Top 10 Reasons We Don't Use Self-Deprecating Humor

#10 - Deprecates self.
#9 - Not very good at it.
#8 - Not part of Rusty's grand scheme.
#7 - Two words - orangutan scrotum.
#6 - Reminds us of Joshua Bolten.
#5 - Drives idiot traffic to site.
#4 - Drives smart people who will buy Rustywhear to site.
#3 - Not appropriate for post 9-11 world.
#2 - Not smart enough to think of 10 items.

And the number one reason we don't use self-deprecating humor:

Top 10 Reasons We Don't Post Top 10 Lists

#10 - Seems like a rip-off of Letterman.
#9 - Two words - Bacon trapeze.
#8 - Can't figure out why everyone insists on the number 10.
#7 - Seems like an excuse for timely, topical humor.
#6 - Gives Bush input on candidates to replace Andy Card.
#5 - Drives smart people who will buy Rustywhear to site.
#3 - Highlights inability to count.
#2 - Have difficulty counting backwards.

And the number one reason we don't post top 10 lists on this site:

Zombie Update

As reported in the NY Times (a newspaper):

Roaming the streets in business suits, blood dripping from their chins. Ducking through the city's parks, dodging bullets fired by the invading army of Somali schoolgirls. Rampaging through an experimental women's prison. Clawing their way out of graves, on a murderous march to reunite with the Deathbringer. And so forth.

We're talking of course about zombies. If you haven't been paying attention — and if you haven't been paying attention, heaven help you — zombies are back.

Fortunately for parishioners of the First Unichurck, you were provided with information quite some time ago about how to protect your family from zombies.

We would just like to take this opportunity to congratulate ourselves once again on the First Unichurck's leadership on this issue, on our predictive intuition and on how in tune we are with the undead. What we failed to appreciate was the link between the zombie uprising, the impending rupture, and the bird flu. The New York Times connected the dots:

"People have apocalypse on the brain right now," Mr. Brooks said. "It's from terrorism, the war, natural disasters like Katrina." Several zombie aficionados said there was a zombielike quality to the spread of the bird flu.

My mind is clearer now. At last, all too well, I can see where we all soon shall be.

Which raises the next logical question, should a zombie scene be written into the script for The Sick Scents? "Strike while the paranoia is hot," I always say*.


*Actually, I've never said that before even once, but it sounds like the kind of thing that I would always say.

Dr. Lbok Asked to Opine on Need for Bird Flu Panic

I need a little help here. A controversy has erupted over the need for panic about the bird flu. See Sven's discussion of the issue. Some say we should panic now while others say we should have panicked long ago. One would always like to know exactly when to panic, and fortunately, experts have weighed in on the matter including someone named Dr. Know.

At first I thought Dr. Know was a psuedonymn for our very own Loud but off key. However, after I read a few of her posts, I realized that she is not him. It started me to thinking, though - why not ask our very own Dr. Lbok about this bird flu issue.

From the little reading I have done on the subject, it appears that one should not have unprotected intercourse with a chicken (unless you personally know the bird to be virginal). Apparently, you also should not keep chicken in your house. I'm not clear on how you're supposed to cook it, but I guess grilling out is always an option. I believe that it is still safe to hypnotize chickens.

However, I still don't know whether my terror about this avian bird chicken flu is overdue. Dr. Lbok, I need an opinion, stat.

Clarice Jailed

Clarice the Doe, on-and-off girlfriend and one-time fiance' of Ru-D-Rude (formerly Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer), was indicted yesterday on prostitution and racketeering charges.

Tipped off by alert blogger Sven in a blog comment, Federal Investigators swarmed an abandoned Rustywhearhouse which formerly housed Spanko inventory for Rusty Enterprises. Police say Clarice's alleged prostitution and oxycontin distribution activities were headquartered at the facility.

Known for her trademark long eyelashes and the wag of her tail, Clarice long ago lost the charm that made her so appealing to a generation of TV viewers. She lived the classic rags to riches back to rags story that is unfortunately so common among the Hollywood set. As a young fawn, Clarice attained stardom in the classic TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But fame and fortune did not suit the young hoofed ruminant. The misfit toys she met during filming soon lured her into the darker shadows, she began experimenting with exotic grasses and soon fell in with a rough crowd of elk.

It was only a matter of time before Clarice began offering her own cute little tail in order to support her habits. Her hide was for sale, and there was no shortage of demand for that shammy. As time passed, she rose to the head of an international crime syndicate. Recent criminal activity attributed to her organization includes orchestrating the creation of false Swedish masturbation TV stories and financing porn star wine label projects. But selling her own crusty wares remained her personal bread and butter.

