Leadership of the First Unichurck has been scratching its collective heads of late, trying to think of ways to grow the organization. But the FU just cannot seem to cook up the recipe for success. And this has FU leader OneEar nonplussed.
"We have a website, and shirts and a bulletin and a collection plate," said OneEar. "What do Jesus, Joseph Smith, Jerry Falwell and David Koresh have that we don't have?" The obvious answer: followers.
In an effort to correct this discrepancy, churck leadership has adopted a new membership recruitment plan: alien abduction.
"Remember that white-haired nut that was following a comet," recalled OneEar, "he had followers." "If a few of our members get abducted by aliens," speculated OneEar, "we will have followers out the yin yang."
Toward that end, FU leaders are encouraging members to drive on deserted country roads late at night in old vehicles with AM radios. When the radio dial begins turning itself through channels, jump out of the vehicle, disrobe, and prostrate yourself.
"Yep," said OneEar, "that should do it."
9 comments:
If there happen to be scorpions on the ground, while the members are naked and prostrate, what do you suggest they do? They won’t be able to run far without their clothes. Had this scenario crossed your mind?
Miss Litzi, are you suggesting that scorpions may grab members' members? (weenies)
OneEar, do you think OnO will get laid if he keeps his current line of discussion going in your montage?
Excellent point Mosseltof! Scorpions were trained by the CIA to create the appearance of insurgency. We do not want that appearance. Let's invade Iran.
Dr. Butovski - I think Ono is beyond that stage. I envision him describing to her the benefits of an annuity.
Hi Loud but off key,
No, actually that hadn’t occurred to me, but since you brought it up; a lot of members could wind up singing soprano if the scorpions go on a rampage. Perhaps they should be allowed to retain their underwear, just to be on the safe side.
Can the underwear be reinforced with scorpion-proof kevlar? If so, ok.
Hi Loud but off key,
Bullet proof underwear by Dupont, huh? Why not? If you want to protect your member’s members from being attacked by creepy crawlies, I think it’s a great idea. Who’s going to provide this armor?
Not the government, that's fo' shizzle.
/bark bark bark
nice effort on the photochopping...er...photo shopping.
cuttin and pastin on jim jonesian sensations?
poor koresh. he rose to powa in the janet (tough guy)reno era.
/howl
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