FU Candidates on Your Ballots

Theocracy is all the rage these days. Some democracies create a separation between religion and government. Fortunately, in the United States, this partition has been demolished. The current evangelical craze has greased the chute, and a minority of religious fanatics is now in a position to thrust itself into the anus of power. The First Unichurck has set its brown eyes firmly on that target.

This nation was founded on religious principles: burn the witches, kill the dark skinned, own the women, beat the children. These principles were very hard on our forefathers, but, thankfully, they were willing to bear the burden. Somehow, (and I think it had to do with those damn hippies in the 1960s), our country lost its guiding light. The First Unichurck is here to torch things back to piety.

To recap, the end is coming and our society needs leaders with illogical sadistic beliefs.

I think we can help with that. The First Unichurck has developed a two-legged stool upon which to seat the doomsday government:

1. Re-education initiative. Using techniques gleaned from A Clockwork Orange, we shall re-educate television viewers with "beliefs" designed to return this great nation to the religious zealotry that we all miss so much. Computre programmers will then secretly incorporate their value system into the computer code. Which brings us to:
2. "Voting" Machines. We believe that people will accept voting machines with absolutely no record or means of corroboration. We know it sounds ridiculous, but our research shows that people can be easily convinced simply by saying, "What are you, some kind of a conspiracy theorist?"

We call this program, "Giving voters the number one and the number two," and it is signalled by showing the middle finger of first one hand and then the other in a sign of solidarity.

So remember, when you attend candidate rallies this fall, keep an eye out for the secret signal and then give em the old FU salute!