Clarice's customers now fear what she may tell investigators in a plea bargain deal. One interviewee, who asked to remain anonymous but whose name is Michael Leslie Clouse, said, "That damned doe is a liar. That hundert I gave her weren't stolen, and I don't even know her nohow!"

We will follow this story as it develops further through further developments.

Rusty Recalls 100,000 Spankos

Rusty Enterprises, in cooperation with the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, and without admitting any liability, announced yesterday the complete and immediate recall of the popular Spanko attachment to the best-selling Prankocranko obscene autocaller.

The product was originally designed and approved for sale as a self-pleasure implement for the Prankocranko machine itself. However, company officials and the USCPSC learned that the Spanko has been used by increasing numbers of consumers as an infant mobile. Apparently the Spanko's gyrating action and gently whirring sound were remarkably soothing to children.

Unfortunately, whenever a product is used for an unintended purpose, unanticipated injuries can occur. The Spanko self-pleasuring device should not be placed in a crib with a baby under any circumstances!! Consumers should return their units to the nearest Rustyland outlet at their earliest convenience for a pro-rated credit for other Rustuff.

Coco Receives Prestigious Award

As eloquently reported in the Tampa Tribune;

"Coco might have looked a little sheepish, if not for the jaunty black top hat and purple tuxedo. With her black face cloaked in green fabric and front hooves sporting white gloves, the year-old Hampshire ewe managed a competent impersonation of Jiminy Cricket - even if her costume designer was less than pleased with the effect.
"She looks more like an alien band leader," said (the idiotic) Nancy Squitieri, whose 10-year-old son, David, came decked out as Pinocchio. The judges, however, were impressed with her handiwork. ...(Coco) took home a second-place ribbon for best overall theme Tuesday at the Florida Strawberry Festival's annual lamb costume contest."

Needless to say, we at Rusty Enterprises and the First Unichurck are very, very proud of our little lamb. The Florida Strawberry Festival hosts one of the most grueling and competitive lamb costume contests in the greater Tampa Bay area. Some would even say it is the premier lamb costume contest in Northern Florida (excluding the panhandle).

Coco's tight fitting royal violet tuxedo, accented by her elegant long white gloves and stylish tophat indeed presented a magnificent spectacle. But more than what she wore, it was how she wore it that won over judges. Like a seductive Lolita, Coco demurely peeked from behind her emerald veil, batted those long, Clarice the Doe-like eyelashes, and then, ever so subtley shook her tail. The crowd went wild. All that one can say is, "Encore?"

Rusty Launches "Got Gelatin????" Ad Campaign

As noted above in the headline, Rusty has launched the "Got Gelatin????" Advertising campaign. This is because, according to Rusty, "eating gelatin is OK!"



















Contrary to popular belief, gelatinous substances, made through the partial hydrolysis of collagen extracted from animal ligaments, cartilage, bones and skin, are not merely good eating. Gelatin is also used by synchronized swimmers to hold their hair in place and as a binder when making matches.

Through the "Got Gelatin????" campaign, Rusty Enterprises hopes consumers will think about some of these wonderful alternative uses the next time they are making theirgelatin purchases.

ORDER MORE Rustywhear

FU Weekly

Rusty says, Eating Gelatin is OK!

Kay said,
"gelatin is not kosher in case you were concerned"

Dear Kay,

These arbitrary dietary rules and restrictions are just another reason to leave you Old World Religion behind and join up with Rusty's First UnichurK. Rusty not only permits the consumption of gelatin, but he encourages it. In fact, Rusty Enterprises in one of the world's leading suppliers of gelatin and gelatin-like products.

What makes Rusty's gelatin so special? Well, as you may or may not be aware, gelatin is made from "cowlagen"…and Rusty Enterprise uses only the purest source of cowlagen –COWS! To find out more about how we process our cows in our state-of-the-art rendering facility located in beautiful Charlestown, MA, and to discover why Rusty Enterprises has earned the title "the Gentle Renderer," click here.

Many companies may say that their most valuable asset is their employees but at Rusty Enterprises we know it's true…especially since our entire staff consists of Abu Gogo workers who are prized for their small features and keen sense of smell, and who are also easily tricked into contracts of long servitude. The Abu Gogo oversee the processes that transforms various cow elements into assorted Rusty gelatin and gelatin-like products and you can learn more about that here.

So, Kay, when it comes to gelatin we encourage you to gather as much information as possible and then come out to one of Rusty's First UnichurK ceremonies where you can sample a Gummy Lamb. We promise you won't burn in Hell and the first one is free.

"Let he whose sins have been absolved throw stones at everyone else."

