So, I says to God, I says, "Alright already, Rusty, I'll do it. Jesus Christ, give me a break!" He had been threatening to pipe in Celine Dion music during my stay in hell. I doubt that a good and loving deity could really be so cruel, but I'm not going to chance it.
So, I hereby launch my campaign to be your next Second District Sewerage District Commissioner.
What makes me qualified, you might ask.
1) My opponent believes in strangling kittens, punching old ladies, and raping penguins. I don't.
2) My opponent wants to "cut and run." I want to "patch and lie."
3) My opponent shat his pants during the first two years of his life. I can honestly say that I never shat his pants.
So, when you ask yourself, "Which candidate is best for my feces and urine?" I ask you to think of me.
OneEar - For a Better Sh1tter.
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
8 comments:
You might might want to borrow the motto of Steve's Septic in Webster, WI: "We take crap from anyone".
Hi OneEar,
Wow! You certainly possess all of the necessary qualifications to become the Second District Sewerage District Commissioner. I wish you the best of luck on a successful campaign. If I lived in your District, I’d be sure to cast my vote for you, knowing that you’re concerned about my feces and urine. If by some fluke you aren’t elected, have you considered moving to California and running for office? We’ve elected two movie stars for Governor; you’d be a shoe-in!
Sven, I like it. I considered, "OneEar - When you take a sh1t, I take a sh1t," but I thought that might offend constipated voters.
ML, I'll only consider it the other way around. If y'all elect me governor, then I'll move there. Otherwise, no deal. And, I need a bowl full of M&Ms in my dressing room with all of red ones removed and placed in a separate beaker (750ml).
Hi OneEar,
You’d willingly move to the “land of fruit ‘n nuts”? You’d better get your campaign in high gear; the Governor’s race is up for grabs this coming Tuesday and you’d be running against Arnie. The M&M’s wouldn’t be a problem; California treats its elected officials like royalty. You might just fit in out here, come to think about it….
OneEar, I like your plans. I think you have the color on the M&M's dead wrong--#5 wrong, that is.
Hi Loud But Off Key,
What’s the BFD about the red M&M’s? Is this a throwback to worrying about #5 red food coloring/dye? Don’t you think you might possibly be unnecessarily upsetting OneEar about some frivolous antiquated concern that the FDA had their jock straps in a bunch about years ago? The best way to eat S&M’s… oops!....I mean M&M’s, is to close your eyes, pop them in our mouth and savor the rich sensual flavor that only chocolate can provide.
I had no intention of "eating" the M&Ms.
How about - "OneEar - the best choice for your fecal matter."
or
OneEar - the candidate who will NOT back you up.
Hi OneEar,
LOL! My personal choice is “the candidate who will NOT back you up”. How about offering (bribing?) the voters outside the polling stations “pile drivers”; a delightful cocktail of prune juice and vodka. “If I’m elected, I’ll keep you moving”.
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