Fallen, Barbecued Hero

What do you have to do to get some attention these days? Malachi Ritscher was not just any man. In fact, no man is any man. No, Malachi Ritscher was passionate, strong-willed, and flammable. And, on November 3, 2006, Malachi set himself on fire in the name of something.

And yet, despite the fact that his self-combustion was videotaped, and despite his carefully planned and executed diary/suicide note, and despite pouring gasoline on himself and then lighting his own wick near a busy intersection in downtown Chicago, nobody seemed to notice for 5 days. I guess people just don't appreciate a genius when they see his charred carcass smoldering by the off-ramp.

As an aside, I note that Mr. Ritscher "paid $25 to become an ordained minister with the Missionaries of the New Truth..." Perhaps that would be a good fund-raising system. I also note that he "claimed to be able to recite the infinite number Pi to more than 1,000 decimal places." If only he had found the True Churck before he found the matches.

But, back to the point. What kind of stunt could FU followers possibly pull to get some decent publicity?

Eureka!

Coco could acquire a list of the patients on whom LBok will be performing surgery in a given month. Then, Alceste could sneak into their homes to acquire some small personal momentos. (Coco would create the diversion). The momentos could be irradiated with special lettering and then inserted into the patients by LBok during surgery. BundesKraut could file suit against all of the people on some pretense or another and depose them all on the same day. At their deposition, the lights would be dimmed and a giant x-ray machine would be activated to reveal, in glowing letters on keepsake objects within their own bodies, the message, "Baaaaaaa if you love Rusty." Bring up the stage lights and the FU Dancers are positioned on their poles. ML fires up the vibrator chips and everybody erupts into a pineapplesque orgasm.

We'll put the whole thing on YouTube.