Dear Followers;

For the last several periods of time, along with our music and ministry endeavors, Rusty has called upon us to pioneer a religious business endeavor to support and fund our ministry efforts. By Rusty's grace, this has grown into a fairly substantial enterprise, Rusty Enterprises Corporation Limited Inc., a very very limited liability company (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchange).

Our business plan is Jeremiah 33:1-11 - reveal things we do not know, restore the wealth of the land to us, and cause the nations of the earth to tremble. Unfortunately, conventional lending institutions do not accept this business plan. I hope they enjoy the eternal hellfires of damnation.

Despite the hurdles placed before us by non-believers, banks, and other materialists, RUE has grown supernaturally. As Rusty's prophets have been prophesying in many prophesies, Nothing's gonna turn us back now, straight ahead and on the track now. We're gonna make our dreams come true, doin' it our way!"

RUE is, indeed, doin' it our way, and our way is Rusty's way. RUE's success is part of Rusty's grand plan for the universe, and we therefore ask that you pray for our success - pray in the form of giving us your money.

As Rusty revealed to his disciples in the Clown Squad's award winning musical, Salmon Boy, "Don't sell sex, sell religion!" Rusty revealed the corollary is this commandment, "Thou shalt buy religion and all of its accoutrements including the Rusty thong, the Baaaa if you love Rusty bib and other Rustywhear."

Granted, Rusty is less concise and more crass than some other deities, but that does not denigrate the truth of his wisdom whatsoever.

Rusty shall guide us out of the wilderness of original sin to the all-inclusive resort of righteousness. We solemnly bow our heads together and pray - pray that Rusty will grant you the wisdom and the courage to recognize how important it is for you to buy each and every RUE product for each and every person that you know. RUE shall succeed because it must succeed. I would not recommend trying to argue against that logic or you will find yourself in the scalded company of a certain group of bankers.

Fine Rustywhear Merchandise

New York City wrote:
My very chic Rusty sweatshirt arrived today, fine American Apparel quality and quite snug fitting. When they say small they mean small... (My spouse) is insanely jealous that he does not have a Rusty outfit of his own yet. Maybe if he is lucky for his birthday. I hope the proceeds are going to help famine relief in Darfur or some other worthy cause and not going into some giant Rusty hedge fund.

New York, thank you for counting yourself among our satisfied customers. We do employ the starving people in Darfur for garment sizing purposes. Fear not about the hedge fund. We are leveraging the proceeds by investing on Dances With Wool to show in the third race at Belmont.

It is never too early to ORDER MORE Rustywhear

RUE Enters Government Contracting

Q: What is the timeframe, Mr. Dumsfeld?
A: Civil war, what civil war? Who said anything about a civil war? War is not "civil," and there is no war - there is an unending struggle of the righteous against the wrongteous. Now, pay attention: when Mickey's yellow hand is on the 6, I will need for you to give me another $91B US.


Carefully analyze the above exchange. What is the lesson? Ronald Dumsfeld is concealing something? His watch is broken? No. The lesson is that we need to figure out how to get some of that honey.

According to Pentagon audits, Halliburton and its subsidiaries’ Iraq reconstruction work has, thus far, shown $1.5 billion in "questioned" or “unsupported” charges.

Rusty Enterprises, a faith-based initiative, proposes to contract with the US Government for only $1.47 Billion in unsupported questionable charges, thus saving the US taxpayers $10 million.

We hope to enlist the assistance of Joe Allbaugh, former head of FEMA (President Bush’s campaign manager in 2000) who now lobbies for Iraq (and Katrina) reconstruction contracts. Our expectation is that he will see to it that Rusty Enterprises is the successful low bidder for this project. We have allocated $15 million of the missing $20 million to his exploratory committee.

We will need to put in some long hours to dream up $1.47 Billion in unsupported questionable charges, but I am confident that the team at Rusty Enterprises is up to the task.

Blogger Tires of Working - Resumes Dicking Around

In a surprise move today, renowned blogger OneEar, Chief Chief Chief of Rusty Enterprises Corporation, Ltd. and High Priestest of the First Unification ChurcK, became bored and resumed blogging activities.

OneEar has discovered The Earfarm/ which is a music-related site dedicated to the restoration of ears. Rusty will be very interested in learning about this. Very interested. the fluffies and the Clown Squad will be contacted to see if they have any new material to submit to this site.

This empire is growing like a giant fungus.

How about the name Marsh Room and the Fun Guys?

