No Gold In Rule

The First UniChurck has long subscribed to the so-called Golden Rule. "Do Unto Others," it is said, "as you would have others do unto you." It is time to reconsider.

Let's suppose, for the sake of argument, that I would have others dress up like characters from Sesame Street and urinate unto my chest. Do you see how this golden rule breaks down?

Just yesterday, I was wearing my Prairie Dawn outfit, and I saw my neighbor watering her plants. Thinking quickly about religion, I ran across the street and pissed on her. Do you think she had the decency to thank me? Apparently she belongs to a different church as do several members of our local law enforcement agency.

So, I have put in a request to Rusty that we amend this rule to read: "Do not piss unto thy neighbor whilst wearing a PBS-related costume." If only we could all live by this simple rule, the world would be a better place.

The Sick Scents Script- Including Salmon Boy

You Clowns also need to learn your lines. Obviously, we'd like to shoot this in one take.

der Rustige (modified) = Rusty on the Bayou INTRO

Those Were The Days - Take 1

Teste Teste

Those Were the Days

I remember back when I was employed, there was this time when my boss was lecturing me about some stupid thing or another, and he said unto me, and I quote, “think outside the box.”

“Think outside the box,” I thought to myself. “I didn’t even know there was a g0d@mned box.” “He dictates idiotic memos about every other piece of feces excreted by his brain, why didn’t he send me the f^ck!ng `box’ memo?”

Fearing the reception such comments might receive, I opted to mutter, “Yus, Mastah, outside the box, Mastah.” Apparently, this was not the response Mastah hoped to receive, either. And so we agreed that he would keep his company and I would keep mine.

I have heard “think outside the box” stated several times since, and I still have no idea what it means. Is there some box that I’m not aware of? Where is this f^ck!ng box?

Of course, now that I’m an employer, I’ve come full circle. When the staff is lined up for morning inspection, part of my daily diatribe includes a directive for them to “think outside the box.” Then, I watch their eyes in hopes that they will glance toward the box and reveal its location. When they don’t, I storm off in a huff muttering, “Don’t you dare call me Mastah, inside-the-box thinkers!”

Virtual Friends Nice - Real Friends Bunch of Assholes

I have tried to be nice to The Clowns. I really have tried. But I can't help but notice the difference between the warm comfort and support received from my virtual friends and the cold ridicule and criticism received from my live friends. I guess real people are, by nature, dickheads.

TRIPE Teddybear Available in Time for Easter

Rusty Enterprises has reintroduced its popular TRIPE Teddybear just in time for the Easter Holidays.

Many have complained, and rightly so, that a large egg-hiding rabbit really has nothing to do with a religious holiday. But the TRIPE voice-over-internet to God system is a holy device, rendering the TRIPE Teddy a holy bear.

ORDER yours Now!!!





For the TRIPE Teddy Bear Surveilance Camera, you will need to buy the Rusty Bear and the Surveillance Camera Bear, cut a small hole in the Rusty Bear shirt and then place the Rusty Bear shirt on the surveillance bear. You can then dispose of the Rusty Bear.

Just Another Manic Maundy

As you may know, Maundy Thursday is the Thursday before Easter. It is significant in Christian mythology because it represents the day on which the Last Supper is said to have occurred. The Last Supper is a famous fresco painting in Milan. If you have read The DaVinci Code, which I have not, you are able to deduce something important from the painting. I am not. And so, we celebrate.

There are countless acceptable options for Manic Maundy celebrations.

1. Progressive Last Supper - Each couple hosts for 20 minutes a meal which moves between 6 households. This works best with people who live in the same State and is an entertaining way to have dinner with all of the crucifixin's.
2. Euchre-wrist tournament - Set up tables of 4 for a "winner takes all, loser wears a crown of thorns" tournament. Teams alternate between playing euchre and arm wrestling in a round-robin fashion until there is a clear winner and a clear loser. Then, the fun begins.
3. Blood-of-savior belly shots. Drink your favorite fortified wine from the navels of other guests.
4. Stone Judas. This one is probably self-explanatory. In light of the Gospel of Judas, released last week by National Geographic, "Stone Barnabas" can be substituted for "Stone Judas."
5. Save passover lambs. Friends and family gather to protest the senseless and ongoing slaughter of the noble, humble and peaceful sheep. Use creative protest signs with slogans such as, "Why not kill the stupid goat?" and "Yeah, get the goat."

