Sunday, July 02, 2006


Hope this complies with the gasbag, or whatever it's called, movie review regulations.

There were some real 2006 themes to this latest iteration of the classic WWII anti-Nazi (sorry Ono) DC Comics hero. Openly "happy" director Bryan Singer (X-Men) has put together a good, though long, long, long ("happy" people like it long, or so I'm told) movie with some intriguing subplots. Let's get right to it:

1. Superman is gay. Between Lex Luthor "stabbing him in the back" with his "blade of Kryptonite" and his completely gauche fashion sense, the viewer is constantly nudged toward this conclusion. The viewer is also asked to see Superman as a representative of the superbeing hidden away in the souls of all closeted homosexuals. 'If only he could be set free! Where is that closet key?' Feces. But there's one little problem with this conclusion. One little five-year-old problem, which leads us to subplot #2

2. Superman has a kid. Well, that certainly calls into question the conclusion of #1, but, everyone makes mistakes, right? If you drink too much tequila in Tijuana, you might get drunk enough to pork a donkey, right? I'm sure he didn't enjoy that slut, Lois Lane. Just because you lay on your back and open your legs doesn't make you attractive, does it? Maybe she left her shirt on and lay on her stomach. We may never know.
The trouble is, the kid is a snot-nosed, spastic asthmatic with every allergy known to man, a-la-daycare poster-child for 2006. Superman was raised on a farm and milked cows (cows, not brokeback cowboys) and his kid is a cellphone-toting, Gucci backpack-wearing helpless little twerp, which is mere subterfuge to get the viewer to logically conclude that the boy is the son of the wiener-faced boss's son. (This guy also played the wiener-faced cuckold in our "happy" director's other superhero movie, X-Men--do you think his Happiness is subtley mocking the futility of the traditional familial male role in society? Talk about type-casting for wiener-face--two superhero movies with the same director in the same season, and he's getting screwed over by his woman in both movies. Wow. Sorry Ono, but he DOES look a LOT like you.) Which brings us to the third, and final for now (wheeew!) subplot,

3. The Man of Steel is an evolutionary parasite, rather than the openly symbolic Christ-figure (His father gave his only son to save humanity, etc., blah-blah, you got it in the first few movies). Please refer to #2: Thuperman goes straight for a night, supersperm knock-up that drunken floozy reporter-lady, but he's just playing! Even when he finds out that the kid's his--the child's first super-act is to kill a man with a piano (nice fathering, Superfag)--he basically tells Lois, in his Peter-Pannist tone and tights,
'Good luck! Heeheee! Let wiener-face raise him and be his "dad". Heehee!'
I mean, I hate wiener-face as much as the next guy, but he doesn't deserve to have his DNA propagation ripped off by a sneaky, shitty slight-of-hand (voice of Lois Lane, harlot extraordinaire, 'Oh, of course he's your son, Richard. Did I ever love Superman? Everyone loved Superman. Especially during his Saturday night super orgies. Except me. I never did.' Sheeah. Right. Ho.) Wiener-face will never get another role in Hollywood; he'll always play the victim of Luke Longdick.

So, in summary, a very "modern" version of a WWII classic. Well-done, and the homosexual undercurrents certainly make it thought-provoking. Worth the ten bucks.


OneEar said...

Having not seen the movie, I feel compelled to chime in to offer my completely unsubstantiated opinion:

Superman cannot be the father!!

Wouldn't his sperm cells blast right through a woman. His semen evolved on a planet with a fraction of earth's gravity, and his little soldiers were designed to penetrate an egg of steel. Unless he wore his Supercondom, there would be nobody left to give birth. But if we wore his Supercondom, how could she be pregnant.

Plus, he wasn't even at that party, and his friends will back him up on this.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

finally a movie review i can get behind....


OneEar said...

I'd like to hear a little more about your rrip to Tijuana

Jay said...

I saw the movie in 3D but missed most of the plot because I kept dropping my glasses in the dark.