Secretary Needed

My assistant has submitted her notice of resignation due to a difference of opinion between us about the answer to the question, "Who is a prick?" Qualified candidates interested in an exciting opportunity in a growing field are encouraged to submit resumes with references, salary expectations, saliva, hair, tissue and blood samples, and a photograph.

Minimum qualifications include:

• Ability to type several words per minute.
• Telekinetic aptitude.
• Aversion to clothing.
• Affinity for gerbils.
• Must like to play "precocious schoolgirl," "naughty nurse," and "dead senator."
• Should be a "people person, " although a qualified "sheep person" may be considered.
• Interest in our business also useful.

This position is open to all in compliance with Federal and State equal employment statutes, and candidates will be considered fairly and equally regardless of race, creed or gender or whether they have large hoohaas.

Code Rojo - Honorary Clown Down

It seems as though Charlie may be in trouble.

http://charliecallahan.blogspot.com/2006/02/time-out.html

One Got Fat

Remember the child safety movie with the monkey kids? It was called, "One Got Fat," and it is available for your viewing pleasure. Thanks to Sven for providing the legwork in locating this forgotten gem. It takes a while to download or to stream , but it is worth the wait.

Get Your Abu Gogo COLLECTOR'S Sticker (Oval)

NOW AVAILABLE!!!!!!!

Abu Gogo COLLECTOR'S Sticker (Oval)


Climb on board the latest and, to date, greatest bandwagon in the USofA. The Abu Gogo craze!

Call me patriotic, but I say that these United States of America have produced some of the most wonderful product concepts known to man. Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Chia? Well, here is another product that is certified to be no less ridiculous!!!

Don't be the last one of your friends (you are one of your friends, aren't you?) to conform. As I have said many times,10,000 lemmings can't be wrong. Order yours today.

ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

**Offer not valid in Arkansas or anywhere else with 0% literacy. Offer subject to availability and producer cannot take responsibility for acts of God.

Home Riot Program Undergoes Name Change

You may recall that I recently expressed the sentiment, "If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up!? (original post) I then revealed my new Home Rioting program which was referred to as DI_ (fill in the blank with a Y).

Well, it turns out that a certain three letters of the alphabet constitute a trademarked trademark. We all learned how complicated intellectual property law can be during Coco's unsuccesful efforts to trademark water. You can pick your battles, as they say, but you can't pick your friend's nose. Having said that, the program will be renamed. Yes, I am caving in to the bowers that pee. But I will make lemonade out of this piss.

We now offer exclusive franchising opportunities in "Cozy Expressions Home Rioting." This is more of a pyramid system than a Ponzi scheme, although it does contain the benefits of both. We promise you will never have to work a day in your life again. You'll spend your leisure time trashing your living room and trying to cajole your friends and loved ones into joining. What could be better? And you can Do It ALL Yourself.

Test of Advance Warning About RupturE broadcast system

Rustianist officials have announced that they will be conducting a test of the AWARE rupture warning system. People, (one), have been worried that the Rupture might have occurred unbeknownst to them (him). Fear not!

The AWARE broadcast system has been implemented to preclude just such an occurrence. Each subscriber will receive a specially coded email message indicating the following details: 1) Whether the Rupture is upon us, and 2) How many minutes until we all perish. From this information, subscribers can make an informed decision about whether to attempt one last sexual encounter or to simply opt for a quick visit to some porn sites for a masturbation session. In the worst case scenario, subscribers will simply receive the old chestnut of a sentiment, "bend over and kiss your ass goodbye."

The AWARE system will be tested beginning tomorrow at 6:45 am and running for the next 94 days. It is the sincere hope of everyone at Rusty Enterprises that the actual Rupture does not occur during testing, because that will screw everything up.



Testes, testes, is this thing working? Guilfoyle.

Rustianist Manifesto

Workers of the world unite!


A spectre is haunting the physical world -- the spectre of Rustianism. All the powers of old corporality have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spirit: Bush and Coca-Cola, Wal-Mart and Martha Stewart. Why are the powerful so vehemently opposed to unbridled Rustiosity? We must ask ourselves, where is the party? Where is the bean dip?





What shall come to pass?

• Abolition of primate property. All privates shall be public.
• Progresso income tax. Anyone earning soup income incurs a hearty, man-sized tax.
• Repeal of the death tax repeal.
• Nationalization of the means of reproduction. All sperm emitters employed by the federal government.
• Destruction of the middling class.
• Free love (or at least 2 for 1).

This is not one choice of many, and it cannot be denied; It is a historical imperative, a dialectic that cannot be undialecticified, a conclusion that is foregone. This has already happened, although in a future time. Prepare yourselves for a new age!

