The Bar That DBok Ruined - Update

As I mentioned, I am in the process of buying the Yellow House bar (the one that DokBok smart-assed right out of business). We will decide whether to pull the trigger in the next few days. Jack the Giant will run the place and I will supervise.

So, I've been checking out Craigslist for some of the items we would need including:

Bar Stool Go Cart, Honda Power, Very Fast - $1100

How many times have you said to yourself, "I wish this bar stool would do 90 mph."

Me too.

Alternatively, we could try this:

It's only a two and a half hour van ride south...


Reservoir Dogs, anyone?

Here's what we're doing for the next Rusty...

Bring your bathing suits, BB guns and bad attitudes, boys. Loud, awful music won't hurt, either.

This should keep us all busy.

I dreamed a dream of Rusty

All the major players were there. Except Litzi, since my dream-generator has only written files on her. OneEar was intoxicated and physically mischievous to the other patrons of the large, fancy hotel/spa/convention center where I was doing something work-related and the clowns had showed up for a simultaneous Session. Alceste had somehow managed to become covered in mud, and was grouchily looking for a quiet back room in which to sleep. He shoved some fax machines and desktop computers aside and settled in like a grizzly in his cave preparing to sleep through the winter, getting mud everywhere on the nice furniture. He laughed a little, grunted something foul, and shut his eyes behind his unremoved glasses.

OnO was talking with the hotel manager, trying to avoid some sort of punishment, or at least inquiring as to what sort of punishment could be expected if there were, say, a bunch of clowns running around drunk, having permanently stained the spa and its towel-clad patrons. He was also putting himself in the position to question the amount of the bill, with no intention to actually barter, only to agree completely with whatever the manager said.

Cocoa was ridiculing us, unimpressed with anything. He evidently did not approve of the circumstance and was letting all of us, and hords of otherwise innocent bystanders (no one is really innocent, he thinks, but that is another point altogether) know. He was sober and seemed sulky. More so than usual.

Then, the dream came to conclusion with me encountering my high-school girlfriend at the hospital-business part of the convention. She was working for industry, and like the majority of the convention paid participants, was wearing maroon hospital scrubs. As the convention was coming to an end and people (not the clowns, of course) were disbanding and checking out of the hotel (it was a very big hotel, and nice, and the clowns weren't going anywhere until forced), I accompanied her down some big, marble stairs that led down to the parking lot outside in the snowbanks. She was chatting with some passing colleagues as we descended; right before we started down the stairs, at the top where there was a nice overlook to the snow-covered scenery around us, I encountered an old teammate from my wrestling team in college. He seemed successful with nice clothes and a fancy haircut, being a bit stand-offish to people trying to catch up with him and engage him in small-talk. We saw each other and gave an uncomfortable man-hug--you know, more than a handshake because much time had passed since we had seen each other, and we were comrades once. Back to the near-bottom of the staircase: suddenly, my former girlfriend clacked her teeth together as she was laughing with her colleague, and her front teeth broke in half in the middle. As her broken tooth shards fell from her mouth, I instinctively tried to follow the broken chicklet onto its resting place on the stairs, as I felt a repair would then be possible.

It was all pure instinct; I've had no formal training in dental triage or disaster management. Just sort of a 'oop--there it goes, oh and it's tumbling, bouncing over that way and under the edge of the carpet' that goes through the mind of a housecat as it watches a red dot from a laser pointer wiggle over the floor, confusing the mental apparatus that had evolved over millions of years to successfully inhale its prey.

My more recent girlfriend had figured prominently earlier in the dream, as I was trying as hard as possible to protect her from the wiley and predictable ways of the monkey platoon. When Alceste began forming his muddy nest, she was delighted that there seemed to be permission to act as a homeless person, and she, too, found a spot on the floor to bed down, fully clothed with a backpack.

Getting back to the tumbling tooth, as I watched it in motion, trying to make a mental note of its final resting place, I was watching the face and form of my former companion--her face turned white, and then blue as her knees buckled and she fainted, falling flat on her back on the stairs, presumedly from the pain of a fractured tooth and the psychological distress of a front tooth wrecking her appearance. It's cute when you're six, but even hockey players can't fashionably support a toothless grin.

As you can imagine, my attention was split between the final locus of the tooth, and the dropping body in front of me. Years of formal medical training finally allowed my squirrel-in-the-street-with-an-oncoming-car brain to look after the patient and place the patient's wild tooth on a lower level of priority. I propped her knees up, and the color began to return to her face, and some people came to either help or accuse me of some form of wrong-doing. They asked me what to do, but then I returned instantly back to the search for the tooth in the immediate area, lest it sprout legs and run away, never to be seeen again. I muttered something like, 'call an ambulance; I think she's ok' or something to that effect, and then found, to my surprise, the remnants of several of her teeth lying on the dirty stairwell. I collected them all, looked back to ensure she continued to live, and got out my cellphone to do what the others had not.

And I awoke.

What does this tell us about the whereabouts of the next recording session?

Nacho Toof

On a walk back in the park, my son discovered the jawbone from a deer. The rest of the skeleton was (thankfully) not around, so I assume that a coyote had carried the jaw to its resting place, but who knows? OneJr picked up the jawbone and carried it around for the remainder of the day.

Yesterday, he asked me for the pliers. "Why do you need pliers?" I inquired, having forgotten about the deer jaw.

"I just need them," he replied. We eyed each other, and he realized that I was not going to give him pliers without having the opportunity to supervise his activity.

"I need them to pull a tooth," he finally revealed. That doesn't sound good, I thought. Where is his sister? Then, I remembered the deer jaw.

"Do you mean a deer tooth?" I asked. He nodded. I gave him the pliers.

Each night, when Mrs.Ear goes to kiss him goodnight, OneJr. asks her to lie down with him for a few minutes. Not last night. "Not tonight Mom," he said.

She came into our bedroom and described what had occurred. Piecing together the puzzle, we both realized the scheme. It was the tooth.

Sure enough, after he was sleeping, we checked and discovered the deer tooth under his pillow. He was trying to defraud the tooth fairy.

The tooth fairy left him a note but no cash. Nice try son.

"Life is a state of mind"

Do you remember the classic existential movie Being There? Peter Sellers plays a simpleton named Chauncy Gardner who fails to recognize any difference between television broadcasts and reality. Recall his dispute with the muggers who mistake him for a mob kingpin due to his lack of fear. Chauncy patiently tries to use his television remote in order to make the robbers go away as though they were just a bad TV show. Recall also the "I like to watch" episode.

Eventually, Chauncy becomes a powerful and famous political and economic advisor with his comments about gardening work. His gardening advice is taken as metaphoric genius about the state of the economy.

Yesterday, I was reading plans to pile more horseshit onto our national situation, and I thought of old Chauncy. Sure, fertilizer is necessary. A little added fertilizer may be fine at times. However, when the problem is too much fertilizer, you don't pile more horseshit on top of the horseshit you just finished dumping. All that will grow is fungus and flies.

I'm sure this garden will recover eventually, but why not clean it up now and start over. It would be better and healthier sooner. Why are we trying to resuscitate plants which have rotten roots and dead flowers? How long could it possibly take the Wall Street geniuses to create a new banking system if the existing banks were liquidated?

Chauncy was dumb, but he was honest and frank, and he could tend a garden.

Snuff Stress

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Rusta-netics is a division of Rusty Enterprises Ltd Co Inc LLC. All rights are reversed.

