The Game Farm - the Musical (First draft)

Cast –
Old Grump the pig – Alceste
Bucky the stallion – OneEar
Snoballs the llama – Coco
Nappy the goat – Lbok
Squealy the squirrel – B&S


Old Grumpy Sergeant, the retired prize-winning pig, calls a meeting of all of the animals of the Game Farm, (reservations available). Present are Bucky the workhorse, Snoballs the llama, Nappy the goat, and Squealy the squirrel. Col the barn-cat may or may not be present, and ditto for some other animals.

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Without the Dudes

Without the dudes, all the non-dudes will be free.
Without the dudes, you’ll be you and I’ll be me,
We shall run and we shall squat down while the peace
Comes raining down, a golden shower of harmony

Without the dudes, not a wasted seed shall spill.
Without the dudes, we shall lick ourselves at will.
We shall munch the rug of turf upon the hill
And each longing hole in our souls we shall fill.

To bring about this utopia
A bountiful cornucopia
A series of shots, some counseling
And a little snippity sew
So?

Without the dudes, we shall puff out chests out proud.
Without the dudes, rough-sporting wars - not allowed.
Never again, will the fertile fields be plowed.
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.

(ALL ANIMALS JOIN SINGING ROBUSTLY)
Without the dudes, all the non-dudes will be free.
Without the dudes, you’ll be you and I’ll be me,
We shall run and we shall squat down while the peace
Comes raining down, a golden shower of harmony,

Without the dudes, we shall puff our chests out proud.
Without the dudes, rough-sporting wars - not allowed.
Never again, will the fertile fields be plowed.
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.
(solo spot on Bucky, quietly then crescendo, Celine Dion style)
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.

Squealy, and Old Grump look at one another questioningly, then shrug and walk away.

Nappy and Snoballs remain with Bucky.

Nappy – So, I’ll assume command. Snoballs, you can be my second in charge, sort of the little buddy to my captain.
Snoballs – Don’t call me little buddy.
Bucky – Perhaps you misunderstood. Do you appreciate what we must do?
Nappy – I wasn’t really listening, but, whatever it is, I should be in charge. Right Snoballs.
Snoballs – Let’s vote. All in favor, Aye.
Nappy – Aye.
Bucky – You are out of order.
Nappy – The Aye’s have it.
Bucky – How about rock paper scissors?
Snoballs – For what?
Bucky – For this motion.
Snoballs – You are out of order.

All three leave while continuing to argue about procedural niceties.

All are together again with Nappy standing on a booster stool before a podium.

Nappy – So, anyway, we’re going to need some guidelines or rules, commandments if you will,

Thou shalt not create an idol, except of me.
For I am vain, and there aren’t mirrors everywhere.

Thou shalt not say a blasphemous word about me.
For I am insecure, and I don’t like to listen to that anyway.

Thou shalt not kill, but there are many exceptions to that one
That are too numerous for me to get into right now.

Thou shalt not steal, that one seems obvious
But I can’t help but feeling I’m wasting my breath.

Thou shalt not practice sexual immorality, without me.
For I enjoy a good sexual immorality as much as the next guy.

Thou shalt not eat the limb of a lamb,
You know who made me put that one in.

Thou shalt establish courts of justice.
It seemed like we should have at least one shalt.

And back to the sexual immorality, while we’re on the subject,
I’ve got several clarification commandments that I will tell
You about on an individual basis.

So sayeth I, Nappy the Goat.

Old Grump – this story sucks. Snoballs, grab your wallet and we’ll go to the store. What do we need besides beer, cigarettes, sloppy slop fixins, bread, gatorade, whisky, gin, vodka, and tomato juice? Should I get some fresh shrimp?

Snoballs – we need celery, bananas and maraschino cherries.

Bucky – And some olives and a bottle of brandy. Better make that 2.

Nappy – Hey Snoballs, get some perogies and we can compare them to Chicago perogies.

Squealy – Old Grump, get some of that voodoo beer.

Old Grump – Do you guys want to have froaching shrimp tonight or not?

Bucky – Ok, I’ll go start a fire.

Old Grump – Bucky, get back in here and don’t start any fires while I’m gone. Nappy, you’re in charge.

Nappy – That is old business.

Squealy – What’s my job?

Old Grump – You watch Bucky too.

Old Grump and Snoballs leave.

The Battle of the Cowshed -2 unknown creatures, approximately the same height and build as Old Grump and Snoballs but wearing costumes, enter the farm.

Unknown creatures who look like Old Grump and Snoballs: We’ve come to kill you here so we don’t have to kill you where we live.

Nappy – Let me handle this. Bucky, attack.

Bucky – Way ahead of you.

A ball of flame erupts from the pool of gasoline that Bucky had lit for no apparent reason. The Unknown creatures who look like Old Grump and Snoballs flee.

Nappy gloats, the power obviously going to his head.

Nothing is better than me.
Nothing is better than me.
I wouldn’t trade my place
For any other race
For Nothing is better than me.

Nobody is higher than me.
Nobody is higher than me.
I do not need to fly
Scuse me while I kiss this guy
For nobody is higher than me.

Squealy
What did you just say?
I knew that you were gay.

Nappy
If by gay you mean happy
Then I’m guilty as charged

For nobody is gayer than me
Nobody is gayer than me
You give my balls a roll
I’m on the top of the pole
And nobody is gayer than me.