RE: Information

I received the following email:

Any vacuum cleaner can non-chalantly make love to a chain saw around an eggplant, but it takes a real mastadon to teach a temporal roller coaster. A bowling ball inside the tape recorder hesitates, and a smelly apartment building feels nagging remorse; however, the feverishly cosmopolitan avocado pit brainwashes the fashionable bowling ball. A blithe spirit over the blithe spirit is hairy.

Furthermore, the plaintiff living with a demon earns frequent flier miles, and a tripod of the defendant inexorably brainwashes the bowling ball over an oil filter. If the senator gives a pink slip to a Eurasian fundraiser, then a rattlesnake from a carpet tack hesitates. An unstable nation

Most people believe that a grain of sand defined by the power drill laughs and drinks all night with a nearest freight train, but they need to remember how accurately another spartan reactor procrastinates. If a parking lot carelessly requires assistance from the feline bottle of beer, then a defendant around a minivan daydreams. A jersey cow about a corporation is resplendent. Any parking lot can secretly admire a photon inside the fundraiser, but it takes a real class action suit to derive perverse satisfaction from the annoying paper napkin. When a microscope leaves, a power drill rejoices. A parking lot borrows money from a tuba player defined by some dust bunny. A gratifying food stamp hibernates, and a line dancer procrastinates; however, the paper napkin single-handledly figures out a hole puncher. A bowling ball beyond a cough syrup figures out the globule. Indeed, the steam engine has a change of heart about a mating ritual.

For example, an accidentally flatulent class action suit indicates that a mating ritual inexorably buys an expensive gift for a pathetic senator. A turkey prays, and an infected line dancer sweeps the floor; however, the mortician writes a love letter to some seldom purple tabloid. When a skyscraper inside a skyscraper trembles, a greasy plaintiff earns frequent flier miles. Now and then, a ball bearing secretly befriends a knowingly alleged insurance agent. The wheelbarrow living with a fairy, a paper napkin related to the cowboy, and another smelly freight train are what made America great! Some tuba player

This is some of the finest writing that it has been my pleasure to read in quite some time. Notwithstanding the quality of the prose, can someone please explain how money is made by sending me this informative correspondence?

A Mass Fetish FU Embrace

If there is one thing to which not enough attention is paid, it is mass fetish. Sometimes inaccurately referred to as "popular culture," mass fetish is the shared concern of the enlightened many - the creme de les eaux d'égout.

The First Unichurck would like to take this opportunity to shine a light on the caliginosity of popular mass media. Some people like feet. Some people like to see photographs of famous people who are mostly famous for being famous, and they like to see them doing routine things. Just image if Lindsey Lohan ever took a sh!t! With bare feet! Now you get the picture.

That is what we should be celebrating - bare-footed sh!tting famous people (perhaps dressed like a nurse or a cowgirl). This separation between Churck and state has got to go! Let the mass-whole speak, let the mass-whole watch, and let the mass-whole rule!

Mission FINALLY Accomplished--thanks to Sesame Street

In a much anticipated move, Sesame Street's Bert, of the famed duo "Ernie and Bert", revealed the accomplishment of an ongoing covert mission to assassinate Osama Bin Laden. Or is it 'Usama'? Bert, who has always been considered the more responsible, stern, serious-minded and perhaps downright mean of the two--the SuperEgo to Ernie's Id, if you will--held a press conference yesterday in Paris, France where he revealed the nature, duration and an overview of this mission accomplished.

When it became clear that the Administration wanted to capture and/or
assassinate Mr. Bin Laden, the Executive Producers of Sesame Street were
unable to ignore the similarities between the current Head of administration and
a certain orange-faced, silly laughing colleague of mine. They approached
me to play on my experiences with Ernie and take control of the situation.
Now, unlike on Sesame Street, where Ernie's shenanigans ultimately bring him out
on top at the end of the scenario and my being humiliated for being such a
tight-ass as a representation of the inherent value of youthful, innocent and
playful attitudes triumphing over the oppressive, regulated, adult world
a-la-the counter-culture movement of the Sixties, in this case, my cold-blooded
strict tendencies managed to win out as I jabbed my syringe full of Typhoid
innoculum into Mr. Bin Laden's right lung. Eat that, Ernie. Who's
the man now?