Introducing

US Gubmint Espending

Homeless Leprechauns

Yesterday, my family and I went for a hike back in the park near our house. Part of the walk involved climbing up a rock outcropping. Many of you will remember it as the place where I threw up at the last Rusty. It is also where Bunderwear lost his sunglasses 10 years ago. Anyway, it is a fairly steep climb up about 200 feet of elevation. To my 5 year old daughter and 7 year old son, it seemed so remote that at first they suspected that few other people had been up there.

However, on the hike up, they noticed signs of life - odd pieces of trash mainly. "Maybe somebody lives up here," hypothesized EarJr.

My son was the first one to reach the top of the rock, and while we were still climbing up, he peered over the edge and shouted to my daughter excitedly, "Someone does live up here! Come look!" We scrambled up and sure enough, under a rock shelf there was some newspaper and signs of a fire.

My daughter carefully surveyed the clues and then pronounced, "Well, it is either leprechauns or homeless people."

"How can you tell," I wondered aloud.

"Homeless people don't have a home, and leprechauns always create mischief," she explained.

Hard to argue with that logic.

We the People, in order to form a more perfect Nation..

The idea of any of this really makes me feel lazy. Is that what he's talking about? I guess I need to buy a gun? Will someone please explain this to me?

Moraler Dilemma; formerly, TRI-lemma

As some of you may be aware, I have recently changed my abode from the slave quarters beneath the coliseum (behind the lion/tiger litter box, and under the elephant piss-pad--leakage was a constant issue), to a more respectable location. Unfortunately, the neighbor across the alley (a young, attractive--though totally insane--fitness buff) never closes the blinds on her cathedral windows, and never wears a stitch of clothing when she's home. Left, and right, bare boobs, baby chute in graphic view, everything. She stands in the window. On the other side of my place, is a young couple who also have no blinds and have sex regularly on their window sill. And she is stacked--no silicon, which is weird here. Behind me, my neighbor bangs his girlfriend (whom I have met several times) all day long--but, thankfully, she just moved to Atlanta. Sounds like paradise for a Quagmirian pervert such as myself? One might think so, but I haven't left my place for days, and work is starting to call me over and over again to wonder where I am. What do you think I should tell them?

The Definitive History of The Rusty Sessions

OK, help me fill in the blanks:

2008 - Mount Vernon, Wisconsin. OneEar turns 40, DocBok closes the Yellow Bar forever. Amps don't work, fire won't light, Bundespanties leaves early.
2007- Baton Rouge/New Orleans
2006 - Lake Zurich, IL - Dogtrack Rusty
2005- Baton Rouge/New Orleans
2004 - Cape Cod
2003 - Baton Rouge/New Orleans
Boston
Nags Head, North Carolina
Williamsburg VA
Different Cabin in Ohio
Cabin in Ohio
Mount Vernon, Wisconsin
....
Washington DC
1992- Chicago, Illinois. The First Rusty Session.
1991 - Chicago, Illinois. The Pre-Rusty Rusty.

Bunder-clarification Wear, or, 'the effects of alcohol on cerebral function over time'

From the commentary:
"He" responds to nothing. I've never seen "his" genitals, and I'm sticking to that story.


Yeah, just like you don't know how the bear poop and torn fur got in that hotel room, either. Sure.

I think I am forced to aid your historians' addled memory, since that seems to be what you are relying upon. You seem to be mixing your metaphors between the First Rusty, and the Second Rusty. It’s called confabulation, and your kind are known for it. The virgin voyage of the Rusty sessions did not contain Alceste, nor any readily identifiable females of the species. Alceste and Colyp still lived in Spain. Cocoa NoGogo was a pining wad of Irish rejection. When you say "late fall" of 1992, it is somewhat an understatement--it was so "late" in fall, that it was actually the beginning of winter, 1991. I was in my first year of medical school, you were in your first year of law school, and Bundy was trying desperately to be like you. And you were trying desperately to be like me, because I had already finished my first set of exams for the semester and had about 2 weeks to kill over the winter break. You, however, had yet to take your exams, and kept winging about wanting to "do well" on them. Bundy had driven down for the weekend to see me in the world's largest natural seaport, since he needed a break from the law school application process, continued defeat with such, and his grueling life as the page/piss boy at Crowlen, Heffeweisen, Mooring, and Rubenstein (“Wait!” he says. “No RUBENSTEIN”, he says. “Not in THAT firm!”). Don’t you recall the famous call he made—the first and last, as you pointed out—on Monday, saying he was sick and wouldn’t be in? He was completely distraught at having pulled a fast one, and we cheered him on, ignoring his career concerns. It was early a.m. due to the one-hour time difference, and I believe we started drinking sangria as soon as he hung up the phone. He moped for hours and through the entire 15-hour drive back home, and has never completed a Rusty session in satisfactory fashion since.

It was a cheery, yet dark time. We were all a bit disenfranchised with little self-esteem due to our ages and positions in life. The winter solstice was upon us, and I cannot remember seeing the sun at any point after departing. I recall no evidence of daylight during any part of the trip, except as we departed sunny Norfolk, VA. It was about 70 degrees without a cloud in the sky there. Bundy and I had been out drinking the night before with some of my school-mates, and were faced the next morning with no plans for activity and a three-day weekend in front of us. We sat staring at each other in my apartment there, and I said, “Let’s go and see Cocoa. Why don’t we just jump in the car and drive to Chicago? I’ll drive my car.” He laughed and said yeah, right, and we were the right age and percent bored, with no plan, to jump in my starship and head for the sky. Did I mention that the environmental controls on the starship Enterprise were faulty? We had no heat driving to one of the coldest place on Earth, the windy city of Chicago. We had on hats and gloves, and our breath was forming an ice sheet on the inside of the windshield as we journeyed ever farther into the cold, dark night toward Chicago. Jeers from the toll-booth operators bounced off our frozen hides, and we responded deceitfully “nope” when they would ask our blue little faces if our heater was broken. “Nope. Why?”
“Because you can’t open your hand to release the quarter.”
“nope.”
We skirted the bottom of the glacial remains we call the Great (or at least Pretty Good) Lakes, too cold to become drowsy, and anticipating arrival at our friend Cocoa’s house. There weren’t really any cell phones or GPS devices then. Though we were flying in a very sophisticated space vehicle, I have no idea how we found his house. I think I used a map, and I think Bundy lost his navigation privileges after sending us in the wrong direction several times. We arrived about midnight or 1 am, to discover YOU had been contacted and were on your way. The sun did not rise in the morning, as far as I can remember, but I do remember the session as totally acoustic, consisting of two acoustic guitars, a harmonica, and the infamous shark’s teeth. A box of wine was our beverage of choice, in honor of Spain, though as is typical of America, this box was many times bigger than the Spanish boxes, and contained wine many times worse than its foreign counterpart. We were in the front room of the NoGogo palace. There was darkness all around us as we played, broken only by street lights shining through the NoGogo residence windows, and speckled red Xmas lights within the residence. We recorded on cassettes with a fourth-grade cassette deck, with our new-found one-eared recording producer/sheep perched on top, and we were very, very raw. Much like U2 before they became fat, rich, and lazy.

That, my senile old friend, was the First Rusty. We were fantastic, and those interesting young men with enthusiasm and spirit have long since died. Just look at Bundy and his yearly Rusty faux pas, if you don’t believe me.

The year that you described, with Sitnay and the minivan and Dina and the brand new NoGogo apartment with the “landlord” and the sisters arriving for the party (reception of some sort?) and BoBonna and the horse hormones and her ‘rag’-inspired headache and the snow and the rented cabin and YOU as a human sled with your spiffy big army jacket on the winterized golf course, that, my senile older-than-Brett-Favre friend, that was the Second Rusty. For the record.

