Happy Hollow Wiener

Best of luck to all of you in the candy-acquisition process; feel free to shamelessly use your offspring to attain your goals.

FU Weekly - Paperless Voting Machines

FU Reverses Stance on "Science"

In the past, Churck elders have maintained an understandable skepticism about "science" and its accoutrements. However, it appears that science is finally getting somewhere.

As one of the early volunteers to receive a monkey head, I am now seeking FU approval for this procedure. Obviously I don't want to risk my eligibility for heaven, so I need a "heads up" on this before I go through with it.

10-17 Hundred Club

The FU is launching an inspiring new program, the 10-17 hundred club. This inspiring project will assist parishioners in their desire to donate all of their worldly wealth to the True Churck in a cost-effective manner. While the FU appeal for 501(c)(3) status is ongoing, you probably should not consider your donations to be tax-deductible. However, rest assured that 85 cents out of every dollar goes directly into the pockets of the people who should get the money.

Blogger Needs Filter

One of the benefits of writing in tradional medium is that you have the opportunity to reflect. A message transmitted to another will be vetted only after it has been painstakingly reduced to an image of ink on paper. Plus, your secretary has the opportunity to query, "Do you really think it is wise to threaten the Mayor in such a manner?"

All of these benefits are lost in the virtual world. Any idea, no matter how bizarre, is instantly communicated to everyone. If I push off as hard as I can, I can roll my chair out of my office and into the hallway. The internet should be shut down (or licensed).

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UPDATE
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Now I see that only 1% of internet sites are pornographic. Disgusting!

FU Weekly - Ole-ole-o--------Oleee-o

WIP - RIP

As you know, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the impending Rupture. But how does one prepare for the end of time/space? I’ve been studying up on quotations from all of the major religions in preparation for “the final exam.” I’ve also begun memorizing the details of some of my favorite breasts in case I need to conjure up the appropriate image in the bodiless afterlife.

Then it occurred to me: If everyone is destroyed in the Rupture, who in the Hell is going to write my obituary?!? So, I set about working on it. Obviously, it is a work-in-progress, but I've still got some time.

A celebration of the life of P. Daugel Boone, IV will be held the day after the Rupture at the sunken gardens. Mr. Boone died as a result of the end of the universe, and he is survived by nobody. There will be an open bar from 2pm until closing with no drink limits. Appetizers will include sloppy bruschetta, deviled eggs, sloppy slop con Kay’s soul, sloppy slop con carnis, sloppy slop con lechers, meat balls, goat balls, cheese balls, cheese dip, cheese logs, cheese nuggets, cheese puffs, cheesy bacon bites, cheesy potato poppers, cheesy jalapeno poppers, cheese curds, and gelatin.

Mr. Boone was born an infant suited to this world, and, in many ways, he remained that way. He was educated both in school and out and later learned lots of things otherwise. He spent numerous years in the study of difficult concepts, many of which previously were unstudied.

Mr. Boone’s first brush with fame arose from his ground-breaking work performing under the stage name “Fluffy” with the nouveaux-art-folk-noise-rock band, the Clown Squad. Boone’s musical talents were not restricted to his unique ability to forget where he was or what he was doing. “Fluffy” did not subscribe to rudimentary concepts of musical theory or practice. His special style could challenge even the most accomplished players to scratch their heads and wonder, “Does he have any idea how to play any instrument?”

Boone later wrote many award-winning books including the now famous, award-winning "Gynecological Analysis of the Enron Collapse," the seminal "How to Give Yourself Awards for Your Writing," and the award-winning career guide, "What Color is Your Pair of Shoes - Career Advice for a New Millenium From an Award-Winning Award Winner."

Of course, Boone was best known as one of the founding members and chief spokesman of the revolutionary religious institution which sucessfully synthesized all former religions and rendered them unneccessary - the First Unichurck. He also was the Chosen One. Memorial donations may be made to: First Unichurck c/o oneear.blogspot.com

Thursdays with Cocoa -- Lightning Strikes

I, of course, was struck by lightning once (more of a glancing blow really). Since then, I have discovered that I now have the ability to predict what song will play on the radio next. It doesn’t happen all the time – the weather needs to be just right – but a song (even songs I haven’t heard in years) will come into my head and then sure enough it will play on the radio within five minutes. I’m not sure if it is me communicating with the radio or the radio communicating with me. I treat it like a superpower, but I have yet to turn it into any sort of gain.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Apocalypse Soon?

A Congressman from California,apparently the vanguard of the Clown revolutionaries, has recognized that the Rupture is upon us. Mr. Doolittle, representative of the 4th district, brought his clear grasp of international affairs to a recent debate:

(The war in Iraq) he said, "leads to what the Bible ultimately says: Armageddon will take place in the Middle East. The Bible mentions the Euphrates River in Iraq as the place of prelude to the final battle of Armageddon that will bring about the world's end. "

Finally, some of the leadership of this nation has engaged in the careful analysis necessary to fully and completely adopt an apocalyptic vision of the future of the world. Only by carefully examining the webpages of the Bible (the approved version, not the rough draft) in the King's English (and King James was not gay, by the way. He just stopped at that club one time on a whim) can one find the proper strategy to employ in Iraq. Alternatively, one could simply purchase the TRIPE voice over internet to God phone system from Rusty Enterprises in order to get a direct line.

Either way, perhaps if we all pull together, we can bring about the end of the world before the end of the next election cycle.

FU Weekly - Tantric Correction

Or this?

Did any of those kids look like this?

Teach Your Children, Well?

