Thank you so much for your justifiable admiration for me and my candidacy, but I must respectfully withdraw from the race to be Second District Sewerage District Commissioner. My family is my top priority, and family obligations have simply made it impossible for me to continue in this race.
The penguin incident was regrettable. I remain unconvinced that one can actually "rape" penguins in the strict legal sense, but I do admit that the romantic encounter I had with them was not entirely consentual. I have no idea as to how the date rape drug ended up in their water supply.
I do admit that I purchased a fairly large quantity of GHB a while back, but after thinking about what I was doing, I threw it all away. It was just one of those things where you read about this drug that all the kids are doing and so you find a drug dealer and purchase a bunch of drugs on a whim but then you decide to throw all the drugs away.
As for the old lady, she was asking for it. I've simply had it with these ad M&M attacks.
Until recently, I always thought that the Reverend Ted Haggard was a hypocritical, bigoted blowhard. However, I must admit to now having a certain degree of empathy and even admiration for him. Not every closeted homosexual meth user can rise to be head of a 14,000 member church. Unfortunately, voters in the Second Sewerage District are not quite as compassionate as I am, and for that I pity them.
Mrs. Ear sent me an email asking me to make it clear that her support, undying devotion and respect continue unabated. Ditto with the kids.
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2 comments:
Hi OneEar,
Although I’m disheartened to read that you’ve withdrawn your candidacy from the race to be the Second District Sewerage District Commissioner, I think your decision to spend more time with your family was a wise one.
Has the penguin recovered yet? I’ve heard counseling can do wonders to help victims overcome traumatic events in their past. Has the date rape drug has been thoroughly removed from the water system? The Reverend Ted Haggard rose to the head of a 14,000 member church simply because he knew enough to blow the right people-GW the principle one.
What do you want me to do with the vats of Pile Drivers that I made up for your campaign tomorrow? Would you and Mrs. OneEar like them delivered to your house, to have around for Thanksgiving libations? Please keep the little ones out of it; it might be toxic to their small systems.
You ran a great campaign while it lasted and I’m sure you’ll be remembered in your District for a long time.
Thank you again, ML. Your ability to appreciate my goodness is truly extraordinary.
Regarding the vats of alcohol laced prune juice, do you have any sort of food shelter nearby? The only thing funnier than a gaggle of drunk homeless people would be a gaggle of drunk, incontinent homeless people. Oh, why must Thanksgiving come but once a year?
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