Bundes-boxers or Bundes-briefs?

Where were we? Ah yes, I was relaying the life history of Clown Squad member and one note guitar soloist Bratwurstundsauerkraut aka Bundeskraut aka Bunderwear aka OneNoteSolo aka Ono.


Upon graduation from a prestigious East Coast school, Bunderwear did something. I can't remember what or why, but I do recall that he did not join Alceste, Coco, DokBok, Colyp and myself during the year(s) 1990-91 which the rest of us spent in Spain. Someone remind me of his excuse. Did he have a girlfriend?

Anyway, that brings us up to 1992. That is when the Clown Squad truly began to gel (like a reduction of animal renderings). The first true Rusty Session was held in the late fall of 1992. Exactly what happened has been lost to historians. There are video archives, but historians are too lazy to try to find them right now, soo historians will just rely upon their memory.

Back to 1992. It is believed that Bunderwear was living in Washington DC at the time. He was either attending or trying to attend law school. Alceste too was living in DC and was either running or trying to run the branch office of a national car rental company. Dok Bok was attending or trying to attend medical school. I believe he was living at the world's largest natural seaport. Coco had returned home to Chicago, and he was either marrying or trying to marry. Your hero and mine was attending his first year of law school in Wisconsin. I was either studying or trying to study for my first semester of law school exams when I received word that The Gang was getting together at Coco's house in Chicago.

In the anals of history, ranking among the all-time bad ideas is the decision of an alcoholic law student to go visit his alcoholic college buddies for a few days of alcoholic drinking and alcoholic music playing during the student's first semester law school exams. To this day, there are still heated discussions about whether this was the dumbest decision of all time. "Napoleon miscalculated by invading Russia," they'll say, "but this law student was really an idiot!" You see, in law school, there are no quizzes or papers or mid-terms. There is one 4 hour exam for each class, and these exams all fall within one 7 or 10 day period. It was during this critical period that I was invited to go galavanting off to Chicago for a few days of debauchery. How could I turn down such an invitation?

Bunderwear, Alceste and DokBok all drove to Chicago from DC. I think they drove one of Alceste's company vans, and I believe they brought with them our friend Sitnay. Sitnay is, how shall we say, the black puma. She doesn't play any musical instruments, so she fit right into the band.

Coco hosted the grand event along with his bride (I think). I may have brought my then-girlfriend along as well, but that doesn't seem right. That would add up to at least 3 women between the 5 of us, and I don't think our ratio has ever been that good. I doubt whether there were any babysitters there either, since none of us yet had any babies.

One noteworthy thing about the first Rusty Session was that, unlike most if not all of the 16 Rusty Sessions since, Bunderwear could not leave early.


More to follow

Old One-Eye

One-eyed filmmaker conceals camera in prosthetic

BRUSSELS - A one-eyed documentary filmmaker is preparing to work with a
video camera concealed inside a prosthetic eye, hoping to secretly record people for a project commenting on the global spread of surveillance cameras.
...

"As a documentary maker, you're trying to make a connection with a person," he says, "and the best way to make a connection is through eye contact."

...
"The closer I get to putting this camera eye in, the more freaked out people are about me," he said, adding people aren't sure they want to hang around someone who might be filming them at any time."

I can sympathize completely. People are often freaked out about me as well.

It occurred to me that an interesting documentary with plenty of eye contact could be made by installing a camera in the prosthetic breast of a stripper. I imagine the nip-cam footage would proceed thusly: Backstage primping in mirror, briefly covered by star shaped object which is then ripped away to reveal 2 or 3 groups of men and a few singles, college boys hooting and holding up dollar bills, footage of the pole, the ceiling, the floor, the college boys, business men nudging one another, violent camera shaking side to side showing angled footage of the businessman's face, the pole, the ceiling, the floor, guy wearing sweat pants and holding out $100 bill, extreme close-up of his face, side to side, up and down, side to side, up and down, the tip of his finger, the palm of his hand, pull away, the pole, the ceiling, the floor, guy reaching for wallet, pulling out $15 for glass of Pepsi, disgruntled look guy's face...

Happy Late Mardi Gras, Welcome to Lent

Here you can see your hero and mine in his standard action-pose, and a man with two in-tact ankles whose future is about to change thanks to a bladder-control problem. And a very, very grumpy "car lover" who was FANATICAL about some piece of crap vehicle he happened to either "own" or "drive" or "both". That guy needed to chill out. Curses, curses.

I gave up Catholicism this year for lent for the second year in a row. Thanks God for Saint Patrick this month. And if you don't find this post entertaining enough, perhaps we can talk the Chancellor into giving us another riveting account of his penny-pinching escapades in the arena of modern technology. I 'regret' delaying my morning bowel movement long enough to read his post and try to figure out what I was missing.

Fetish-Call Autodialer - The Prankocranko 3000X

RE-DO-OVER - ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 3/16/2006
.......

Tired of staying up all night making those late night crank telephone calls? Do wish you could enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you are disturbing innocent people without all of the tedium and effort? Well now you can with the Prankocranko 3000x.

The Prankocranko 3000x uses space age technology to play a cassette tape loop of prerecorded messages to an endless number of recipients. Choose from "the heavy breather," "the cackler," "the foot to the phoner," and, of course, "the Bill O'Reilly."

Your calling list will be compiled from the latest phone records that our researchers have uncovered at local dumpsters and landfills. You will be able to sleep soundly while the Prankocranko 3000X dials through the night, subjecting people who have never caused you any harm to needless harassment.

Don't take our word for it - listen to some testimonials:

"This thing is really creeping me out!"
"Shut that f~ck!ng thang off, I gots ta get up at 4:30."
"Me, I'm wearing white socks with pink tassles. You?"

Order the Spanko attachment, and the Prankocranko 3000x not only makes the obscene phone calls for you, but also it pleasures itself while doing so. Order today, and as an EXTRA BONUS, FREE OF CHARGE, you'll get The Bread-a-pult buttered toast delivery system. No more walking back and forth between the toaster and the breakfast table thousands of times to serve up toast. Just load the Bread-a-pult, set the counter weight, turn the winding crank, lube the pivot, and pull the triggering cord, and there you have it, buttered toast all over the wall.

This Train

What the world needs now is a little Rusty.

Blow, Blow Again

Colyp School of Financial Money - Shoved Farther UPDATE

Colyp's re-emergence from the ethersphere caused me to reflect upon his contributions to the fields of economics and money-stuff. As you all know, Colyp is famous for his intricate system of credit card cash advances whereby a person takes a cash advance from one credit company in order to make his monthly payment to another. I believe he may have won a Noble Prize for his ground-breaking work in this respect. Initially discounted as foolhardy, the Colyp school of financial money has now earned general acceptance as the proper way to finance a society. News reports often lament that the US credit card debt is approx. $1T ($1x10(12th)). With 2.7 x 10(8th) people, this only amounts to less than $4k per person. By contrast, the current national debt is $9.3T and is almost $60T if one includes unfunded Medicaid and Social Security obligations. This would seem unmanageable unless one were to buy into the Colyp school of financial money. Then, it all makes sense.
-------------------------
UPDATE -9/25/2008
The US national debt was around $4Trillion when GeoW took office. Our national debt is now approaching $10Trillion. You personally currently owe about $40,000 in debt plus another $200,000 for Medicaid and Social Security. So does your spouse. So does each of your children. Now the government is asking for and likely to give itself another $3,000 from each of us to buy bonds that nobody else wants to buy. Oh yeah, and they'll need another $4,000 from each of us (oh, what the hell let's make it an even $10,000) to "finish the job" in Iraq.

