Check Please

As soon as we reach the $400,000,000,000.00 milestone in the war on fear of Iraq, I would like to pay my tab and cash out. There are 110M households in the US, so I figure if I throw in $4,000, that should cover my family's share to date plus a tip. By paying off the principal now, I hope to avoid further interest, penalties and dead people.

Granted, if I hadn't spent my money killing people in Iraq, I probably would have blown it on beer, cigars, and my kids' college fund. So, I'm really not all the farther behind, aside from the rotting corpses of parents and children and the world-wide animosity. Still, I really don't feel like paying any more.

People keep telling me that Iraq will evolve into a civil war without US occupation. I continue to wish Iraq the best in pursuing that endeavor. I just don't feel like paying any more.

People keep reminding me that the US was attacked on 9-11 and that the world is different now. True, so how about this for logic. Since the US was attacked and since the world is different, how about letting me keep my money. Perhaps I'll buy some duct tape. I'd even consider buying stock in Exxon-Mobil and Archer-Daniels if that is what you really want.

If we need a kill'em-dead foreign policy, then let's just leave it at that. We can blow people up in fairly short order. If they don't rebuild to our specifications, then we can blow them up again. That would be much cheaper and more straightforward than this "nation-building" nonsense. As it stands, I've spent $4,000 on a $800 job, and they're still messing around. I don't feel like paying any more.

The Crying Game Farm

Old Grumpy Sergeant, the retired prize-winning pig, calls a meeting of all of the animals of the Game Farm, (reservations available). Present are Bucky the workhorse, Snoballs the llama, Nappy the goat, and Squealy the squirrel. Col the barn-cat may or may not be present, and ditto for some other animals.

• Snoballs – Ok, let’s call this meeting to order. Roll call – Snoballs, “here.” Old Grump,
• Bucky – Snoballs, you are out of order. There was not a second to your motion for roll call.
• Squealy – You don’t need a second for a roll call. It is not a motion, it is a procedure.
• Snoballs – That’s right.
• Bucky – I don’t think so,
• Squealy - Where is the reference manual for my Robert’s Rulpod? What would it be under, roll or motion?
• Nappy – Oh, it would definitely be under roll, because motion is the broader, or more generic, if you will, classification, while roll relates only to the specific instance wherein …
• Old Grump – Would you harfing sterks shut the froach up. Listen you mother-froaching boaxx, I had a harfing dream that I must tell you about. There was a…. A time came when ….. Froach! Now I can’t remember what it was about.
• Bucky – Was it about the removal of all parasitic humans so that the noble animals can live free in a utopia of peace and harmony?
• Old Grump – Ok.

A knock is heard at the door. Busty Foxxx, a buxom young lass with nondiscriminating taste enters wearing a feathered Mardi Gras mask, a Rusty thong, and nothing else. She is riding a panther bareback.

• Busty Foxxx – I’m here to do you, I mean, to do your books.
• Nappy – Hey look. A girl.
• Busty Foxxx– That’s right. I’m your new CPA, and let's just say I operate on the cash method.
• Squealy- I’m afraid our organization actually operates on the accrual method, but it was nice of you to stop by.
• Busty Foxxx– Don’t you guys know how this works. Everything I say involves sexual double entendre.
• Bucky – Oh, then could you please fuck me a beer out of the fridge.
• Old Grump – While you’re up, fetch me the piss bucket.

Busty returns with beers and the piss bucket.

• Busty Foxxx– Ok, now where were we. Ask me what “CPA” stands for.
• Snoballs – Could I take a quick look at your teeth?
• Nappy - Did I mention that I am a doctor?
• Bucky- Here, hold this between your breasts.
• Busty Foxxx- You idiots couldn’t get laid by a pro during a porno shoot.

Busty Foxxx masturbates for just long enough, then leaves.

• Bucky - ok where were we , oh yes, why don’t you sing us a revolutionary song about it.
• Old Grump – Why don’t you eat my sterk.
• Bucky – Fine, I’ll sing the revolutionary song..
  
  Without the Dudes
  .
  .
  .
  .

