Getting Back to Marxism

On behalf of the First Unichurck's newfound dedication to screwing the rapture and embracing the dialectical imperative, I have been doing extensive research. You are welcome.

Below is a magnificent treatise I discovered which is directly on point. I have quoted it verbatim from the archive where I discovered it.

Theses On Groucho Marxism
by Bob Black

Groucho Marxism, the theory of comedic revolution, is much more than a blueprint for crass struggle ... In other words, comedy is riotous or it is nothing! So much to do, so many to do it to! On your Marx, get set--go!

Let's get back to Marxism for a moment

(with all due respect to that clickety-clackety trooper, Mila)


WASHINGTON, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

Sen. Boxer pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory
interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or
"Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" "As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each
and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some
sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Lie Down, Little Mila

Coco's dog Mila was a good dog. She will be missed and, to the extent that his young son impersonates the spunky little girl, I am glad that her spirit lives on.

I am lucky enough to have gotten to know Mila over the past 15 years. I remember a time when, for some reason that was never clear to me, my assigned sleeping location was the kitchen floor at Coco's house. Everyone else had a bed or a couch or a deflated blow-up of some sort for comfort. I was given an old musty rug, one corner of which was wadded up to form my pillow, the remainder my blanket.

When I awoke the next morning, who was lying on the floor, sharing my rug cuddled next to me? Three gorgeous naked women? No. A deflated blow-up? No. It was Mila. We both stretched lazily, shared a knowing glance, and then ambled across the kitchen floor for a bowl full of kibble. Yes, Mila was a sharing dog.

Like her master, Mila was a sporting dog. Ball in the mouth, tail end wagging vigorously, romping wildly through the grass - and Mila was the same way. Oh, she was a runner.

And in her final days, Mila was a pacing dog. I sensed her nervousness during our last visit, and I'm quite sure she could understand the conversation as we discussed her health condition and "the options." "Click, click, click" as she paced from room to room unable to find comfort. That was very sad.

Now, Mila has found peace, and she lies in a special place, cuddled up in an old musty rug with the deity of her choice.

Dead Dog May Still Be Barking

My 12-month-old son said his first word the other day. "Mila" he uttered unmistakably. The only issue is that Mila was the name of our dog who we had just "put to sleep" earlier that day.

Is it possible that Mila is trying to speak to us from beyond? Has our son now become possessed with the spirit of our dead dog?

If anyone out there has had any experience with such a situation, please tell me what to expect next and please indicate if there are any special signs for which I should be watching.

Also, OneEar you may want to dust off the Unichurk exorcism rites.

Thanks.

Underminers Society Sewing Its Oaths

Members of the Underminers Society, the secretive burrowing group that now meets at the FU Annex on Saturday evenings, began a Friendship Hankie fundraiser project last week. Throughout history, folk-artistic social groups have sewn individual cloth squares which are later joined to form a large group quilt called a "friendship blanket."

Inspired by this concept, the Underminers launched their Friendship Hankie project. The hankie was originally chosen over the blanket as the medium of expression because it is smaller and much easier to carry in a pocket. However, the cloth hankie was seen as irrelevant in today's disposable society.

For that reason, and because they are more adept at tunneling than at sewing, the Underminers quickly adapted their project to modern technology. Underminers Friendship Hankies are modern, 3-ply white tissue papers upon which very personalized messages have been written in permanent ink.

Many Underminers use their "Snotsheets" as they call them, to describe their innermost thoughts on topics ranging from their own shortcomings to the shortcomings of their parents and even society at large. It is hoped that these will be hot sellers, and the proceeds will be applied toward the purchase of a shovel.

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EDITORIAL: We, at the First Unichurck, wish the Underminers the best in this endeavor. We know that some FU members also belong to the Underminers, and, based upon what we know about them so far, we acknowledge your right to belong to both groups. It is not clear to us why the Underminers have their bizarre initiation rite during which they take a hideous blood oath to a pagan deity, but, other than that, they seem pretty innocuous, ableit a bit dusty.

Das Krapital Forthcoming

Coco makes a good point. Screw armageddon! There really is no point to the end of time. Plus, I'm tired of warning you and of saving your asses.

Let's get on with the revolution!

Becoming a Marxist; Pointers sought

Discontent for my job has developed into disdain for work in general. As a result, I have thought about becoming a Marxist.

Would anyone out there be able to point me in the right direction toward achieving this? Is there a home-study course?

Is there a health plan for Marxists?

Thanks in advance for the help.