Any American, such as each of my children, whose net worth is less than $250,000 is insolvent. So, if you're bankrupt, you might as well spend all available funds on a huge party. You're going to default anyway, so why not live it up in the short term.

Colyp, you are a genius.

-----------
Shoved Farther UPDATE 2/16/2009

Congress approves printing $789Billion (who are we kidding, let's just call it $1Trillion) to invest in activities that are, by definition, otherwise unworthy of funding. This is in addition to the $700Billion of TARP from November 2008 and $168Billion in rebates from 2008. The Fed, Treasury, and the FDIC spent $3Trillion and pledged $5.7Trillion more. For those of you keeping score at home, this is about $10Trillion that the government has blown through in the past year and a half!?! For comparison purposes, the total value of all good and services produced for an entire year in the US (GDP) is about $14Trillion.

The purpose of this increase in government expenditures is to "stimulate" someone. How will the US ever repay this debt (on top of the Medicaid and Social Security obligations)? A team of Ivy-league trained unicorns will sprinkle productivity dust on the treasury bonds to transform them into butterflies and they will fly to China and die.

Is anyone else finding it increasingly difficult to send in quarterly estimated income tax payments?

Waste of Time - m4w

Wasting Time - m4w
Date: 2009-02-13, 9:59AM EST
To you who called me "pathetic," I really don't need that kind of sh!t.
To you who left a bar, you are correct, it wasn't in Denver. You and I were the only ones who would have known that. Are your initials TM?
To MEG--ISS, I am the guy who does not shop at Whole Foods. Who are you?
---

Wasting time - w4m (RI)
Date: 2009-02-13, 9:49AM EST
I thought you were talking to me cuz I left a bar once. But I've never been to Denver. --------

who are u
this message was remailed to you via craigslist.org

---

Time Waster - w4m - 33
2009-02-12, 5:43PM EST
You passed some drunk bimbo in a bar in Denver and now
you hope to meet her in Providence. Pretty pathetic doncha think? What is your
deal with Whole Foods?

RE: Waste of Time - w4m -21 m4w

Thank you for your kind-hearted encouragement. I can tell you are truly a warm, caring humanitarian.

I may have passed you when you were leaving the bar. You seem so familiar. Have you ever been to Denver? I'll call you by the initials TM if that makes you feel better. Also, let's just get this out of the way - I don't shop at Whole Foods.

RE: Waste of Time - w4m - 21 Date: 2009-02-11, 7:38PM EST

Just go up and talk to girls you find attractive, Jesus!
You know how many times I've walked out of a store or bar just as a hot guy was
walking in? You could have been that guy, get some sauce in you, and hit the
street, maybe some fine lady will find your assertive attitude attractive.

Waste of Time - m4w
Date: 2009-02-11, 9:38AM EST

I can state unequivocally that this does not work. I posted numerous times and I am still unappreciated and underutilized! Fine. Now you have one less connection to miss. I hope you are satisfied. Good day.

RE: Siren calling me to your cloaca - 28 (RI) - m4w

RE: Siren calling me to your cloaca - 28 (RI)
Date: 2009-01-31, 12:42AM EST

Uhm.... Can we have some initials??

I reached out to you, and I bared my soul. Now, I am done. I have no regrets, except that I regret that I ever mentioned Whole Foods. I don’t shop there, so get over it already.
Is that why you have rejected me? I know you are reading this. Time to crawl back into the slime. I can't grow a new heart like an amphibian grows a new appendage. I can't even grow a new appendage, I don't think, though I've never really tried. Just like you haven't tried. Have you?

OE

Post-retirement Plan

If heaven ain't a lot like Dixie
I don't wanna go
If heaven ain't a lot like Dixie
I'd just as soon stay home
If they don't have a Grand Ole Opry
Like they do in Tennessee
Just send me to hell or New York City
It would be about the same to me

Siren calling me to your cloaca - m4w

Siren calling me to your cloaca,
Lungs and gills in the same slender body
Breathing and sucking.
I lied about shopping at Whole Foods.
I don't shop there,
But I wanted to impress you.
In reality, I’ve only been there once.
We can shop there if you'd like,
But I'll need it explained.
You do drive a silver/gray Jeep,
You little hellbender.
Don’t leave me in the mud.

Colonel Ebirt

I did not know that:

Colonel Ebirt was the unofficial school mascot for The College of William & Mary from 2001—2005. An asexual amorphous green blob that donned a tri-corner hat,
Colonel Ebirt was originally used as a promotional tool for Colonial Williamsburg. It became involved with the College athletics program when someone from the William & Mary gymnastics program volunteered to wear the costume.‘’Ebirt’’ is "Tribe" spelled backwards, and Colonel comes from the school’s historical and geographical ties to Williamsburg, Virginia, specifically that of Colonial Williamsburg.

The athletic department decided to "retire" Ebirt upon the conclusion of the 2005-06 school year. There is current deliberation about what or who, if any, mascot is to replace Ebirt.

RE: Let's Try This Again

I saw your post, but I didn't want to reply. Now I do. (I wrote a poem about a salamander). If your still interested, let me know. Otherwise, no big deal. I don't shop at Whole Foods.

Fate - I was hungry, you were hungry

Fate is an animal – you were at the Whole Foods yesterday. First you went to produce. You got bananas but I couldn’t see what else because my phone rang and the reception is not good in produce. Dreams of a time when we are free to truly love. I saw you again in canned goods. You like tuna (or have a cat). I was intently reading the beets can when you passed by. I didn’t dare look at you, but I kind of blocked your way for a second hoping you would introduce yourself. You didn’t, but that is ok. The fluorescent lighting seemed strangely romantic. Is it always like that or was it my heart gazing through my eyes? You got toilet paper and some other products that I won’t mention from the feminine hygiene aisle. We’ll just keep that between us as our little secret. You got the single serving frozen pizzas. That is when I knew that I was right - this was magic. You drive a newer silver/gray Jeep with an Obama bumper sticker and child car seats. Perhaps you own a daycare. That is alright, I am sure you have a wild side too. Like a wild kitten. I’ll be your dragon-slayer.

I'll let you know what response I get.

Missed Connections

People post "Missed Connections" notes to random other people on Craigslist. eg. Looking for girl I met in Chicago, August 2008 - m4w - 30 (Pasadena) or Beautiful TALL African-American Queen at Trader Joe's 2nite - m4w (Manchester & Sepulveda) In the unlikely event that the other person happens to find the post amongst the millions or perhaps billions of possible webpages, the hope is that the other will be inspired to contact an unknown idiot who just might be the man/woman/transgender of his/her/transgender's dreams.

I know this seems ridiculously futile, but it must be working or else why would so many people be doing it? So, I thought I'd begin my own little "Missed Connections" here at FU. I realize that a person is slightly less likely to find my post here than at Craigslist, but when you are talking about such miniscule odds anyway, what does it matter? This is the same rationale by which, instead of playing the lottery, I spend my money on bottles of beer in hopes that one will contain an accidentally captured mouse.

Tall guy in elevator at Courthouse - Yesterday at Courthouse, elevator going up, you farted. Then, elevator stopped, you exited and others entered and thought it was me. You should post a Missed Connections confession letting them know that it was you and not me who smelled so foul. Also, cut down on the boiled cabbage in your diet.