Feel free to leave personal stories about how your family celebrates Manic Maundy.

• Like Tiger Woods, we would like to take this opportunity to apologize for using the term "manic." We mean no disrepect to manics, maniacs, or other crazies. They deserve our respect just like normal people, and, when properly medicated, they can be very pleasant.

Goat Testicles A Big Hit

As most of you know, I was, in a previous life, affectionately called "The Idiot Chef." With recipies ranging from Sloppy Slop to Thumb Stew, my legacy will forever live on in the Food Hall of Famousness. But, I must admit that I cannot take credit for the latest culinary craze - Goat Testicles.

GOAT TESTICLES

Ingredients:
-2 or more goat testicles
-2 small chopped onions
-4 chilli peppers
-1 celery-
-4 potatoes
- margarine or butter
-200 gr of Brussels sprouts
Recipe:
Cook the goat balls in salted water.
Pour off the water and simmer the testicles together with the margarine, onions,
peppers, sprouts, and celery. Boil the potatoes separately and squash them with
a bit of margarine. Serve warm.

Goat Balls yum, yum.

OneEar Rescues First Unichurck From Hell

"When hell freezes over!!!" was the verdict handed down by the supreme and gracious God, Rusty. Rusty and I were reviewing my Form 10742- Application (Revised) for Reconsideration on Banishment to Gehenna - Short Form. Little did He know, I had read my Dante.

As an aside, you will find when debating Him that He does very little research any more. He has gotten intellectually lazy over the years, and you can sometimes surprise Him with concepts developed during the last 800 years.

"Excuse me, your wholliness," I said with just the right degree of deference to disguise my sarcasm. "As I recall the Inferno, Cocytus, the ninth and lowest circle of Hell is, in fact, a frozen lake." "Unless you are willing to call Dante a fiction writer, Hell has - frozen over."

Another helpful hint when debating an all-powerful being - don't get him angry. Judging by the flames coming out each of Rusty's orifices, I could tell that I was in danger of violating my own advice on this point. I had to think quickly or else yours truly was going to suffer a good old-fashioned smiting.

"Of course," I quickly interjected, "you in all of your wisdom and occity already knew this. You were testing us. Yeah, you were just testing us." He stopped mid-smite.

I continued, "You sure do move in mysterious ways," I said, "and I mean mysterious in a good way, not like you're some kind of a freak." I knew from the almost imperceptible puff of his chest that He was buying it.

I just had to close the deal - get him to ask me for the sale. "Just give us a sign of how we should honor you in order to guarantee our release from eternal damnation," I begged. He sat silently for several years. Then, the following ceremony was revealed by Ms. Pineapple:


Little Johnie Walker
Get in a big circle and say: "Little Johnny Walker walking down the street-didn't know what to do so he stopped in front of me. He said, "hey girl shake your thing, shake your thing, stop! hey girl shake your thing, shake your thing, stop!"

To start you just have one person skipping around the circle and when they get to the "hey girl shake your thing" part they stop infront of whoever they're closest to and both people do this little dance thing, it's hard to explain... but it's kind of like putting your arms in a broken T but diagonal, and just dancing around in place and shakin your stuff :D and then once the chant starts over again the original person keeps skipping and the person they danced with starts skipping to. Or sometimes if you just skipped around you can just take the spot of whoever you danced with. And it just keeps going for as long as you want!

He is Risen!

Escatologically speaking, we are fucked! The Rupture is upon us, the end times are ending, and the high times have begun.

How do we know The Rupture is upon us? Look at the teabags, my friend.

#1 - Rusty is here.
#2 - The cartoon battles are in full force.
#3 - Seven Tempos have blown seven horns while waiting for seven ducklings to cross Ronald Reagan Boulevard (which used to be Seventh Street).

