Christianity adds 46 million per year, Islam adds 29 million per year, and here we are with a lousy 6 or so members. Even Jesus had 13 disciples. Come on people.
Ms. Litzi's proposal to screen XXX movies got me to thinking. (I assume she was being fascetious as it is obviously inappropriate to show XXX movies at a religious institution).
Announcing the FU Dancers and the pole of redemption.
I found a source where we can order the pole. Selling home poles for "the hottest health & fitness craze to sweep the nation in years," Lil'Mynx seems like just the kind of resource we need to bring this fantasy home.I also located a blog By Strippers For Strippers which has a veritable plethora of gamps. Many of them sound like just the kind of people we need to ride our poles. We will have them perform to Solomon's Song. It will be a BYOB kind of deal with $12.00 Pepsis. You know the drill.
14 comments:
Hi OneEar,
I’ve no idea why The First Unification Church of Knowledge, a.k.a. First Unichurck, isn’t recruiting more members than Christianity or Islam. Surely you’ve got more than 6 members? I was being facetious about showing XXX-rated movies in the Churck vestry, but I don’t see a lot of difference between skin flicks and the FU Dancers riding the Pole of Redemption. Offering vicarious thrills to a bunch of sex starved men (and possibly women) won’t attract the kind of parishioners you’re seeking. Most churches have some sort of gimmick; you’re going to have to brainstorm until you can come up with a wholesome, family-friendly one to draw worshippers into the Churck.
That blog you found “By Strippers for Strippers” is a lulu. I guess those women have never heard of self-esteem or brains? But, if there wasn’t an audience for them, they’d be out of work; a case of “water sinks to its own level”.
Hi OneEar,
Eureka! I’ve got a great gimmick for The Churck to attract new members; vibrating pews. You could control the level of titillation from the pulpit; when it comes time to pass the plate around, crank it up to full speed and watch the money come flying in.
Does the church have more than six members? I propose a roll call.
Here!
Cocoa no gogo,
I don't hear anyone shouting "here" other than you. Where's Loud But Off Key? He's a member, isn't he?
Coco, you are out of order.
There was no second to your motion for roll call.
By the way, ML, I do like the giant vibrator concept.
I've got some people working on the technical details, but it may turn out to be easier to hold services only during earthquakes.
Oneear: Sorry to disappoint, but you're about 16 years behind the trend. Conservative Protestant public school students have been “praising” the Lord’s goodness around a pole for quite some time. I don’t think they solicit dollar bills though.
Hi OneEar,
If the technicians aren’t able to develop vibrating pews, perhaps you should consider moving The First Unification Church of Knowledge to California. There are quite a few towns that are directly over the San Andreas Fault and are constantly experiencing tremors. A good earthquake every now and then might put the fear of “his Rustiness” into the parishioners and money in the coffers.
If The First Unichuck finally starts making money, do I get a small percentage of the take? I’ve been brainstorming for methods that’ll line the Churck’s pockets for days. I’d settle for a Rolex….
Why don't we just hand out individual vibrators with the psalm books to the parishners at every service? They can then take them home afterwards, and use them while they consider the impact of the Churck in their respective lives. It seems a little more sanitary.
Hi Loud But Off Key,
You’ve got a marvelous idea there! However, I would refrain from “just handing them out”; once the parishioners get into the vibrators and start to enjoy the overall sensation, they’d no doubt pay quite a lot of have one of their very own. His Rustiness can preach about the holiness of orgasmic delights while seeing fireworks before their very eyes! Uh, uh, uh…..Halleluiah!
Has OneEar offered to give you a cut of the profits, if and when he starts to make any?
Hi OneEar,
You need to install a special chip in every vibrator that’ll need recharging once a week; that’ll keep the parishioners coming back to “religion” on a regular basis. The major snafu with this innovation is who’ll be responsible for the maintenance….
Sven - thank you for bringing to my attention the "See You At The Pole" movement. I really wasn't thinking about high school aged dancers, but I guess I need to get with the times.
LBok - Your idea makes no sense. If they take the vibrators home, why would they ever come back to religion.
ML - regarding profits, we shall all share in the salvation. The rest just covers overhead.
Whoops! I think I messed up time.
ML - Regarding these "special vibrator chips" of yours, I am concerned that somebody would invent a black box to bypass it like they did with cable TV. However, if it is feasible, I'd rather just implant the special chips in the parishioners so that we could direct them when to return and how much to give.
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