Diabolos likes Sand. And long, straight pavement.

After a couple of weeks of pure evil and intimidation, dark whispers and booming deep voices, I decided to take the BatMobile to the desert.

It is there that the BatMobile and I have come to a new understanding and level of mutual tolerance.

Change Your Bunderwear

Bratwurstundsauerkraut (fka OneNotesolO) has been complaining in private correspondence about the quality of the posts here at Rusty Never Sleeps - Official Site of the First Unichurck. Recall that he was invited to be a contributor, but, to the best of my recollection, he has failed to post even one item. When we had an election last year for a new FU Chancellor, DorkBok went so far as to rig the voting in B.'s favor. The sword of leadership passed to Bunderwear, but he has yet to take his rightful place seated upon it.


Who is this fellow with such contradictory impulses relating to the success of our mission? Thank you for asking. Thus, we recall the story of Bratwurstundsauerkraut as remembered, inferred, and downright imagined by your hero and mine, me.


Bratwurstundsauerkraut, or Bratty as he was then known, was born a small child and remained that way for several years. He then enrolled at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia in the year of our lord, 1986.


The admissions bureaucrats at William and Mary are not very adept at choosing students of high, or even moderate, moral character or intelligence. Witness the fact that I was admitted, sight unseen, despite the fact that I wore a mullet hairstyle and listened to 80's hard rock and hadn't read a single book assigned to me during my Senior high school year (unless you count Cliff's Notes). Compared to me, B. was Euro-fabulous, and I don't mean that in a good way.


Although admissions personnel obviously lacked the ability to recognize quality students, they were outstanding at recognizing freaks and in quarantining them together at an outpost dormitory on the edge of campus. It was here that I first met Bunderwear where he, DorkBok, and I all lived on the second floor of Hunt Hall. Alceste and Coco were below us.


Hunt Hall was a three floor dorm situated on the edge of campus in unique proximity, we would come to learn, to the Campus Police Station. The first two floor's residents were all males whereas the third floor was all ladies. This situation was contrived to force the first two floors to fight against each other for the affections of the third floor. Since this was in the days prior to situational "reality" shows which manufacture conflict and embarrassment for purposes of mass entertainment, I'm not sure why this little experiment was undertaken. Nonetheless, quite naturally, Bunderwear, DorkBok and I and about 15 others on the "Upper Tier" became natural allies against Alceste, Coco and the "Ground-levelers."


Bunderwear lived in a triple with two other guys - Melonhead and Rice&2BBs Someone Else. Melonhead was called Melonhead because his enormous head had the approximate volume of a large melon. Rice&2BBs was called rice and 2 bee bees for obvious reasons. Someone Else was someone else who I don't remember and don't feel like researching because, presumably, one of the other Clowns will fill in the gaps. These three roommates were the moderates on our floor - relatively athletic but not "athletes;" relatively drunk but not "alcoholics;" relatively studious but not "students." They did entirely cover the walls in their room with stacked empty cans of Busch beer. This was a bold move because we were all under-aged and not permitted by either the law or the College to possess alcohol. Of course, their cans were empty. Theirs being one of the larger rooms, and because they had constructed a sleeping loft, they had a large seating area which was useful to all of us for playing drinking games including quarters, chandeliers, bizz-buzz, asshole, war, name game, shotgun, thumper, and up the river, down the river to name a few (this was before the advent of beer pong). They also had a beer bong that Melonhead constructed and which was freely and unhygienically shared.


Sophomore year, Bunderwear moved with Alceste, Colyp, DorkBok and a couple of other guys out to an off-campus apartment complex together. There were two different apartments, but I can't recall who officially lived with whom because there was a lot of overlap. This was a typical college sophomore guys year filled with pizza boxes, drunken escapades, and the occasional girlfriend.

At some point in time, either freshman or sophomore year, we all began playing the guitar(s). We all wanted to become white kids who could strum 3 or perhaps even 4 chords on an acoustic guitar so that we could WOW chicks with our sensitive yet dangerous nature(s). I had acquired an old acoustic guitar freshman year from my girlfriend. B., as well as one of my roommates, we'll call him WeirdEar, soon followed suit by actually buying or having gifted to them acoustic guitars. We would jam out for hours playing Knockin On Heaven's Door and many other songs that sounded surprisingly similar to Knockin on Heaven's Door.

Recall the trip during Spring Break to Naples, Florida. One of our hallmates, we'll call him AppleBWood, had a family friend who owned a condo in the quiet little town of Naples, Florida. Somehow, AppleB made the mistake of inviting about 10 of us to vacation there with him. WeirdEar, myself, and I'm pretty sure Bunderwear was there, insisted on serenading our group using our newly-acquired guitar skills and our not-acquired singing skills. The first night in Naples, one of the neighbors introduced himself by saying, "Y'all need to knock off that racket. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't keep playing the same damn song." That "same damn song" would later become a hit for none other than Bob Dylan who had recorded it 20 years earlier. And now you know the rest of the story.

I don't recall where Bunderwear lived Junior year, but it may have been at the same place.

(Details fuzzy)

Senior year, however, they got a "Lodge." The Lodges were, and probably still are, the most valuable campus dorm facilities at William and Mary. Somehow, one of the guys befriended someone who had a high lottery number and DorkBok, Alceste, and Bunderwear landed spots at Lodge 5 (now demolished). I can't recall how many people officially lived there, but Coco and I spent at least as much time there as any of them. Coco officially lived in an off-campus shack and I lived at a fraternity house for a fraternity in which I was not a member. However, we often found it more convenient to simply stay where we had passed out which often turned out to be the couch or floor of Lodge 5.


Bunderwear was an unremarkable student. I think he "studied" German and/or history, but don't quote me on that. He did have several books in his room. From my vantage point, I would say he remained steadily moderate in his alcohol and drug use, studies, fornication and other habits. Of course, that is all relative.
....

To be continued

(Don't worry Bunderwear, I'm not going to go into the time that you and that one person did that one thing or the time that you and that other person did not "technically" do that thing but did do that other thing. Some things are better left un-blogged).

Missed Calling

You've probably already seen this montage of Winnebago promotional video out-takes discovered by the Found Footage project, but I ran across it again yesterday, and it always reminds me of Alceste. Please enjoy the Angriest RV Salesman in the World



Vote for your favorite moment:

A) :30 - (can't speak, arms waving)
B) 1:16 - "No more bullshit... if anybody is yelling then the shit is gonna hit the fan."
C) 2:35 - "Get out of here you god damned jack-ass (fly)."

Daddy's Got a New Ride

New Beginnings

I'm taking this blog in a new direction. We need something of more substance - more gravitas - more ingravesco.

So, from now on, we only explore the heavier subjects. No more expositions on heaven, hell, the end of days, or camel toes. No reminders about the amount of spending and borrowing or the concept of indentured servitude.

Now, we get serious.

It is on!

Happy New Year, Clowny Clowns

Missed Apocalypse Day One -- admitting there's a problem

My first clue that I had recently missed the Apocalypse was the realization that all the people around me are assholes. Seriously, I can’t imagine a group of people less deserving of being snatched from a scourged Earth by some giant puffy arms of some giant puffy Jesus than the group of louts that I encounter on a daily basis. Of course this means that I too didn’t make the cut; but really that comes as no surprise. I mean between the things I did to Heather Locklear in the early eighties (things she isn’t even aware of) and my more recent forays into the pleasures of daytime drunkenness and careless abandon, I really wasn’t expecting much. It’s just that as I sit here patiently in the tire store reviewing the blatant overcharges on my bill and watching as rubber tires made via a toxic process are mounted without care on my gas-guzzling car while at the same time my old tires make their way to a landfill where they will remain well after I’m dead; and as I try to avoid the strange seven-year-old boy with a runny nose who is also at the tire store and who thinks that it is fun to follow me around and mimic the things I do; and as I make no attempt to disguise the contempt and downright hatred I hold for this boy and his not-even-close-to-being-hot mother, I can’t help but think that the “End of Days” have passed me by. Oh well, at least we are all in it together.

