Due to a lack of advance sales for the First Unichurck's first official holiday, the decision has been made to reschedule the celebration of the death of our Rusty to February 17. Please adjust your lives accordingly.
It has been pointed out that a celebration of the death of our Rusty may be premature insofar as Rusty is not dead. This type of criticism is uncalled for. It is difficult enough to get an entire society to disrupt its work schedules and to purchase massive amounts of consumable in observance of a religious dealy, so please don't get all hung up on the technicalities. Please, leave the planning to us. The terms "follower" and "believer" relate to following and believing, not to questioning and questioning. Please.
Those who purchased advanced tickets for today's holiday will receive a credit for fully 40% off the adjusted value on their next purchase of Munitions Day tickets or select RUE merchandise (discounted and popular items excluded from this offer).
Thank you for your continued faith.
The only official site of The First Unification Church of Kooking (fka the First Unification Church of Knowledge)(aka 1st Unichurck) and its house band, the Clown Squad (Affiliated with the community service organization The Underminers' Society of America). --THIS BLOG IS FOR RELIGIOUS, SCIENTIFIC AND EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY--(Not tested on animals)
3 comments:
Hi OneEar,
Moving Munitions Day to February 17th may be a stroke of genius (we wouldn’t expect anything less from such an exalted person as you). That Saturday falls on President’s Day weekend, so your followers (how many are left now?) should have no problem attending the celebrations and activities you’ve planned for this special occasion.
So you are implying that I should be President. I am humbly honored to be appointed. It couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. I will form an exploratory committee to explore where my committee has gone.
I will be introducing a series of bold initiatives that I will put forth in the first 100 seconds of my administration. Then, I will take a well-deserved vacation to whack some weeds. It looks like I will be in need of your vibrators after all.
Hi OneEar,
Actually, I was imploring you to become President! Why be humbled by such a request? You certainly could do a better job than the current sitting duck. After your first 100 seconds of initiating new Commandments to the People, you’re going to go whack off weeds? I guess power effects everyone differently.
The vibrators will be delivered to the Churck whenever you demand them. If you still want to me to wield the central controls, I’d be most honored by your appointment. Would that be a Cabinet Post?
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