Your pal,
CNG

FU Candidates on Your Ballots

Theocracy is all the rage these days. Some democracies create a separation between religion and government. Fortunately, in the United States, this partition has been demolished. The current evangelical craze has greased the chute, and a minority of religious fanatics is now in a position to thrust itself into the anus of power. The First Unichurck has set its brown eyes firmly on that target.

This nation was founded on religious principles: burn the witches, kill the dark skinned, own the women, beat the children. These principles were very hard on our forefathers, but, thankfully, they were willing to bear the burden. Somehow, (and I think it had to do with those damn hippies in the 1960s), our country lost its guiding light. The First Unichurck is here to torch things back to piety.

To recap, the end is coming and our society needs leaders with illogical sadistic beliefs.

I think we can help with that. The First Unichurck has developed a two-legged stool upon which to seat the doomsday government:

1. Re-education initiative. Using techniques gleaned from A Clockwork Orange, we shall re-educate television viewers with "beliefs" designed to return this great nation to the religious zealotry that we all miss so much. Computre programmers will then secretly incorporate their value system into the computer code. Which brings us to:
2. "Voting" Machines. We believe that people will accept voting machines with absolutely no record or means of corroboration. We know it sounds ridiculous, but our research shows that people can be easily convinced simply by saying, "What are you, some kind of a conspiracy theorist?"

We call this program, "Giving voters the number one and the number two," and it is signalled by showing the middle finger of first one hand and then the other in a sign of solidarity.

So remember, when you attend candidate rallies this fall, keep an eye out for the secret signal and then give em the old FU salute!

Underminers Society Now Meets at FU

Let's give a big FU welcome to the Underminers Society of America. The USofA, like the Masons or the Elks, is a fraternal organization (which now recognizes women).

The Underminers were founded in 1925 when renowned burrower Cecil “Digger” Digston invited two business associates to dig underground tunnels from their businesses to his system of shafts which thereby created history’s first recorded “networking opportunity.”

From those humble beginnings, the Underminers eventually grew into a multi-state society. The group continues to promote tunneling and other types of burrowing but has also expanded into crawl spaces, pits, and even the occasional cellar.

Meetings of the Underminers will be held regularly each Saturday at the FU annex. Hardhats are recommended as are lights and string.

The New Rusty

American Idle

Concerns have been expressed, disquietudes disquieted, and apprehensions unapprehended about the current depiction of our savior, Rusty.

It is no easy task to create a cartoon representation of the source of all life and soul, especially when he is a one-eared, slightly incompetent sheep. Thus far, the Churck has allowed him to be depicted by his enemies.

You will recall the famous volley in the cartoon crusades when Rusty was depicted with a pickle and a sausage and a thought. In a variation of "turn the other cheek," the Churck mooned his detractors by embracing their image of Rusty. A complete line of Rustywhear soon followed, designed and distributed by RUE, Inc., a faith-based initiative. However, apparently not all followers of the True Churck see the wisdom of this strategy. As mentioned, we have received countless concerns, disquietudes and apprehensions which I will not bother to count.

At the recent meeting of the high Churck council, all of the attending bishops got drunk, fell down and acted stupid. Bishop Busty Foxxx of Detroit did not even bother to attend. Thus, the problem remains unresolved. Please submit your proposed images of his holiness and we will take them under advisement.

Sports Enthusiast Shocked to Learn that North Carolina Even Had Hockey Team

I am one of those guys who knows a little bit about everything. Like a freshly fertilized field of dreams, I am a mile wide and an inch deep. In some places, I am even shallower.

So I was shocked to learn, while watching Sportscenter last night, that the North Carolina something-or-others defeated the Edmonton Oilers to win the NHL Stanley Cup last night. Shocked that a Canadian team is in the "National" Hockey League? No, I forgave that discordance at the skates of Wayne "The Great One" Gretzky.

Shocked that they are playing hockey in June? Well, yes, that is weird.

But the really stupefying surprise is that there is a hockey team in North Carolina!?! When in the froach did that happen? They showed several minutes of guys skating around holding up the big Stanley Cup cup. I will say one thing for the iNHL, they do have a cool trophy.

Anyway, my latest research project is to try to figure out the team name for this mysterious bunch. They wear red shirts with a giant swirl on the front. Swirlies? That seems like a strange name for a hockey team. But then again, who plays hockey in North Carolina in June?

FU Weekly

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

President Bush Makes Secret Trip to My Half-Bath

United States President George W. Bush made a top-secret trip to the half-bathroom off of my kitchen last night. Bush's lightning trip was cloaked in extreme secrecy and security to the extent that absolutely nobody knew about his visit. Even members of his cabinet were unaware of his visit, and the administration has not explicitly mentioned the excursion. Still, I know he was there.