Constipated Credit Markets

Bloomberg, Nov. 10, 2008
The Federal Reserve is refusing to identify the recipients of almost $2 trillion of emergency loans from American taxpayers or the troubled assets the central bank is accepting as collateral.

Merry Christmas! Now, in addition to an insurance company, some investment banks, and, shortly, three auto manufacturers, you and your grandchildren are major investors in the "Mystery Spot."

Shocking News - Illinois Democratic Political Machine is Corrupt

Who could have seen this coming?

"Blagojevich became the fourth of the past seven governors elected in Illinois to be arrested."

It really is fortunate that Obama managed to rise to the top from out of the Crook County political apparatus without engaging in any of the unlawful practices upon which the machine operates. Just lucky I guess.

Still, I'm glad I voted for Obama. 1) My vote absolved me of all white guilt. 2) The takeover of the Republican Party by the God-nuts is fully underway. McCain's election would have tempered these idiots for awhile, whereas now they are fully unconstrained to self-destruct. 3)We need to stop spending money rebuilding shit-holes. If we need a blow-em-up foreign policy, then lets blow things up. This "You break it you bought it" doesn't fly. If I break it, I just place something over it and make my way toward the exit. You should be thankful I'm shopping there in the first place. 4) I was tired of backing a loser. I haven't voted for the winning Presidential candidate in any election ever. It feels good to be part of something much larger - such as a mob.

For Shame, For Shame

It has often been attested that idol blog editors are gateway enablers for shameless self-promotion. What do you think?

Poor Me Another

Say No to the Auto Bailout
by Daniel J. Mitchell

This article appeared on CNN.com on November 13, 2008.

...

Getting access to taxpayer money would be akin to giving an alcoholic the key to a liquor cabinet. It also would be bad for American taxpayers and the American economy. For instance:

A bailout will hurt the overall economy by misallocating resources. When politicians grant special favors to a certain industry or a particular union, such decisions necessarily mean that market forces are being replaced by special-interest deal-making. This type of interference with free markets is why nations such as France, Germany and Japan tend to grow more slowly and enjoy less prosperity.

But if America goes down this same path of government intervention, it is inevitable that we will suffer the same fate of stagnation and higher unemployment.

A bailout will encourage other industries to seek taxpayer handouts. The Wall Street bailout was a disaster in many ways, most notably as measured by the weak stock market and economic volatility. But another negative aspect of the bailout is that other industries have now decided that it is OK to stick their snouts in the public trough, as well.

First Wall Street's high fliers get a bailout. Now the inefficient management and union at the Big Three want a handout. Who will be next in line to pillage taxpayers? Giving handouts in exchange for political support is akin to getting high. Once politicians decide they like the buzz of campaign contributions, they'll turn into junkies with ordinary Americans footing the bill.

A bailout is a perverse transfer from poor taxpayers to rich taxpayers. America's Founding Fathers surely never envisaged that the federal government would take money from one group of Americans and give it to another group. Yet much of the federal budget is devoted to redistribution programs.
Bailouts are a particularly bizarre form of redistribution, however, because the corporate bureaucrats at the Big Three are among the very richest Americans. The UAW bosses make extravagant salaries, as well, and even regular union workers make an average of approximately $70 per hour, far higher than the average American.

The government should not be in the business of giving unearned wealth to any group of citizens, but surely liberals and conservatives both can agree that politicians should not be taking money from middle class taxpayers and giving it to upper-middle class and rich taxpayers.
...

Does Emerods Mean Hemmorhoids?

1 Samuel 6:3-6 (King James Version);

4Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords.

5Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land.

6Wherefore then do ye harden your hearts, as the Egyptians and Pharaoh hardened their hearts? when he had wrought wonderfully among them, did they not let the people go, and they departed?

In Bread And Wine

Genesis 19:31-35 (King James Version)

31And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

32Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

33And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

34And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

35And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

How Embarrassing

Judges 3:18-25 (English Standard Version);

And when Ehud had finished presenting the tribute, he sent away the people who carried the tribute. But he himself turned back(A) at the idols near Gilgal and said, "I have a secret message for you, O king." And he commanded, "Silence." And all his attendants went out from his presence. And Ehud came to him as he was sitting alone in his cool roof chamber. And Ehud said, "I have a message from God for you." And he arose from his seat. And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out. Then Ehud went out into the porch and closed the doors of the roof chamber behind him and locked them.

When he had gone, the servants came, and when they saw that the doors of the roof chamber were locked, they thought, "Surely he is relieving himself in the closet of the cool chamber." And they waited till they were embarrassed. But when he still did not open the doors of the roof chamber, they took the key and opened them, and there lay their lord dead on the floor.

Drip, Drip, Drip

Proverbs 27:15 (King James Version);

15A continual dropping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

How About a Little Time To Lay It To Heart Before You Start Spreading Dung on Faces

Malachi 2:1-3 (King James Version);

1And now, O ye priests, this commandment is for you.

2If ye will not hear, and if ye will not lay it to heart, to give glory unto my name, saith the LORD of hosts, I will even send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings: yea, I have cursed them already, because ye do not lay it to heart.

3Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.

Sire Me Once, Shame on Me

Proverbs 17:16-24 (English Standard Version);

16Why should a fool have money in his hand to buy wisdom when he has no sense?
17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
18 One who lacks sense gives a pledge and puts up security in the presence of his neighbor.
19 Whoever loves transgression loves strife; he who makes his door high seeks destruction.
20 A man of crooked heart does not discover good, and one with a dishonest tongue falls into calamity.
21 He who sires a fool gets himself sorrow, and the father of a fool has no joy.
22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
23The wicked accepts a bribe in secret to pervert the ways of justice.
24 The discerning sets his face toward wisdom, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.

Dear CoCoa No GoGoa,

Thanks to your perpetually helpful suggestions, I already knew this.

I misuse the rule frequently to get your goat.

Sorry.

Your Pal,

A Prancing Grammarian

You'd Better Say Nay Or I'll Beat Your Ass

Numbers 22:28-30 (King James Version);

28And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?

29And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a
sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.

30And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.

He Was Hungry You F^cking Tree

Matthew 21 (King James Version);

18Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered.

19And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away.

20And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, How soon is the fig tree withered away!

21Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.

Hello?

Will someone please entertain me?

I Said ONE Hundred Foreskins

1 Samuel 18;

24 When Saul's servants told him what David had said, 25 Saul replied, "Say to avid, 'The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.' " Saul's plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines.

26 When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king's son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, 27 David and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.

I have my answer

Thanks God. Racism is now officially over. Whew. A lotta people are gonna have to come up with a new set of excuses.

Dear Rusty

Dear Rusty,

Thank you for not trying to cut off my genitals with the Bible. Maybe we should not try to cook with the Bible, either. You didn't answer my question.

Therefore, today's question will be even tougher: When I'm done peeing, who do I vote for?

Seems like you've been pretty happy with the Bush 43 Presidency, should I follow your lead?

