Saturday, January 17, 2009

Change Your Bunderwear

Bratwurstundsauerkraut (fka OneNotesolO) has been complaining in private correspondence about the quality of the posts here at Rusty Never Sleeps - Official Site of the First Unichurck. Recall that he was invited to be a contributor, but, to the best of my recollection, he has failed to post even one item. When we had an election last year for a new FU Chancellor, DorkBok went so far as to rig the voting in B.'s favor. The sword of leadership passed to Bunderwear, but he has yet to take his rightful place seated upon it.

Who is this fellow with such contradictory impulses relating to the success of our mission? Thank you for asking. Thus, we recall the story of Bratwurstundsauerkraut as remembered, inferred, and downright imagined by your hero and mine, me.

Bratwurstundsauerkraut, or Bratty as he was then known, was born a small child and remained that way for several years. He then enrolled at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia in the year of our lord, 1986.

The admissions bureaucrats at William and Mary are not very adept at choosing students of high, or even moderate, moral character or intelligence. Witness the fact that I was admitted, sight unseen, despite the fact that I wore a mullet hairstyle and listened to 80's hard rock and hadn't read a single book assigned to me during my Senior high school year (unless you count Cliff's Notes). Compared to me, B. was Euro-fabulous, and I don't mean that in a good way.

Although admissions personnel obviously lacked the ability to recognize quality students, they were outstanding at recognizing freaks and in quarantining them together at an outpost dormitory on the edge of campus. It was here that I first met Bunderwear where he, DorkBok, and I all lived on the second floor of Hunt Hall. Alceste and Coco were below us.

Hunt Hall was a three floor dorm situated on the edge of campus in unique proximity, we would come to learn, to the Campus Police Station. The first two floor's residents were all males whereas the third floor was all ladies. This situation was contrived to force the first two floors to fight against each other for the affections of the third floor. Since this was in the days prior to situational "reality" shows which manufacture conflict and embarrassment for purposes of mass entertainment, I'm not sure why this little experiment was undertaken. Nonetheless, quite naturally, Bunderwear, DorkBok and I and about 15 others on the "Upper Tier" became natural allies against Alceste, Coco and the "Ground-levelers."

Bunderwear lived in a triple with two other guys - Melonhead and Rice&2BBs Someone Else. Melonhead was called Melonhead because his enormous head had the approximate volume of a large melon. Rice&2BBs was called rice and 2 bee bees for obvious reasons. Someone Else was someone else who I don't remember and don't feel like researching because, presumably, one of the other Clowns will fill in the gaps. These three roommates were the moderates on our floor - relatively athletic but not "athletes;" relatively drunk but not "alcoholics;" relatively studious but not "students." They did entirely cover the walls in their room with stacked empty cans of Busch beer. This was a bold move because we were all under-aged and not permitted by either the law or the College to possess alcohol. Of course, their cans were empty. Theirs being one of the larger rooms, and because they had constructed a sleeping loft, they had a large seating area which was useful to all of us for playing drinking games including quarters, chandeliers, bizz-buzz, asshole, war, name game, shotgun, thumper, and up the river, down the river to name a few (this was before the advent of beer pong). They also had a beer bong that Melonhead constructed and which was freely and unhygienically shared.

Sophomore year, Bunderwear moved with Alceste, Colyp, DorkBok and a couple of other guys out to an off-campus apartment complex together. There were two different apartments, but I can't recall who officially lived with whom because there was a lot of overlap. This was a typical college sophomore guys year filled with pizza boxes, drunken escapades, and the occasional girlfriend.

At some point in time, either freshman or sophomore year, we all began playing the guitar(s). We all wanted to become white kids who could strum 3 or perhaps even 4 chords on an acoustic guitar so that we could WOW chicks with our sensitive yet dangerous nature(s). I had acquired an old acoustic guitar freshman year from my girlfriend. B., as well as one of my roommates, we'll call him WeirdEar, soon followed suit by actually buying or having gifted to them acoustic guitars. We would jam out for hours playing Knockin On Heaven's Door and many other songs that sounded surprisingly similar to Knockin on Heaven's Door.

Recall the trip during Spring Break to Naples, Florida. One of our hallmates, we'll call him AppleBWood, had a family friend who owned a condo in the quiet little town of Naples, Florida. Somehow, AppleB made the mistake of inviting about 10 of us to vacation there with him. WeirdEar, myself, and I'm pretty sure Bunderwear was there, insisted on serenading our group using our newly-acquired guitar skills and our not-acquired singing skills. The first night in Naples, one of the neighbors introduced himself by saying, "Y'all need to knock off that racket. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't keep playing the same damn song." That "same damn song" would later become a hit for none other than Bob Dylan who had recorded it 20 years earlier. And now you know the rest of the story.

I don't recall where Bunderwear lived Junior year, but it may have been at the same place.

(Details fuzzy)

Senior year, however, they got a "Lodge." The Lodges were, and probably still are, the most valuable campus dorm facilities at William and Mary. Somehow, one of the guys befriended someone who had a high lottery number and DorkBok, Alceste, and Bunderwear landed spots at Lodge 5 (now demolished). I can't recall how many people officially lived there, but Coco and I spent at least as much time there as any of them. Coco officially lived in an off-campus shack and I lived at a fraternity house for a fraternity in which I was not a member. However, we often found it more convenient to simply stay where we had passed out which often turned out to be the couch or floor of Lodge 5.

Bunderwear was an unremarkable student. I think he "studied" German and/or history, but don't quote me on that. He did have several books in his room. From my vantage point, I would say he remained steadily moderate in his alcohol and drug use, studies, fornication and other habits. Of course, that is all relative.

To be continued

(Don't worry Bunderwear, I'm not going to go into the time that you and that one person did that one thing or the time that you and that other person did not "technically" do that thing but did do that other thing. Some things are better left un-blogged).


Anonymous said...

Hi OneEar,
Thanks for reposting your litany regarding the Founding Fathers of the First Unichurck, although Bunderwear probably isn’t too thrilled about seeing it again.


Doc Bok said...

Well, Bunderwear's White Guilt should be well-sated today.