The Game Farm - the Musical (First draft)

Cast –
Old Grump the pig – Alceste
Bucky the stallion – OneEar
Snoballs the llama – Coco
Nappy the goat – Lbok
Squealy the squirrel – B&S


Old Grumpy Sergeant, the retired prize-winning pig, calls a meeting of all of the animals of the Game Farm, (reservations available). Present are Bucky the workhorse, Snoballs the llama, Nappy the goat, and Squealy the squirrel. Col the barn-cat may or may not be present, and ditto for some other animals.

----
Without the Dudes

Without the dudes, all the non-dudes will be free.
Without the dudes, you’ll be you and I’ll be me,
We shall run and we shall squat down while the peace
Comes raining down, a golden shower of harmony

Without the dudes, not a wasted seed shall spill.
Without the dudes, we shall lick ourselves at will.
We shall munch the rug of turf upon the hill
And each longing hole in our souls we shall fill.

To bring about this utopia
A bountiful cornucopia
A series of shots, some counseling
And a little snippity sew
So?

Without the dudes, we shall puff out chests out proud.
Without the dudes, rough-sporting wars - not allowed.
Never again, will the fertile fields be plowed.
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.

(ALL ANIMALS JOIN SINGING ROBUSTLY)
Without the dudes, all the non-dudes will be free.
Without the dudes, you’ll be you and I’ll be me,
We shall run and we shall squat down while the peace
Comes raining down, a golden shower of harmony,

Without the dudes, we shall puff our chests out proud.
Without the dudes, rough-sporting wars - not allowed.
Never again, will the fertile fields be plowed.
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.
(solo spot on Bucky, quietly then crescendo, Celine Dion style)
Without the dudes, we shall sing out high and loud.

Squealy, and Old Grump look at one another questioningly, then shrug and walk away.

Nappy and Snoballs remain with Bucky.

Nappy – So, I’ll assume command. Snoballs, you can be my second in charge, sort of the little buddy to my captain.
Snoballs – Don’t call me little buddy.
Bucky – Perhaps you misunderstood. Do you appreciate what we must do?
Nappy – I wasn’t really listening, but, whatever it is, I should be in charge. Right Snoballs.
Snoballs – Let’s vote. All in favor, Aye.
Nappy – Aye.
Bucky – You are out of order.
Nappy – The Aye’s have it.
Bucky – How about rock paper scissors?
Snoballs – For what?
Bucky – For this motion.
Snoballs – You are out of order.

All three leave while continuing to argue about procedural niceties.

All are together again with Nappy standing on a booster stool before a podium.

Nappy – So, anyway, we’re going to need some guidelines or rules, commandments if you will,

Thou shalt not create an idol, except of me.
For I am vain, and there aren’t mirrors everywhere.

Thou shalt not say a blasphemous word about me.
For I am insecure, and I don’t like to listen to that anyway.

Thou shalt not kill, but there are many exceptions to that one
That are too numerous for me to get into right now.

Thou shalt not steal, that one seems obvious
But I can’t help but feeling I’m wasting my breath.

Thou shalt not practice sexual immorality, without me.
For I enjoy a good sexual immorality as much as the next guy.

Thou shalt not eat the limb of a lamb,
You know who made me put that one in.

Thou shalt establish courts of justice.
It seemed like we should have at least one shalt.

And back to the sexual immorality, while we’re on the subject,
I’ve got several clarification commandments that I will tell
You about on an individual basis.

So sayeth I, Nappy the Goat.

Old Grump – this story sucks. Snoballs, grab your wallet and we’ll go to the store. What do we need besides beer, cigarettes, sloppy slop fixins, bread, gatorade, whisky, gin, vodka, and tomato juice? Should I get some fresh shrimp?

Snoballs – we need celery, bananas and maraschino cherries.

Bucky – And some olives and a bottle of brandy. Better make that 2.

Nappy – Hey Snoballs, get some perogies and we can compare them to Chicago perogies.

Squealy – Old Grump, get some of that voodoo beer.

Old Grump – Do you guys want to have froaching shrimp tonight or not?

Bucky – Ok, I’ll go start a fire.

Old Grump – Bucky, get back in here and don’t start any fires while I’m gone. Nappy, you’re in charge.

Nappy – That is old business.

Squealy – What’s my job?

Old Grump – You watch Bucky too.

Old Grump and Snoballs leave.

The Battle of the Cowshed -2 unknown creatures, approximately the same height and build as Old Grump and Snoballs but wearing costumes, enter the farm.

