Mano a Hombre

Because my son is going off to industro-socialization (kindergarten) this fall, I thought it was time that we had our first man to man talk. Incidentally, have you ever noticed how everyone says "mano a mano" when they really mean "man to man?" "Mano a mano" translates to "hand to hand", as in combat. Further, "hand to hand" really does not need a Spanish replacement in the English language, does it?

So, you can see how our pre-school discussion got off to a bad start. But, before my son went off to dip his wick in the big candle that is life, I wanted to explain to him a few ways that one can get burned.

1) "No" means "No" only in LOSERVILLE. Did Alexander the Great take "No" for an answer? Ok, perhaps a homosexual warrior megalomaniac is not the best role model for me to choose for my son. How about that guy that invented all of that stuff? When someone said, "Hey, why don't you go invent some stuff, did he say "No?" Or those other guys? Did they take "No" for an answer? I highly doubt it.

2) Whenever you get in a fight, if you don't want to get into trouble afterwards, you can give yourself a bloody nose by banging your face with your knee. Then, all of the teachers will be pretty busy dealing with that. Also, remember to always push it one step farther than anyone else. Eventually, people will recognize that you are insane and they will avoid you. This is how we won the cold war.

3) If you find a flask of booze or a bag of weed in your teacher's purse, don't pull it out to show off. This information should be carefully stored for later use. It is what is known as "political capital" and will become invaluable.

4) Crayons up your own nose = funny, crayons stuck up other people's noses = priceless. Other timeless classics; farting, farting noises, acting like someone farted, and acting like something smells like someone farted. However, a person should really save himself until he is older, more mature and really ready to commit before lighting his own fart.



5) If someone is bullying you, go tell the recess monitor that the bully has been trying to put his wee-wee up your bum-bum. You'll have to spend a few sessions in counseling, but there you'll be able to refine your storytelling skills. And, the bully will get the worst of it.

As for the birds and the bees, I told him that their jobs were to shit on and sting him, and then I referred him to the Love Engine.



Oh, in other news, they've found Jesus. The Holy Bastard has been holed up in a cave for 2,000 years, so apparently it wasn't his flesh that everyone has been munching on. But, then, whose flesh was it? Anyway, I think we can call off Easter. Maybe that Bunny would work out on MLKing Jr. day instead. It seems a shame to waste him.

When You Least Expect It, Expect It

Well, in my infinite wisdom, my predictions came true. The unexpected was to be expected at Jockamo Rusty 007.

First, as expected, none of the equipment arrived on time but we were still too loud even with only 2 amps.

Second, unexpected people did indeed come to our performance. In fact, the unexpected people at our performance were us. Apparently were not expected to perform. Although The Crying Game Farm went completely off-script, it was a hit nonetheless. Despite our unexpected success in engaging all of the party-goers, we were ushered unexpectedly and hastily out of the house-party even though we weren't the ones who were vomiting.

Third, who would have expected to walk 500 blocks in the freezing cold during Mardi Gras?

There were a few other unexpected revelations. It turns out that the darker complexioned races of New Orleans remain very angry. One gentleman in particular is very, very belligerent, and one can only assume that his hostility is Katrina-related. Otherwise, why would a minor urine-related faux pais have resulted in Alceste's broken ankle.

Finally, I'm sure something unexpected must have happened Sunday, but I really don't remember. I guess that was to be expected.

Jock-a-mo Rusty

The Clown Squad will be performing for 2 nights only in New Orleans and one night only in Baton Rouge, LA beginning tonight.

Rusty 007

Predictions for Rusty 007

1) B&S will miss his flight and end up leaving before he arrives.
2) Coco will not find his camera but will lose a shoe.
3) The throbbing vein on the front on Alceste's temple will finally burst, but LBok will not remedy the situation because he will be too bizzy telling some random floozy about how much money he makes. Duck tape will be applied.
4) LBok will get laid, but not in the way he had hoped.
5)OneEar's solo performance of "Put a dollar in my cup and help me up" will bring tears to the eyes of everyone who knows him.
6) Unexpected people are expected. Will it be Sparky? Miss Litzi? Mom? Joe the Lucky Clown's Head? Sven? Meg the Liar? Harry the Monster? Tune in to find out.


BTW - Sorry I had to switch to the new blogger because the old one wouldn't let me in anymore. It is the same reason why I go to the new bar and the new dentist.

BTWW - My apologies to any Amish blog-readers. I didn't mean to offend you with my post a few days ago, and I know that you don't all have sexual intercourse with sheep. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Please go back about your business regardless of whether it involves sheep and sex. I guess that should apply to the non-Amish, too. Everybody go back about your business whether or not you are screwing sheep.

Is IT Happening Again?

Some have sensed a palpable, visceral odor beginning to fill the air along with the unmistakeable approaching sound of music being tortured.


Is it happening again?!?

