for me and my candidacy, but I must respectfully withdraw from the race to be Second District Sewerage District Commissioner. My family is my top priority, and family obligations have simply made it impossible for me to continue in this race.
The penguin incident was regrettable. I remain unconvinced that one can actually "rape" penguins in the strict legal sense, but I do admit that the romantic encounter I had with them was not entirely consentual. I have no idea as to how the date rape drug ended up in their water supply.
I do admit that I purchased a fairly large quantity of GHB a while back, but after thinking about what I was doing, I threw it all away. It was just one of those things where you read about this drug that all the kids are doing and so you find a drug dealer and purchase a bunch of drugs on a whim but then you decide to throw all the drugs away.
As for the old lady, she was asking for it. I've simply had it with these ad M&M attacks.
Until recently, I always thought that the Reverend Ted Haggard was a hypocritical, bigoted blowhard. However, I must admit to now having a certain degree of empathy and even admiration for him. Not every closeted homosexual meth user can rise to be head of a 14,000 member church. Unfortunately, voters in the Second Sewerage District are not quite as compassionate as I am, and for that I pity them.
Mrs. Ear sent me an email asking me to make it clear that her support, undying devotion and respect continue unabated. Ditto with the kids.
The penguin incident was regrettable. I remain unconvinced that one can actually "rape" penguins in the strict legal sense, but I do admit that the romantic encounter I had with them was not entirely consentual. I have no idea as to how the date rape drug ended up in their water supply.
I do admit that I purchased a fairly large quantity of GHB a while back, but after thinking about what I was doing, I threw it all away. It was just one of those things where you read about this drug that all the kids are doing and so you find a drug dealer and purchase a bunch of drugs on a whim but then you decide to throw all the drugs away.
As for the old lady, she was asking for it. I've simply had it with these ad M&M attacks.
Until recently, I always thought that the Reverend Ted Haggard was a hypocritical, bigoted blowhard. However, I must admit to now having a certain degree of empathy and even admiration for him. Not every closeted homosexual meth user can rise to be head of a 14,000 member church. Unfortunately, voters in the Second Sewerage District are not quite as compassionate as I am, and for that I pity them.
Mrs. Ear sent me an email asking me to make it clear that her support, undying devotion and respect continue unabated. Ditto with the kids.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Pucker up and pee
Miss Litzi, can you please offer an explanation for the panty-wadiosity of these Austrian "feminists" and help us to understand their need to poke their noses into the men's room to enlighten us all on how we should micturate in an acceptable fashion according to their universe?
Friday, November 03, 2006
Royal Flush
So, I says to God, I says, "Alright already, Rusty, I'll do it. Jesus Christ, give me a break!" He had been threatening to pipe in Celine Dion music during my stay in hell. I doubt that a good and loving deity could really be so cruel, but I'm not going to chance it.
So, I hereby launch my campaign to be your next Second District Sewerage District Commissioner.
What makes me qualified, you might ask.
1) My opponent believes in strangling kittens, punching old ladies, and raping penguins. I don't.
2) My opponent wants to "cut and run." I want to "patch and lie."
3) My opponent shat his pants during the first two years of his life. I can honestly say that I never shat his pants.
So, when you ask yourself, "Which candidate is best for my feces and urine?" I ask you to think of me.
OneEar - For a Better Sh1tter.
So, I hereby launch my campaign to be your next Second District Sewerage District Commissioner.
What makes me qualified, you might ask.
1) My opponent believes in strangling kittens, punching old ladies, and raping penguins. I don't.
2) My opponent wants to "cut and run." I want to "patch and lie."
3) My opponent shat his pants during the first two years of his life. I can honestly say that I never shat his pants.
So, when you ask yourself, "Which candidate is best for my feces and urine?" I ask you to think of me.
OneEar - For a Better Sh1tter.
Wouldn't Be Prudent
Our God, Rusty, has called on me to run for public office. I told him I need some time to think about it, but I really have already made up my mind that I'm not going to do it.
Sure, it would be great to fill appointments with advocates of my own brand of religious zealotry. But I'm just not prepared to open myself to public criticism again.
Plus, who wants to be Sewerage District Commissioner for the second district. I don't even live in the second district, and we have a septic system at my house. It just strikes stinks of hypocrisy.
So, back to my problem. How can I let God down gently without damning myself to eternal hellfire?
Sure, it would be great to fill appointments with advocates of my own brand of religious zealotry. But I'm just not prepared to open myself to public criticism again.
Plus, who wants to be Sewerage District Commissioner for the second district. I don't even live in the second district, and we have a septic system at my house. It just strikes stinks of hypocrisy.
So, back to my problem. How can I let God down gently without damning myself to eternal hellfire?
Jeff's Pi Memorization Tips
Here are Jeff's Pi Memorization Tips:
3 . 14159265358979323 - I still remember this much from age 16.8 - I just ate.46264 - COOL mirror image number.33 - Rhyms with tree-tree? (This speeellin of 'rhym' doesn't look right be the spelling checker okayed it.)832 - This is a popular dialing prefix in my area.795 - My dad used to have a post office box with this number.0288 - I like numbers that start with zero.4 - How many digits are in the following year?1971 - I didn't like the 70's. (In general that is.)69 - Two years earlier. (First year of CV joints on Volkswagen Beetles.)3993 - A cool mirror image number.7510 - Last number in this section5820 - the first two digit are the 7 & 5 of the last section reversed + 1.974 - A Futuristic Porsche style?944 - A Present day Porsche style!!5923 - Kind of related to the number before the Porsches.0781 - First number I like in this section.640 - Popular computer graphic screen width.628 - What is the 40 above in hex? (28!)620 - What is the 40 above divided by 2? (20!)8998 - Cool mirror image number.628 - This is the middle 600 number above repeated.0348 - Other number I like in this section.2 - How many digits follow?53 - How many weeks in a year + 1 ?421 - Three digit descending (divide by 2) number.1 - "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do!" (Three Dog Night)706 - Almost a Boeing 707 airplane !!79 - Popular computer terminal column width - 1.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
BrownEye, Girl
Whatever happened?
Thursdays and Cocoa.
Going down with The Underminers
On a damn twisted ladies hole
Thursdays and Cocoa.
Going down with The Underminers
On a damn twisted ladies hole
Thursdays with Coco -- Magic Flags
Recently, I spent a few days at a resort, and interspersed among the beach chairs at this resort were several small flags. I discovered that if I raised one of these flags (using a rather simple pulley mechanism), a pretty girl would appear bearing a small tray and a pad of paper, and she would proceed to ask if there was anything I needed.
Just before my departure, I stopped in at the hotel gift shop to discover if they had any of these flags for sale – they replied, no.
Would anybody know where I might be able to obtain one of these magic flags?
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