"Hosanna," you're probably saying to yourself, "the great tribulation is over and God's defeat of evil is nigh." You are understandably enthusiastic about what this means for you and yourn. Not so fast my friends. I am afraid I must bear some bad news.

Granted, most Western monotheistic faiths hold that true believers will be spared God's wrath on judgment day and will instead enter the kingdom of heaven. Due to some unfortunate missteps during planning sessions and some ill-advised focus groups, our faith never adopted a heaven myth. We had every intention of creating a paradise/end of time scenario, but we just did not get around to it. We were very busy constructing our paradise-like vacation land which can be rented by the day or by the week. Paradise proper was on our "honey-do" list, but, regrettably, honey didn’t.

And so, that leaves us "out in the dark," so to speak. You can only imagine how sorry we are that you and yourn will spend eternity out here in the depths of nothingness with me and mine. But hey, let's make the best of it. It'll be like a sleepover. A really, really long, cold, dark, sleepover.

Reference materials:
Cartoon Wars – The First Unichurck Was Attacked
Rupture Reprieve
Rupture Premajaculation

Neighbor-hate Week Kickoff

“What To Expect…” Misses Expectations

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Iran, Iran So Far Away

(thanks to John McCain)
Oh, Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Bomb, bomb, Iran.
Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Bomb, bomb, Iran.

Oh, Bomb Iran.
Take my plan
And bomb Iran

You've got us thrilling and killing
blood it is a-spilling
bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran.

Went to Baghad
Thought that we'd been had
Thought "bomb Iran"
It couldn't be as bad
to bomb Iran
bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran
That is the plan

We've given you lots of rope
And a stage for your dope
Let's bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran

Tried to beat our chest,
Tried to beat our chest,
Beat our chest again but we still had a mess
Let's bomb Iran
Bomb, bomb
bomb, bomb Iran

Da Do Run Ron

We met him on a Monday down in Tex -ass
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.
We learned he was an autopederast
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


Yah, he was from Tex-ass
Yah, an auto-pederast
And auto-fellatio
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


A man could cast his/her/transgender's vote
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.
For the black guy, the woman, or the another goat
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.


Yah, he's the best in town
Yah, at coming around
The ultimate act of narcissism
Da do run Ron run, Da do run Ron.

Lambe

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Does it increase the score
When you get laid?

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Does it increase your roar?
When you invade?

Come you little lamb of the Cretaceous period
The possibilities are a myriad.
For the use of your phallic head
May have helped you to get bred
But one thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Is it useful anymore
To serenade?

Oh Lambe-o-saur
What's that thing on your head for?
Is it simply a hardcore
Masquerade?

Come you precursor to the modern day dickhead
Lift yourself from your prehistoric sickbed
Hold your head up high
An appendage to the sky
But one thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

One thing we know is it didn't help your smell.

T and A with S in between

You can take away my freedom
You can take my homemade scotch
You can take away my nail clips and my mousse
You can take away my condom
Pry my hands off of my crotch
Do you really think you should take away my shoes?

But you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
No you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
Like a bota of napalm
I'm a ticking, gurgling bomb
And you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut

Let's put the gas back back gastric
And the fun back in fundic
And the fan back in fantastic
Hey, Doc Bok it's for you.

You can take and break my guitar
Or at least smash up the neck
When the chimps who live in baggage do their worst.
You smash my box of cigars
You can make my bag a wreck
I really don't expect to be reimbursed

But you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
No you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut
Like a bota of napalm
I'm a ticking, gurgling bomb
And you'll never get the hydrochloric acid from my gut

Unless,
I
spew
on
you.

Phantom Feelings

You feel an itch
But you cannot scratch
Because your leg is gone

You feel a chill
That you cannot warm
Because your leg is gone

It's in a smoker at an auction
Of abandoned property
About 35 miles from Charlotte
North Caroliner
What the hell,
Why don't you get in your truck and
Go get your leg.
Oh yah, I forgot, you can't drive
Because of, you know, the leg.

You feel a pain
That you cannot quell
Because your leg is gone.

You feel damaged
But the damage
Is not that your leg is gone
It's all in your brain.