For once, I was at a complete loss for words. Today I had the pleasure of playing chaperone on a pumpkin patch field trip. Keeping track of 45 3-4 year olds is not so much like herding cats as it is like herding mice. They are small, quick and virtually indistinguishable, and they are able penetrate any opening through which they can fit their heads. They also refuse to keep their hats and mittens on in complete disregard of the cold or of the threats of severe corporal punishment.

But this was not the troubling part. While the children were assembling at the preschool pre-trip, the teacher gathered them together to sing some of their favorite songs. The first was an innocuous greeting song about "welcome everybody" or some such shit. Then, the wheels came off.

I should have told you that the kids and teacher were singing along to a CD. This means that someone recorded, published and distributed this collection of auditory fecal matter.

Song #2 filled me with shock and awe. Those of you who have not heard this particular number may have difficulty believing the following retelling, but I swear on a stack of award-winning "What Color is My Pair of Shoes - Career Advice for a New Millenium By an Award Winning Award Winner" books that this is true.

McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut.
McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut.
McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut.
McDonalds, McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut.

Etc. There were verses about Wendys, Arbys, Burger King, Dairy Queen and always the above refrain. I shit you negative.

Not only that, there were gestures. Both arms arched to form the golden arches, and so forth. AND, the kids all knew the song and the gestures.

I must admit that I sat dumbfounded and silent during the entire excrutiating event. While we were shuttling toward the bus, I asked the teacher, "Uh, what is the deal with that McDonalds song."

She shrugged sheepishly and said, "I know its not the best kind of food, but the kids really like it."

Again, I was speechless. Sure the kids need constant advertising bombardment in order for us to spend our way out of this post-911 slump. But must they become part of the advertisement? Am I missing something or is this what it sounds and appears to be?

While I pondered, weak and weary, her words came back to haunt me: "its not the best kind of food, but the kids really like it."

On Weeee Updated - Congratulations

Our friend Alceste has just completed his PhD! Sincere congratulations to you, sir. You are now, without a doubt, the most highly educated drummer in the Clown Squad.

You are hereby officially forgiven for and absolved of all sins to date including but not limited to your troubling absence from Churck services. However, now that you have disposed of your dissertation, we expect you to become more regular.
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My Toast to You

We are gathered here today to honor a real man – but not just any man. This man is a father, a son, a brother, and an uncle, and a brother-in-law, and a taxpayer. And he is a friend. He is all that a man can, nay should, no MUST be. He is a man’s man.

I will never forget the first time that I met {insert name} . I was immediately struck by his sincerity, his genuineness, his authenticity, and his realness. Over time, I came to know {insert name} not just as a real man, but also as a (make quotation marks in air) “real” man. Yes, he is both real and (make quotation marks in air) “real.”

And so, on this special occasion, we raise our glasses, both figuratively and metaphorically, and we give a toast, “This one’s for you {insert name}, for being one of the really real men.

(Cue: For He's a Jolly Good Fellow - to the tune of The Bear Went Over the Mountain)

Kim Getting On Nerves Of FU

North Korea is really starting to p!ss me off. First they launched a rocket more than 30 feet offshore. Now, they are threatening to look up nucular weapons on wikipedia!

If they don't knock it off, the US is going to .... wait, I think we're busy.

On Slavery

I am the descendant of slaves. So are you. Of course, as a relatively young nation, the US only had 300-400 years of slavery.

In the United States, the second largest slave state was NY. For this reason, there was a civil war. That and secession.

As enlightened folks, we now despise slavery. Except for children. They can't drink or vote, but they can fight in wars and be tried as adults whenever they shoot people at school.

Exercism

Dead Dog May Still Be Barking

King of the Hill

A US House of Representatives ethics subcommittee has begun an intense examination of "fat jokes" about Speaker Dennis Hastert.

(photo courtesy of http://www.lewrockwell.com/floyd/floyd9.html)

Recent cannibalistic behavior by members of the Republican Party has led to widespread speculation that Denny Hastert may have actually eaten murdered intern Chandra Levy. It is noted that Hastert has inexplicably gained 128 pounds and that this is the precise weight of Levy, cleaned and dressed.

It is also observed that Hastert recently acquired his own zip code, bathed at Sea World, was pushed back into the ocean at the beach, and began beeping when backing up.

The ethics panel hopes to learn exactly what Hastert ate and when he ate it. If it turns out that he does, in fact, engage in the ritualistic consumption of human flesh, he may be asked to resign from his position of leadership.

Clowns in High Places

Dateline - Alameda, CA. AP reports that a Clown is running for the city's highest public office.

Usually, I don't support anything that happens West of the incontinental divide. But, in this case, I urge the Churck's full endorsement of the candidacy of whatever his name is, you know, the clown.

Speaking of Berkeley, I see that the Nobel Prize in Physics was awarded to the guys that did the Cobe project and thereby provided strong evidence of the "Big Bang." They looked for and found cosmic microwave radiation variations, so that pretty much ends that discussion. Now, we just have to figure out how Rusty caused the Big Bang.

Accolades Accumulate

Rusty Never Sleeps - Official Site of the First Unichurck is now, officially, "Truly the greatest blog in America." Thank you, Crash Test Comic, for confirming our supremacy and for thereby validating our outreach in the fellowship of Rusty.

I haven't witnessed this kind of support since my award-winning first book, How to Give Yourself Awards for Your Writing, received its unprecedented number of awards.

However, I am concerned with the caveat "greatest blog in America." Is there some foreign blog of which I am not aware?