On Tolo Gee

Coco is missing, and the time-honored tolo dance is being turned into a freak show. Coincidence?

Tolo is another name for the Sadie Hawkins dance. This is a tradition whereby, in a vast role-reversal, the women have control over who gets laid. At Mountlake Terrace High School, the tolo girls opted for everyone on the dance floor. According to news reports, they engaged in "freak dancing" which:

involves bumping, grinding, dancing back to front, bending over and more.

This, of course, brought Coco immediately to mind. Let me say at the outset that I have never supported the right of young people to bend over, and I don't want my comments to be misconstrued to the contrary. If I had my way, all teenagers would be strapped to boards.

But dancing back to front really is something to see. I have witnessed Coco dancing back to front, (by himself of course), and I cannot begin to describe the look of shocked horror on the faces of all of the other dancers.

It leads one to ask, when does an activity cease being a dance and start being a chase/flee? Amor Fati, the love of faith, exemplifies Coco's ontology and the way he finds meaning in life through dance. But must it be such a dirty faith?

To Florida

Bodaciousa

Important Boudica discussion

FU Courts Alien Abduction

Leadership of the First Unichurck has been scratching its collective heads of late, trying to think of ways to grow the organization. But the FU just cannot seem to cook up the recipe for success. And this has FU leader OneEar nonplussed.

"We have a website, and shirts and a bulletin and a collection plate," said OneEar. "What do Jesus, Joseph Smith, Jerry Falwell and David Koresh have that we don't have?" The obvious answer: followers.

In an effort to correct this discrepancy, churck leadership has adopted a new membership recruitment plan: alien abduction.

"Remember that white-haired nut that was following a comet," recalled OneEar, "he had followers." "If a few of our members get abducted by aliens," speculated OneEar, "we will have followers out the yin yang."

Toward that end, FU leaders are encouraging members to drive on deserted country roads late at night in old vehicles with AM radios. When the radio dial begins turning itself through channels, jump out of the vehicle, disrobe, and prostrate yourself.

"Yep," said OneEar, "that should do it."

Dead Sex Week

FU Very Much

The First Unichurck has become quite an institutionalized institution, and so have its members. (When I say members, generally speaking, I am not speaking about penises. I call those stiffies. However, when I speak about working stiffs, I am referring to employed zombies and, again, not penises. Employed zombies, or working stiffs, are a..., wait Now, where was I?).

Oh yes, members. FU members include some outstanding specimens with large, throbbing credentials: doctors and lawyers and such. What the FU has been doing thus far seems like a large, stinking, smoldering pile of waste of all of this accumulated education. You can probably see where I am going with this - an orgy of the dead.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, perhaps I should start over.

This is a case about the deepest, most cherished and most human of all human emotions; confusion! Some may say that confusion is not a human emotion or that it is not deep. They are deeply confused humans. Do you see how I trapped them?

And so, I propose that we set aside our penis references and our efforts to terminate the employment of zombies. Instead, we should strive to share our confusion and to spread that confusion near, far and deep, literally and figuratively. (When I say literally, I mean figuratively).

You are probably asking yourself, is he going to get back to the penises and the zombies and the orgy? No, no I am not. That will be saved for Sunday's FU service.

Instead, I will move on to the topic at hand. We are now commencing our FU Advice Service Society. FU ASS is a way to get around the traditional billing system, to "back door" if you will into a professional without having to pay for it. It seems like a very religious and charitable thing to do and so, I will invite Dr. Bok to begin with some general FU ASS advice.


***FU ASS is not a substitute for traditional personalized professional services. Think of it as a second or even third option. A person who disregards this warning does so at his/her/transgender's peril.

FU Reminder - 4th of July is Now In March

This is a reprint of a classic Rustism which originally aired at a previous time. The First Unichurck urges followers to pooh pooh the hooplah until March 11th when we officially celebrate July 4th.


Rusty Enterprises Corporation Limited Inc. (RUE) announced yesterday its initiative to move the 4th of July to March 11th. RUE CCC OneEar, who insists on writing in the third person, indicates that the company sees unlimited upside potential associated with the move.

"In July, it doesn't get dark until maybe 9:30, so the kids have to stay up way too late to watch the fireworks," said Mr. Ear. "Darkness falls much earlier in March. Plus, the kids are all bundled up so they are much less likely to get burned by the bonfire or the fireworks. Have you ever stepped on a sparkler rod with your bare foot? Wouldn't happen in March."

Ear also cited the reduced fire hazard resulting from snow and or rain. "The 4th of July simply is not a prudent time to hold the 4th of July," said Ear, "and I think we all know that."