Old Order Amish and FU Team Up on Gay Sheep Problem

Elders from Old Order Amish communities and the First Unichurck have been holding a series of high level summits to address the growing problem of gay sheep. OneEar, on FU's behalf, reports that the meetings have been very enjoyable.

"This matter came to my attention after a gentleman from Minnesota alerted me to the fact that, as far as 20% of the rams are concerned, rams are just as nice to screw as ewes. This got me to thinking. Apparently the Amish had been thinking the same thing, and so we hit it off. And they've got the sheep."

One unintended consequence of this unlikely union is that many of the younger Amish, known as Reformed Neo-Old Order Amish, have been exposed for the first time to "modern" FU traditions. Nezkariah, a 20 something ReNOA follower who now goes by the moniker Nee-Z, explained some of the FU attraction. "In my humble opinion, the most appealing attributes of their belief system include f^cking some hos and bling bling." Nee-Z further expounded, "rumspringa my ass, I gots ta get bizzy! And I don't roll in no buggy neither. F^ck that shizzle"

OneEar believes that it may be premature to slaughter and eat all of the gay sheep. "The elders and I agree that there is some serious leg-work to be done on this issue, and it may be years before we really know the answer. Can we really say that all rams are equally enjoyable to service as all ewes? Not yet we can't. Now, could somebody please get Nezkariah out of my porn collection?"

Common Denominator

I just heard another news report lamenting the demise of the daily newspaper. Oh really? What's next, loss of the sacred gramophone? Why on Earth would anyone need to rely upon a stack of chopped up wood pulp delivered by a guy driving a 1982 Polluter in order to get the news?
Why not just have Ugh chisel the news out on a stone tablet for you? I'm not sure why everyone's bloomers are in a bunch about the loss of this outdated technology. I, for one, am glad to trade all of the glossy paper insert mess for the internet's banner ads. And with the internet, if you are interested in a news story and want further details, other opinions, fact checking, oh, who am I kidding?

Regardless, I would think that we could all agree that the internet provides a superior delivery mechanism for daily news. Which brings me to one of the points raised during this story about the tragic demise of the paper. According to Ugh, people tend to only view websites which reinforce their beliefs and positions. Ugh posits that this trend explains increasing polarization in our populace. With newspapers, readers were bound to run into controversial and opposing opinions and might even read them. But with the internet, people only seek out information with which they already agree.

This got me to thinking about the Official Site of the First Unichurck and its loyal followers, or lack thereof. You may have noticed that there have been many visitors who visit 1 to 5 times, never to be heard from again. Using the Ugh Theory of Media, I wonder whether the Churck fails to provide enough affirmation for what people already believe.

I'm not sure what there is to disagree with here. Is it the zombies? Is it the discussions about race, gender, music, homosexuality, bestiality, and the end of the world? I wouldn't think those would be controversial subjects. Granted, I've taken a relatively strong stance against the war on fear. After our experience with the war on poverty and the war on drugs, who would have expected a war on fear to fail. (Does anyone remember what the term "war" means?)

But we're turning away parishioners by the ones and twos. So, I have resolved to discuss only topics with which there can be no disagreement.

1) The tax code sucks. Honestly, I've spent about half of my life in school, and I can't figure out most of the forms derived from the tax code, let alone the code itself. The system which describes how we pay dues takes up an entire shelf of books (without even mentioning the shelves upon shelves of books dedicated to interpreting the dues rules). Can't we all agree that this is silly.
2) We don't need any more investigative inquiries into murders. The husband did it.
3) A sponge guy should not wear square pants.
4) Celebrities are just not that informative. Maybe we really care about whether Britnay wears drawers, but do we care about Susan Sarandon's opinion about whatever? (Does she wear drawers?)
5) It is really funny when a grown man shits himself and his hotel room but not so funny if you happen to be the one to step in it.
6) Pluto never deserved to be a planet in the first place.
7) Jockomo feena nay

You, the reader, are wonderful, and you are right about everything.

Rusty Gras Set List (Draft)

Originals
Without the Dudes - in Em
Nappy's Seven Dudely Sins - in Bb
Nobody's Gayer Than Nappy - in C
The Rusty Song - in E
The Grumpy Sergeant - in E
Life is Like a Sausage - in E
The Youth Demographic - in G
Too Many Inappropriate Commercials Blues - in A
Two Steppin Surgeon - is this in G or D?
Whisky Infused Train Wreck - I would guess G.

Covers
Jambalaya - in D
Aiko Aiko - in E
You Ain't Goin Nowhere - in G
Like a Rollin Stone - in G
Turn the Page - in E
Mystery Train - in E
Heart of Gold - in G

We'll have 2x 8 song (30 min) sets with 2 songs left over for encores. The play will add 5 minutes, 15 minutes to tune, a 45 minute break, 10 minutes to change my G string, and 8 minutes to re-cage the chinchillas.