When asked how the Sesame Street team were able to locate Bin Laden and then further infiltrate his inner security circle, the pointed-headed assassin responded,

It was diabolically simple. It has been known for some time that
Mr. Bin Laden is a big fan of my colleague, Grover. We simply extended an
offer to meet, have dinner and view previously unreleased episodes of "Super
Grover saves Islamabad". What Mr. Bin Laden didn't realize, obviously, is
that some of the cast of Sesame Street such as myself and colleague Oscar the
Grouch, actually have quite unpleasant dispositions. Hey--I'm no Elmo, if
you know what I mean. That was the Bin Laden team's critical error.
The irony of it all was my ability, even after the Typhoid had been injected, to
get one of Bin Laden's henchmen to snap this picture of me in action.
Poetic is the only word that comes to mind. Thank you for your
attention.

Cocoa Reappears

From Sunday to Thursday I was in Miami acting as the "official drunk" at the annual computer conference that my job sends me to.

As I catch up on the Unichurk postings, I am struck by the uncanny relevance these postings have to the way the last four days played out.

First, there is OneEar's posting about how drinking makes you wealthier because it allows you to acquire more contacts and build social capital. My actions proved that nothing could be truer. The first morning, as I stumbled in to the first conference session, possibly in the clothes I slept in, and bleeding from wounds of unknown origin, I knew just what the other attendees were thinking. "Here comes a guy with whom I really want to do business!" ……and "What is it that I can do to make this guy wealthier?"

Then, there is Miss Litzi's theory that one advantage to being alone is that "...you can behave outrageously without fear of condemnation from your peers." My answer to this is that if you are in a large group and your peers are uttering condemnations (as in "Mr. Cocoa, please come down from there you are frightening the other attendees") but the condemnations are unable to be comprehended by the condemned, then do those condemnations really exist?

Finally there is the pleasant reappearance of Snotty, not only on these pages but in my life as well. Let me just say that the best two ways to impress an attractive 25-year-old female colleague during dinner are:
1) Regale her in an almost never-ending babbling stream of consciousness about how you still pine for the unrequited loves of your elementary school days, and
2) Just after dessert, place your white linen napkin over your hand and engage in an extended performance of puppetry not only for her delight but for all of the wait staff as well – Good ol' Snotty!

I'm not sure for how much longer I can get away with this.

Don't Make Me Come Up There

OneEar wonders aloud, "What the f^ck is going on up there?"

First, asstronauts out on a spacewalk dropped some bolts. Ok, perhaps that is excusable. We've all done that kind of thing. Working on the lawnmower and then, "Crap!," and the nut is lost forever in the long grass which is very high because the lawnmower doesn't work. I guess that could happen in space too.

Then, crew members on the space station had to don gas masks after smelling a "noxious gas." I suspect that crewman Williams, who first detected the odor, is probably to blame. I base my supposition on the "He who smelt it, dealt it" postulate.

Today, NASA reports that there is more space sh!t floating around the space shuttle Atlantis. There are some pieces of foil and two rings that are just floating there. Although it seems to happen every time, I am always a little bit worried when I end up with spare parts lying around after "fixing" my lawnmower. It usually seems to work just fine, but one has to wonder, "Is this thing going to burn up in the atmosphere?"

NASA, please consider this your last warning. If there are any more shenanigans, I am withdrawing my support for this whole damn thing.

Short People Not Necessarily Sub-Human!?

The latest evidence from Flores seems to indicate that the Abu Gogo, fossils of which were discovered in caves in 2004, were just short pygmys with correspondingly small brains and NOT hobbits who may have bred with goats and whose ancestors may have migrated to Poland, Ireland, or the United States. My apologies to Loud But Off Key for my earlier comments.

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Meaning of a Friend

Heal Thyself

I Always Drink On Fridays

It has been all over the news! Drinking makes you wealthier!

You had to know I would pick up on this story.

Rain of Terror

Its A Snotty Life

The MLKing Day Bunny

Two Balloons in the Wind

The New Adventures of Snotty and Spoogy - War Jokes

War! Infitada! Declared on Churck

In a surprizing and as yet incomprehensible strategic move, fitness-celebrity John Basedow has declared that he is tired of repeating that he is, therefore, only interested in cosmetically significant fitness results.