Please guide us, oh-reader-and-recapitulator-of-the-Bible's-finest-wisdom. Now is your moment to shine, and I'm not talking about putting some urine and dung on a rag and wiping things down; I'm talking REALLY shine.

Well?

Your Pal,

"A Concerned Reader"

Mean Cuisine

2 Kings 18:26-28 (King James Version);

27But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to
thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

Dear Rusty

Dear Rusty,

I am peeing in my pants. Who will win the election tomorrow?

Your Pal,

"A Concerned Reader"

(p.s., please give me no advice on genital self- or other- mutilation. I don't want to read anything else on that topic, even if God DID say to do it. According to the Infallible Bible)

Thanks Honey.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (New American Standard Bible);

11"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, 12then you shall cut off her hand; (A)you shall not show pity.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Seed

Genesis 38:8-10 (King James Version);

8And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.

9And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

10And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Those of you with brothers, please advise how you handle this delicate biblical mandate.

Yet Another Reason Not to Cut Off Your Nuts

Deuteronomy 23 ;

1He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not
enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Discuss.

Stick to the tissues

A Shell Game

New Agency Proposed to Oversee Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae
By STEPHEN LABATON
Published New York Times: September 11, 2003

The Bush administration today recommended the most significant regulatory overhaul in the housing finance industry since the savings and loan crisis a decade ago.

Under the plan, disclosed at a Congressional hearing today, a new agency would be created within the Treasury Department to assume supervision of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the government-sponsored companies that are the two largest players in the mortgage lending industry.

The new agency would have the authority, which now rests with Congress, to set one of the two capital-reserve requirements for the companies. It would exercise authority over any new lines of business. And it would determine whether the two are adequately managing the risks of their ballooning portfolios.

The plan is an acknowledgment by the administration that oversight of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- which together have issued more than $1.5 trillion in outstanding debt -- is broken. A report by outside investigators in July concluded that Freddie Mac manipulated its accounting to mislead investors, and critics have said Fannie Mae does not adequately hedge against rising interest rates.

.................
Significant details must still be worked out before Congress can approve a bill. Among the groups denouncing the proposal today were the National Association of Home Builders and Congressional Democrats who fear that tighter regulation of the companies could sharply reduce their commitment to financing low-income and affordable housing.

''These two entities -- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- are not facing any kind of financial crisis,'' said Representative Barney Frank of Massachusetts, the ranking Democrat on the Financial Services Committee. ''The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.''

Representative Melvin L. Watt, Democrat of North Carolina, agreed.

''I don't see much other than a shell game going on here, moving something from one agency to another and in the process weakening the bargaining power of poorer families and their ability to get affordable housing,'' Mr. Watt said.

TGIF

Get Your Rupture Preparation K NOW!

Rusty Enterprises Co. Inc. Limited LLC, a very, very limited liability company (RUE), is making plans to sell Rupture kits in preparation for the end of days.


"The end of space/time can seem intimidating without the proper preparation," stated RUE CCC OneEar. "Although we cannot remove all of the anxiety arising from the inevitable impending destruction of the known universe, we aim to fill these final minutes with pleasant memories."


The RUE limited edition Rupture Kit will contain:

- Commemorative "My Family Went Through Armageddon and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" sleeveless t's.

- 3 bottles of scotch, 1 bottle of gin (Warning: gin should be consumed after completing all activities that you want to remember).

- 1 precocious sheep. Admit it, you've always been curious about trying it.

That's it. A t-shirt, a sheep, and 4 bottles of booze. Paaaartay!

Warning!

Please pass along this email I just received:

*****URGENT WARNING*****

If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.




If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton',do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

Why Does This Guy Keep Popping Up?

HON. RON PAUL OF TEXAS
Before the U.S. House of Representatives

February 15, 2006


The End of Dollar Hegemony

A hundred years ago it was called “dollar diplomacy.” After World War II, and especially after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1989, that policy evolved into “dollar hegemony.” But after all these many years of great success, our dollar dominance is coming to an end.

It has been said, rightly, that he who holds the gold makes the rules. In earlier times it was readily accepted that fair and honest trade required an exchange for something of real value.

....

Even with all the shortcomings of the fiat monetary system, dollar influence thrived. The results seemed beneficial, but gross distortions built into the system remained. And true to form, Washington politicians are only too anxious to solve the problems cropping up with window dressing, while failing to understand and deal with the underlying flawed policy. Protectionism, fixing exchange rates, punitive tariffs, politically motivated sanctions, corporate subsidies, international trade management, price controls, interest rate and wage controls, super-nationalist sentiments, threats of force, and even war are resorted to—all to solve the problems artificially created by deeply flawed monetary and economic systems.

In the short run, the issuer of a fiat reserve currency can accrue great economic benefits. In the long run, it poses a threat to the country issuing the world currency. In this case that’s the United States. As long as foreign countries take our dollars in return for real goods, we come out ahead. This is a benefit many in Congress fail to recognize, as they bash China for maintaining a positive trade balance with us. But this leads to a loss of manufacturing jobs to overseas markets, as we become more dependent on others and less self-sufficient. Foreign countries accumulate our dollars due to their high savings rates, and graciously loan them back to us at low interest rates to finance our excessive consumption.

It sounds like a great deal for everyone, except the time will come when our dollars-- due to their depreciation-- will be received less enthusiastically or even be rejected by foreign countries. That could create a whole new ballgame and force us to pay a price for living beyond our means and our production. The shift in sentiment regarding the dollar has already started, but the worst is yet to come.

The agreement with OPEC in the 1970s to price oil in dollars has provided tremendous artificial strength to the dollar as the preeminent reserve currency. This has created a universal demand for the dollar, and soaks up the huge number of new dollars generated each year. Last year alone M3 increased over $700 billion.

The artificial demand for our dollar, along with our military might, places us in the unique position to “rule” the world without productive work or savings, and without limits on consumer spending or deficits. The problem is, it can’t last.

Price inflation is raising its ugly head, and the NASDAQ bubble-- generated by easy money-- has burst. The housing bubble likewise created is deflating. Gold prices have doubled, and federal spending is out of sight with zero political will to rein it in. The trade deficit last year was over $728 billion. A $2 trillion war is raging, and plans are being laid to expand the war into Iran and possibly Syria. The only restraining force will be the world’s rejection of the dollar. It’s bound to come and create conditions worse than 1979-1980, which required 21% interest rates to correct. But everything possible will be done to protect the dollar in the meantime. We have a shared interest with those who hold our dollars to keep the whole charade going.

Greenspan, in his first speech after leaving the Fed, said that gold prices were up because of concern about terrorism, and not because of monetary concerns or because he created too many dollars during his tenure. Gold has to be discredited and the dollar propped up. Even when the dollar comes under serious attack by market forces, the central banks and the IMF surely will do everything conceivable to soak up the dollars in hope of restoring stability. Eventually they will fail.

Most importantly, the dollar/oil relationship has to be maintained to keep the dollar as a preeminent currency. Any attack on this relationship will be forcefully challenged—as it already has been.

In November 2000 Saddam Hussein demanded Euros for his oil. His arrogance was a threat to the dollar; his lack of any military might was never a threat. At the first cabinet meeting with the new administration in 2001, as reported by Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill, the major topic was how we would get rid of Saddam Hussein-- though there was no evidence whatsoever he posed a threat to us. This deep concern for Saddam Hussein surprised and shocked O’Neill.