Buy With a Little Help From My Friends

I need a little help here. My latest "get rich quick scheme" is to write a biography about our next President. The logistical problem, which you have probably already diagnosed, is that I don't know who to write about.

I considered writing biographies about all of the likely contenders. That, however, seemed like a lot of writing, and I don't really like to write.

Next, I considered writing a generic biography using the name "NEXTPRESIDENT" which I could then find/replace with the appropriate name. That also seemed like too much work. Plus, I like to personalize my work.

So, I am left with the only remaining solution - accurately predict the future. This too seems like too much work, so I would prefer that you do this part and I will do the rest. (I reserve the right to ask you to do some of the rest later).

"Las Vegas Revue" Not in Las Vegas and Not a Revue

It has come to my attention that there is a discotheque just North of Chicago which goes by the name "Las Vegas Revue." As I mentioned, the location of this particular hotspot is North of Chicago. It is, therefore, not located in Las Vegas. This is simply geographic incompetence.

The greater offense is perpetrated by the fact that the Las Vegas Revue is NOT a revue. A "revue" is defined as "a musical show consisting of skits, songs, and dances, often satirizing current events, trends, and personalities."

I have it on good authority that the Las Vegas Revue hosts no skits or songs. There are dances but they are not very satirical. In short, the Las Vegas Revue is guilty of false advertising.

A person might be driving down the road thinking, "Las Vegas Revue?, maybe I'll stop in here to catch a skit." Upon learning of the $20.00 cover charge, the person might say, "Boy, that is expensive, but it will be worth it to see a good lampooning of our current political leaders." After entering and ordering a beer, the person might be shocked to learn that no alcohol is served and that there is a one drink minimum. "Ok, I guess I'll have a $12.00 Pepsi," the person is likely to say. "It will be worth it to see some satirical personalities." This person is in for a surprise.

This happened to a friend of mine, and he was sorely disappointed by the lack of satirical personalities. There were people dancing. In fact, people kept asking for a "private dance." This flies in the face of the "revue" concept.

A revue is a SHOW. You need costumes. These people had no costumes. You need public spoofery. These people were spoofing in private. You need burlesque. Well, admittedly they did have burlesque. But they were missing all of the other finer elements of a revue.

It is the classic bait and switch.

Look--how about some practical reviews?

Alright, these "gasbag" reviews of "books" are nice and everything, but who really needs practical advice about whether or not to read a book? I think we all know the answer to that question.

So, why not have a review of some recent movies? That way, you may save some money waiting for the DVD release.

Let's start with X-Men III, The Last Stand. Huge potential, miserable disappointment. The first two really were comic booky, this one is as gay as pink on parade. Save your money. The only potential saving grace was Dr. Jean Grey, who is exceptionally hot, but she seemed to have some sort of skin and eye problem in this episode.

Let's move next to, and wrap up with, Thank you for smoking . Worth the ten bucks just to see Tom Cruiseseses' wife faking sex with a non-Christian scientist. Great dark humor.

Next time: Girls Gone Wild, Co-ed Try-outs.

Wise-ass Virgins and Godesses

The latest? Sporadic Gasbag Review lived up to the billing - it was sporadic. See Ms. Keeks' review of City of Lights . Telling the gripping tale of an adopted daughter's struggle to write a timely review, Ms. Keeks delves into topics ranging from virgins to heroin. I couldn't help but think, perhaps they should build a real City of Lights.


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Word Whores
Under the pretense of reviewing Full Speed, Attila the Mom, aka Lilwalnutbrain, uses this week's bag of gas as a literary excuse to criticize ghost writers. For shame! Is there anything ignoble about being a prostitue? If feminism has taught us anything, it is that feminism apparently hasn't taught us anything.

Where would Nancy Drew be without Edward Stratemeyer? Who would ever remember author Jack Kennedy without Ted Sorensen? And what about a God putting his "me too" on the literary works of Matthew, Mark, Luke et al?

I personally would never stoop to writing for money. Go ahead and tempt me with an eight-figure book deal and see how I handle it. No, my credibility is not for sale! But, just out of curiousity, how much is eight figures?


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Nightmare on Phlegm Street

Nightmare54, a gasbag expert in the odor of cattle feces, aimed his sensitive nostrils at the big screen this week and took a big whiff. His verdict on the stench emanating from Uptown Girls? Ladies and gentlemen, we have bullshit.