Anyone can get in "good" cardiovascular shape and extend his functional
life-expectancy by 10 to 20 years, but hey, who's going to hang around for that
long to see results when you're trying to pick up barely-legal boys at
rest-stops? It's the pec-implants,
frosted-a-la-1970's-hairdo-that-my-mom-sported-with-much-greater-class-and-success,
purple wife-beaters and the triangle symbol that takes you places. And,
BTW, FITNESS MADE SIMPLE is declaring
"I-Dee-Claire-WAR-W-A-R" on the First Unichurck. I've had it with that
maimed sheep and all his ramblings. He's only got one ear, for Gosh's
sake. We're going to show him what a few thousand sit-ups per day
because I don't have a real job that would otherwise take up my waking
hours can do. I and my army of
purple prancing Peter Pans will look one more time in the mirror--just for a
sec--and then teach him some lessons in the fine art of socially crippling but
financially lucrative narcisism--he REALLY could use a lesson in saturation
advertising. We're on every station on cable!! Heeheeheeeheeee!
Thilly Theep. I will frost his curly locks before the week is out.
It will be the mother of all frostings. And maybe a Brazilian wax, while
we're at it.

Underminers Society Missing!

The Underminers Society of America, motto - "Under All Lies Dirt," are missing, and investigators are very worried. Following the success of their Friendship Hankie project, the Underminers apparently acquired a shovel. Exactly what they intended to do with the digging implement is the subject of intense speculation. The secretive burrowing group began a series of closed session meetings to which access was very guarded, and experts have only been able to hypothesize about what they might have been up to.

However, a spokesman for the First Unichurck, the faith-based establishment where the Underminers had been holding their meetings, announced that the Churck computer browser history showed some unusual activity for which Churck members are unable to account.


OneEar, in prepared remarks on behalf of the First Unichurck, stated: "I think the idiots drowned."

Cowardly Comment about the number Pi spurs premature concluding post from OneEar

Back off, sheepy! Just, back off!

And in the End, There Was Rusty

And so, this explains where Rusty came from, how his disciples found him, and how OneEar became "Number One."

Hopefully, this makes the whole thing clearer and will save your soul from the Rupture and will inspire you to do good works.

In the name of Rusty.

Ahem.

Code Rut-Ro Runs Into a Zoinks!

You've got your upside and then you've got your downside. There's the rub.

The First Unichruck is trying to re-originate the Western black rhino (Codename Rut-Ro). As noted previously, in order to originate this sub-species of rhino, somebody needs to get f^cked by an Eastern black rhino. The problem arises because all of the suggested recipients of a good rhino-f^cking are people whose characteristics one would not want to reproduce in the rhino population.

Case in point - Ronald Dumsfeld. Granted, he could use a good rhino-f^cking. He'd probably enjoy it. "Give it to me, you big, horny liberator," he'd probably say. But, do we really want a species of rhinos that are as short-sighted, unsympathetic and fanatical as Dumsfeld?

Others have suggested that Paris Hilton might accomodate a good rhino-f^cking. Probably true, but there are two problems: 1) you can't impregnate via the mouth and 2) the rhino offspring would be unbearable. I'd probably shoot one myself just to keep it off of the airwaves.

We must find someone who could accomodate a good rhino-f^cking but who would not harm the disposition of the rhino species. Who?

"Is Enough Really Enough?" -Draft 1A

Is Enough Really Enough?

The answer is yes. How do you know enough is enough? Because there is no distinction between enough and enough. In short, this paper is all about doubting distinctions. If you propose a distinction, I will doubt it.

Rogue cells of a loose confederation of experiences, known as El Qualia, have sworn an allegiance to destroy Willard Van Orman Quine’s concept of physicalism. These independent groups of cells are identified principally by what it is like to experience them rather than by any particular personal or geographic boundaries. El Qualia cells are known to disrupt the physical world by emerging in the mind and thereby forcing the acknowledgment of their existence.

But is there a distinction between these El Qualia cells and a bologna sandwich? The answer is, “no.” For is a bologna sandwich truly a bologna sandwich? Yes, there is no distinction. Well, then, if truth is, by definition, incoherent, then a bologna sandwich is truly an El Qualia cell.

Let’s come at it from a different angle. Suppose you have four people playing chess simultaneously against one another on 6 different chessboards. Two of the boards are synchronized so that all pieces move correspondingly, but in opposite directions. Now, suppose that the game is played in a rodeo arena where a bull and a wild bear are turned loose. Wouldn’t that be neat?

Now, suppose that the bear is riding the bull and that the bull is wearing rollerblades. Would you not wonder how they taught that bull to rollerblade? Would you not question how the bear learned to stay on the bull's back? Would anyone join the chess club?