Unknown creatures who look like Old Grump and Snoballs: We’ve come to kill you here so we don’t have to kill you where we live.

Nappy – Let me handle this. Bucky, attack.

Bucky – Way ahead of you.

A ball of flame erupts from the pool of gasoline that Bucky had lit for no apparent reason. The Unknown creatures who look like Old Grump and Snoballs flee.

Nappy gloats, the power obviously going to his head.

Nothing is better than me.
Nothing is better than me.
I wouldn’t trade my place
For any other race
For Nothing is better than me.

Nobody is higher than me.
Nobody is higher than me.
I do not need to fly
Scuse me while I kiss this guy
For nobody is higher than me.

Squealy
What did you just say?
I knew that you were gay.

Nappy
If by gay you mean happy
Then I’m guilty as charged

For nobody is gayer than me
Nobody is gayer than me
You give my balls a roll
I’m on the top of the pole
And nobody is gayer than me.

Snouts up

I'm working on the script for this year's performance, and I'm thinking we should revive the barnyard animal theme. Sort of like Orwell's Animal Farm - For Dummies.

So, I need to assign each Clown Squad member to an animal. Bok is easy - goat. Coco and I both have a history with sheep, but I think of him as more of a llama. What about Alceste - bull, pig, or jack-ass? B&S has a thing for squirrels and other large rodents - but does this really count?

What about Colipscol? Is he even aware that we're meeting? He could be the cat. You rarely know where he is or when he will show up, and he can lick his own ass.

I need some input before I set this in stone.

Thank you for your prompt attention.

Truly, yours, OneEar

PS - Perhaps I should be a stallion.

Kindler Gentler Rusty

Lily?

How can Lily Munster die and no one says jack? Secondly, as a vampiress, how can Lily Munster die? Period. Life doesn't make any sense to me anymore.

Munitions Day Moved to Feb 17

Due to a lack of advance sales for the First Unichurck's first official holiday, the decision has been made to reschedule the celebration of the death of our Rusty to February 17. Please adjust your lives accordingly.

It has been pointed out that a celebration of the death of our Rusty may be premature insofar as Rusty is not dead. This type of criticism is uncalled for. It is difficult enough to get an entire society to disrupt its work schedules and to purchase massive amounts of consumable in observance of a religious dealy, so please don't get all hung up on the technicalities. Please, leave the planning to us. The terms "follower" and "believer" relate to following and believing, not to questioning and questioning. Please.

Those who purchased advanced tickets for today's holiday will receive a credit for fully 40% off the adjusted value on their next purchase of Munitions Day tickets or select RUE merchandise (discounted and popular items excluded from this offer).

Thank you for your continued faith.

Fly Me to the Moon

It has been a year or so since I've had the occasion to fly anywhere, so I'm not up on the latest in airport security protocols. Since I will be flying down to Rusty '07 in a few weeks, I thought it was time to brush up on the do's and don'ts of air travel these days. Can anyone clarify a few points for me:

• Is it now acceptable to wear shoes? Socks? Pants?
• I understand that all liquids now must be contained in clear (ziplock-type) baggies. Does this apply to personal lubricant? Should you bring extra bags for urine? Can you mix toothpaste, cologne, triple antibiotic and fungal cream in the same bag?
• Is it still ok to bring a 5 Liter bag of wine (after removing the box) to drink in-flight?
• For how long prior to flying must you avoid clipping your nails?
• For how long prior to flying must you avoid voiding?
• Is our current national danger level color Unbelievably Dangerous or Unfathomably Dangerous? Are you supposed to be in a state of panic during the entire flight or only during boarding?
• Can you still sing show tunes during the tail end of the flight (after the wine is getting low)?
• When are you supposed to turn off cell phones? laptops? pace-makers? radial saws?
• Which guy is the Air-Marshall? Is it the guy with the big hat, shiny spurs, and the badge?
• Can you carry on your own handcuffs? gimp suit? gimp?
• Do they still ban fruit and drugs? Even on afternoon flights?
• Do they still discourage passengers from carrying on a crate full of hundreds of pieces of electronic paraphenalia ostensibly used for musical purposes but without any way of proving it because it is all inextricably tangled and the batteries are all dead and there is no amp to plug it all into anyway?