If I am not correct, and often I don't, Uptown Girls is a movie adaptation of a song by the piano man himself, Billy Joel Osmond, eldest of the talented Osmond family. But wait a minute! After bashing the movie for several paragraphs, Nightmare gave us a glimpse of some of the content:

In one scene Brittney would be wearing tights under a see through
skirt and then you would catch a glimpse of her G-string then the tights would
flash back in place…and let’s face it, who doesn’t like to look at panties? They
are sexy, and when they are slightly covered up….that is HOT!!

This movie sounds like a wonderful exploration of the human condition - a veritable classic. I'm beginning to doubt the bullshit smeller's bullshit smellability.

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Sven Rescues JT Rowling From Obscurity

This week's gasbag review is by Sven. Bucking the gasbag directive to avoid obscure material, Sven stole into the depths of the unknown to emerge with "Harry Potter and the Giblet of Fire." According to Sven, the book portrays the life and times of "prepubescent imps and magical little friends." This may explain why I'm not familiar with the book insofar as I'm sure it would not be permitted on my Court-approved reading list.

But while we're on the subject of Gimlets of Fire, here is my favorite recipe:

2 oz Vodka
1/2 oz lime juice.
Splash of tabasco.

Mixing instructions: Mix together.

Best served in a goblet.

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Compulsive Liar Seeks Truth
http://unabashedliar.blogspot.com/2006/04/truth-about-diamonds.html

This week, sweet young Meg, a self-described compulsive liar, reviews The Truth About Diamonds by Nicole Richie. See Meg's review. As we all know, Nicole Richie is the somewhat trampy daughter of singer Lionel Richie. Her claim to fame is being the somewhat trampy heroin-using sidekick of the somewhat trampy Hilton family heiress. Together, they took the Green Acres/City Slickers concept to an all new high in low through their somewhat trampy show A Simpleton's Life.

I had no idea that Richie was also a somewhat trampy author. I recall an FCC brou-ha-ha about her saying "F~ck!ng Sh!t" during some live TV broadcast, but I didn't know that she writes her own material.

From Meg's review, I gather that Richie's literary creation is only semi-fictional.

But is it real or is it fiction? I kept asking myself. Oh well. I guess I'll never know. I do, however, know that this book met my expectations almost exactly. I expected the book to suck, and guess what. It sucked.

If Richie wrote a book that sucked, I would assume that it is an autobiography.

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British Saint Reviews Poppy Book
This week's gasbag review by St. Jude of a book called Tall Poppies, never answers the central question:

Do tall poppies make you higher?

On behalf of the flock, I will look into it.

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Brilliant review of What to Expect When You're Expecting by the inpenetrable OneEar

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Sporadic Gasbagger is MIA
The premise - each week, an Sporadic Gasbagger will review an awful book, movie or television. The problem - one of the SGR reviewers is missing and presumed dead. The solution - Attila the Mom pointed readers to a post about a Scotsman and his family.
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A Sporadic Gasbag's Impressions of the Film AI
This week's sporadic gasbag review's the movie AI. You will remember this film from the stellar performance by Haley Joe Osmond, the youngest of the talented Osmond family. Although I am no fan of the "boy robot befriends male prostitute" movies, I do not share the gasbag's fervent dislike for this particular film. Granted, one might have expected more from a Spielberg written and directed version of a Kubrick vision, but, then again, they can't all be Eyes Wide Shut.

First Unichurck Finds a Home

Fellow FUCkers;

I would like to invite us all to fellowship in a house of worship made entirely of legos.

Get a load of this.

I think this will be perfect for our next retreat.

OneEar Forced to Re-live Superhero’s Reunion in Excruciating Detail

MrsEar and I had the pleasure of spending 6 hours in the car together yesterday as we drove to and fro to drop off the little Ears with GrandmaEar and GrandpaEar. This provided the opportunity for the little exchange that I like to call “Probe the Ear.”

It is not nearly as exciting or tantalizing as it sounds. Rather, it is an exercise in intense interrogation and the defense thereto. It combines a fishing expedition for information with a fact check for inconsistencies with an opportunity for censure. Other couples call this “conversation.” MrsEar calls it, “How was your weekend?”