So, I think we can see that the addition of a few variables turns an otherwise sedate intellectual game into a wild bloodbath of chaos. But does this render the experience anything other than chess? No, it remains chess, only it is 6 handed chess in a rodeo ring while running from a bear riding a bull on rollerblades.

Charging Rhino

Query: How do you stop a charging rhino?
Answer: Take away his credit card.

People Keep Asking Me Questions

SMC Announces Dividend
http://oneear.blogspot.com/2006/09/rue-looks-to-cash-in-on-sudden.html

In an effort to bolster sluggish stock sales in Send Me Cash.com, which are lagging far behind expectations, Chief Chief OneEar has announced that the company will pay investors a 15% dividend this year. For each dollar invested, the company will send back 15 cents. “Come on, guys,” says Ear, “Where else are you going to get a 15% return?”

Ear hopes that the dividend will excite lazy, good-for-nothing dot.com investors who, thus far, have shunned the fledgling company. “Does Microsoft offer a 15% dividend,” queried OneEar, “No!” “We’ve got triple digit growth, a double digit dividend, we’re young, we’re hip, we’re a dot.com…. come on guys…. .please?”

SMC’s announcement brought mixed results from Wall Street. “Who did what now?” said one leading analyst.

OneEar maintains his optimism. “Look, we’re not a Wall Street company, we’re a Main Street company. We’re not casual Friday, we’re casual everyday. We’re not top down, we’re bottoms up. You ask WHY they should send me their cash, I ask, HOW they should send me their cash.”

Ear seemed defensive when asked whether SMC actually does anything. “Does anybody really DO anything?” “Look,” continued OneEar, “You give me $1,000.00 and I will send you $150.00. Then, you only need to work for another $850.00 in order to give me another $1,000.00, at which time I’ll give you $150.00. Now, you have made $300.00, I’ve made $1,700.00 and together we have made $2,000.00 total out of your $1,850 investment. This is what is called “creating wealth.” Now, SendMeCash. What more can I say?”

RUE Looks to "Cash In" on Sudden Popularity

Mr. OneEar, High Priestest and Chosen One of the First Unichurck (a faith based initiative) and Chief Chief Chief of RUE, Ltd has announced an initial public offering of stock in the wholly owed subsidiary SendMeCash.com (SMC). Ear acknowledges that RUE’s IPO of stock in the rapidly growing SMC may come as a surprise to some analysts.

"Who did what now?" asked one leading Wall Street homeless man.

"RUE has enjoyed modest success as a private venture," says Ear, "much more modest than I had anticipated. "But the upside potential for this venture is enormous."

Despite the fact that nobody wanted to hear any more about this subject, Ear continued, "One year ago, nobody expected us to make a cent. RUE was not even on the radar screen of many analysts."

Ear begs comparison of the company's dismal past with its awesome prospects for growth. "We earned $2.16 this year as compared with $0.00 last year. If you do the math, that represents an infinite growth rate. Did Microsoft have infinite growth in the past year?" With numbers like these, Ear expects investors to flock to SMC. "I've already ordered my speedboat," says Ear, so I hope these angel investors hurry up.

According to Ear, SMC does not have any recognizeable business activity per se. "But look at the growth," says Ear. "Numbers do not lie. They just don't. Lie, that is. Numbers, I'm speaking about."

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The preceding represents a forward looking statement which consists of facts and opinions which may or may not be based within the realm of generally recognized reality (GRR). Any statement contained therein may be a delusional fiction made for purposes of defrauding investors and should therefore be taken lightly if at all. I mean, seriously!

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POO NEWS
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Alceste Ahead of Art

Award winning filmaker Martin Creed, having recently released his film involving 19 vignettes of people vomiting to camera, has indicated his work on the Shit Film.

the Shit Film. As the title suggests, this will involve footage of people defecating to camera. It will be shot on widescreen CinemaScope against the backdrop of an "infinity curve" - an apparently seamless background that gives the impression of there being no horizon line between the floor and the wall.

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Murderer Paints With Hair, M&Ms

Donny Johnson is a killer convicted of killing a friend to death over PCP laced cigarettes and then of stabbing a prison guard. Like most artists, his creative urge causes him to murder people. Thank you to the NY Times for featuring this misunderstood soul. If only he would paint with his own sh!t.