Blogger to Attempt to Get Some Work Done

New York Falls For Rustywhear

"Rustidation" is defined as the addition of Rustywhear to a wardrobe resulting in a corresponding increase in hep. It is a phenomena that is taking the nation by storm, and the eye of the fashion hurricane appears to be New York City. One consumer writes:

"I am amazed by the wide range of Rusty merchandise available, your church and blog must be generating a steady stream of revenue so you can extend your empire. I think it will be perfect for Christmas/Channukah/Kwaanza gifts in 2006. A sheep bathed in drool is hard to resist. Especially love the magnets..." - Donnygirl

As I advised Donnygirl, the Rusty Empire is not nearly as extensive as she supposes. Empire-building is no easy task. However, Rustians do surpass the ancient Romans in the number of refrigerator magnets offered for sale. Now, if only we knew someone in LA. Think......think....

Elephant Leg More Exciting Than Camel Toe

You think the camel toe is interesting??? Wait until you see the elephant leg!!! Picture this beauty in a red garter, glittery nail polish and open-toed high heeled spikes. You want to talk sexy?

This and more can be seen in person at the National Museum of Health and Medicine in DC.

Blogger Surprised by Camel-Toe Popularity

Although I am a renowned prognosticationist, I must confess that I had no idea that the subject of camel toes would so predominate the discussion on this most holy of blogs. It just goes to prove the old adage, "Confessional crotch-talk, stood on its head, is professional crotch-talk." Truer trueness was never undenied.

However, I feel that it is time to put our crotches away (and put on some underwhear, for God's sake ORDER your Rusty boxer shorts and thongs HERE).

We need to focus -
TO DO
1) find camera - check.
2) prepare for the Rupture - check
3) Sell some books - check
4) write award winning movie script - check
5) open Game Farm - check
6) save the world - check

Wait a minute - I think we're done.

Camera Found!!

Bishop Busty Foxxx has pulled off another miracle. Where the Louisiana State Senate and the State of Rhode Island both failed, Bishop Foxxx succeeded - He found Cocoa's camera!!

You will recall that Cocoa lost his camera in New Orleans. We enlisted the assistance of the Louisiana State Senate and Providence, Rhode Island, but neither was of any assistance. Charlie thought he had found it once before, but he hadn't. We all moved on about our lives in quiet resignation and the subject turned to camel toes, as it often does. Suddenly, "Eureka!" The Camera appeared to Bishop Foxxx.

Bishop Foxxx posted the first two frames at Camel Toe Sighting and equal-opportunity-camel-toe.

Now we can get back to work.

Rusty Enterprises to Team Up with Opticians for RustyVision

Traditional direct marketing campaigns can be annoying.

They range from annoying door-to-door salesmen to annoying friend-to-neighbor saleswomen to annoying mass mailings to annoying phone solicitations to annoying spam emails. The common denominator in all of these techniques. They are annoying.

In a effort to boost lagging sales of The Pretty Good Book and Rustywhear, Rusty Enterprises has entered into an alliance with the American Society of Struggling Opticians. ASSO opticians have agreed to place Rusty Enterprises slogans on the inside of people's glasses and contact lenses where they will be seen during every waking hour.

ASSO officials assure the public that the advertising is safe and effective, and that having specs of images and text constantly in your field of vision will be less annoying than the above-mentioned sales techniques.

Rusty Enterprises (RUE on the Newark Stock Exchange) shares rose sharply on the news.

Rusty Worms Into Big Apple

Contacted to comment on a particular debate involving camel-toe-eating, a friend of The True Church who happens to reside in Manhattan, NY appears ready and willing to introduce Rustywhear, America's latest and, to date, greatest fashion craze, to Madison Avenue. She wrote:

"I am so excited to discover Rusty merchandise for sale, what a marketing opportunity for you to make your fortune on Cafe Press. I feel strongly that I must make a purchase to support all of your efforts in the community"...Kay

Now, if only we knew someone in Los Angeles, we could begin the classic marketing Pincer movement (the Sun Tzu "path of escape" will be Detroit).

ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

Don't forget the Pretty Good Book.

Crisis Uncricified!

Parishioners have been deeply concerned about the condition of dear Bishop Busty Foxxx. The pressing concern, "would he have to move to Detroit?" A few backdroppings might be in order: Bishop Foxxx was assigned to reign over the desert, the Sonoma Desert. Unfortunately, Bishop Foxxx lives in the Sonora Desert. He quickly became justifiably concerned with the jurisdictional entanglements arising from such a typographical error.

Bishop Foxxx was under the misconception that the Sonoma Desert is North and East of San Francisco. Fortunately, he is wrong. We have learned that the Sonoma Desert is a golf course in Las Cruces, NM. Apparently, it is somehow akin to the Bermuda Triangle, according to some other guy. Sonoma Desert akinship to Bermuda Triangle.

Therefore, parishioners need not be concerned about moving to Detroit. Vanishing planes and alien landings remain a cause for anxiety.