Details will follow in the forthcoming das Krapital.

Rusty Launches TRIPE Voice Over Internet To God

His Highness, Rusty, leader of the newly renamed First Unification Church of Knowledge, (formerly the First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples) has announced The True Church's entree into the direct-line-to-God business. "We see this as an explosive business sector with disproportionately elevated growth opportunities and stuff, " said Rusty via his chief spokesman OneEar. "This venture provides synergistic synergies with our primary metaphysical endeavors."

The protocol is known as TRIPE, which is an acronymn for Totally Righteous Internet Phoning Etc. The TRIPE system provides free voice calls and instant messaging between a user and the Lord. TRIPE calls are encrypted using complicated equipment involving a colander, some aluminum foil, and a light coating of salmon oil. However, unlike other telephonic protocols, TRIPE provides a direct blowhorn to the ear of God. (Encryption is used so that prayers cannot be intercepted by government agencies or unauthorized deities).

TRIPE is named after tripe, the delectable, gelatinous muscular lining of a cow's stomach (sheep should never be slaughtered for this or any other purpose). Of course, there are four different types of tripe - the gras double or fat part of the cow's first belly, the light and dark sections of the second stomach, and the partial honeycomb at the extreme end.

Likewise, the TRIPE system offers 4 different calling plans - "fatty," "lighty," "darky," and "the ass." Worshippers can choose the calling plan that best suits their prayer preferences.

"I have seen the future," said Rusty through his spokesman OneEar, "and it is TRIPE for all!"





*** Past performance in prayer answering is no guarantee of future results. TRIPE should not be used by the dyspeptic or goutish. Worshippers suffering from messiah complex should not use TRIPE without first consulting with themselves. TRIPE should not be used while operating a motor vehicle or a beast of burden. The manufacturers of TRIPE take no responsibility for anything whatsoever under any circumstances, conceivable or otherwise. TRIPE is a valuable registered trademark and infringement will be prosecuted to the fullest extent allowable by the laws of man and God.

Wing Sings Elvis

Why can't you guys make a record like this?



In the Ghetto

Onward Rustian Soldiers

Win, lose, or draw, the old saying goes. My fellow Rustians, draw we shall!

As feared, the Cartoon Crusades are showing no signs of erasure, and those on the front lines are, in fact, lines - lines making up cartoon drawings, that is. How bad has it gotten? Consider that protesters in Tehran, threw firebombs at the French Embassy and shattered all of the windows. "Down! Down with France!" the crowd chanted. They do have a point there.

But other protesters have been much less sensible in their fire-bombings. Today, for example, some infidel flipped me the bird just because I turned left directly in front of him from the far right lane without signalling. Talk about religious insensitivity! The caricatures of Rusty with a bomb-shaped sausage being sodomized by a bomb-shaped pickle are also offensive. Not only that, they violate our trademarks and licensing agreements which clearly state, "No image shall be constructed wherein the registered deity is sodomized by any bomb-shaped object." We're working on obtaining an injunction.

In the meanwhile, our cartoon counter-offensive has shown tremendous success. We are attempting to depict Rusty as the vibrant, loveable, eternal, omnipotent, cool sheep that he is. Our strategy is to appeal to the youth - youth are the future. We have developed "HolySheep!" baby rattles and spit-up rags to add to our "Baaaa if you love Rusty" line of products. See Rusty bib and Rusty thong at ORDER your Rusty merchandise HERE

A Call To Arms - And the Other Body Parts Too

"Why are we running from this fight? Nothing good comes of those who wait. Let's assemble our team and see where this leads.

If prospective disciples could indicate any special Rupture competition skills they possess, this may speed up the membership paperwork. (Also, please indicate planned dish for passing)."

Cardinal cocoa_no_gogo.

Newly Annointed Bishop Busty Foxxx Opens Sonoma Desert Branch

The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has expanded Westward and Downward with the addition of its Sonoma Desert branch founded by newly annointed Bishop Busty Foxxx. See Holy Book of Levitations

Bishop Foxxx will oversee construction, destruction, reconstruction and deconstruction activities for the new facilities. Facilities will include a training ground for cartoonists in preparation for the rapidly escalating Cartoon Crusades. Unfortunately, the project is running over budget, so The Church will need to expand fundraising efforts. Whatever you were giving before, they are asking that you double it.

Church leader Russell Lobuna, speaking through his chief spokesman OneEar, indicates that expansion plans are expanding according to plan. "We expect great things out of Busty, Rusty would like to say," said OneEar (me). "Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books."

