Bold New Plan Unhinged

During his much anticipated remarks last night, Rusty announced his new strategy for winning the hearts and minds of followers of other major religions.*

"Our strategy of religious conversion through bombing and killing is not working, and I recognize that," explained Rusty, "what do you think I am, an idiot?" Rusty then outlined his bold new proposal. "Obviously there is only one way to convert these fools to the one True Churck, and so here is my plan - more bombs and more killing."

In order to break the dumbstruck silence following the description of his “plan,” Rusty continued nervously. "Sometimes you have to die to be saved, and that is just how it is. The people need to recognize that faith is hard, and it requires sacrifice. And so we will increase the sacrifice until we arrive at faith. That is just how it is. No further questions."

Rusty is suffering from dismal public approval ratings which have, for the first time in recorded history, fallen into negative numbers. According to the latest redemption poll, there are less than zero people who approve of the direction Rusty has taken the First Unichurck. Rusty knows he is in a hole, but he will dig himself out of it come Hell or, well, I guess it is just come Hell.

Rusty’s poll numbers have been declining since release of his youth education plan – “No child’s behind left untouched.” Designed to address growing youth violence, Rusty’s approach of sending teachers into the homes of children to attack them violently seemed to have the unintended consequence of actually increasing resentment, hatred and violence. The approach, known as “beat them at their home so that we don’t have to beat them at our school,” is generally understood to be moronic.

It is hoped that Rusty's new conversion “plan” will halt his sliding poll numbers and postpone the inevitable until some other deity is on watch.

*Targeted religions include: Anglicans and curvicans, Bahais, Bapto-methodists, Catholics and assorted sex-based sects, Confucianists and fortune cookieists, Congregationalists (Assorted), Druids, Falun Gongers, Gabars, Guys with the white shirts on bikes, Jains, Jews, Martin Lutherans, Mahayanists, Mega-churchists, Mormons, Muslims, Old-timey peoples, Pagans, Parsis, Pentecostals and other reptile enthusiasts, Rastafari, Scientologists, Shaivists, Shintos, Sihks, Spiritists (Assorted), Svetambara guys, Taoists, Tenrikyos, Theravedists, Vaishnavists, Vajrayanists, Voodoo dudes, and Zoroastrists.

Also includes “Neo” all of the above, “Orthodox” all of the above and “Reformed” all of the above. However, the Churck will not accept anyone with a nationalist denomination such as Buddhofascists or Voodonazis.