MrsEar: So, how was your weekend?
OneEar: Fine.
MrsEar: What did you guys do?
OneEar: “The Usual”
MrsEar (suspiciously): Why did you make those quotation marks in the air when you said “the Usual?”
OneEar: I don’t know.
(Long pause)
MrsEar (resuming a pleasant but cautious tone): Where did Mrs. Coco and the little Coco’s go while you guys were in town?
OneEar: I think they went to a waterpark.
MrsEar: Who did they go with?
OneEar: I don’t know.
(Long pause)
MrsEar (tacking for a different approach angle): Did you get to see Baby Coco?
OneEar: Yes.
MrsEar: How is he?
OneEar (confidently): Fine. He is cute.
MrsEar (warmly): Why, what did he do?
OneEar (hesitantly): He crawled.
(Long pause)
OneEar (frantically): He does other baby stuff.
(Long pause)
OneEar (panicking): I think he does simple math.
(Long pause)
MrsEar (her head already shaking): How is Alceste?
OneEar (confidently): Fine.
MrsEar: He has a new job?
OneEar: I think so.
MrsEar (clearly irritated): What is Mrs. Alceste doing now?
OneEar: I’m not sure.
MrsEar: Is Dr. LBok still dating the same woman?
OneEar: I’m not sure.
MrsEar: What about Ono?
OneEar (confidently): He’s fine.
MrsEar: And Mrs Ono and the kids?
OneEar: I think they’re fine.
MrsEar (sarcastically): Sparky’s wife and kids are “fine” too I take it?
OneEar: I think so.
MrsEar (angrily): You haven’t seen each other for a year and then you spend every waking minute together for 4 days, what in the Hell did you guys talk about?
OneEar (thinking intensely): I’m not sure.
(long pause)
OneEar: In fairness, I was out of commission one of the days.
(long pause)
OneEar: Dr. Bok makes his own scotch whiskey!
(OneEar smiles smugly at the fact that he has remembered a concrete fact from the previous weekend. MrsEar misinterprets the smugness as contempt and the non-sequitur statement as insolence).
(long pause)
MrsEar (exasperated): Why on Earth would he make his own scotch whiskey?
OneEar (honestly): I’m not sure.

And so on for 6 hours.

Administration Begged to Suspend All Civil & Human Rights During War on Poverty

Since the 1960's, our great nation has been engaged in the "War on Poverty." This is a momentous struggle that is being fought on many fronts: from the streets of our cities to our mountains, islands and horns. This war is going to take many turns. And the enemy must be defeated on every battlefield.

Yet the povertists will not go away quietly. Povertists infest every nook and cranny unless and until they are vaccuumed out and exterminated. They hate our lifestyle and, above all, our money.

Thus, the First Unichurck is calling on the Bush administration to suspend all civil and human rights indefinitely until we are triumphant in this war on poverty. We feel that it is a small price to pay for so important of a victory. Those who are against us, the povertists and sympathizers, should be secure in knowing that we will get them. We will smoke them out and torture them until they relinquish their dedication to poverty.

But povertists find shelter in many of the civil and human rights that we would otherwise provide. We would give access to social services. We would have a judicial system that uses rhetoric about fairness and equal access to the law. We would have universal access to health care. No, scratch that last one. Anyway, these are luxuries we can no longer afford. Not with these povertists lurking among us.

For the very social services we provide create an unending cycle of lazy, welfare dependent soldiers fighting for poverty. And our judicial system is used for frivolous lawsuits which act like a lottery for the stupid and easily injured. And our universal health care system ... oh yeah.

And so, my fellow Americans, we must temporarily suspend the civil rights of all citizens in order to smoke out the povertists among us. We must all relinquish all of our freedoms, including the right to private property and the right to the income from our labor. For only when we are all poor will we be able to defeat this evil foe of poverty. It is a high price to pay, but it is definitely worth it.

Iran is the nest where many of these povertists breed, and so we must recognize Iran as the central front in our war on poverty. As we fight the enemy in Iran, every man and woman who volunteers to defend our nation deserves an unwavering commitment to the mission and a clear strategy for victory. A clear strategy begins with a clear understanding of the enemy we face.

So, as long as we are all clear, let's get on with it.

Ode to a Grecian Earned

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Clowns released yet another soon-to-be chart-topper this year with the catchy tune, "Ode to a Grecian Earned." It goes a little something like this:

(Spoken) "Hi, I'm here to fix your plumbing..."

(Verse 1)
Pokey, pokey, pokey, pokey,
Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky,
Sucky, pokey, pokey, sucky
Squirt squirt squirt

(Bridge)
"All together now"

(Verse 2)
Pokey, pokey, pokey, pokey,
Sucky, sucky, sucky, sucky,
Sucky, pokey, pokey, sucky
Squirt squirt squirt

(REPEAT UNTIL TIME TO STOP)