These are a few things I need to know.

Bold New Plan Unhinged

During his much anticipated remarks last night, Rusty announced his new strategy for winning the hearts and minds of followers of other major religions.*

"Our strategy of religious conversion through bombing and killing is not working, and I recognize that," explained Rusty, "what do you think I am, an idiot?" Rusty then outlined his bold new proposal. "Obviously there is only one way to convert these fools to the one True Churck, and so here is my plan - more bombs and more killing."

In order to break the dumbstruck silence following the description of his “plan,” Rusty continued nervously. "Sometimes you have to die to be saved, and that is just how it is. The people need to recognize that faith is hard, and it requires sacrifice. And so we will increase the sacrifice until we arrive at faith. That is just how it is. No further questions."

Rusty is suffering from dismal public approval ratings which have, for the first time in recorded history, fallen into negative numbers. According to the latest redemption poll, there are less than zero people who approve of the direction Rusty has taken the First Unichurck. Rusty knows he is in a hole, but he will dig himself out of it come Hell or, well, I guess it is just come Hell.

Rusty’s poll numbers have been declining since release of his youth education plan – “No child’s behind left untouched.” Designed to address growing youth violence, Rusty’s approach of sending teachers into the homes of children to attack them violently seemed to have the unintended consequence of actually increasing resentment, hatred and violence. The approach, known as “beat them at their home so that we don’t have to beat them at our school,” is generally understood to be moronic.

It is hoped that Rusty's new conversion “plan” will halt his sliding poll numbers and postpone the inevitable until some other deity is on watch.

*Targeted religions include: Anglicans and curvicans, Bahais, Bapto-methodists, Catholics and assorted sex-based sects, Confucianists and fortune cookieists, Congregationalists (Assorted), Druids, Falun Gongers, Gabars, Guys with the white shirts on bikes, Jains, Jews, Martin Lutherans, Mahayanists, Mega-churchists, Mormons, Muslims, Old-timey peoples, Pagans, Parsis, Pentecostals and other reptile enthusiasts, Rastafari, Scientologists, Shaivists, Shintos, Sihks, Spiritists (Assorted), Svetambara guys, Taoists, Tenrikyos, Theravedists, Vaishnavists, Vajrayanists, Voodoo dudes, and Zoroastrists.

Also includes “Neo” all of the above, “Orthodox” all of the above and “Reformed” all of the above. However, the Churck will not accept anyone with a nationalist denomination such as Buddhofascists or Voodonazis.

The Youth Demographic

Neh, Neh, Neh
Neh, Neh, Neh, Neh Owh
Eh,Eh,Eh,
Eh,Eh,Eh,Eh Owh
Eair
Neh, Neh, Neh, Neh Owh

Heh, Heh, Heh
Heh, Heh, Heh, Heh, Owh
Eh,Eh,Eh,
Eh,Eh,Eh,Eh Owh
Eair
Neh, Neh, Neh, Neh Owh

Neh, Neh, Neh
Neh, Neh, Neh, Neh Owh
Eh,Eh,Eh,
Eh,Eh,Eh,Eh Owh
Eair
Neh, Neh, Neh, Neh Owh

The Foggiest Notion

Man sitting on dead horse.

Too Many Inappropriate Commercials Blues

I’ve got vaginal itching,
And little critters on my toes.
I’ve got vaginal itching,
And little critters on my toes.
I’ve got flames on my hemmroids
A pus filled pimple on my nose.

I’ve got a mutant rodent
I’m sucking on this wolfie’s teet
I’ve got a mutant rodent
I’m sucking on this wolfie’s teet
I just filled up my depends
And still got fungus on my feet.

Baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
Oh, baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
I’ve got the “can’t bear to watch,
Too many inappropriate commercials” blues

Can you hear me now?
Great.
Can you hear me now?
Great.
Can you hear me now?
It's time we discussed tampons.
Beep beep, here comes the little red Jeep.

I’ve got erectile dysfunction
And my hair is falling out.
I’ve got erectile dysfunction
And my hair is falling out.
I’ve got too much leaky discharge,
It stains, I wish I could shout it out.

Baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
Oh, baby, burn my boob box
I can’t watch the nightly news
I’ve got the “can’t bear to watch,
Too many inappropriate commercials” blues.