It now is common knowledge that the immediate reaction of the administration after 9/11 revolved around how they could connect Saddam Hussein to the attacks, to justify an invasion and overthrow of his government. Even with no evidence of any connection to 9/11, or evidence of weapons of mass destruction, public and congressional support was generated through distortions and flat out misrepresentation of the facts to justify overthrowing Saddam Hussein.

There was no public talk of removing Saddam Hussein because of his attack on the integrity of the dollar as a reserve currency by selling oil in Euros. Many believe this was the real reason for our obsession with Iraq. I doubt it was the only reason, but it may well have played a significant role in our motivation to wage war. Within a very short period after the military victory, all Iraqi oil sales were carried out in dollars. The Euro was abandoned.

In 2001, Venezuela’s ambassador to Russia spoke of Venezuela switching to the Euro for all their oil sales. Within a year there was a coup attempt against Chavez, reportedly with assistance from our CIA.

After these attempts to nudge the Euro toward replacing the dollar as the world’s reserve currency were met with resistance, the sharp fall of the dollar against the Euro was reversed. These events may well have played a significant role in maintaining dollar dominance.

It’s become clear the U.S. administration was sympathetic to those who plotted the overthrow of Chavez, and was embarrassed by its failure. The fact that Chavez was democratically elected had little influence on which side we supported.

Now, a new attempt is being made against the petrodollar system. Iran, another member of the “axis of evil,” has announced her plans to initiate an oil bourse in March of this year. Guess what, the oil sales will be priced Euros, not dollars.

Most Americans forget how our policies have systematically and needlessly antagonized the Iranians over the years. In 1953 the CIA helped overthrow a democratically elected president, Mohammed Mossadeqh, and install the authoritarian Shah, who was friendly to the U.S. The Iranians were still fuming over this when the hostages were seized in 1979. Our alliance with Saddam Hussein in his invasion of Iran in the early 1980s did not help matters, and obviously did not do much for our relationship with Saddam Hussein. The administration announcement in 2001 that Iran was part of the axis of evil didn’t do much to improve the diplomatic relationship between our two countries. Recent threats over nuclear power, while ignoring the fact that they are surrounded by countries with nuclear weapons, doesn’t seem to register with those who continue to provoke Iran. With what most Muslims perceive as our war against Islam, and this recent history, there’s little wonder why Iran might choose to harm America by undermining the dollar. Iran, like Iraq, has zero capability to attack us. But that didn’t stop us from turning Saddam Hussein into a modern day Hitler ready to take over the world. Now Iran, especially since she’s made plans for pricing oil in Euros, has been on the receiving end of a propaganda war not unlike that waged against Iraq before our invasion.

It’s not likely that maintaining dollar supremacy was the only motivating factor for the war against Iraq, nor for agitating against Iran. Though the real reasons for going to war are complex, we now know the reasons given before the war started, like the presence of weapons of mass destruction and Saddam Hussein’s connection to 9/11, were false. The dollar’s importance is obvious, but this does not diminish the influence of the distinct plans laid out years ago by the neo-conservatives to remake the Middle East. Israel’s influence, as well as that of the Christian Zionists, likewise played a role in prosecuting this war. Protecting “our” oil supplies has influenced our Middle East policy for decades.

But the truth is that paying the bills for this aggressive intervention is impossible the old fashioned way, with more taxes, more savings, and more production by the American people. Much of the expense of the Persian Gulf War in 1991 was shouldered by many of our willing allies. That’s not so today. Now, more than ever, the dollar hegemony-- it’s dominance as the world reserve currency-- is required to finance our huge war expenditures. This $2 trillion never-ending war must be paid for, one way or another. Dollar hegemony provides the vehicle to do just that.

For the most part the true victims aren’t aware of how they pay the bills. The license to create money out of thin air allows the bills to be paid through price inflation. American citizens, as well as average citizens of Japan, China, and other countries suffer from price inflation, which represents the “tax” that pays the bills for our military adventures. That is until the fraud is discovered, and the foreign producers decide not to take dollars nor hold them very long in payment for their goods. Everything possible is done to prevent the fraud of the monetary system from being exposed to the masses who suffer from it. If oil markets replace dollars with Euros, it would in time curtail our ability to continue to print, without restraint, the world’s reserve currency.

It is an unbelievable benefit to us to import valuable goods and export depreciating dollars. The exporting countries have become addicted to our purchases for their economic growth. This dependency makes them allies in continuing the fraud, and their participation keeps the dollar’s value artificially high. If this system were workable long term, American citizens would never have to work again. We too could enjoy “bread and circuses” just as the Romans did, but their gold finally ran out and the inability of Rome to continue to plunder conquered nations brought an end to her empire.

The same thing will happen to us if we don’t change our ways. Though we don’t occupy foreign countries to directly plunder, we nevertheless have spread our troops across 130 nations of the world. Our intense effort to spread our power in the oil-rich Middle East is not a coincidence. But unlike the old days, we don’t declare direct ownership of the natural resources-- we just insist that we can buy what we want and pay for it with our paper money. Any country that challenges our authority does so at great risk.

Once again Congress has bought into the war propaganda against Iran, just as it did against Iraq. Arguments are now made for attacking Iran economically, and militarily if necessary. These arguments are all based on the same false reasons given for the ill-fated and costly occupation of Iraq.

Our whole economic system depends on continuing the current monetary arrangement, which means recycling the dollar is crucial. Currently, we borrow over $700 billion every year from our gracious benefactors, who work hard and take our paper for their goods. Then we borrow all the money we need to secure the empire (DOD budget $450 billion) plus more. The military might we enjoy becomes the “backing” of our currency. There are no other countries that can challenge our military superiority, and therefore they have little choice but to accept the dollars we declare are today’s “gold.” This is why countries that challenge the system-- like Iraq, Iran and Venezuela-- become targets of our plans for regime change.

Ironically, dollar superiority depends on our strong military, and our strong military depends on the dollar. As long as foreign recipients take our dollars for real goods and are willing to finance our extravagant consumption and militarism, the status quo will continue regardless of how huge our foreign debt and current account deficit become.

But real threats come from our political adversaries who are incapable of confronting us militarily, yet are not bashful about confronting us economically. That’s why we see the new challenge from Iran being taken so seriously. The urgent arguments about Iran posing a military threat to the security of the United States are no more plausible than the false charges levied against Iraq. Yet there is no effort to resist this march to confrontation by those who grandstand for political reasons against the Iraq war.

It seems that the people and Congress are easily persuaded by the jingoism of the preemptive war promoters. It’s only after the cost in human life and dollars are tallied up that the people object to unwise militarism.

The strange thing is that the failure in Iraq is now apparent to a large majority of American people, yet they and Congress are acquiescing to the call for a needless and dangerous confrontation with Iran.

But then again, our failure to find Osama bin Laden and destroy his network did not dissuade us from taking on the Iraqis in a war totally unrelated to 9/11.

Concern for pricing oil only in dollars helps explain our willingness to drop everything and teach Saddam Hussein a lesson for his defiance in demanding Euros for oil.

And once again there’s this urgent call for sanctions and threats of force against Iran at the precise time Iran is opening a new oil exchange with all transactions in Euros.

Using force to compel people to accept money without real value can only work in the short run. It ultimately leads to economic dislocation, both domestic and international, and always ends with a price to be paid.

The economic law that honest exchange demands only things of real value as currency cannot be repealed. The chaos that one day will ensue from our 35-year experiment with worldwide fiat money will require a return to money of real value. We will know that day is approaching when oil-producing countries demand gold, or its equivalent, for their oil rather than dollars or Euros. The sooner the better.