Church Under Attack

The gauntlet has been dropped, dear followers, and the True Church is under attack. The latest barrage of assault comes in the form of cartoons. Yes, cartoons, for God’s sake. This is no Beetle Bailey cartoon attack, this is pure Hagar the Horrible.

If they don’t stop depicting us as a bunch of crazed, violent fanatics, I am going to blow something up! First, we had to suffer through attacks by Hollywood and the secular media – “Rusty, Rusty Superstar,” and “The Last Temptation of Rusty,” to name just a few (actually, a couple). Just because a few bishops may have gotten a little too cozy with a few lambs doesn’t give anyone the right to label us “Sheepf^ck$rs.”

Enough is enough (contrary to what I wrote in my famous treatise “Is Enough Really Enough?”). Now is time for countermeasures, and the most productive response I can think of is a riot. Because many of us have real lives as well, it is unrealistic to try to get all followers together for a traditional riot.

Instead, I have devised a revolutionary new concept in rioting – The DIY Home Riot. On Saturday at 2:44am (just after bar time), we will all simultaneously trash our own living rooms in a powerful united show of force. Please RSVP your availability to riot so that we can get a rough head count.

Moment of Reflection - What Becomes the Clown Squad?

Consider:

Is the Salmon Boy concept truly integrated? He is both a Boston lawyer who wears pantyhose on his head and nervously cups his balls through his pants pocket AND a wacked out West Coast environmentalist who loves oxygen. Why is he the main character in a rock opera about commercialism?

Is the Erik character believable? He is somehow related to the AbuGogo, but he looks like Rasputin due to the goats’ asses on his face. Are these inconsistent? Is it possible that anyone, even a half-human, could sing that badly? Will he get laid? How do the zombies fit into this picture? How about the cheerleaders?

What are the ramifications if the Wookie is a leaker?

Do all dogs enjoy pig's heads? What about the pig people?

What rank is Allen? Why is he so angry? What makes the car go?

Will Mike ever get his camera back? How about his head?

When seated before Santa Claus on judgment day, will we believe? Does Charlie believe?

What becomes the The Clown Squad?

Rupture Postponement Pending Membership Initiative

The forthcoming end of the World, colloquially known as "The Rupture" will need to be postponed while we complete ongoing membership enhancement efforts. The First Reconciliation Church of the New Unification of OneEar's Good and Gloriful Holy Occity Disciples has begun its Spring membership drive, and members are encouraged to bring a guest and a dish to pass.

All expendable prayer requests should be used for our efforts to convince the Lord to postpone The Rupture. Prayers for otherwise worthwhile causes, such as racial harmony, world peace, or particular sporting teams, should be deferred for the time-being in favor of pleas for Rupture postponement. We really need much more time for proselytizing and book sales. Try not to get corn-holed into requesting a particular date. Just say, “we humbly ask Thee, in all Thy graciousness and occity, for an extension.” Remember, the first person to state a number loses the negotiation. If you find yourself in a bind, just say, “I’ll get back to you.”

Now, let’s get out there, grow the True Church, save the world, and sell some books.

FOR THOSE WITH GAME FARM RESERVATIONS - Please see Rupture Rebate Policy

Inventions needed

I have decided to resume my practice as an inventor. All I need is one or two good ideas.

Does anyone have any good ideas for things that need to be invented?

Long Live UB313 - Down with Pluto

Pluto is a piece of crap! UB313 (Xena) is 700km larger in diameter, has a moon, and a certain je ne sais que. I say, when you cast your vote at the IAU meeting in August, you cast it for UB 313 as the NINTH planet! Pluto is a poser! I'm not even going to make a Uranus joke, because I am so confident in my position about Xena vis-a vis Pluto.

Tenth planet, my ass! The Bible says that the solar system has 9 planets. I don't know what kind of vood00 crystal worshipping you are wrapped up with, but get over it. Otherwise, have fun in your ten planet fantasy universe, Pluto-lover.

Bush Declares War on Goat-boys, Pig People

In his state of the union address tonight, President Bush declared open season on our own beloved goat-boy and the pig people project overseen by Captain Allen.

• "A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners, and that recognize the matchless value of every life. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research — human cloning in all its forms ... creating or implanting embryos for experiments ... creating human-animal hybrids ... and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator — and that gift should never be discarded, devalued, or put up for sale."

Obviously, the President faces a stiff uphill battle in Congress. He will face off against the powerful cross-breeders lobby and other dominant chimera-related special interests. It appears that the President is truly out of touch with the general will of the Amercian people on this one.

GET YOUR RUSTY AND THE PIG PEOPLE "SO SAD" T=SHIRT

der Rustige?

I fear that I have intimidated the skittish participants and silenced the clownchatter through my public postings of their innermost correspondence. My apologies.