Underminers Present First Annual BBQ

The Underminers Society of America is holding its First Annual "What Are You Eating Under There?" Holiday Barbecue today. Members of the secretive society spent the last few days making final preparations including digging potti-pits and filling their recently completed moat with charcoal briquets.

The "ring of fire," as they call it, is now ready for some serious cooking. Bring what you will, throw it in the ring and watch it "burn, burn, burn."

For an entrance fee of only $20, participants can also participate in the many fun and educational activities. Experience 19th century coal miner land, 20th century coal miner land, and 21st century coal miner land, all in the same shaft. Learn why the free press must be silenced if totalitarianism is to have any hopes of success. Dig a hole and then fill it up. It is a fun filled extravaganza for the "whole" family!!!!

Thuperman

Hope this complies with the gasbag, or whatever it's called, movie review regulations.

There were some real 2006 themes to this latest iteration of the classic WWII anti-Nazi (sorry Ono) DC Comics hero. Openly "happy" director Bryan Singer (X-Men) has put together a good, though long, long, long ("happy" people like it long, or so I'm told) movie with some intriguing subplots. Let's get right to it:

1. Superman is gay. Between Lex Luthor "stabbing him in the back" with his "blade of Kryptonite" and his completely gauche fashion sense, the viewer is constantly nudged toward this conclusion. The viewer is also asked to see Superman as a representative of the superbeing hidden away in the souls of all closeted homosexuals. 'If only he could be set free! Where is that closet key?' Feces. But there's one little problem with this conclusion. One little five-year-old problem, which leads us to subplot #2

2. Superman has a kid. Well, that certainly calls into question the conclusion of #1, but, everyone makes mistakes, right? If you drink too much tequila in Tijuana, you might get drunk enough to pork a donkey, right? I'm sure he didn't enjoy that slut, Lois Lane. Just because you lay on your back and open your legs doesn't make you attractive, does it? Maybe she left her shirt on and lay on her stomach. We may never know.
The trouble is, the kid is a snot-nosed, spastic asthmatic with every allergy known to man, a-la-daycare poster-child for 2006. Superman was raised on a farm and milked cows (cows, not brokeback cowboys) and his kid is a cellphone-toting, Gucci backpack-wearing helpless little twerp, which is mere subterfuge to get the viewer to logically conclude that the boy is the son of the wiener-faced boss's son. (This guy also played the wiener-faced cuckold in our "happy" director's other superhero movie, X-Men--do you think his Happiness is subtley mocking the futility of the traditional familial male role in society? Talk about type-casting for wiener-face--two superhero movies with the same director in the same season, and he's getting screwed over by his woman in both movies. Wow. Sorry Ono, but he DOES look a LOT like you.) Which brings us to the third, and final for now (wheeew!) subplot,

3. The Man of Steel is an evolutionary parasite, rather than the openly symbolic Christ-figure (His father gave his only son to save humanity, etc., blah-blah, you got it in the first few movies). Please refer to #2: Thuperman goes straight for a night, supersperm knock-up that drunken floozy reporter-lady, but he's just playing! Even when he finds out that the kid's his--the child's first super-act is to kill a man with a piano (nice fathering, Superfag)--he basically tells Lois, in his Peter-Pannist tone and tights,
'Good luck! Heeheee! Let wiener-face raise him and be his "dad". Heehee!'
I mean, I hate wiener-face as much as the next guy, but he doesn't deserve to have his DNA propagation ripped off by a sneaky, shitty slight-of-hand (voice of Lois Lane, harlot extraordinaire, 'Oh, of course he's your son, Richard. Did I ever love Superman? Everyone loved Superman. Especially during his Saturday night super orgies. Except me. I never did.' Sheeah. Right. Ho.) Wiener-face will never get another role in Hollywood; he'll always play the victim of Luke Longdick.

So, in summary, a very "modern" version of a WWII classic. Well-done, and the homosexual undercurrents certainly make it thought-provoking. Worth the ten bucks.

Underminers Digging Selves Into Whole Lot of Trouble

The Underminers' Society is really starting to get on the nerves of God. First, they tracked mud all over the vestibule after having been asked nicely (and then warned). Then, there were three Basic Freedoms missing after last week's meeting. I didn't want to say anything about it out of fear of being rude, but they didn't walk off by themselves, now did they?

The straw that sucked the camel's wack was when they dug a trench around the FU sunken garden. Practice? Why do you need to practice digging a trench?

We are trying to be hospitable, and we can certainly use the income to pay off some of our debt. But let's be reasonable about this. You are making a mess out of our sacred sacrament.